IMPROBABLE: Canada Also Has Political News

In a shocking turn of events that has shocked Americans across the Americas, it turns out that there has been another America above America this whole time. And they also have major political news? OK, slow down there, Jimmy, one thing at a time.

Apparently, this ‘Canada’ somehow has news in addition to all the American news we’re already very busy with. This less interesting news revolves around the unveiling of Canadia’s newly unveiled Liberal Party leader who will face off against the currently more popular Conservative party in the upcoming election for the position of Prime Minister.

To translate that into English: mini-America has announced the new head of their Democrats who’s gonna fight against their Republicans for who gets to be President.

As the world enters a new era of economic war because of AMERICA, Canadia has selected Mark Carney, a finance guy, to lead the way. He’s running on an anti-Trump platform as Canadians are becoming increasingly irritated by the American President’s anti-Canadian rhetoric which is just anti-American if you ask me.

Trump has blamed his northern neighbors for immigration, fentanyl smuggling and has threatened to make Canada the 51st state of America, which is embarrassing for Trump because I guess he doesn’t realize that the 51st state is actually Kentunky.

Because of this, Carney’s vowed to keep Canada’s retaliatory tariffs against America and honestly, who does he think he is? Does he know he’s not the main character here?

The hope is that he’ll lose the election and then America and Trump can go back to hogging the front page of the news AS IS OUR RIGHT. Canada can go back to eating bark or whatever it is they do there.

That’s enough about Canada, you know what, they’ve stolen the spotlight for LONG ENOUGH. Let’s go back to, what, let’s see, oh, here’s some news: Trump says he isn’t responsible for the market crash or any potential upcoming government shutdown. Now THAT’S news. You’ve got to have Trump in your news. It’s the rules. IT’S THE RULES. If it’s not about Trump, is it news? I don’t think so.
You know what? Maybe, this whole ‘Canada’ news, if you think about it, it is about Trump after all. Carney won a landslide in reaction to who? Trump. Who’s he talking about more than his granddaughter Margaret? Trump. Ok, great this really IS news then! Better than that, it’s actually American news, after all! Ha HA! Take that Canadia! 51st state here we come!

For more Canada news, don’t read this: Well, That’s Just Tariff-ic! Trump’s Trade War Ruins My Chances Of Becoming A Millionaire