Donald Trump To Scrap Daylight

The soon-to-be-former-ex-president Donald ‘the Don’ Trump has announced his plans to end daylight, saying that getting up in the morning and seeing the sun and everything was very “costly to our nation”.

Writing on the social media platform currently known as Truth Social, Trump posted, “The Republican Party will use its best efforts to eliminate Daylight, which has a small but strong constituency, but shouldn’t! Daylight is inconvenient, and very costly to our Nation. Everyone wants to stay in bed. MAKE AMERICA DARK AGAIN!”

When asked at a press conference whether Trump was sure he meant just ‘daylight’ and didn’t mean ‘Daylight Saving Time’ and that maybe he’d misheard an advisor or gotten bored after the first word and was now doubling down because he didn’t want to admit he was wrong, Trump said that, “No. I definitely meant daylight. I want to ban daylight, it’s bright, it’s expensive and gives me a terrible tan. These people, very smart people, they already showed me the plan, we’re going to build a big… umbrella. Huge umbrella. It’ll be beautiful. It will block out the sun, forever, just like in the Simpsons (season seven episode one). And Mexico will pay for it.”

However, in the process of scrapping daylight, Trump’s plan will also do away with Daylight Saving Time as there will be no need to set the clocks back, forward, or any which way at all. In fact, there won’t really be much need to do anything and it’ll probably be best if we all just pack up and go home.

America has long fought against daylight ever since the practice of “getting up and doing things” was introduced in the early 1900s. Though daylight was unpopular, more unpopular was the constant switching between “night” and “day” which confused people at the time. In the 1970s the government tried to fix this confusion by implementing permanent daylight in line with the Scandinavian model, but the move was sabotaged by ‘big oil’.

Efforts to keep us up and working all night long have continued even as recently as 2022 when the Senate passed the Sunshine Protection Act which would have entirely done away with midnight, dusk, twilight, and the moon in favor of endless blinding sunlight all year round. It was said the move would drastically increase the number of working hours and be good for the economy and things. The bill was shot down, this time by ‘an even bigger oil’.

Trump’s Permanent Nighttime would be the opposite solution to the same problem. Despite criticism, he has assured everyone it “definitely isn’t for anything seedy or anything” and that we shouldn’t worry about any “stumbling about in the dark” as we would quickly “get used to it”.