NASA Launches Mission To Find Signs Of Life On Joe Biden

This week NASA launched its Clipper mission to find life on the distant planet of ‘Earth’, specifically within the residence of one ‘Joe Biden’.

The long-awaited mission was initially delayed by Hurricane Milton and when NASA lost Biden in a supermarket. Now the SpaceX Falcon Heavy has launched directly upward and, after a quick flyby of Europa, will come straight back down to study the White House.

NASA hopes to detect signs of life within the current President, where scientists have long known about the presence of liquid water. However, researchers remain cautious about finding organic compounds or even consciousness. Life signs are rare in the cold, dead vacuum of Washington D.C.

Critics of the mission point out that if Biden happens to stay very, very still when the instruments scan the White House, NASA might not be able to pick up a life signature. 

“This is the first mission we’ve ever sent to study a living president,” said NASA head-nerd, Boden Gobsunt. “We sent the Apollo missions in the 60s to study the crater in JFK’s head but we didn’t find any life then.”

Gobsunt neglected to mention the failed ‘Dodo’ missions sent to study the Trump presidency as the spacecraft was immediately shot out of orbit by Trump’s Space Force.

“Whatever we find or don’t find will fundamentally change our understanding of the presidency,” Gobsunt continued. “If we find life it will be a great relief to the American people and if we don’t find life it will also be a great relief to the other half of the American people.”

Mr. Biden is unaware of the mission, but then again, he’s unaware of a lot of things. When asked whether this mission was in good taste, the NASA spokesperson declined to comment.

Here’s the deal: he’s old. That’s the joke. It’s funny to make fun of old people. I don’t know what else you want me to say. It’s called ‘punching down’ and it’s always funny AND tasteful. He’s a little slower than he was, maybe a little less intelligible. That’s what happens to old people and it’s funny to look at him and say, “Haha, he’s a little slower than people who are younger than him”. Laughing at bad things means we don’t have to feel sad instead. Laughing means the bad things will never, ever happen to us. It’s called, ‘humor’, look it up. I’ll fight you.