Trump Attempts Photoshoot With Goose, Loses Other Ear

Sparked by a recent hoax claiming Haitian migrants in Ohio are capturing and eating household pets and local wildlife, Presidential nominee Donald Trump’s photoshoot with a goose and a kitten this morning ended in bloodshed.

Beginning as an unsubstantiated rumor on X, campaigners were quick to frame Trump as the candidate to protect animals from their natural enemy: foreigners. This spawned a trend in which users generated AI images of Trump hugging ducks, a meme the former president appeared to endorse when he changed his X handle to ‘Donald Duck’.

Seeking to recreate the meme IRL, Trump staged a photo shoot this morning in which he cradled a kitten and an initially docile goose. However, when the former president lent in for a kiss, the goose proceeded to hiss and attack the Republican party’s nominated candidate for the position of President of the United States of America.

Experts analyzing the incident now claim that had Trump not turned his head at the last moment, he might be dead. Instead, the goose only managed a little nibble at the businessman-turned-president, removing most of his left ear.

The ex-president/ex-businessman jumped away from the bird and only narrowly escaped with what little of his lobe was left. Using his quick wit and ingenuity, Trump threw the kitten as a distraction for the bloodthirsty goose to feast upon. The Secret Service sprang into action and after a mere 20 minutes, snipers had shot and killed the goose until it was dead and not breathing, protecting the presidential hopeful from losing another appendage.

SURPRISE BIRD FACT: geese are technically also birds.

Goose handlers were on hand to handle anything getting out of hand however they held up their hands and said, “It was out of our hands,” when approached for comment. Donald J. Trump Sr. laughed off the incident, spluttering through a mouthful of blood, “Wow, this bird is seriously dangerous but beautiful. I’ll never eat another goose so long as I live.”

This marks the third time Trump has been publicly attacked by a bird following a bald eagle in 2015 and Nancy Pelosi in 2024.

Trump has since changed his X user handle back to ‘Donald Jeff Trump’.