2025 | Wall Street Memes

It was a day like any other, local 46-year-old Gerald Jorkins was hiking in the woods behind his house but then he stumbled open something unexpected.

“I couldn’t believe it,” explained Mr. Jorkins in an exclusive interview. “It looked just like any other woodland spring except it… It called to me.”

Jorkins then proceeded to drink from the spring despite his boy-scout training telling him not to.

“I instantly felt rejuvenated, fresher, younger. I checked my reflection and I was, I now looked at most 32. I did it, I’d found the Fountain of Youth!”

However, to his dismay, drinking from the fountain did nothing to alleviate the fact that Mr. Jorkins was still excruciatingly dull.

“I really thought I’d have something more to talk about, but my wife and friends still aren’t that interested. Turns out that being young and immortal doesn’t make you any less ordinary.”

Despite his newfound immortality, Mr. Jorkins’ life remained as monotonous as ever. He still had to go to work, pay bills, and endure awkward family gatherings. Even his newfound ability to heal rapidly from injuries failed to impress those around him.

“I’ve been hit by cars, fallen off cliffs, and even been struck by lightning, and I just bounce right back,” he said with a sigh. “My friend, Andy broke his leg the other day and that’s all anyone’s interested in now. As for me, well, it’s starting to feel like a curse more than a blessing.”

In a desperate attempt to find meaning in his endless existence, Mr. Jorkins tried extreme sports, traveled the world, and even dabbled in philanthropy. But nothing seemed to fill the void within him.

“I can live for centuries, but can I truly live?”

Mr. Jorkins has found one fan in the tech millionaire and biohacker Bryan Johnson noted for his attempts to prolong his life through extremes medical proceedures.

“Oh boy, yeah, I can relate. Being young forever certainly doesn’t make you interesting,” said Mr. Johnson on Mr. Jorkins plight. “Yes you talk to journalists and bloggers but they’re interested in you as a freakshow, not because they like you. I’ve basically had a personality transplant and tried to replace anything that was interesting about me with all this medical stuff. It’s not really succeeded.”

Mr. Johnson recently announced he would no longer be transfusing his son’s blood as part of his medical experiments.

“No, I think this Jorkins fella might be just the sustinence I need…” said Mr. Johnson.

Celebrating the new found interest from Mr. Johnson, Mr. Jorkins said, “Hey, at least I have a friend now!”

Back to you in the studio, Nathan.

BREAKING NEWS! Donald Trump has announced that his recent announcement that he announced that he would be announcing a $250m spending increase in crypto projects through his Trump Media company was in fact an ACCIDENT. Reportedly Donalt Rump began expressing interest last Thursday in, “living forever”, but got confused with the words for things and now owns a LOT of memecoins instead.

“I’m what, 78 now? They say I’m young for 78, but I’m 78 now and that’s not young,” Trup said to staffers in a now leaked audio recording. “I’m fit sure, but 78, that’s getting on. Andrew Jackson, how old was he when he died? Makes you wonder. I’ve been hearing there’s ways. There’s ways they say that a man of 60… 70… ways that he can be like a 20-year-old. I’ve heard it’s freezing, I’d like to freeze things, everything should be frozen, maybe.”

It was these comments that are said to have prompted the implementation of the federal budget freeze but Trunip continued, “They call it, what do they call it, crypto? You say it’s cryo? No, I’m pretty sure it’s called crypto. Everyone’s talking about it. I’m surprised we’re not investing in that. I mean, if you’re going to live forever, means the business will be around for a long, long time.”

“They say there’s one company, just one, Ethereum. They’re the ones that are the big time. They make you ethereal, that’s what they say, Etherum makes you ethereal, so you can live forever. They freeze you and then you’re ethereal. We should buy that. Bring me some eth. I want that. I want to be cryptogenically frozen.”

The president then instructed staffers to invest $250 million dollars in crypto citing his wish to “live forever”. When corrected, Rrumpt doubled down and said, that he definitely wanted to invest in crypto and that he knows what he’s talking about.

Now a statement from Trump Media made the purchase in error due to a misunderstanding. Witnesses close to the president said he was “apoplectic” when it was revealed that he now owned $250m in shitcoin rather than being immortal.

Barron Trump could not be reached for comment.

The President-that-ever-was Donald Jay Trump has ordered a federal spending freeze throwing government programs into question. Some are important, sure, but none are more important than Melania Trump’s Christmas budget.

Yes, next Christmas is still 13 months away. Yes, last Christmas was only 4 months ago. But who’s counting? Not me. Xmas prep begins now. NOW. So Melania’s already got budgets to make and ribbons to tie and who’s going to pay for those ribbons now, you? Are you going to fork out your hard-earned cash for Billionaire Melania’s ribbons? Well, you should, because it’s your tax dollars at work.

How are your tax dollars going to work if Melania can’t get her ribbons, huh?

