March, 2025 | Wall Street Memes

JD Vance has returned home from window-shopping Greenland, in which he reiterated that Trump really, really wants to invade the territory. Greenlanders have now responded to his threats with a resounding, “I’m sorry, who are you again?”

Unlike Americans, Greenlanders are not terminally online, and so to them, JD Vance was not the man of meme and legend but just some random politician who couldn’t be bothered to wear a suit.

Although J-to-the-D was supposed to spend days in Greenland, the visit was whittled down to just a few hours at Pituffik Space Base. During his visit, Vance gave a rousing speech in which he talked about the threat of China and Russia because, legally, he can’t threaten Greenland directly.

Vance then finished up his talk by planting the stars and stripes into the snow Iwo Jima-style.

However, it’s not clear that Vance actually wants the territory. When he first arrived, Vance commented, “It’s cold as shit here.” Throughout Vance’s address, he reiterated just how cold it was multiple times, a fact which the Greenlanders are likely well aware of.

“I think a lot of Americans wonder why does Greenland matter so much?” Vance said nicely in his speech. And as he continued to talk, it became clear from Vance’s expression that he was asking himself the same question.

Reportedly, Vance has taken his assessment back to Trump and both are now rethinking their plans for the golf course.

FOR MORE NEWS, here’s some news: Donald Trump Accidentally Adds JD Vance To Group Chat

A panel of leading medical experts has issued a health warning against the neurological condition colloquially known as ‘March Madness’.

Although previously thought to be just a fun moniker for the NCAA Division I men’s basketball competition and the betting surrounding said sport, March Madness is in fact a real disease and could potentially kill us all.

Citing a surge in stress-related ailments, sleep deprivation, emotional distress, and increased gambling, doctors are now calling for immediate action to mitigate the fatal consequences of ‘bracket mania’.

“Bracket Fever” The Silent Killer

“We’re witnessing a public health crisis of unprecedented proportions,” declared Dr. Doctor (geniuniely his real name), a renowned cardiologist and self-proclaimed “bracketologist.” “The symptoms of ‘Bracket Fever’ are unmistakable: elevated blood pressure, heart palpitations, nail-biting, and an unhealthy obsession with Cinderella stories and buzzer-beaters.”

Emergency rooms across the country are reporting a dramatic increase in cases of “Bracket-Induced Anxiety Disorder” (BIAD), characterized by an irrational fear of busted brackets and a debilitating inability to make coherent decisions during the tournament.

“Bracket Fever” The Silent Killer

“The sleep deprivation alone is alarming,” warned Dr. Sonambulatorious, a leading sleep specialist. “Fans are staying up all night, glued to their screens, tracking every upset and agonizing over their bracket picks. It’s a recipe for disaster.”

The emotional toll of March Madness is equally devastating. “We’re seeing a surge in cases of depression, anger, violence, arson, and most worrying of all: basketball,” said Dr. Feelgood, a psychiatrist specializing in sports-related trauma. “The agony of a busted bracket can trigger a cascade of negative emotions, leading to strained relationships, workplace conflicts, and even acts of arson. Everyone’s becoming a real… basket-case.”

Calls for Immediate(ish) Action

The medical community is calling for immediate(ish) action to address this national health crisis. Proposed solutions include:

Bracket Bans: Prohibiting the creation and sharing of brackets and any form of parenthetical [including the square ones] {and even those cool wiggly ones}, effectively eliminating the source of stress and anxiety.
Mandatory Timeouts: Enforcing mandatory month-long breaks in the middle of games to allow fans to de-stress, regain their composure, and maybe go to the toilet if they need.
Bracket Therapy: Providing professional counseling and support groups for those struggling with bracket-related trauma.
Upset Alerts: Implementing a national alert system to warn fans of impending upsets, allowing them to brace themselves for the emotional impact.

The Future of March Madness: A Disease We Can’t Cure?

Leading doctors fear these measures might not be enough and that sports fans across America and the globe might already be infected with the disease and could now be dormant carriers of the madness. The only hope may lie in developing a vaccine or treatment for March Madness, but the clock is ticking as the madness continues to spread.

