Max Profit | Wall Street Memes

In a shocking display of overachieving mediocrity, 29-year-old marketing associate Tyler Brenner logged into work Monday morning at 8:03 AM, blissfully unaware that no one else was doing the same.

Sources confirmed Tyler forgot it was Memorial Day, a national holiday celebrated by grilling meats, wearing patriotic cargo shorts, and, as is written by the founding fathers in the Constitution: not answering Slack messages.

“I thought the office group chat was quiet because people were heads down,” said Tyler, who had sent three emails, updated a Google Doc, and even scheduled a Zoom call with himself.

His only reply? A solitary ‘stars and stripes emoji’ reaction from a coworker who was clearly poolside, three beers deep, and using Teams on an iPad.

Markets Closed, Tyler Open

Despite the NYSE, Nasdaq, and common sense all being closed, Tyler bravely charged ahead, unaware that the only thing trading today was bratwurst for beer across every backyard in America.

Friends and family later confirmed Tyler has also forgotten Daylight Savings, Labor Day, and once attempted to show up to a wedding a week early because he “thought it was next Saturday.” Some say he may be the real-life embodiment of the “Grindset” meme, minus the Lambos and passive income.

Employee of the Month (But at What Cost? AT WHAT COST, TYLER??)

Tyler’s boss, when reached for comment from a hammock in Myrtle Beach, simply said:

“Honestly, let him. If he wants to write Q2 strategy while I’m shotgunning White Claws, that’s a win-win.”

Coworkers were less generous, flooding the office group chat later in the day with gifs of fireworks, eagles, and a well-timed “bro, go touch grass” from HR.

Tyler is reportedly planning to “take tomorrow off to make up for it,” completely unaware that no one will notice, and nothing he did today mattered.

For more from the very specific category of ‘local-man + national-holiday news’, click here: EMBARRASSING: Local Man Recycles Resolution From Last New Year

Outperforming gold, oil, and several blue-chip stocks, ‘good… (and I’m just being told this now) vibes’ is officially the most solid investment option of the year.

What started as a fringe belief among yoga influencers and crypto bros has now found its way into serious investor portfolios.

“We’re bullish on vibes,” said Chase Freedom, lead analyst at YOLO Capital. “They’re intangible, inflation-resistant, and unlike NFTs, they can’t be screenshotted.”

In fact, the Federal Reserve has already added “100 positive aura” to its list of monitored economic indicators, just after unemployment and somewhere between TikTok’s total scroll distance and Mercury’s retrograde schedule.

“Shit, I mean we’ve been using ‘numbers’ and ‘math’ to work it out this whole time,” explained Fed Chair, Jerome Powell, “But it turns out vibes are just as good.”

Analysts ‘Not On The Vibe’

Some analysts remain skeptical. “This makes no sense,” said economist Dr. Linda Rationale, before promptly being booed off CNBC for suggesting people diversify into actual assets.

Meanwhile, Jim Cramer has declared “Good Vibes” a “bogus stock” on six separate episodes of Mad Money, meaning that it’s 100% going to the moon.

Money aka vibes — “Money. It’s all just vibes anyway, bro.” – Adam Smith

Gen Z Leading the Charge

Leading the charge is Gen Z, who have converted traditional portfolios into vibe-centric holdings. Robinhood now offers a new “Aura Index Fund” tracking 500 influencers with above-average serotonin levels.

One 22-year-old investor, who goes by the username “@ZenDaddy420,” described his investment strategy: “I wake up, sage my apartment, and dollar-cost average into gratitude.”

He reportedly made a 140% return last quarter, mostly from a TikTok that went viral featuring him staring into the sun and whispering “alignment.”

“Vibes Is Not Short For Vibrator” – Warren Buffett

In response to the hype, major corporations have started rebranding. Amazon’s Prime Day will now feature “Energy Drops,” and Goldman Sachs just launched a new division called GS Feelings™, which advises clients based on horoscopes and color therapy.

BlackRock has filed for an ETF under the ticker $VIBE, which includes a diversified basket of crystals, guided meditations, and affirmations that “resonate with your higher self.”

“I mean, if you think about it, money was only ever just vibes anyways,” commented BlackRock CEO, Dwayne ‘TheBlackRock’ Johnson.

Missing The Warning Vibes?

Not everyone’s convinced this bull run is sustainable.

“It’s starting to feel like the tulip bubble, but with incense,” said one bearish investor. “I just want to buy some bonds without being told to ‘heal my inner child.’”

