JD Vance Discovered Living Under Rock For A Month

Supposed Vice-President Johnathan ‘Deere’ Vance was finally found this week after a nationwide manhunt. The famed author of Netflix’s 2020 hit movie ‘Hillbilly Elegy’ starring Amy Adams, Glenn Close, Gabriel Basso as a significantly hotter JD Vance and INTRODUCING Owen Asztalos as a young, also hotter, J.D. Vance, wait… Where was I?

Oh yeah, the famed author and politician J (d) Vance has been conspicuously absent from Donald ‘don’t call it a comeback’ Trup’s nascent 2nd presidency. Many feared for the Vice President’s life however they just don’t understand the role of VP which is to be invisible and do nothing until you have to do a surprise last-minute campaign for president and then no one knows who you are and you lose because nobody knows who you are but also you’re a woman, wait…

Where was I? Oh yeah. SO, following Elon’s bright light outshining the real VP, J.D.’s family filed a missing person report and a month-long manhunt began. Thankfully Mr. Vance was found living safe and sound living under a large boulder in the woods in his home state of Appalachia.

When confronted by authorities eager to return him to the White House, a dirt-covered Vance reportedly hissed and spat, then howled for his wolf brothers to protect him. The wolves descended and 56 emergency service workers were killed in the ensuing battle.

Just before being mauled to death, one reporter was able to ask Vance’s opinion about Trump’s proposed purchase of Gaza to which Vance replied, “No comment.”

“JD’s a good guy, tough cookie,” said Trunmp in response to the wolf attacks. “Sure, he’s a creature of the woods, a ‘manwolf’ they’re calling him. Great VP, doesn’t get in the way.”

A recent survey showed that millions of Americans now feel cheated for even bothering to watch the VP TV debate.

One concerned citizen had this to say, “If I’d known the VP would just go and live in the woods, I would have voted for Tim Walz.”

For now, Vance will remain in the woods until this whole ‘Trump’ ‘Presidency’ thing blows over. Until then, well, I don’t know about you but he’s certainly dead to me.

RIP VP JD.