For more sports-related disasters, read this: Any Sort Of Bowl, Super Or Otherwise, Fails To Make Appearance For 59th Year Running

OpenAI just added advanced image generation to ChatGPT 4.0, making it finally powerful enough to generate the highest expression of visual art: Studio Ghibli-style pictures of JD Vance.

But not everyone’s happy about this gift from God. In response, Donald Trump has issued an executive order outlawing any AI-generated memes of an anime JD Vance. Like this one, for example:

JD Vance Ghibli Style — (…Oh, shit, delete, DELETE!)

Posting on Truth Social, Trump explained:

“I hereby FORBID the use of ChatGPT to make JD VANCE AN ASIAN MAN. JD VANCE IS NOT AN ASIAN MAN!!!! The so-called failing ‘Studio Ghibli’ (which has not made a good movie since Porco Rosso) is trying to take away our national identity and greatest Vice President in history just because he has the face of a little baby child. NO MORE WHITE ERASURE!”

Anyone caught posting a Ghibli-fied Vance could face up to six months in jail, a fine of $14,000, and a restraining order against the Vice President.

Ad-Vance-d AI

In related news, Studio Ghibli has clapped back against the trend, threatening to sue OpenAI for plagiarism, which is unfair because everyone knows that plagiarism isn’t plagiarism when it’s AI. Any lawyer will tell you so.

In response to the potential suit, OpenAI responded with a hostile takeover bid against the Japanese animation house.

The purchase is likely to go through as OpenAI just finished its latest funding round, which gathered over $4 billion, and now the company doesn’t know what to do with all that money.

OpenAI has already laid out the future for Studio Ghibli, with plans to rebrand as ‘Studio GPT’ and release entirely AI-generated movies in an MCU-style interconnected universe beginning with a theatrical version of Vance’s adventures in ‘My Neighbor JD’.

Ghibli director Hayao Miyazaki responded positively to the takeover, saying of AI, “I am utterly disgusted… I strongly feel that this is an insult to life itself.” So, double thumbs up there.

Tesla CEO, Elon Musk, has announced a new line of three-wheeled vehicles in an effort to outmaneuver Trump’s new 25% auto tariff.

Trump’s tariff is an import tax of 25% on all cars and car parts. However, since the tariff only affects 25%, one quarter of the vehicle, any vehicle with just three wheels is effectively exempt.

Jumping on (through?) this loophole, Elon Musk has unveiled a range of Tesla cars with just three wheels. The new model dubbed, ‘Tess-less’, is identical to a regular Tesla with only the small difference that it’s missing a wheel.

Concerned drivers have asked whether this would make the car unstable but Musk has assured these potential buyers that if they just lean a bit away from the missing wheel, it should be fine.

Musk has also demanded a full recall of all Teslas and Cybertrucks promising to remove just one wheel and then return the cars to their owners.

The moves have baffled automobile, finance and business experts alike with many commenting, “He really doesn’t have to do that.”

“I’m not sure what he’s thinking,” commented expert of business and monies, Aubroronis Macasalaticoursitay. “Obviously the tariff is a percentage of 25% percent [out of 100] charge on top of the original cost, not a tax on just a quarter of the vehicle. The math isn’t mathing.”

But Elon has defended the move in a post on X that quote-posted a racist meme, “I fired my math guy because he cost too much and I can do it better. Tesla will be tariff exempt and faster with just three wheels.” These words were then followed by a stream of irrelevant emojis.

Only time will tell whether the Tessless will be the future of motor vehicle travel technology or if it will be the death of us all but either way, one thing is for certain, err, I guess. Not sure what that thing is but boy am I certain of it.

To read more about Trump’s Tariffs click here: Well, That’s Just Tariff-ic! Trump’s Trade War Ruins My Chances Of Becoming A Millionaire

High Ho? More like New Low: The Walt Disney company has taken a massive hit this week after Snow White only earned $87.3 million against an estimated budget of $270m. Disney stock is down 10% over the last month’s earnings of 100000%.

