Trump Just Launched His Gold Card Visa, Here’s How To Get Your Hands On One

You have to pay $1 million dollars. I’m not kidding.

Yes, President Trump’s new “gold card” visa scheme has just gone live, allowing foreigners to simply bribe, sorry, I meant buy a Visa for a million dollars. Or, even better, companies can sponsor someone for $2 million dollars. They also get a shiny golden card as an added bonus (not real gold. Ts&Cs apply…)

It’s true. Just go to trumpcard.gov and if you’ve got a spare milly lying around, try it out for yourself!

And if you think that’s the end of it JUST YOU WAIT. Because what’s better than gold? That’s right, platinum and Trump has heard your request and has a waiting list for $5 million dollar “Trump Platinum Cards”.

Why these official government documents have to have Trump’s name on them like they’re steaks is anyone’s guess…

Trump sued by Willy Wonka for plagiarism

However, Trump’s latest get-rich-quick scheme has already run into problems as the estate of the late chocolatier, William K. Wonka has filed a lawsuit against Donald K. Trump regarding his latest plan to offer ‘Gold Card’ Visas to the wealthy.

The Wonka estate claims that Trump, “Plagiarised the golden ticket idea fully, wholeheartedly and with malice. We demand full compensation and a golden ticket for ourselves.”

Trump’s idea differs from the master chocolatier’s promotional factory tour since the Gold Card visa cannot be discovered in a chocolate bar but must instead be purchased for $1 million. The plan aims to increase government cash flow and raise the number of immigrants entering the country, wait, no, that’s not…

“I don’t care if they’re completely different,” continued the Wonka lawsuit, “Wonka Co. has long held a trademark on the word ‘gold’ and the Trump organization has repeatedly flounced that legal ownership. We demand full ownership of Trump Tower and every gold Trump-branded item immediately, please.”

Legal experts say that Wonka is unlikely to win any such case. The lawsuit follows an increasingly litigious streak from the company after Wonka filed a claim against an unlicensed Glaswegen Wonka immersive experience last year.

Gold Card? More like card made of gold!

Meanwhile, Trump’s gold card program adds an important new color to the ‘card’ system. You see, there already exists a green card visa and a red card may be used to end a conversation, but the world has never seen anything as powerful as a magic gold card before.

When asked specifically about Russian oligarchs buying the card for some reason, Trump said, “Yeah, possibly. Hey. I know some Russian oligarchs that are very nice people,” which is a normal thing for an American president to say.

The gold card will replace a similar scheme called the EB-5 which is almost identical to the gold card but has a lower price tag and doesn’t have the word ‘gold’ in it so this one’s much cooler I guess.

Meanwhile, Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory continues to… wait… what’s that? Oh no, it’s… it’s… IT’S THE UNKNOWN! AAARRRGGHGGHHHH!!!