John Combs | Wall Street Memes

The world is still irradiated from the fallout of Elon Musk’s “really big bomb” dropped on Friday, saying that Donald Trump “is in the Epstein files. That is the real reason they have not been made public.” Which is weirdly becoming Musk’s go-to comeback.

Musk trump beef epstein tweet — But who hasn’t had a toxic ex accuse them of being a paedophile?

But now Musk has rescinded his words, X’ing, “I regret some of my posts about President @realDonaldTrump last week. They went too far.” he has deleted the original Tweet-shit-‘X’, and given a formal explanation for the accusation.

Musk trump beef apology tweet — These will be ancient texts future historians will pore over. Poor bastards.

“I mistyped,” explained Musk. “Obviously, I meant to say Ronald Prump is in the Epstein files. He’s a completely different person who has no relation to Donald Trump. It was an honest mistake.”

Musk Frames Prump

Reportedly, federal agents tracked down a Mr. Ronald Prump in Wausau, Wisconsin, and coordinated a full-scale SWAT operation on his property. In the raid, officers arrested the individual, seized over 4GB of personal computer data, and accidentally shot his dog.

Mr. Prump is currently detained and awaiting trial.

“It’s not every day that you get to catch a big fish like this,” explained an officer involved in the raid. “But this Prump fella’s the worst of the worst. Big time pedo. We got a tip off that goes all the way to the top, so you know it’s legit.”

Mr. Prump’s lawyer denies all exculpations: “The only Epstein my client knows is his Epstein EcoTank ET-4810 A4 Colour Multifunction Inkjet Printer, C11CK57401.”

For those of you living under a rock where it’s warm and quiet and you don’t have to hear about any of this, the Epstein files (AKA the (se)X-files, AKA the pedo-files) are a collection of documents relating to ex-sex-pest J. Epstein, potentially listing numerous high profile individuals involved in his crimes.

The release of these files could potentially reveal irrefutably that Donald Trump was in cahoots with Epstein in a way that evidence like photographs, videos, flight logs, and public statements declaring their friendship never could.

For more on this story, click here: Trump Wins Custody Of Joe Rogan In Divorce With Musk

LOS ANGELES, CA — The Palestinian Authority has announced plans to send aid to parts of LA in an effort to help ease growing unrest and conflict.

“We took one look at the state of things and knew they needed help more than we do,” explained General Al-Khatib. “It’s a civil war over there, and something needs to be done. People are getting hurt.”

Upon seeing Palestinian flags in the protest, the Hamas government has reached out to Governor Gavin Newsom to offer support.

“Whilst we don’t negotiate with terrorists,” said Newsom, “We will accept their free stuff if they’re offering.”

The rioting began last week after protests against immigration deportations spiraled out of control. The protesters/rioters (depending on which side of the fence you’re on) are reported to have been looting and burning self-driving cars that were not programmed to handle this kind of situation.

President Trump has sent in the National Guard, but then they got a bit too excited so now he’s had to send in the Marines to fight off the National Guard. Reportedly, the Coast Guard, the ASPCA, and Space Force are on high alert.

…Just as an aside, ‘President Trump sends National Guard to LA to stop rioters burning self driving cars’ is a headline you’d see scroll through the background of some shitty sci-fi movie, not an actual reality we’d have to live through, but here we are…

Speaking of worst timelines, I’ll let ChatGPT finish the rest of this article because honestly, just cba with all this:

Meanwhile, the Palestinian aid convoy—comprised of surplus UN trucks, a DJ booth, and crates of za’atar-flavored MREs—has successfully landed at LAX Terminal 5. Early footage shows one truck being immediately looted by UCLA students who mistook it for a food truck activation.

General Al-Khatib, speaking from a makeshift command tent outside Erewhon, clarified that the mission was “strictly humanitarian,” although he did admit to being “a little curious” about how oat milk costs $14.

The Coalition Grows

Inspired by Palestine’s bold intervention, several other groups have announced similar plans to assist LA:

Vatican City has pledged three priests, a rosary drone, and a pallet of holy sparkling water.
North Korea offered one nuke and a mixtape.
The Swiss, staying neutral, have launched a hotline for therapy appointments priced in gold.

