Author: Ima Short

This week, aircraft manufacturer Boeing said it could raise as much as $25 billion to cover a falling share price, workers’ strike, and the skyrocketing cost of private assassins.

“Everyone’s been hit hard by inflation and hitmen aren’t alone in that,” said Bill Sigh, chairman of the International Union of Assassins and Hitpeople (pronounced, ‘IUoAaH!’ as if being garrotted). “We’ve got domestic abuse settlements to pay just like everyone else. Boeing was our biggest client but if they can’t pay, well, then maybe they might have a little… accident.”

Earlier this year multiple former Boeing employees raised concerns over safety at the company. Some were later found dead. In response, Boeing slashed its whistle budget and fired anyone caught breathing out a bit too overzealously, but whistleblowing incidents remain high.

“There’s only one surefire way to stop someone yapping and that’s a bullet sure-fired into their head, you know what I’m saying? That, or just settle out of court,” threatened Mr Sigh. “Sure murder creates a paper trail and makes you the prime suspect for a crime far greater than the one you’re trying to cover up but when did being sensible stop anyone?”

Early on in negotiations with the assassin’s guild, Boeing attempted to pay the hitmen in airline vouchers, which were promptly refused. “You take me for a chump? Oh, sure, I’ll get on the flight and it’ll have a little ‘software malfunction’ and before I know it, I’m sleeping wid da fishes? DA FISHES?! No, way. Oldest trick in the book”

Boeing then floated the idea of paying a different set of hitmen to take out the first group of hitmen. When asked how they would pay off that second group of hitmen, Boeing explained that they would simply hire another group and then another group after that and it’s, “Hitmen all the way down.”

With negotiations broken down and no other options, Boeing now seeks to sell off shares to pay the full $25 billion ransom to the hitmen waiting outside ominously hitting baseball bats against their palms.

This news is just the latest in nearly a decade of headaches for the company that began with those meddling safety regulations. Boeing has long fought regulators for the right to make planes that can fall out of the sky but has met roadblocks at every turn.

Regarding those crashes, Mr. Sigh had a conspiracy theory of his own. “Now, I’m not saying it was us hitmen who originally tampered with those aircraft so that people would whistleblow and then we’d be employed to orchestrate the coverup… But if we did, well, let’s just say I probably wouldn’t tell you.”