Following the election results on Wednesday (Tuesday? What is time anymore?), political pundits have been spotted up and down the country staring, glassy-eyed at blank walls, kicking stray cans along the street, and sighing sadly.
“What do we talk about now the election is over?” bemoaned local news anchor, Stacey Ulituristos as she sat crocheting a map of Pennsylvania’s 4th congressional district. “I guess we go back to the regular news but is anyone really interested in anything other than politics? I’m not sure they are. When’s the next election? Maybe I’ll just hibernate until then.”
Some news stations have committed to a continued discussion of politics by analyzing how Kamala could have possibly lost or how it was always obvious that Trump would win but many are saying that political coverage is over and stations should simply move on.
MSNBC and FOX News have both opted to halt their broadcasts and display just static, whereas most other stations have switched back to regular non-political scheduling.
“I got a little excited when we wheeled the election forecast map into the studio again,” continued Ms. Ulituristos. “But it turns out it was just the weather forecast map. Ugh. But seriously, what other news is there? I literally can’t remember. I’m starting to wish we hadn’t euthanized our election expert, Dan. That was a dark day.”
But political scientist O.B. Oblese suggests that news-face-talkers can in fact discuss politics without anyone even noticing, “Poli-ticks all my boxes if you know what I mean,” said the distinctly unfunny Oblese, “but that doesn’t mean that’s all there is to discuss. Most people, boring normies, they want to talk about other things but I’ve got a trick so you can talk politics even when you’re not talking politics.”
“I’ve been telling news channels that now the election’s over you’re going to go back to covering things like foreign wars, and, if you really think about it… that’s politics. If you cover some crime that’s happened, that’s a politics. A musician wins an award. They have political views sooo that’s-a-politics!”
“It’s easy if you know how. I’ve put it into the form of a song and I’m touring newsrooms up and down the country to present my training seminar: ‘Overcoming Post-Election-Stress-Disorder: Talking Without Talking: The Politics of Politics (musical repertoire) by O.B. Oblese’. So far I’ve had no takers but wait for the politics withdrawal to really set in and they’ll come crawling back. Just like my [then current] wife.”
Fingers crossed O.B. will be able to get the word out and we can all get some of our precious, precious news again.
