Google Maps Crashes Under Sheer Volume Of Border Changes

Google’s map app, ‘Google Maps’ has reported global outages following the overwhelming number of border changes implemented by President Donald Trump.

The changes began with the rebranding of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of the United States of America. Next came the acquisition of Greenland, then Canada, and then Palestine. Just this week, Defence Secretary Pete Hegseth said that Ukraine’s pre-2014 borders would be unrealistic, effectively ceding Crimea to Russia. Then, Trump announced his plan to begin Ukraine peace talks after a call with Putin. And lastly, California has unmoored itself from the continent and is now adrift in the pacific.

With all these dramatic changes, Google Maps has had no choice but to completely crash. Now users attempting to use the app to navigate will be rerouted through the ocean which, to be fair, is about as usable as it was before.

In an attempt to fix the bug, Google has patched the displayed map to only feature two global countries, Russia and America. Reportedly this simplifies the app’s data and means that everything’s running smoothly again. The only downside is that it has started a new cold war.

“Yeah, this isn’t our fault,” claimed Gordon Mesotenso, Google’s lead cartographer. “I was born with a severe condition in which I’m told I am unable to communicate successfully with humans however I am able to create maps with the accuracy of a satellite. No, I do not play geoguesser.”

“Google Maps is and always has been 100% accurate regardless of territorial disputes,” continued Mesotenso. “China owns the independent sovereign nation of Taiwan. The free Israeli state of Palestine is entirely autonomous of any other country. And Kasmir simply exists on another plain of existence.”

“The problem is when people come in and tell me what’s where and what’s called what. I can keep up but the app can’t. When we have to keep updating it every other day our users’ phones crash and then what? People die. That’s what.”

It remains to be seen what remains to be seen or if anything can be seen at all. Stay tuned.