Farewell! DOGE Cuts Funding For Satirical News Articles

Eventually, every party has to come to an end, no matter how cool and popular.

Elon Musk’s mission to shut down every government agency has finally reached the essential Department of Satirical Articles, which funds this here website and keeps my fourteen children fed.

Tuesday night, I received an email from DOGE that simply read, “What the hell do you even do?” I had a week to respond or risk losing my job. I was very busy with all the hilarious fake news I have to make up but when a slow news day came around I responded with an itemised list of every single one of the two things I had done this year.

I realize now that this wasn’t enough for the old Musky Man and I received my letter of resignation just today (delivered by hand of course because USPS has been shut down too). 

LEGALIZE COMEDY! I shouted in protestation. I’M BEING CANCELLED! Is another thing I cried. THIS IS CENSORSHIP! I yelled as they dragged me away. But alas, it was not enough.

I’m sure you’re surprised to discover that yes, Wall Street Memes Dot Com, the website that initially appears to be a front for an online casino, is in fact just a front for the United States Government’s propaganda arm. But if you look closely, really closely, you’ll see it’s not that surprising, and in every article ever written, we’ve been subtly pushing a pro-deep state agenda.

Kindly cast your eyes over an article, any article. Now, take the first letter of the title and every paragraph. What does that spell? Yeah. Exactly.

Elon, I hold my hands up. You got me. Fair enough, I’ll bow out like a gentleman but I will be taking the office Nespresso machine with me.

Finally, before I go, I’d just like to thank every one who supported me through the years, Clarence Ogilvy, Fortonis Whizzicum, Donald Trump himself (without whom none of this would have been possible), Elon Musk (despite everything), nine of my fourteen children, Jesus, and of course my wonderful team of writers, Bill Fold, Ima Short, John Combs, (Ms!) Marge Incall and, of course, the indutible Max Profit.

Each and every single one of you deserves your own parody article! But until then, the best I can offer is a short and sweet… thank you.

Everyone (my parents included!) has been asking about the future of Wall Street Memes Dot Com. I’m sorry, but since this will be my last article for Wall Street Memes Dot Com and I’m not personal friends with the Musk, so going forward, I’m not sure whether the whole site will be shut down or if it will continue in another form entirely. Just be warned, if any new articles appear (even if under my name!), please understand that they have nothing to do with me and no longer represent the suggestive manipulations of the CIA and United States Government.

There it is. Now, there’s nothing left to do but sign off with the same catchphrase I’ve had ever since my first article here, all those twelve years ago: God rest and good riddance!