The only positive is that the movie has finally brought America together, as conservatives and liberals alike are applauding Snow White’s flop. Branded ‘Snow WOKE’ by the right and ‘NO Woke’ by the left, the fairy-tale remake was deemed offensive for both using and not using dwarfs.

The movie’s stars also courted controversy after they both decided to method-act their rivalry. Gal Gadot spoke out in support of Israel whilst Rachel Ziegler sided with Palestine. Just a great marketing strategy all round.

Now things are a little less ‘woke Disney’ and a little more ‘broke Disney’. Snow White? More like Snow in the RED. Seven Dwarfs? More like seven budget reports. …you get the idea.

Israel-Palestine War Behind Snow White Failure

Ever eager to prove everyone wrong, however, Disney has already ploughed ahead with greenlighting a follow up in a form of an animated remake of the live action remake of the classic cartoon.

Disney’s Snow White is the latest in a long line of live action reimaginings all the way back in 1946 with Song of The South. Whilst the all-CGI live action remake of the Lion King made $14 billion dollars recent offerings have been less stellar with Dumbo costing minus $14 billion and the real baby elephant used in filming had to be put down.

Disney has never done the reverse however of adapting a live action film into a cartoon and the company hopes this next project will turn things around for the studio.

“The thinking is if cartoon to live action makes negative money, then surely the reverse will give us positive money!” explained an exhasperated Bob Iger.

Reportedly Disney is planning to follow up the inevitable success of a animated live action cartoon remake with a whole new generation of remaking all their animated remakes as cartoons. And then once that inevitably bombs, then they’ll remake those cartoon remakes as live action again. And then again and again until the heat death of the universe.

In a serious lack of judgment that could cost millions of lives, President Donald Trump mistakenly added Vice President JD Vance to a private group chat discussing super top secret presidential information.

Although Vance (known exclusively as ‘JD’ to those within a 6-meter radius) is Vice President, the bestselling author has been rarely seen in public, appearing only to scold foreign leaders and pose for baby photos.

Reportedly, Trump has grown tired of Vance’s crazed ramblings. Privately, Trump has expressed regret in selecting Vance for the position over the more qualified Musk.

When Trump created a private WhatsApp group chat named ‘Legends Chat’, the President specified in the very first message, “everyone add anyone legendary, NO JD!!!”

However, when members were bulk-adding so-called ‘awesome’ individuals, Trump clearly mistyped and accidentally allowed Vance into the select group.

Vance immediately posted a welcome message to the group, which was not the vibe at all.

The message read, “Hello fellow legends! So glad to be added to such a fine group. To all the familiar faces, we meet again! And to all the new faces, I very much look forward to getting to know everyone over the course of this WhatsApp chat!!”

14 members immediately left the group, and Marco Rubio reportedly handed in his resignation, citing ‘cringe’ as the only reason for his departure.

However, since most members of the chat had Vance on mute, the conversation continued unaware of his presence. Secretary of Defence, Pete Hegseth, went on to discuss top-secret military operations against Yemeni Houthis to which Vance responded with a ‘wow’ emoji.

As only the Vice President, Vance obviously does not have the clearance for this kind of information. Reportedly, JD hopped into another group chat he has with just a couple of Houthi buddies to let them know about the upcoming attack. The move could potentially put millions of lives at risk.

For more on this developing story, please let me know, I’m really invested in this one.

The country Turkey (not the animal, that would be stupid) has banned the sale of shorts across all markets leading to a massive spike in the sale of pants and pantsuits.

The move is an attempt to halt the country’s tumbling stock market which was triggered by mass protests. These protests in turn were triggered by President Erdogan detaining his opposition leader, Imamoglu.

Famous pants wearer, Recep Tayyip Erdogan objected to Istanbul Mayor Ekrem Imamoglu’s flagrant wearing of shorts even in cold weather and has thus sought to bolster the pants market with his arrest followed by a freeze on all sales of shorts.

Erdogan also relaxed stock market buyback rules so that Turks can more easily return their pants to shops even if there’s a little bit of spaghetti spilled on them.

