President-elect, Donald Trump has appointed retired wrestler Hulk Hogan to the newly created role of “Secretary Of Whoopin’ Ass” ahead of his inauguration in January.
Hogan, whose real name is embarrassingly Terry Gene Bollea, will serve in the new role focused on domestic, foreign and wrestling policy.
Donning swimming goggles, a red bandana, and a red suit with the sleeves cut off, the 71-year-old addressed a crowd of reporters to accept the appointment. “I’m BACK, Hulkamaniacs! America is gonna get great again, BROTHER!!! …I hereby formally accept this governmental appointment and do solemnly vow to uphold its values… err… brother.”
“January 20th. That’s the day we’re gonna smackdown on the economy. Smackdown on terrorism. Smackdown on those stickin’ illegal border crossings. Smackdown on a diplomatic solution to the Israel-Palestine war. And we’re gonna SMACK… DOWN on abortion rights! Brrrrrotha!!!!!”
How the Hulk Machine will achieve these goals remains unclear as details are slim about the precise responsibilities of the Secretary of Whoopin’ Ass. Political experts have suggested the position would involve “asses” and that said asses would then be “whooped”, hopefully figurately.
Hollywood Hogan concluded the ceremony by leaping from the stage into the crowd of reporters, bodyslamming FOX News political correspondent, Michael Pedri to the floor and knocking Hogan himself unconscious.
Mr. Hogan’s appointment comes after a string of similar team announcements from the president-in-waiting. Tom Hogan (no relation)… wait, sorry, Tom Homan, with an ‘m’, and Elise Stefanik were most recently added to the team. Neither are wrestlers.
Still waiting to be picked for the team like kids lined up in the playground are desperate-to-go-viral billionaire Elon Musk and desperate-to-no-longer-be-viral politician Robert F Kennedy Jr. Neither are wrestlers.
Trump’s picks are hard on the border, hard on foreign policy but soft if left unrefrigerated. The appointments are scheduled to expire within the first few months of the administration just in time for the traditional “changing of the guard”, a staple of Trump’s government.
In other wrestlo-politicale news, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson has officially endorsed the Harris campaign commenting, “I’m not too late, am I?”
