Nation Braces Itself For Exciting Night Of Paper Counting

Tonight’s the night! Election night! Like Christmas Eve but shit! America waits with bated breath. Will the country scamper down the stairs tomorrow to a brand-new bicycle or a lump of coal covered in shit?

There’s only one way to find out: stay up all night watching numbers go up very slowly. Maybe, if you’ve been extra good this year, you’ll get to see footage of rooms of people counting bits of paper. It’s like if math was a sport or the DMV had live television coverage.

So, why not get into the festive spirit and play along at home? Here are some easy steps for recreating the perfect election night right here in your living room (yes, I am hidden somewhere in your living room).

First, gather all of your friends and family into your house and have them stand in disordered lines for hours. Feel free to spice things up with a little pushing and shoving depending on what hats people are wearing. Next, cut up 150 million pieces of paper into little strips, set yourself down at the table, and count every single one of them one by one. Once you’ve counted them all, congratulations you’ve found the winner! But oopsy, the loser doesn’t like the results and demands a recount so start all over again!

To add extra realism, allocate a friend or stranger to stand in the corner shouting their guesses about how many bits of paper you might count and how you will count it. 5,672? 7.8 billion? 4? Maybe you’ll count the ones on that side of the room first and the ones on the other side later, that’s what you did last year, that will be fun, you should do that.

It’s just a bit of fun, but also don’t forget that the entire future of everything is at stake. One simple way to recreate that election night fever and ensure everyone is on edge throughout the night is to serve only espresso but spike one with a slow-acting poison. Don’t tell your guests who has been poisoned but do tell them that the number of the correct vote count is also the code to the safe containing the antidote. So get counting guys!

If done correctly your guests will leave with the perfect blend of exhaustion, boredom, and fear, regardless of who won. Who wouldn’t be excited to do this all over again in four years’ time?

Merry Electionmas everybody!