Government Shuts Down: Gold, Bitcoin And Trump’s Heart Rate Surges

The United States Government Of The United States Of North America has officially shut down, maybe for good. Federal employees are currently being retrained as full-time rioters, and gold just reached an ATH, all this and more coming to you live from Wall Street Memes Dot Com.

This just in: there is no more government, long live the government.

After failing to reach an agreement over the federal budget, the government gears have ground to a halt and everyone’s been told to go home.

This is the first time this has happened since 2013 (I know it feels like the government’s always shut down, though). How and why can a government simply shut down, I hear you ask? Don’t we need a government to keep running, I hear you ask? If a government can just shut down like this, then do we really need a government ever, I hear you ask?

Great question.

So, a government shuts down when the politicians can’t agree on the federal budget. Given how little politicians seem to agree these days, it’s surprising the government isn’t always shutting down.

Over the shutdown period, hundreds of thousands of workers will be furloughed, which is a word I haven’t heard since them COVID days…

Meanwhile, gold prices quietly hit an all-time high this week thanks to uncertainty in uncertainty, cementing the precious metal’s status as the only adult in the room.

Traders cheered the news by panic-buying gold bars, commemorative coins, and, for some reason, Pokémon cards, while lawmakers celebrated by leaving early for golf and publicly debating whether or not Washington should be considered “essential.”

“Markets are reacting to the realization that our leaders couldn’t pass a group project in community college,” said financial analyst Brent Callahan, polishing his tenth gold necklace of the morning. “When the people printing money are also the people threatening to stop showing up to work, investors want something shiny they can bury in their backyard.”

Meanwhile, U.S. Treasury officials attempted to calm nerves by reminding citizens that “a government shutdown is just like a vacation, except everyone loses pay, services collapse, and the world starts questioning whether we’re a serious country.”

At Costco locations nationwide, shoppers were seen loading carts with g-old Krugerrands, canned beans, and AR-15s, a survival kit financial advisors now refer to as the “Freedom ETF.” One shopper was heard muttering, “If Social Security checks stop, at least I can barter my way through the apocalypse with this 10-ounce bar.”

Wall Street insiders confirmed that hedge funds are even more excited about the shutdown, as it provides another opportunity to short America itself. “We already bet against student loans, healthcare, and the postal service,” said one hedge fund manager. “Shorting Washington is just vertical integration.”

Asked about giold’s surge, Senator Chuck Grassley reportedly replied, “Back in my day, you could buy three farms, a Chevy, and a wife for one ounce of guld. Now it just gets you a front-row ticket to society’s slow-motion collapse.”

House Republicans, meanwhile, announced they were planning a “Shutdown Gold Gala,” where donors can purchase influence with either bullion or Venmo. Democrats responded with a sternly worded group text that immediately leaked to Politico.

Economists predict that goold could soar even higher if the government continues to confuse “running a nation” with “an improv exercise performed by sleep-deprived interns.” Bitcoin advocates, however, remain optimistic that digital goouild will eventually replace real geld, although most admitted they’d still rather have something heavy enough to bash open a can of beans.

For more on this story, click here: Cramer Says Don’t Worry About Government Shut Down, Government Shuts Down