Meanwhile, Qatar Airways announced a direct humanitarian flight into Burbank, filled with influencers, conflict photographers, and at least one camel named “Peaceboy.”

A Tale of Two Californias

Governor Newsom, still in a Patagonia vest and surrounded by a ring light, held a press conference beneath the Hollywood sign (which now reads just “HOOD” after being partially torched by rioters).

“California welcomes all peaceful aid,” Newsom said. “We’re building back better—with help from literally anyone who can spare a drone or a decent WiFi connection.”

When asked about the Trump administration’s role in the chaos, Newsom replied, “At this point, I’d rather be governed by a sentient Roomba.”

Wall Street’s Take

Markets initially dipped on the news before violently rebounding after rumors surfaced that Ray Dalio was planning to go long on LA anarchy futures. Robinhood briefly listed a new ETF: $RIOTX, tracking social unrest, meme stock activity, and used Tesla prices.

Jim Cramer screamed “BUY EVERYTHING” before being tranquilized live on-air.

What Now?

At press time, the Palestinian convoy had successfully set up a “conflict resolution booth” outside a Trader Joe’s in Silver Lake. Early reports indicate that a ceasefire was temporarily achieved when both rioters and National Guard soldiers stopped to enjoy free hummus and freestyle poetry readings.

As the situation continues to unravel with all the dignity of a crypto investor’s Twitter feed, one thing is clear: LA may be down, but it’s not out. And with a little help from Palestine, maybe—just maybe—it’ll make it to Q3.

…There you go, was that fun for you? Did you have fun? Sure you did, things you recognise in unusual contexts is always fun.

For more garbage, click here: Trump Announces New Golf Course

To the horror of millions, President Donald Trump has unveiled his ‘golden dome’ live on public television.

Trump made the announcement from the Oval Office, saying he was making good on a promise he made in the campaign. What he was about to unveil, Trump explained, would immediately frighten all their enemies away, for good this time.

“Netanyahu has an Iron Dome, a beautiful dome, I’ve seen it,” continued the President. “But mine is better, I thought, how are we going to make it better? We’re going to make it gold, so now I have a gold dome. It’s very nice, very shiny.”

Trump then proceeded to drop trow and expose himself to everyone in the room and watching live at home. Anyone who witnessed the event can fill out a form online to receive $130,000 in hush money.

The White House has since clarified that this is all a massive misunderstanding and Trump was supposed to unveil a brand new missile defence system called ‘The Golden Dome’. The original plan was to build a giant dome made of solid gold metal that would cover the continental United States and protect it from missile attacks, a device reportedly inspired by ‘The Simpsons Movie’ (2007).

However, it seems that Trump’s potentially deliberate mistake might have been a masterstroke as it appears that just the sight of the President’s national treasures might be more frightening to hostile nations than any missile.

“If your President is crazy enough to do this, who knows what he would do in an all-out war,” commented North Korean spokeswoman Kim Kim-Kim. “We are immediately withdrawing all troops from our borders and declaring unilateral surrender.”

China too has reportedly signed a global peace agreement on the condition that they never have to see Trump’s ‘Golden Dome’ ever again.

On the other hand, Russian President Vladimir Putin said he was impressed by Trump’s strongman gesture and plans to reveal his ‘Steel Dome’ in the coming months.

Who’s to say if this peace will last or if Trump will have to reveal additional gilded body parts in the future, but for now we have world peace, all thanks to Trump’s golden dome.

For more missile news, click here: Elon Unveils Rocket Catcher, Has 14 Missed Calls From Netanyahu

In a move that has taken things way too far, Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell has been uninvited from Donald Trump’s “Annual Birthday Barbecue Fun Day”.

The decision comes amid escalating tensions between Powell and President Trump over interest rates, tariffs, and the appropriate ratio of coleslaw to pulled pork.

Jay Powell has remained steadfast against Trump’s polite requests to alter the inflation rate, but the president has been unable to fire the chair or conduct any meaningful punishment because of stupid things like ‘laws’.

Trump has been left with no choice but to hit Jay where it’ll hurt hardest: right in the ribs.