Despite concerns, markets continue to rally. Nasdaq closed up 3% today after Beyoncé posted a smiling selfie captioned “Feeling aligned 🌞✨.” Bitcoin responded by surging $4,000 in five minutes.

What we’re really saying is it’s all just guess work, it’s all just vibes so invest in yourself, friend. Be the vibe you want to see in the world.

Disclaimer: Obvs, this article is for entertainment purposes only. Please consult a licensed spiritual guide before making any vibe-based investment decisions.

For more garbage, click here: This Week’s Top 6 Ponzi Schemes To Invest In

Happy Bitcoin Pizza Day, everybody! No, wait… Happy BTC ATH, everybody! It’s that time of year again, yes, rising from the blockchain every May like a crusty phoenix from a wood-fired oven, it’s the traditional recalculating of the cost of the most expensive pizza in human history!

But it’s extra fitting since Bitcoin just hit a new all-time high, so it’s time to ask the real questions: what is 10,000 BTC worth today? And more importantly, how many toppings did Laszlo actually get?

For any gen Z degens who think Satoshi was a TikToker, here’s a quick history lesson:

On May 22, 2010, Laszlo Hanyecz made history by trading 10,000 BTC for two Papa John’s pizzas. Yes, really. It was the first real-world transaction using Bitcoin, and yes, they were large pies, not personal pans. Laszlo was just a hungry coder with too much BTC and not enough garlic dipping sauce.

Bitcoin pizza — One would presume this is what the famous bitcoin pizza looked like

At the time, 10,000 BTC was worth about $41. Today? Let’s do some totally unnecessary, deeply painful math.

Let’s Crunch the Bitcoin Numbers (and Laszlo’s Soul)

Current BTC Price: $108,996.20 (give or take when I checked this)
Total BTC Spent on Pizza: 10,000
Total Value of Pizza Today: 1 billion freaking dollars
Value Per Slice (assuming 16 slices): ~$62.5 million
Value of the Garlic Sauce (adjusted for inflation and emotional damage): Priceless

Laszlo didn’t just buy pizza. He bought a cultural meme that resurfaces every year like a blockchain Groundhog Day, where crypto bros gather to remind themselves that patience is a virtue, and food is temporary, but trauma is forever.

What Could $1bn Buy in 2025?

An actual island (and the Web3 DAO to govern it)
Every single Bored Ape, plus therapy for their owners
5000 Lambos (and enough gas for, like, a week)
Twitter. Again.
Or… 2 more pizzas at current NYC prices

Was It Worth It?

Yes. Because without that pizza, Bitcoin may never have taken its first steps into the real world. Without Laszlo’s sacrifice, we might still be trading satoshis for Magic: The Gathering cards and hoping CNBC takes us seriously.

So let’s raise a slice this May 22. Not just for the pizza. But for every single crypto bro who’s ever looked at an old wallet and whispered: “If I’d just held…”

To read more about this story, click here: Bitcoin To Change Ticker To ATH After Massive Gains

‘Sure things’ can be hard to come by these days. Long gone are the days when you could find a sweaty man in a cheap suit on the corner and he’d give you ten sure things for a cheeky kiss. Now, it’s all ‘online’ and ‘in the cloud’. ‘AI’.

But fear not! Because WSM is home of the sure thing, and we’ve got you covered with our top 6 investments for the week. Happy earning money!

6. Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities LLC

I know what you’re thinking, ‘Bernie’s old news! This company’s dead in the water!’ But you’re an idiot, and I hate you. If Hollywood’s taught me anything, it’s that you can make so much money off a good reboot. So I say, let’s bring it back! Bernie had the most successful company of all time! He made off with billions! So let’s make it happen! Reboot, baby, it’s a sure thing!

5. Hot Dog Stands

Look, don’t be naive. We all know they’re a front. We all know there’s no way some greasy meat bucket that’s open every day through November in Philly is actually making any money. We all know it’s got to be a Ponzi. It’s just gotta be! Well, I say if you can’t beat ‘em, don’t beat ‘em! Get down there and ask politely if you can get in on that action. It’s a sure thing!

