Apocalypse Imminent After [INSERT NEW PRESIDENT HERE] Wins Election

The results are in and [Trump-and-or-Harris CHANGE LATER] is the new President of the United States of America. After a grueling but ultimately successful few months on the campaign trail [Kamala/Trump] has officially become the first President to also be a [woman/convicted felon].

A President with these credentials will surely bring about the destruction of America as we know it. In the next few weeks expect to see riots, skyrocketing inflation, and even the beginning of World War III all thanks to [Kamala/Trump].

Despotic dictators around the world have already phoned in to announce how pleased they are with the electorate’s destabilizing choice. Russian President Vladimir Putin congratulated [Kamala/Trump] on [her/his] victory saying, “Everything is proceeding as planned. Our loyal puppet will now bring about the New Russian Order! Huzzah!”

The defeated candidate returned to their home in [idk the White House??/Florida] and has already [accepted/challenged] the results. [Republican/Democratic] protests broke out across the country but [Kamala/Trump] clamped down on their political opponents in what is being dubbed by many as the end of free speech.

The economy has already spiraled out of control with the price of gas at much higher than an all-time high and the value of the dollar at much lower than an all-time low. The price of eggs is now the price of ham and the price of ham is now the price of most clothes-still-on sexual favors.

COVID. Remember that? Yeah, that’s back too, and all because they [followed/didn’t follow] the science. People are now dying and coughing at the same time again and it’s all [Kamala/Trump]’s fault.

[PICK ONE: Kamala has immediately fulfilled her campaign promise of “We’re not going back” by unleashing a totally new, hitherto unimagined hell upon this country. OR: Trump has immediately fulfilled his campaign promise of “Make America great again” by making America as great as it was during the Great Depression.]

Newly elected Vice President, [Tim Walz/JD Vance] has yet to be seen doing much of anything.

[TEMPLATE. DO NOT FORGET TO CHANGE ON WEDNESDAY DON’T DO WHAT YOU DID LAST TIME WHEN YOU PUBLISHED THE UNEDITED VERSION AND GOT YOURSELF IN A RIGHT-OLD TIZ YOU SILLY GOOSE. THIS IS IMPORTANT ALRIGHT, DEMOCRACY ITSELF IS AT STAKE HERE YOU HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO YOUR READERS TO GET OUT FACTUAL INFORMATION AND …you’ve already hit publish, haven’t you?]