Disillusioned Voters Decide To Vote For Both Candidates

24-year-old, Dilgen Belsif is a retired influencer from Erm, Pennsylvania. She’s been following the election cycle avidly but now that it’s nearly time to cast her vote, she’s cautious. “Neither of them really speaks directly to me and my face, you know? So I think I’ll vote for both.”

Dilgen is part of a growing trend of boomer and Gen-Z voters who are apathetic and disillusioned with the system so plan on voting for both the Democratic and Republican candidates come November 5th.

“Neither of them really get my vote, you see,” explains Dilgen, hyperventilating between words. “But this way I don’t feel the guilt of not voting either.”

Meanwhile, in rural Austin, Texas, 48-year-old Carton Carsowell expresses similar disinterest. “Didn’t we already have an election just four years ago? What so we’re going to do this every four years forever? They must have found someone good by now.”

Whilst Carton has been a lifelong Republican, he now says that he too will be voting for both candidates. “You know, like how the French do it?” he says. “I just couldn’t bring myself to help elect a guy who called my man Mike Pence a wimp once. Of course, I’m still voting Trump but if I vote for Kamala as well, then my vote cancels out, so it’s all good.”

Unfortunately for Carton and many other voters, the American system is not “like how the French do it,” and voting for both constitutes a spoiled ballot. A vote for both candidates would cause the vote to be thrown out and so neither vote would be counted… which would effectively cancel out both votes… Huh.

Widower Jeannly Tipplers, 68, represents another reason to vote for both candidates. As Jeannly puts it, “I just think they’re both swell. I couldn’t possibly pick one. They are all so adorable.”

Jeannly is a “double lover” as they’re known and represents a surprisingly large, 0.4% of the electorate. She believes that both have done, “an equally swell job in the past and they both deserve a second chance. I just feel that they could work real well together and maybe, just maybe, my vote for both will encourage them to team up instead.”

Friends of Jeannly have made plans to prevent her from voting come election day and have hidden her car keys ahead of time. “If Jeannly’s the reason Jill Stein wins again I’ll break her legs. I’m not even kidding,” said one neighbor.

Whatever the outcome of this election, one thing is certain, it has indeed been an election.