Epstein List Revealed To Be Written In Sharpie: Trump’s Screwed

Federal investigators have confirmed that the long-awaited Epstein client list was not typed, but handwritten on a single, slightly damp cocktail napkin with a black Sharpie permanent marker. The revelation has led forensic analysts and cable news pundits to a single, damning conclusion: Donald J. Trump is, quote, “so unbelievably screwed.”

While the actual names on the list are still being deciphered due to what experts call “aggressive, near-illegible scrawling,” the choice of writing instrument has become the central focus of the investigation, eclipsing all other evidence.

“The facts are clear,” announced MSNBC’s chief forensic grapho-political analyst, Dr. Alistair Finch, pointing a wooden stick at a massive, pixelated image of a single letter ‘G’. “Note the bold, authoritative pressure. The inconsistent ink flow suggests it was wielded by someone of immense, perhaps world-leading, confidence. And, most damningly, the faint but distinct odor of n-propanol, n-butanol, and diacetone alcohol. It’s a signature scent profile we’ve only encountered once before: in the instruction manual for Trump: The Game.”

The news sent markets into a frenzy, with the newly-created ‘Sharpie Guilt Index’ ($SGI) plummeting 400 points. Meanwhile, shares in Newell Brands, the parent company of Sharpie, are being shorted into oblivion by Redditors on r/wallstreetbets who believe the brand is now “irrevocably tainted by presidential-level scrawling.”

“This changes the entire investment thesis,” explained Chad ‘DiamondHandz420’ Broskow, a financial analyst for MemeStonk Analytics. “We were pricing in guilt based on flight logs and circumstantial evidence. We completely failed to model for a Black Swan ink event. My God, the man signed executive orders with it. He autographed MAGA hats with it. It’s his Excalibur. Who else could it be? Biden writes with a dainty little fountain pen that probably costs more than my car.”

Social media has erupted with citizen sleuths examining every known photograph of Trump holding a Sharpie, comparing the cap-off-to-writing time with the estimated drying time of the ink on the napkin.

“The dots have been connected. The ink has been linked,” posted user @Q-Anonk-le-Sam on X. “They’re not even looking at the names anymore. They’re running chromatography tests on the ink. It’s over.”

The Trump campaign was quick to issue a denial. “This is a ridiculous witch hunt,” said a spokesperson in a statement. “President Trump has used many pens. Sometimes Bic. Sometimes those free ones from hotels. To suggest he has brand loyalty to a single permanent marker is frankly absurd and a distraction from the real issues, like the fact that this list was clearly written by Hunter Biden on an Adderall binge.”

When pressed for evidence, the spokesperson added, “The napkin had a slight indentation on the back, consistent with being written on a laptop keyboard. A clear sign of the Laptop From Hell.”

For now, the world holds its breath, not for the names of the powerful individuals who may be implicated, but for the results of the FBI’s mass spectrometry analysis on the felt tip.

“Forget the Lolita Express,” Dr. Finch concluded, his voice trembling with gravitas. “We’re on the Sharpie Express now. And it’s making one final, unscheduled stop at Mar-a-Lago.”

For more on this story, click here: 10 Revelations From The Epstein List That Someone Just Emailed Us