The BDAY-BBQ, a longstanding tradition aimed at fostering camaraderie among the nation’s top officials, will proceed without any camaraderie fostered with the Fed Chair. Attendees can expect the usual fare: grilled meats, patriotic playlists, and spirited debates over monetary policy, but now with one less dissenting voice.

However, the White House assured reporters that this is not retaliation, but merely because he brought a fruit salad last year, and that’s just not on.

“The President just wants to ensure a fun, relaxed atmosphere, and nothing kills the vibe like a Jerome Powell.”

Powell, known for his steadfast commitment to the Fed’s independence, has stayed silent on the matter. However, insider reports suggest he was seen at a local Whole Foods, purchasing a modest selection of artisanal cheeses and a single bottle of kombucha, perhaps signaling plans for a solo picnic.

When reached for comment about this, the White House simply stated, “We wish Chairman Powell all the best in his future culinary endeavors and nothing else.”

Onlookers have begged Trump to end the hostilities. “Things have gone way, way too far,” hyperventilated political pervert, Morris Causden. “I thought he’d done his worst when Trump called Powell ‘Mr. Too Slow’, but I had no idea he could stoop even lower. To uninvite someone from a barbecue? Who would do such a thing? I’m going to hurl.”

“Please end the war! Enough bloodshed!” Mr. Causden added once he had returned from the bathroom. “Can’t we all live in peace?!! AAHHHH!!!”

Well, that’s the news. You can go home now.

For more on this story, click here: Trump Denies Plan To Fire Powell, Tesla’s New ‘Fed-Bot’ “Just For Decoration”

You might think you know your ETH from your elbow but how do you stack up against everyone else? Keyword: Crypto.

Try our quiz below to find out and don’t forget to share your scores on social media using the hashtag #QUIZ because I really need the answers, help, my interview’s in like five minutes and I don’t know shit. QUICKLY!

A. What is “blockchain”?

A long string of Legos.
A video game for (and by) children.
When you haven’t been able to use the toilet in a while.
All the above.

B. Which of the following is NOT a type of cryptocurrency?

Bitcoin
Ethereum
Solana
Dogecoin

C. What is “mining” in cryptocurrency?

When you dig into the ground and you find cryptocurrency.
A video game for (and by) children.
When you claim crypto to be yours.
All of the above.

D. What is a “cryptocurrency wallet“?

A wallet.
Not a wallet.
Like a wallet.
A wallet for cryptocurrency.

F. What does “decentralized” mean?

Doesn’t have a center.
Idk, look it up, you’ve got Google right?
Hard to pin down for Thursday margaritas.
It’s not illegal anymore.

D. What is Bitcoin’s (BTC) primary purpose?

To make coins smaller.
Conquer the world.
To make money.
All the above.

7. What is the term for transferring cryptocurrency from one wallet to another?

Transferring.
Cybersex.
Sending money to you, babes.
Venmo.

69. What does “ATH” stand for in cryptocurrency trading?

A sneeze.
Aggressive Thanks, Henry
Arms, Throat, Head
All Together, Henry!

K. What is a “smart contract”?

A contract that you can sign on your phone.
A contract that’s actually decent, like one you might make with a buddy.
A timeshare.
A contract that is smarter than you.

4.5 Which of the following is a common risk associated with investing in cryptocurrency?

Getting mega-rich.
Losing touch with the common man.
Getting egged while you’re sleeping.
Dirt.

So, how did you do? You can check your answers by emailing them to me, john@wallstreetmemes.com and I’ll let you know if you got them right after my interview!

Please, I really need this.

For more fun and games, try out our other quiz: If You Can Read This, You Might Have Brain Rot

Donald Trump has released more than 63,000 previously redacted pages about the death of President John F. Kennedy. After scouring 2,200 files, experts have unanimously concluded that JFK was not assassinated as previously thought but his death was likely a suicide.

Although numerous conspiracy theories have abounded since the death of the president in 1963, it turns out this new evidence concludes that they are all wrong.

Documents include an invoice paid by JFK himself for Lee Harvey Oswald’s travel expenses and correspondence between the two men, detailing that JFK was eager to “go out with a bang.”