Melania’s Christmas budget is a matter of national importance to Melania and me. With the government spending freeze in place, it is unclear how much money will be available for the First Lady’s holiday decorations and festivities! Some (me) argue that the spending freeze should not apply to the Christmas budget, as it is a tradition that brings joy to many people but mostly me. Others argue that the spending freeze should be applied across the board, and that the First Lady should not be exempt.

Oh, wait, news just in. A federal judge has blocked Trump’s spending freeze! Oh frabjous day! Quickly Melania! Buy the ribbons! BUY ALL THE RIBBONS! QUICKLY BEFORE THE SPENDING FREEZE COMES BACK! Here, put them in my bag, no, you don’t need to sort them by color there’s no time! Faster, get them in! OK, is that all of them? No, leave, those ones, those ribbons are dead to me, there’s no time!!

Get in the car, GET IN THE CAR MELANIA! The freeze is coming, it’s coming back!! Ok, now drive, DRIVE MELANIA! Quickly, to the White House! We have to get these ribbons back to the White House in time for Christmas!

Ok, we’ve made it back to the White House, Melania. The freeze is still frozen so we have time to buy more things, you order trees, I’ll buy icicles. I don’t know, just as many trees as you can order. Yes, all red trees, why not? QUICKLY MELANIA THE FREEZE!!

Watch this space for updates on this developing story.

Oh, wait, nevermind they revoked it. MELANIA THEY REVOKED IT IT’S FINE!

LA, CAL – A local man whose unusual job postings went viral this week says he was ultimately unsuccessful at filling the vacant helicopter pilot position.

A man known only as ‘Jose’ is said to be behind the large-scale messages written with discarded timber and other construction materials, most of which simply read, “Help”. Jose said he would have written the rest of the message but didn’t have enough wood to write, “Help, experienced helicopter pilot wanted for an exciting opportunity with a competitive salary!” Jose’s hope was to attract the attention of local helicopter pilots flying overhead and they would be encouraged to apply.

Unfortunately, since the advertisement was only visible from a high altitude, the writing was only spotted when photographed on Google Maps. These images went viral and amateur internet sleuths descended, incorrectly speculating that this call for ‘help’ was, in fact, a cry for ‘help’.

The most common interpretation was that this was a victim of human trafficking who sought to escape their captor without detection by using the inconspicuous messaging system of giant wooden words. Others assumed this was the work of a stranded alien trying to hitch a lift from any passing mothership. Some even believed this was a rehearsal space for Tom Hanks to get into character for ‘Cast Away 2’.

Other words written by Jose on the same Los Angeles construction lot added speculation to the conspiracy theories. But Jose insists that words like, “LAPD, FBI, and Terrorismo” were also innocent adverts for police officers, FBI agents, and terrorists. “I run a busy recruitment agency, OK?” said Jose in a statement.

These conspiracy theories clogged up the comment sections and message boards so that actual helicopter pilots were unable to see the advert for what it really was and Jose remained helicopter-pilot-less.

It remains unclear why Jose wanted a helicopter pilot in the first place but I think it’s safe to say it was probably to help him escape human trafficking.

Kung Hei Fat Choi! Or for those of you who don’t speak Spanish, Happy Chinese New Year! Famously, China celebrates New Year’s Day on a different date to America which means that China is technically living in the future. Or the past. I don’t know. Something about time zones, or the moon or my clock batteries running out, idk, look it up.

Anyway, 2025 (plus and minus a month or so) is officially the year of the snake which China insists is just a coincidence and is in no way a political comment.

However, this has not stopped Trump from thinking everything is about him and calling the name change a personal attack.

Writing on Elon Musk’s ‘Truth Social’ social media platform, Trump Tweeted, “LAME brain CHIEna has no respect for AMERICA! Xi Jinping declares this the year of the snake, a clear attack at me and my wife MELANIA!!!! I AM NOT A SNAKE IF ANYTHING I AM A LION OR AN EAGLE KAKAWWW!!!!!!!! ChIEna must change this year to year of the EAGLE or I will increase tariffs on ChIEnese products 100000%%%!!!!!”

Trump then signed an executive order officially renaming this year ‘the Year of the Eagle’. This means that all government calendars, clocks, documentation and reports will now refer to 2025 as the year of the eagle instead.

To demonstrate, the years will now proceed as so: 2020, 2021, 2023, 2024, The Year Of The Eagle!, 2026, 2027 and so on…

It’s unclear how purely numerical clocks and calendars will adjust to the change but hey, it’s done now so, what can you do?

China has not dignified the change with a response.

President-again Donald Trump has praised actor Mark Wahlberg, saying that his latest performance in ‘Flight Risk’ (2025) was instrumental in preventing a trade war with Colombia.