Riots reportedly broke out across the country with people desperately rushing to buy up as many shorts as they could before the ban took effect.

One concerned citizen, Hussein Ekopollolah who was seen wearing multiple pairs of shorts on top of each other so that he looked dummy thicc had this to say:

“I like shorts.”

Ekopollolah was later arrested and killed for wearing shorts outside of curfew.

Since Turkey is generally a hot country, sales of shorts have been historically strong. Now financial analysts are worried this might ruin everything.

The Turkish lira, which is their silly name for ‘dollars’, is down at the moment and is likely to keep going down. In an attempt to quell the bleeding, the Turkish central bank reportedly plans to hold a 91-day maturity liquidity bill auction, but it’s unclear how selling water will help matters.

This news comes after Turkey announced it would be selling 420 million eggs to America for some reason. I guess that didn’t work out so well for them. But you know what they say, you can’t break an omelet without making a few eggs.

For more news on this news, please call the number at the bottom of your screen now:

This week fitness influencers have been going viral by releasing in-depth breakdowns of their intense morning routines. Now, Donald Trump has gotten in on the trend and the White House has released an official breakdown of the President’s morning routine.

Following in the hench, faith-filled footsteps of Mark Wahlberg’s intense regimen, read below to see how Trump’s routine has changed and manipulated time to make the most of his presidency!

4:15 Protein-rich Trump Steaks.

5:00 Wake.

5:01 Read favorite Bible verse, “[REDACTED]” whilst brushing teeth (for efficiency).

5:02 Finish brushing teeth. Rinse mouth with Coke.

5:14 Spit.

5:16 Cleanse palate with Pepsi.

5:17 Remove sleep clothes.

5:18 Step into shower.

5:28 Turn on water.

6:30 Leave shower.

6:31 Run 5k-pressup-combo.

6:45 Complete 5k-pressup-combo (new personal best).

6:50 Optional second 5k-pressup-combo (new personal best).

7:00 Plunge head in ice bowl.

7:01 Thank the troops.

7:02 Forgot to feed Eric his breakfast.

7:01 Feed Eric.

7:05 Oh, wait, I need breakfast too…

7:01 Trump Steaks.

7:05 Executive time.

7:13 Policy time.

7:14 Eastern Standard Time.

7:15 Enter War Room for a vital briefing on the crisis points of negotiating the Ukraine war peace agreement.

7:16 Scroll Truth Social.

7:59 Plunge head in ice bowl.

8:00 Leave war room briefing.

8:15 Begin course on Trump University to unlock all 110% of brain power (link in description below).

8:18 Cryo chamber recovery.

8:20 Trump Steaks (source of protein).

8:21 Cheeky lil catchup with ol’ pal Putin.

10:00 Text Putin about the call we just had.

10:30 Press conference assuring world that we’re on Ukraine’s side.

10:31 Leave press conference.

10:32 Conduct own secret press conference to mirror in bathroom (NOT SAD).

10:33 Plunge head in ice bowl.

10:34 Plunge head in ice bowl.

10:35 Plunge head in ice bowl.

10:36 Plunge head in ice bowl.

10:37 Plunge head in ice bowl.

10:38 Plunge head in ice bowl.

10:39 Plunge head in ice bowl.

10:58 Remove head from ice bowl.

10:59 Rub banana peel on face.

11:00 Meeting with J.D. (or golf depending on vibes).

11:30 Remove hostage tape from J.D.’s mouth.

11:31 J.D. says thank you.

11:32 Nod in response.

11:32 Keep nodding.

11:33 Wish Elon were here.

11:34 Think about those J.D. babyface memes.

11:34 Wish J.D. was an actual baby.

11:35 Call J.D. a baby.

11:36 Reapply hostage tape.

11:39 Leave.

11:40 Remove banana peel.

11:45 Work/work calls/meetings/work/(family time).

12:00 Begin nap until next day.

And that’s it! The White House said that although this looks like a morning routine this actually counts as a full day, so then he has two days in one day and 21 days a week.

As the official press release explains, “Stack it up over a month he’s gonna kick your butt. Stack it up over a year, you’re toast. Stack it up over five years his entire life is different than it would have been otherwise.”