Scholars now believe that JFK paid Lee Harvey Oswald to assassinate him in order to escape his crippling mafia debts and an undiagnosed addiction to “eating chalk”.

However, a newly unredacted (just ‘dacted’ then?) autopsy report reveals that it was not Oswald’s bullet that killed the president. Instead, anticipating that Oswald would be a poor shot, JFK hired a second shooter to hide on the grassy knoll, just in case Oswald missed.

That second shooter happened to be drunk on the day of the shooting and so also missed, forcing JFK to take matters into his own hands. The president subsequently fired a shot from a concealed revolver in his lap up into his own head and face. The weapon was later hidden by Jackie Kennedy who was reported eager to conceal her husband’s actions. Suicide is a sin after all.

And all of this took place simultaneously.

Understandably the American Government of America was keen to hide this information in order to protect JFK’s pristine image and the sancriscant office of the President. The information has thus been kept hidden from the public until now.

Although fans of outlandish explanations might be disappointed, hopefully, this new information will put to bed all conspiracy theories about the incident forever and no one will need to discuss it ever again.

The currently president of the United States of America, Donald Joey Trump has accused formerly President Joey Donald Biden of being a pen this whole time.

In an address to reporters, Trump said, “The man was grossly incompetent. All you have to do is take a look, he signs by autopen. Who was signing all this stuff by autopen? Who would think to sign important documents by autopen?”

Given time to think on the idea, Trump eventually landed on a much deeper and more disturbing theory: Biden was not just using an autopen, Biden actually is a pen.

Think about it, pens are long and thin, can’t walk up airplane steps and are only used by old people. It all makes sense. Trump confirmed his theory when he was walking around the White House and came across the hall of presidential photos. Finding Biden’s picture to be particularly unusual, he snapped a pic and shared it on X:

Trump Dubs Scandal ‘Pengate’

This all started when, last week, people started to line up Biden’s signatures and realized they were suspiciously similar as if they were signed by the same person. Rumors began to fly that they were in fact the same person and this person was an autopen.

An autopen is a machine that signs documents on a person’s behalf to deal with a large volume of signatures. Since an autopen can’t legally run for president, this would be the greatest political scandal in history.

Trump has gone on to claim that every document Biden signed through this method is now null and void, particularly the large number of presidential pardons signed in his last few weeks in office.

However, signacologists have quickly pointed out that Trump should want to avoid people looking too closely into the legality of signaturistics.

Dr. Elbow Moston, an accomplished signaturist points out that whereas Biden’s signatures are all uniform and definitely the same person, “All of Donald Trump’s signatures are very slightly different. Who’s to say that’s actually Trump signing and not a completely different person each time?”

Moston also points to Biden’s presidential pen (see featured image above) to disprove Trump’s theory. “You’ll note that this pen is signed by Joe Biden, if Joe Biden were a pen how could he sign himself? Now think about that one will you.”

“ALSO!” Moston continued, frothing at the mouth, “Has anyone thought that maybe Trump’s also a pen? Huh? No? Well, how do you explain this!”

Moston thrust this pen into my face and ran away into the forest.

Well, that’s damning evidence if ever I saw it.

Here’s Trump’s full accusation from Truth Social because I have a word count to fill:

“The “Pardons” that Sleepy Joe Biden gave to the Unselect Committee of Political Thugs, and many others, are hereby declared VOID, VACANT, AND OF NO FURTHER FORCE OR EFFECT, because of the fact that they were done by Autopen. In other words, Joe Biden did not sign them but, more importantly, he did not know anything about them! The necessary Pardoning Documents were not explained to, or approved by, Biden. He knew nothing about them, and the people that did may have committed a crime. Therefore, those on the Unselect Committee, who destroyed and deleted ALL evidence obtained during their two year Witch Hunt of me, and many other innocent people, should fully understand that they are subject to investigation at the highest level. The fact is, they were probably responsible for the Documents that were signed on their behalf without the knowledge or consent of the Worst President in the History of our Country, Crooked Joe Biden!”

This article is sponsored by Sharpie, “Write out loud!”

The estate of the late chocolatier, William K. Wonka has filed a lawsuit against Donald K. Trump regarding his latest plan to offer ‘Gold Card’ Visas to the wealthy.