4. Beans

You might have heard of beans on the street, and well, they’re not just in momma’s hot bean chilli anymore. No, beans are in everything. Your morning coffee. On the feet of cats. On, fucking, idk, in bread? So, yes, it’s true they are on the up, and if you want a sure thing, real blue chip investment, you want to put it in Kalo’s Mexican Beans Ltd. You got that? Kalo’s Mexican Beans Ltd. Write it down. It’s not a Ponzi, I’m telling you, it’s a real investment. KMB. It’s my cousin’s. Real solid guy. Invest in it, I’m serious.

3. The Investment Portfolio of One Mr. Charles P. Bianchi!

He’s a stand-up guy. He’s got a straw boater. He’s got a cane. He’ll double your investment, guaranteed! Guaranteed! Why, for a nickel, I’d put all my finances in with this fine fellow. Yes, there’s a guy I would trust. That’s a real trustworthy wink he has there, yes, that’s where my daughter’s college fund should go! Mmhmm, give that man a kiss!

2. Money

We’re not talking about you’re floppy V-bucks here, we’re talking cold, hard fiat cash. Money. Isn’t money all just a Ponzi scheme? It moves around in circles, sometimes you see it, sometimes you don’t, it goes up, it goes down, and if we all pulled out, it would be toast. Yeah, I suggest putting your money in the oldest Ponzi in the world: money.

1. Yourself

Maybe the real Ponzi was looking back at you in the mirror this whole time? Maybe the real money is in you, baby. I believe in you, and you should too. I love you, buddy. I love you. Invest in yourself, kiddo. You’re a sure thing. (This is not financial advice)

For more financial advice, enjoy this lil ditty: Trump’s Top 5 Negotiation Tips For Winning Saudi Investment

Following numerous successive ‘all-time highs’, Bitcoin ($BTC) has announced plans to permanently change its ticker to $ATH rather than having to write ATH every time. Just to make things easier for everyone.

“We keep saying ‘BTC has reached another ATH’. Let’s just combine the two. Think of the time we could save, seconds. Seconds!” commented Maurice Bitcoin, one of the main advocates for the change.

“I mean, we’ve had so many ATHs recently, it’s basically our name now, so let’s make it official! I changed my name, it’s not hard!”

Bitcoin recently soared past a bullish $100,000 in recent months. The boring, old, stale ‘BTC’ ticker may no longer reflect its status in the financial world, like, what does that even stand for?

Some traders have already started referring to BTC as ATH in their portfolios, to the confusion of many.

Bitcoin? More like biATHcoin

Regulatory hurdles remain, however, as changing a ticker symbol will require approval from various non-corporal regulatory bodies. The U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) have already commented the proposed change with unbridled disgust, meaning that the process could take several decades to complete.

Additionally, the ATH ticker is already claimed by Athene Holding Ltd. and if I know Athene Holding Ltd. like I know Athene Holding Ltd., then I know that they won’t give up that name with a bloody, bloody fight.

Analysts are divided on the potential impact of the ticker change. Some believe it could further boost Bitcoin’s image and attract new investors, while others warn that it might confuse the market and lead to unnecessary volatility. Oh, wait, I forget to put a joke in there. Erm… Ligma.

ATH Bitcoin — An artist’s rendition of what the new ATH coin might look like

Should the ticker change not come through, various suggestions for other tickers include ‘OMG’, ‘$$$’, and if they allow more than three letters, ‘BITCOIN’.

Selfishly, I hope the name remains the same because if they do change it, I’ll have to go back and edit every article, including this one, which then won’t make any sense.

But hey, let’s see what happens, watch this space!

For more bitcoin news, read this one: Trump To Make Bitcoin Official US Currency

Oh, wait, that’s the other way round. Dick’s Sporting Good Inc. is buying Foot Locker Inc. so I guess it’s more a foot thing, then.

Foot Locker stock soared 81% after the announcement, Dicks grew 11.2% and also their stock went up. (Ok, that’s not true, DKS stock went down, but the joke doesn’t work then, does it?)

Times have been tough for Dicks what with Trrrump’s tarrrifffs demanding that all Dicks be at least 146% smaller (not that anyone’s measuring) and it seems that merging the power of the Foots and the Dicks might be the only way forward in this hostile market.

This is the biggest deal ever made by Dicks. Buying 90% control in any foot, let alone the feet of Foot Locker, is pricey and is expected to be financed later in the year. $2.4 billion seems pricey, but that’s $24 per shoe! Bargain. Oh, wait, that’s per ‘share’, geez, I am really not on it today, I am sorry.