But what’s your opinion? I for one find it eerily similar to my day. Do you think you could give the Trump routine a go? Get hench like the big boss? Let us know in the comments below!

Russian President Vladimir Putin has admitted that at multiple points during peace negotiations with Ukraine, he has secretly crossed his fingers behind his back, making all his statements at the time legally null and void.

The action of crossing your fingers behind your back is a super duper top-secret method known only to the KGB and all children. In case you are neither of those things, let me explain: any statement made whilst holding crossed fingers behind your back means you didn’t really mean that statement. It’s just science.

The nullified statement can be anything from ‘I really promise I didn’t swallow Ashley’s Pokémon-shaped Cheeto!’ to ‘I really promise I won’t attack Ukraine’s energy infrastructure!’ Either way, the statement is no longer legally binding and cannot be upheld in the International Criminal Court.

Putin’s admission came this week during a press conference where he was asked about the latest ceasefire agreement. The Russian President then held up his crossed fingers and cried, “No give-ses back-ses!” (but in Russian) then scurried off stage squealing with glee like a little girl.

Ukraine’s President Volodymyr Zelensky(y) responded to the flawless outmaneuvering by saying, “Oooh, drats,” (but in Ukrainian).

United States President of the United States Donald Trump replied in a Truth Social post:

“WE MUST RESPECT THE HIGHEST LAW IN THE LAND, THE LAW OF THE PLAYGROUND!! President Putin (who I respect very much) made a great move and I only wish I had thought of it first! Do not fear! President Zelensky (who I respect) and I are already discussing a perfect comeback move we are thinking that maybe it was officially opposite day and Putin did not know or we might just tell on the teacher. WE WILL HAVE PEACE!!!!!”

Donald Trump ended the post with a winky face, suggesting that his entire statement might not be legally binding and that Trump has a secret finger-crossing technique of his own.

To learn more about this developing story, please, I’m begging you, read literally any other news source than this one:

SHOCKING: TV Personalities Fail To Negotiate World Peace

New research conducted by the PepsiCo company has uncovered the existence of a rare, previously unknown species of wombat that subsists solely on Doritos.

Ingeniously named the ‘Doritos Wombat’ (Doritophagus nachoensis), this remarkable marsupial has evolved a triangular snout perfectly adapted for chowing down on tasty tasty Cool Ranch Dorito chips and dipping into “our wide selection of dips and salsas”.

“We were initially sceptical when we first heard reports of wombats eating Dorito chips,” said D.R. Andrews (not a doctor), lead author of the study published in Chips and Dips Monthly. “But after conducting extensive field observations and laboratory experiments, we can confirm that the Doritos wombat is indeed a real animal.”

According to D.R. Andrews (again, that’s just his initials), the wombat is believed to have originated in the southwestern United States. Although wombats are not native to this region it is presumed that an escaped pet, subsisted solely off the popular snack and bred to form the new species. The wombats have since spread to other parts of the country and have been spotted in states as far away as Canada and Gaza.

“This wombat is a testament to the incredible diversity of life on Earth and the delicious taste and wide range of Doritos products,” said D.R. Andrews (His name is Desmond Raymond Andrews, the fact he goes by D.R. is just misleading).

But how can this be profitable for Frito-Lay? I hear you ask. Well, to promote the discovery, the snack company behind the chips has launched a tie-in ‘wombat flavor’, set to hit shelves next year. They also hope the renewed interest in the snack will increase sales (of the snack that is).

Conservationists are concerned that the wombat’s reliance on a single food source could make it vulnerable to population declines if Doritos were to become unavailable or reformulated. Doritos and Dorito-branded products have now been placed on the endangered species list, the first time anything other than a species has received such an honor.

“We need to protect the Doritos wombat and its unique dietary habits,” said D.R. Andrews (I’m sorry, but legally I have to clarify every time, that this man is not a doctor). “We owe it to future generations to ensure that this amazing creature continues to grace our trashcans. If you love nature, keep buying Doritos!”

This article is sponsored by Doritos.

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