Oil Now Called ‘Black Gold’ After Reaching New Highs Following Trump Sanctions

President Donald Trump has announced new sanctions on two of Russia’s biggest oil companies after talks were recently delayed. The news caused a massive price hike in oil, surely a big nuisance to fans of cars, plastics, and well-lubricated bicycle chains.

The sanctioned companies are called Rosneft and Lukoil. Not sure that’s useful information, but it’s there, so do with that what you will.

The EU and UK have followed this with similar sanctions, which is nothing new, but Trump’s position seems to be a reversal of his somewhat Russia-friendly policy that he’s previously had had. Had had? No, that can’t be right… that he previously have had had… shut up, whatever.

The move is sure to delight Vladimir Putin, no, Vladimir Zelekinsky, sorry, I always get those two mixed up. Yeah, the Ukrainian PM has been gunning for this kind of a sanction for months. But like, does he not use oil?

Hardest hit by this news will be the largest single user of oil in the US: Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs.

Baby oil is reportedly hit as well by the sanctions as Russia is also one of the largest exporter of babies. Diddy has reportedly cancelled all 14 of his upcoming freak offs due to the sanctions and also because he’s in prison but mostly because of a the sanctions.

“I just can’t afford it anymore. What was Trump thinking?” Diddy said in a note snuck out to us from prison. “He’s certainly lost my vote.”

I’ll tell you what he was thinking Diddler: he was thinking about the children. He was thinking about you, he was thinking about me, he was thinking about a world without war, a world where everyone lives in peace, and Trump has a World Peace Prize for his efforts. Isn’t that a world that YOU want to live in? Isn’t a slightly more expensive tank of gas not worth it?

Yeah. You think of that next time you look in the mirror, you selfish ass.