Trump To Turn Gulf Of Mexico Into Golf Course

‘President Incoming’, Donald Jehovah Trump has announced his intention to buy the Gulf Of Mexico, drain it, and turn it into a golf course, the ‘Golf of Mexico’.

The news comes in light of a previous statement Trump made, “We’re going to be changing the name of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America, which has a beautiful ring.” Trump did not clarify what kind of a ring he meant but has apparently gone back on this decision. He probably thought, ‘If I’ve got the power to rename a thing, then I’ve probably got the power to drain it and turn it into a golf course.’

Engineers are already scrambling to find ways to implement the plan but Trump explained that they would simply build a wall (and Mexico would pay for it) to dam the gulf, then “drain the swamp” and build a “beautiful golf course, the best golf you’ve ever had, everyone says it will be”. Spanning thousands of miles, this would turn the area into the largest gulf course ever built.

Although Trump takes office in just a few days, it’s unlikely that he will have the power to officially change the name of anything let alone hold back the literal ocean. Technically Mexico has about 60 miles more coastline in the gulf so if they have a majority share maybe they should get to name it. Personally, I’d name it Jim. 

Trump’s announcement also came amid renewed statements that he wants to buy Greenland, maybe swapping it for Puerto Rico and probably turning that into a golf course too. America has a long history of trying to nab Greenland but Greenland has not been for sale since the Vikings arrived, and even then, I think they just took it, so I’m not sure it was for sale then either. It’s unclear what Trump would rename Greenland to if he purchased it but again, my two cents, Jim’s a really nice name.

Donald Trump Jr. (no relation) is currently on holiday in Greenland which is definitely just a holiday and NOT AT ALL CONNECTED to Trump’s latest announcements.

Additionally, Trump said he wants to buy the Panama Canal, but it’s unclear if he was just saying that he wants a new hat. Ok, so that’s a lot of places he’s planning to buy there can’t possibly be- WAIT there’s more, Trump also said he wants to buy Canada and turn it into the 51st state which is something that is definitely possible, and that Canadanians are certainly happy about. Canadianian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has resigned in protest.

Many are criticizing Trump’s new shopping list but he is simply making good on his promise to run the country like he runs his businesses by solving all his financial problems with real estate purchases. So, really what did anyone expect?