Foot Locker may be a smaller company, but has a larger presence than Dicks. Foot Locker has 2,400 stores across 20 countries, that’s countries outside America. This may mean we’ll get more Dicks in malls and even get some Dicks overseas.

And just to demonstrate Foot Locker’s brand power, when Donald Trump was asked which retail brand he preferred, the President replied, “Foot Lock-Her-Up!” An endorsement if ever I heard one.

Who’s to say whether this merger will pay off, not me, that’s for sure. But if consumers can now get their feet and their dicks under one roof? Well, then I’m all for it. Saves me making an extra trip that’s for su…

…Oh… hold on… I am just putting my finger to my ear as if someone’s talking to me… Yes, I am getting clarification that Dicks and Foot Locker DO NOT sell body parts. No, they sell ‘shoes’ and ‘sports equipment’. Ahhh. That makes way more sense. Ok, I am suddenly significantly less interested in this story now.

For more feet news, click here: Elon Musk Unveils Self-Driving Legs

President Donald Trump announced today a “tremendous, just absolutely delicious” multi-billion-dollar chip deal with Saudi Arabia, not for semiconductors, but for snack chips.

Speaking from a hastily assembled podium at the Saudi palace, flanked by gold-plated Dorito bags, Trump declared, “The Saudis wanted chips. We’ve got the best chips. Frito-Lay, tremendous company. Nobody does Cool Ranch like America does Cool Ranch.”

Trump: “How can I make this profitable for Frito-Lay?”

Confusion initially erupted on Wall Street, where early trading suggested the Saudis were investing in semiconductor factories. Nvidia surged, AMD shorted itself out of existence, and Elon Musk tweeted “I love chips” before clarifying he meant “AI ones, not the snack ones, though I do enjoy a good Flamin’ Hot.”

By the time it became clear that the “chips” were of the edible, artificially cheese-dusted variety, Frito-Lay stock had already moonwalked past its all-time high and into orbit. Analysts described the move as “Crunchflation,” a term invented by a CNBC intern live on air.

Saudi statement: “We were hungry.”

In an official statement, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman confirmed the deal, saying, “We were binge-watching Succession and realized our chip bowl was empty. It was a national emergency. Trump answered the call.”

The agreement includes exclusive access to experimental flavors previously deemed “too unstable” for public consumption, including “Sriracha Unicorn Dust” and “Freedom BBQ IV: Liberty Sauce.” Sources close to the deal claim the Prince personally requested “whatever the heck Taco Bell was on in 2017.”

Wall Street reacts with crumbs

The news left markets shell-shocked. Cheetos futures exploded. Tostitos coin briefly overtook Dogecoin in market cap before collapsing under the weight of its own salty optimism.

Meanwhile, a bipartisan group of U.S. lawmakers is calling for an emergency Snack Summit to regulate the snack-tech space. Senator Bernie Sanders issued a statement reading, “Once again, billionaires are hoarding flavor while working Americans settle for plain kettle-cooked.”

Trump eyes expansion

When asked if this chip diplomacy might lead to further snack-based foreign policy deals, Trump smiled, revealing what may have been a single nacho shard in his teeth. “We’re in talks with North Korea. Kim loves Pringles. It’s gonna be huge.”

For more on this story, read here: Frito-Lay Takes $5.5 Billion Hit After Trump Bans Chip Exports

President Donald Trump is in Saudi Arabia for his first overseas trip this term. “That’s an odd choice for your first diplomatic mission,” I hear you say, and you might be right, but as the great Buddha once said, “The mosquito favors the flesh, not the stone.”

Trump’s hitting up MBS for his bank, not his small talk, and you can too! With these simple tricks right out of the Trump playbook, you too will be walking away with that sweet, sweet Saudi cash in no time.

1. Quid Pro Quo

I don’t speak Latin, but I think it means something like ‘pro’s know you’ve got to do a ‘lil give and take’ and that’s exactly what Trump’s up to here. America needs money (who doesn’t?), and Saudi Arabia wants to diversify its economy. They’re investing trillions into various mega projects (remember NEOM? What the hell even was that?) and maybe, if we’re lucky, America might just be MBS’s next big plaything.

2. Make Your Presence a Present.

Trump is in Saudi Arabia, just a few months away from MBS’s 40th birthday (I too celebrate a few months early). Now this might not seem significant, but this way Trump can bring a ‘lil gift, say ‘haps to the b-town’, that kind of thing, and then suddenly the begging doesn’t seem like begging anymore.

