Well, That’s Just Tariff-ic! Trump’s Trade War Ruins My Chances Of Becoming A Millionaire

Ok, so in hindsight, maybe I shouldn’t have put all my life savings into futures stocks against Canadian bacon. Trump’s 25% tariff has hit Canada, Mexico, China and if I’m being honest, my whole ass.

Everyone’s taking a hit, I know, the stock market’s down. Energy and grocery prices are set to skyrocket, but that’s the price of financial freedom I suppose. From my perspective, I’m going to have a LOT more financial freedom because I simply won’t be a part of the financial system. I think I might go and live in the woods or something.

Look, I’m not financially savvy, I’ll admit. I don’t have a financial advisor (why would I waste money on that?) but the advice I’ve always lived by is “go big and go broke” or something. So what I did was I took out a third mortgage on my house and I used that as collateral for these futures. Then I’ve heard gold is the gold standard so I took all the money that I had and turned that into gold then I pawned that gold then with that money I placed a bet on whether I’d get back to the pawnshop in time to get my gold back.

It was a perfect plan and then Donald Trump came along and RUINED it.

So now I’m writing this from an abandoned internet cafe in Tuscon hoping the feds don’t follow this IP address. Heck, even if they do I’ll be long dead by then.

Apparently, Canada and China and everyone else is going to retaliate with tariffs of their own and idk, I’m kind of into that? Like, can I get in on that? Like, idk why I can’t just impose tariffs myself. Like, let’s say I tariff the pawnbroker who has my gold then he has to give me 25% right? I mean, if Trump can just charge people more money, I can just do that too right? “Be the president of your own destiny” that’s the life advice I live by.

Trump said there’s “no room left” for negotiations on these things, but eeeeehhhhh, come on, like, eehhhh, come on? Like, help a guy out here Don, like I’m drowning here, like literally drowning here and I’ve got alimony to pay, like Don, come aaaannn help an old buddy out, huh?