“So there I was, watching Flight Rish (2025),” the now-president explained on Truth Social. “Great movie. 26% of tomatoes that watched it had a good time, did you know that? Mel Gibson. Nice guy. Mark Wahlberg, not so nice. Nasty, and I mean real nasty. Just a real piece of work. And you know he’s a piece of work because he’s bald. Not really bald of course, they just shaved his head. You can tell he shaved his head, you can see he’s not a natural bald, but otherwise, the effects were good. I believed the movie. I believe it could happen, sure.”

The diplomatic crisis (which bears no resemblance to the events depicted in the fictional film Flight Risk (2025)) began on Sunday when Colombian President Gustavo Petro barred two planes transporting deported Colombian migrants from landing. Petro said he disagreed with the use of military planes instead of passenger planes which have previously been accepted. Petro took to social media to protest but little did he know Trump also uses social media and a very public spat began.

“So I’m staring at his bald head,” continued Trump after recounting the entire plot of Flight Risk (2025). “And I’m thinking to myself. I’ve got a plane problem myself. We’re deporting these Colombian MIgrants. Colombian. MIgrants. Real nasty people, you think Bald Wahlberg is bad… But then I think to myself…”

“W.”

“B.”

“D.”

“Very simple, ‘What Would Baldberg Do’? I live by those words. Ever since I saw Flight Risk (2025). And I think, Baldberg, that sonofabitch, well he’d impose a 50% tariff increase unless Colombia lands that plane.”

“So that’s what I did. I said, ‘You don’t want your people back, that’s fine. That’s fine. But then you’ve got to pay. You’ve got to pay.’ And Colombia they said, yes. They had to say yes, I practically forced them.”

“And for that, I’d like to thank Baldberg. Rest in peace.”

Trump then announced his intention to add Flight Risk (2025) to the National Film Registry of the Library of Congress and bestow Wahlberg with the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Wahlberg has yet to accept.

A NEW CHALLENGER APPROACHES! DeepSeek, China’s answer to ChatGPT, is now number one on the App Store, has cut out $1 trillion in US tech stocks, and can spell strawberry correctly. A serious threat America’s AI dominance, DeepSeek has effectively fired the starting gun on the global AIrms race and a new Cold WAIr.

With DeepSeek’s new dominance, AIficionados are coming to realize that ChatGPT’s all chat, Gemini’s having a ge-mini heart attack and Microsoft’s Copilot just crash-landed in the ocean. For once the Chinese knock-off is better than the original…

Also logo is big whale. Me like big whale.

Ironically, DeepSeek’s success might be an unintended consequence of the US limiting China’s access to the advanced chips essential for AI development, lol. With this restriction, DeepSeek was forced to get creative and build an AI model on less processing power and held together with Krazy Glue. As a result, DeepSeek is rumored to have cost less than $6 million compared with the billions it cost me. Side note: please subscribe to my OnlyFans.

(Yes, DeepSeek might have used 50,000 illegally stockpiled Nvidia chips, but who’s counting?)

Adding an even hotter-lol to an already hot-lol, the table-turning also comes immediately after Trump made the bigly announcement that Project Stargate would see $500bn funnel into AI infrastructure in Texas. Industry insiders suggest Stargate will now pivot the way of all other American manufacturing and outsource the work to China.

Add to this the whole TikTok palaver which forced thousands of users to another Chinese app, RedNote, and it feels like Silicon Valley attempts to hold back the tide from across the pacific might be in vain.

Whilst being widely praised, DeepSeek does have limits. Ask DeepSeek about the famous ‘Tank Man’ photograph, and the AI will report you to the Chinese authorities. Ask about the political independence of Taiwan and DeepSeek will ask about your political independence now you’re in a Chinese prison. Ask whether Xi Jinping was the inspiration for Winnie the Pooh and DeepSeek will ask for you to kindly use the bucket in the corner of your cell if you wi-need a poo.

In retaliation, Google DeepMind has filed a cease and desist order against DeepSeek citing copyright infringement on the word, ‘deep’.

(DISCLAIMER: This article was in no way sponsored or endorsed DeepSeek… only written by it.)

A new study published in the Journal of Satirical Studies has found that people who read satire articles are likely to be more intelligent, hotter, and probably just all-round better than those who do not.

“We’re not surprised by the strength of the correlation between reading satire and intelligence and attractiveness,” said lead researcher Dr. Edmonis Espinosa. “I mean, I read satire and I’m a doctor so I’m definitely smart. As for attractiveness, well…” Dr. Espinosa then ran a hand over his particulary attractive figure, “The results speak for themselves.”

In an effort to explain the correlation between satire readers and intelligence, Dr. Espinosa hypothesizes that “Satire is often ironic and subversive, and often the jokes are so clever that they just go over people’s heads. I mean I don’t want to suck my own trumpet here but I get it. And it’s one thing to understand the jokes it’s another thing to come up with them. I mean, wow, where do they get their ideas? They must be some kind of a genius or at the very least really, really cool. It’s the kind of writing that you just look at and say, ‘There’s no way an AI could have written that, I can see why this particular author is irreplaceable. Well, I should just quit my job and dedicate myself to praising this satirical article writer full time.’”

