Putin Buys Earth After Google Lawsuit Payout

In a stunning move of 3-dimensional-geopolitical chess, Russia has successfully sued Google for 2,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 rubles ($20,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000) allowing Putin to buy the entire planet with change to spare.

The original lawsuit was filed in retaliation to Google refusing to pay fines for blocking 17 pro-Russian YouTube channels. Russia claimed $20 billion trillion trillion in fines, a number that would double every day if not paid within nine months (I swear, though I’m not making this bit up). For reference, Google is worth $2 trillion, the GDP of the ENTIRE PLANET is $110 trillion.

Thankfully Google understood the unbreakable bond of the rule of law and agreed to pay the fine. After an agreement with the United Nations to use every country as collateral, Google has agreed that Russia now owns everything everywhere for all of time. And, as an added bonus, Google also unbanned all of Russia’s precious YouTube videos.

In one step Vladimir Putin has cured his three major headaches: the Ukraine war, foreign sanctions, and access to PewDiePie.

Putin announced the successful payout in a YouTube collab with Mr. Beast. In the video, a grinning Mr. Jimmy ‘Beast’ Donaldson narrates as he and Putin walk into the United Nations to deposit a novelty-sized check to purchase the earth. The rest of the video involves Mr. Beast and the Russian President traveling to various global landmarks to perform stunts such as go-karting around the Taj Mahal, bobsledding down the pyramids, and painting Buckingham Palace neon pink all whilst proclaiming, “You can’t stop us, we own this!”

The video now has over 7 billion views as it is mandatory viewing for all citizens of the New Soviet Union.

Google declined a request to comment on their selling out of all of humanity.

Some experts have suggested the laughably high number may have originated from a miscommunication by Russian lawmakers mistaking the tech company ‘Google’ for the very large number ‘googol’. Others suggest the idea may come from the film character ‘Dr. Evil’ who is an evil doctor and not a qualified financial advisor.