BREAKING NEWS: Trump Not Dead

Despite rampant rumors on TikTok, X, and French news outlet, ‘La News’, President Donald Trump is not in fact dead after all. Shit, I just lost a bet. The story began when people realised that they hadn’t seen Trump for about a week and when he was last seen it was with a mangled hand for some reason.

Think about it, when did you last see Trump? Think really hard. I’m not just talking about on the news, I’m talking in person, live in the orange flesh, when did you see this guy? You’ve never seen him with you’re own two eyes, have you? You’ve seen pictures. You’ve seen videos but how do you know he’s even real? How do you know he’s ever been real?

Anyways, turns out he was just playing golf.

Trump tweeted from his X-knock-off Truth Social that he’s alive and well, baby. “I’ve never felt better in my life,” he lied.

Vice President JD Vance was spotted shortly after Brump’s reawakening shaking his fists and muttering “drat” to himself.

Vance had previously said to USA Today that he’d “gotten a lot of good on-the-job training over the last 200 days” and was ready to inherit the role of president.

It really feels like we go through this cycle with every president, every major figure. We don’t hear from them in a little while and everyone assumes they’re dead. Yes, that happened to be true of my cat, Barnston, who had fallen into a storm drain and we only found like a week later all mangled up on the beach, but that doesn’t mean it’s true of everyone.

So Trump’s not dead, in fact, he’s back to work on the Lisa Cook anti-hype train who retaliated with a lawsuit that Crump is just ITCHING to settle. For more on that story, click here you chump: Trump Fires Fed Governor, Powell Unlikely To Reach Apprentice Season Finale