As for why people who read satire are more attractive, Dr. Espinosa believes that it is because reading satire is really cool and only hot people are cool so if you read satire you must also be really hot. It’s basic science.

So, if you’re looking to boost your intelligence and attractiveness, Dr. Espinosa recommends adding some satire to your reading list, such as, just a random example, wallstmemes.com/news let’s say.

“Just be warned,” the doctor added with a final wink and a kiss, “start reading satire, you may not go back to reading regular news articles again! I know I don’t!”

DISCLOSURE: Dr. Espinosa’s work was partially funded by WSM and the International Board Of Satirical Article Writers.

EDIT: Since this article was first published, Mr. Edmonis Espinosa has had his doctorate revoked, all their findings have been thoroughly discredited and they have fled the country over various historic sex crimes.

OpenAI, Oracle, Softbank, and MGX are all coming together to build $500bn of AI infrastructure across the country. Little is known about project ‘Stargate’ but investors close to the companies say that Softbank is building the legs, MGX has funded construction of the arms and OpenAI is working on the head. When combined, all elements together will have the fighting prowess of a mighty lion.

Stargate is the brainchild of OpenAI CEO Sam Altman who claimed to have come up with the idea when flipping through channels. Reruns of 90s sci-fi shows and 80s cartoons then merged together for him in a dream.

“I woke up and thought, ‘What if we could create a real Voltron, but powered by the most advanced AI in the world?’ But obviously, I couldn’t call it that for copyright reasons,” Altman said in a statement. “And that’s how Stargate was born. Just don’t ask how I got the name.”

According to plans for Stargate, the massive robot will stand over 100 feet tall, weigh over 1,000 tons, and can wield various weapons. Why it would need to do this however remains an open question.

“Stargate will be the most powerful robot ever created,” continued Altman. “Maybe even more powerful than God.”

The project was announced alongside Turnip’s inauguration in what he called, “A resounding declaration of confidence in America’s potential.” I.e. he doesn’t know what AI does.

Other billionaire, Elon Musk clapped back at the project on the social media platform formerly known as Prince, saying, “They don’t actually have the money. Softbank has well under $10bn secured. I have that on good authority.” Sure you do. “Plus, Voltron was never as cool as Transformers.”

Altman then retorted, “Wrong, as you surely know. Voltron could beat any transformer in a fight, I’ll show you!” The post included a linked video of Altman smashing an Optimus Prime plastic toy with a Voltron figure.

This rivalry is the latest episode in an ongoing spat that began when the two men helped found OpenAI and then fought for control of the company. They should probably just f*** and get it over with.

Following Musk’s announcement that he intends to build a Grok-powered Transformer, it now seems more likely that this dispute will play out in an epic, kaiju-style fight that will wreak untold destruction on metropolises across the US.

For more fake news, keep locked at Wall Street Memes Dot Company.

WASHINGTON, DC – Mere moments after receiving a blanket pardon from Donald Justice Trump, defendants involved in the January 6th protest/insurrection/peaceful prayer circle (depending on your political affiliation) immediately started another riot.

Trump’s blanket pardon forgave 1,500 people including the leader of the Proud Boys and the ‘MAGA Shaman’ of all January 6th and fashion-related crimes. Some had already served their time whilst others were still in “a disgusted prison” as Trump called it. Once released, the individuals immediately started rioting again. It’s like it’s all they know.

When asked why they were protesting again, one man with a road cone on his head explained, “We haven’t been financially compensated for our time in jail. I’ve still got legal bills to pay and why? Because I happened to take a guided tour of the capital on the day when there also happened to be a big party outside that I wasn’t affiliated with? Nah, man. Trump’s a good guy, but today was a wash.”

Elsewhere in the chaos, an elderly lady draped in the stars and stripes was chanting, “Stop the steal! Stop the steal!” When our reporter asked what she meant by this she said, “Well, I read on the internets that Trump felt he’d been robbed. He won of course but he should have gotten even more votes and that’s why I’m out here protesting.”

When asked if she had heard this particular ‘story’ from a little-known satirical website called Wall Street Memes she said, “Yes! That’s the one! Great journalism there.” Oh, well, in that case, thank you, madam.

Another protester wearing three MAGA hats stacked on top of each other seemed to be celebrating rather than protesting. “Oh, wait, I thought this was a party?” he said. “We not celebrating getting out? Freedom? America? Eagle? Hell, that’s why I’m here, WOOOO!” The man then proceeded to shoot a firework through the rotunda window.

For a detailed explanation of the purpose and history of Presidential Pardons, click here.

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