They’re eating the dawgs, they’re eating the cats, they’re eating the pets, everybody’s getting their fill of our furry friends and now you can too with our top five simple and affordable recipes!
1. Dog Food
Dog food is not food made from dogs but food for dogs and that’s a great relief! As a dog owner myself I felt uncomfortable Googling different ways to cook and eat an animal as kind and as loving as my baby Oscar! Thankfully, the first thing I received when I searched ‘dog recipes’ was food for dogs and an angry email from PETA. So plain-old, regular ‘dog food’ gets the number one spot on our list!
Step One: Take a can (or pouch) of dog food.
Step Two: Dispense the food into your pet’s dog bowl.
Step Three: Sit back and watch your bow-wow chow down!
2. Food Made of Dogs
For the second spot on our list, I threw up in my mouth a little bit! Not to be confused with ‘dog food’, food made of dogs is any dish where a dog is the main ingredient.
Over 40,000 years of selective breeding have turned dogs into loyal companions and earned them a place among our social relationships normally reserved for other humans! This is why many people will have an involuntary disgust towards eating a dog but not when eating other mammals of a similar size or emotional intelligence. Consuming a dog is considered taboo in many cultures!
Step One: Try not to cry as you raise the gun to Oscar’s innocent little face.
Step Two: Try not to cry as you cook your best friend in a delicious pie.
Step Three: Try not to cry as you pretend you’re eating something else and not the one creature that’s always been there for you all for some stupid clickbait listicle.
3. Food Made of Cats
Yeah, you can eat a cat, screw cats.
Step One: Kill the cat.
Step Two: Cook the cat however you want, doesn’t matter it won’t taste good anyway.
Step Three: Eat the cat! Tastes like stringy chicken doesn’t it? I know, crazy!
4. Duck Confit with Cherry Sauce and Grilled Asparagus
Alright, this one’s fine. Ducks are socially acceptable to eat. Was the problem that the ducks were supposedly stolen from parks? Is stealing the problem with this one?
Step One: Don’t steal a duck from a park.
Step Two: Buy a duck from a supermarket, marinate overnight, preheat the oven on low, and cook for three hours. Prepare the asparagus and grill with butter and garlic. Remove the duck and use the melted butter as a glaze before returning the duck to roast for 20 minutes until golden.
Step Three: Serve with a cherry sauce and a light wine!
5. Panique Morale à la Election Cycle
Wait, it’s not even true? You’re saying I killed and ate Oscar for a lie? OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?
Our final recipe is less about cooking pets and more about cooking the idea of cooking pets in people’s minds, so shut up it still counts.
Step One: Find an old urban legend that promotes your agenda. In this case, curtailing immigration is a key campaign policy so any story that stokes a fear of immigrants would be delicious.
Step Two: The easiest way to ‘other’ a group is to make them social pariors. The more extreme the taboo the more extreme the ‘othering’. The more controversial, the more people will talk about it. Haitians are eating pets? Excellent choice, sir.
Step Three: Promote the lie and let it spread. People will welcome anything that enforces a previously held belief and often have a low threshold for what constitutes concrete evidence. Second-hand testimonials and unrelated videos might not be persuasive on their own, but together, well it’s undeniable, isn’t it?
Step Four: Serve with a cherry sauce and a light wine. Bon appétit!
