Palestine To Send Aid To War-Torn L.A.

LOS ANGELES, CA — The Palestinian Authority has announced plans to send aid to parts of LA in an effort to help ease growing unrest and conflict.

“We took one look at the state of things and knew they needed help more than we do,” explained General Al-Khatib. “It’s a civil war over there, and something needs to be done. People are getting hurt.”

Upon seeing Palestinian flags in the protest, the Hamas government has reached out to Governor Gavin Newsom to offer support.

“Whilst we don’t negotiate with terrorists,” said Newsom, “We will accept their free stuff if they’re offering.”

The rioting began last week after protests against immigration deportations spiraled out of control. The protesters/rioters (depending on which side of the fence you’re on) are reported to have been looting and burning self-driving cars that were not programmed to handle this kind of situation.

President Trump has sent in the National Guard, but then they got a bit too excited so now he’s had to send in the Marines to fight off the National Guard. Reportedly, the Coast Guard, the ASPCA, and Space Force are on high alert.

…Just as an aside, ‘President Trump sends National Guard to LA to stop rioters burning self driving cars’ is a headline you’d see scroll through the background of some shitty sci-fi movie, not an actual reality we’d have to live through, but here we are…

Speaking of worst timelines, I’ll let ChatGPT finish the rest of this article because honestly, just cba with all this:

Meanwhile, the Palestinian aid convoy—comprised of surplus UN trucks, a DJ booth, and crates of za’atar-flavored MREs—has successfully landed at LAX Terminal 5. Early footage shows one truck being immediately looted by UCLA students who mistook it for a food truck activation.

General Al-Khatib, speaking from a makeshift command tent outside Erewhon, clarified that the mission was “strictly humanitarian,” although he did admit to being “a little curious” about how oat milk costs $14.

The Coalition Grows

Inspired by Palestine’s bold intervention, several other groups have announced similar plans to assist LA:

• Vatican City has pledged three priests, a rosary drone, and a pallet of holy sparkling water.
  
• North Korea offered one nuke and a mixtape.
  
• The Swiss, staying neutral, have launched a hotline for therapy appointments priced in gold.

Meanwhile, Qatar Airways announced a direct humanitarian flight into Burbank, filled with influencers, conflict photographers, and at least one camel named “Peaceboy.”

A Tale of Two Californias

Governor Newsom, still in a Patagonia vest and surrounded by a ring light, held a press conference beneath the Hollywood sign (which now reads just “HOOD” after being partially torched by rioters).

“California welcomes all peaceful aid,” Newsom said. “We’re building back better—with help from literally anyone who can spare a drone or a decent WiFi connection.”

When asked about the Trump administration’s role in the chaos, Newsom replied, “At this point, I’d rather be governed by a sentient Roomba.”

Wall Street’s Take

Markets initially dipped on the news before violently rebounding after rumors surfaced that Ray Dalio was planning to go long on LA anarchy futures. Robinhood briefly listed a new ETF: $RIOTX, tracking social unrest, meme stock activity, and used Tesla prices.

Jim Cramer screamed “BUY EVERYTHING” before being tranquilized live on-air.

What Now?

At press time, the Palestinian convoy had successfully set up a “conflict resolution booth” outside a Trader Joe’s in Silver Lake. Early reports indicate that a ceasefire was temporarily achieved when both rioters and National Guard soldiers stopped to enjoy free hummus and freestyle poetry readings.

As the situation continues to unravel with all the dignity of a crypto investor’s Twitter feed, one thing is clear: LA may be down, but it’s not out. And with a little help from Palestine, maybe—just maybe—it’ll make it to Q3.

…There you go, was that fun for you? Did you have fun? Sure you did, things you recognise in unusual contexts is always fun.

For more garbage, click here: Trump Announces New Golf Course