Trump Demands Recount, Wants More Votes

Despite winning the 2024 United States presidential election, Donald Jonathan Trump has demanded that all the votes be recounted in what political commentators are describing as “a really dumb move.”

Tweeting from his Truth Social X account Trump wrote, “I WON and by MUCH MORE THAN THE FAKE NEWS is saying I did. WE WON EVERYWHERE!!!! STOP THE STEAL!!!!!!!”

Although advisors close to the president-elect have urged him to “take the w” and accept the sweeping republican landslide, reportedly Trump has refused, claiming the election was rigged in his favor but not in his favor enough.

“Yeah, he’s not going to let this one go,” said Preston Mobisher, senior advisor to the Trump campaign. “He really, really wanted to win Dixville Notch, New Hampshire. He was pissed when that came in as a tie and don’t think he’s going to accept the election until he gets it.”

Mobisher says Trump plans to refuse the invitation to his own inauguration and was last seen deleting congratulatory DMs from world leaders before heading to bed.

“If he… um, if he doesn’t want it, can I have it?” asked Vice President Harris in response to Trump’s refusal. “That’s how it works right? Because I’ll take it, I’ll settle for sloppy seconds, I’m not proud! *laughs maniacally*”

Weighing in on the controversy, current (yes) President Joe Biden commented, “Please Don, just take the job, I’m gonna be 82 this month. Just let me quit. Please.”

Some states have already rushed to fulfill the presidentially mandated request. One Nevada counting center was reportedly seen shaking up its giant, novelty-sized abacus to start counting all over again.

Many Americans stayed up late to find out the election results and now hope the recount won’t take too long as one voter put it, “I would very much like to sleep now please.” News hosts expressed a similar sentiment after Wolf Blitzer passed out live on air, bringing the virtual results map crashing down with him and accidentally calling the election for Al Gore in the process.

Whether counters will be able to find Trump’s missing 100% of the vote remains to be seen but one thing is for certain this may indeed turn out to be one of the most consequential, eventful, important, significant, and historicious elections of the past couple of weeks.

Back to you in the studio, Rolfe.