3. Make Dealing An Art

Now, if you’ve read ‘The Art of the Deal’ like I haven’t, then you’d know that making a deal is an art. An art form, in fact, and Trump’s the Michelangelo of dealing. Not cards, mind you, but money deals. So I say go in with that kind of mindset. You’re not a business guy, you’re a painter. You’re an artist. You’re a visionary, and no one can question your vision.

4. Invite Your Buddies

There’s no reason why you can’t share the love, and if they want that Saudi dollar, they should get that Saudi dollar. Bring along Elon, bring along Blackstone CEO Stephen Schwarzmann, bring along BlackRock CEO Larry Fink, bring along Citigroup CEO Jane Fraser, bring along Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang, bring along IBM CEO Arvind Krishna, bring along Boeing CEO Kelly Ortberg, bring along Amazon CEO Andy Jassy, bring along OpenAI CEO Sam Altman, bring along Alphabet CIO Ruth Porat, bring along Bridgewater Associates founder Ray Dalio, bring along Uber CEO Dara Khosrowshahi and hey, bring along LinkedIn co-founder Reid Hoffman, why not? There’s no way that will be overwhelming.

5. Make A Blood Sacrifice To The Starless God Aeyloshkhal

Now, personally, I do this before every business deal, business meeting and Zoom call with my mom and it gets results! It doesn’t have to be a goat or anything, it can be a small child, a rat maybe, but you have to give something up. You have to give something up. Aeyloshkhal will not accept a poor offering. You want Saudi money? You want joy? You want success? Remember that all comes from Aeyloshkhal and no other.

For more money making tips, read here: Buffett Just Cashed Out $300B Then Retired, Here’s How He Pulled It Off

The United States of America (US) and the United States of China (not us) have reached an agreement to deescalate the trade war and lower tariffs by 115%, which isn’t even possible, even I can tell you that.

In an agreement that was hashed out over the weekend, America first removed 100% of the tariffs so that there were no tariffs but then continued to remove another 15% of tariffs from tariffs that weren’t there.

A negative and a negative make a positive so by removing 15% from nothing, the US was adding 15% tariffs onto themselves and now has to pay 15% to China instead which China is very happy about.

No other economists have pointed this out and from all my research it seems like I’m the only one which is nuts because I was really bad at math in school and even I can work this out.

Supposed ‘real’ economists are saying that the tariff rate will now be at 30%, down from 145%. Now that’s still an insane number. 30% was a dramatic figure for every other country hit with it, it just seems small compared to a million, quizillion percent that it was at before.

In return for this kind kind agreement, China will reverse its tariff counter tariffs. This is only for 90 days but it’s a start at least.

All markets and the dollar are up after the news which is mad, it’s almost like the markets aren’t in favor of these tariffs. Cray cray.

Donald Trump commented on the agreement saying, “China, China, China, China-China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China, China! China, China, China, China, China, China. CHINA!!!”

So I think he’s pissed.

For more tariff news read this one too: UK First Country To Sign Trade Deal With US, Mostly About Beef For Some Reason

The United Kingdom of England (and the other ones) has become the first country to sign a trade agreement with us, the US.

A little bit of history for those that don’t know: Britain was once America’s closest ally and before that, they were America’s greatest enemy, and before that, they were America’s greatest ally. And as the old saying goes, “My enemy’s enemy is my friend, but my enemy/former ally is my former owner.”

A trade agreement between the two countries was thus only a matter of time. With Trump’s threatened tariffs, Britain was forced to the negotiating table, falling right into Trump’s tiny tiny hands.

Britain has announced that they have successfully negotiated their interests and have in no way given in to America’s demands. On the other hand, America feels that they have successfully negotiated their interests and have in no way given in to Britains demands. So, win win.

Among the details are that the US will remove tariffs on UK steel and aluminium (it’s spelt like that when it’s over there) and in return Britain has “agreed to reciprocal market access on beef”. What? I thought beef was exactly what we were trying to avoid?

So Trump’s traded cow for metal. It really is just like Catan.

As a result of the deal, markets are up across the board. Huh, it’s almost like global trade and cooperation are good for the economy…

There’s also a lot of other numbers but I couldn’t be bothered to read them all so you can look elsewhere for that.

No doubt other countries will now be lining up around the block to bend the knee to King Trump but whatever happens, China will remain firmly at the back of the line.

Anyways, that’s the news, hope you enjoyed, come back soon.

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