The Wonka estate claims that Trump, “Plagiarised the golden ticket idea fully, wholeheartedly and with malice. We demand full compensation and a golden ticket for ourselves.”

Trump’s idea differs from the master chocolatier’s promotional factory tour since the Gold Card visa cannot be discovered in a chocolate bar but must instead be purchased for $5 million. The plan aims to increase government cash flow and raise the number of immigrants entering the country, wait, no, that’s not…

“I don’t care if they’re completely different,” continued the Wonka lawsuit, “Wonka Co. has long held a trademark on the word ‘gold’ and the Trump organization has repeatedly flounced that legal ownership. We demand full ownership of Trump Tower and every gold Trump-branded item immediately, please.”

Legal experts say that Wonka is unlikely to win any such case. The lawsuit follows an increasingly litigious streak from the company after Wonka filed a claim against an unlicensed Glaswegen Wonka immersive experience last year.

Meanwhile, Trump’s gold card program is expected to launch in two weeks and adds an important new color to the ‘card’ system. You see, whilst there already exists a green card visa and a red card may be used to end a conversation, the world has never seen anything as powerful as a magic gold card before.

When asked specifically about Russian oligarchs buying the card for some reason, Trump said, “Yeah, possibly. Hey. I know some Russian oligarchs that are very nice people,” which is a normal thing for an American president to say.

The gold card will replace a similar scheme called the EB-5 which is almost identical to the gold card but has a lower price tag and doesn’t have the word ‘gold’ in it so this one’s much cooler I guess.

Meanwhile, Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory continues to… wait… what’s that? Oh no, it’s… it’s… IT’S THE UNKNOWN! AAARRRGGHGGHHHH!!!

GAZA, MOZAMBIQUE – A local man (local if you live in Gaza, Mozambique) has expressed his regret after spending $50 million of US government aid entirely on contraceptives for himself.

Eduardo Guardo, who requested he remain anonymous, explained, “What can I say? I thought I’d get lucky. Yeah, using $50 million worth of condoms would require constant sex until the heat death of the universe, but I’m a hopeful man. No, I still haven’t had sex yet but fingers crossed!”

Mr. Guardo, who remains a virgin, recently read a book on ‘pickup’ techniques to increase his chance of romance. After becoming confident in his abilities, Mr. Guardo estimated he would need at least $50 million worth of condoms. This was not the case however and Mr. Guardo in fact required $0 million worth of condoms.

“So now I’ve got this massive warehouse filled with rubbers and idk what to do with them. I thought maybe I could get into balloon animals or something.”

Mr. Guardo’s purchase became a point of controversy recently after Elon Musk claimed this was an example of government overspending. Musk however misunderstood and thought the condoms went to the Gaza Strip (which would be a problem) and not Gaza, Mozambique (which is fine, actually).

It still remains unclear if the cited overspending did indeed happen but the condoms have reportedly somehow ended up in the hands of Hamas.

“I needed a buyer, ok?” confirmed Mr. Guardo. “If they’re going to do it and I can’t stop them then I’d rather they were doing it safely, you know? You have fun, kids.”

Leaked information speculates Hamas will now sell the condoms back to the US and use the money to buy weapons. And the circle of life continues…

The President’s personal physician, Dr. Cabzo Eirangily has warned Donald Trump that, should he continue working at his current pace, he could die in a matter of minutes.

“As President Trump’s second most trusted medical source after RFK Jr., I am seriously encouraging him to take a break,” Dr. Eirangily explained. “We’re not even a month into his second presidency and so far he has… Hold on, I’ll speak in bullet points so it’s easier to follow:”

“And what, he’s expected to do this for four years? No whey hose A. I’m worried one more trade war and he might die of ‘too much president’. Just look at what happen to J’Biden.”

“I would also,” the doctor then turned directly to me and looked me dead in the eyes, “I would also like it if you would stop encouraging him.”

“You’re always writing about him, reporting on every little major thing he does and it just motivates him to do more. If you really care about this man’s health as I sure do then you’ll stop writing stories on him, OK? Deal?”

Deal.

[NOTE: This entire article has now been redacted. DO NOT READ.]

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