Ima Short | Wall Street Memes

1. Run

Running away from student loans. image via shutterstock.

The Basics: Lace up those sneakers, pack a light bag, and hit the road. The world is vast, and there’s no better time to explore it than when you’re evading debt collectors.

Pro Tip: Consider joining a marathon. Not only will you be constantly on the move, but you’ll also get in shape. Two birds, one stone.

Downside: You might run into another person trying to escape their student loans. Awkward.

2. Die

dying can be an extreme way to avoid your student debt. Image via unsplash.

The Basics: Okay, this one’s a bit drastic, but hey, desperate times call for desperate measures. On the bright side, you won’t have to worry about any bills ever again.

Pro Tip: If you’re not keen on the whole “permanent” aspect of this option, consider faking it. A mock funeral might just do the trick. Plus, you get to hear what people really think about you.

Downside: The afterlife might have its own credit system. Beware of underworld loan sharks.

3. Identify as a Mole

living a subterranean life as a mole will surely get you away from your student debt. image: shutterstock.

The Basics: Embrace your inner mole. Start by digging a hole in your backyard and make it your new residence. Moles live underground, and their primary concern is avoiding spades, not Sallie Mae.

Pro Tip: Invest in some quality sunglasses. Living underground might be great for avoiding debt, but it’s not so great for your eyesight when you occasionally surface for snacks.

Downside: You might have to deal with actual moles. They’re not too keen on sharing their turf, especially with large, debt-ridden humans.

While these methods might seem a tad unconventional, they’re guaranteed to give you a brief respite from those monthly reminders that your wallet is forever chained to a piece of paper from an institution of higher learning. But hey, if all else fails, there’s always the option of, you know, setting up a payment plan. Just a thought.

In a move as unpredictable as a Tesla on Autopilot, Elon Musk, the man who once sold flamethrowers for fun, has dived headfirst into the world of video gaming. The billionaire, better known for shooting cars into space than shooting virtual demons, recently flexed his gaming “skills” on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter. Some say it’s his midlife crisis; others believe he’s just leveling up.

From Rockets to Role-Playing

For his grand gaming debut, Musk didn’t pick just any game. He went for ‘Diablo 4’, a choice as dark and mysterious as his tweets. Sources claim he found the game’s dungeons slightly less complicated than a SpaceX launch. “It’s a different beast,” Musk supposedly said, “At least in Diablo, when I fail, I can just respawn. If only rockets worked that way.” And his in-game name? “Rampaging Goat.” Perhaps a nod to his ambition to be the G.O.A.T. in yet another field?

42 Million Views: Because Why Not?

Musk’s gaming video, cheekily titled “Billionaire Tries Gaming,” has raked in a jaw-dropping 42 million views. Insiders joke that half of those were probably SpaceX and Tesla interns, curious to see if their fearless leader was as adept with a controller as he is with a rocket. The other half? Probably just people waiting to see him fail epically.

Silencing the Critics, Musk-Style

In a move that’s so very Elon, X now allows streamers to limit comments to subscribers only. While it might seem like a feature for enhancing user engagement, the rumor mill suggests it’s Musk’s latest invention: the “Hater Shield.” A tech insider quipped, “Why face criticism when you can just mute it? Classic Elon. Next, he’ll launch a satellite to block out negative vibes.”

Gaming: Musk’s New Playground?

While the world waits for Musk’s next big move—be it colonizing Mars or making a flying Tesla—it seems he’s momentarily distracted by the siren call of gaming. The choice of “Rampaging Goat” as his gaming alias has the internet in splits, with memes galore speculating its origin.

Wrapping Up

As the lines between reality and satire blur, one thing’s for sure: Musk is having a blast, and we’re all just along for the wild ride. Whether he’s genuinely into gaming or just trolling us all, Musk sure knows how to keep things interesting.

LAS VEGAS, NV – In a move that has both Wall Street and the Strip buzzing, the Las Vegas Sphere, known for its cutting-edge technology and immersive experiences, has announced its latest attraction just in time for Halloween: a real-time display of a retail investor’s profit and loss (P&L).

The Sphere, which boasts the world’s largest and highest resolution LED screen, will randomly select one “lucky” retail investor and showcase their portfolio’s P&L for all of Sin City to see. While some might consider this a nightmare come to life, the Sphere’s management believes it’s all in good fun.

“As it’s spooky season, we thought red candles would be a nice touch,” said a spokesperson, referencing the often-dreaded symbols of a stock’s decline on trading charts. “Besides, what’s scarier than watching your investments plummet in real-time on the biggest screen in the world?”

The announcement has received mixed reactions. Day traders, already accustomed to the roller coaster of the stock market, are taking bets on whether the chosen portfolio will be a trick (in the red) or a treat (in the green). Meanwhile, financial advisors across the country are using the event as a cautionary tale, reminding clients of the importance of diversification and long-term planning.

Local Las Vegas resident, Penny Stocks, commented, “I thought seeing David Copperfield make things disappear was the most terrifying thing on the Strip. But watching someone’s life savings vanish in real-time? Now that’s a show!”

The Sphere has assured the public that the chosen investor’s identity will remain anonymous, though there are rumors of a VIP package that includes front-row seats, a box of tissues, and a hotline to a financial therapist.

As the countdown to Halloween begins, one thing is certain: the Sphere’s latest attraction promises to be the most hauntingly memorable experience in Vegas this year. Whether it’s the thrill of potential gains or the horror of dramatic losses, attendees are in for a spine-chilling spectacle.