John Combs | Wall Street Memes

Across the globe, millions of men cried out in pain and then immediately committed seppuku, knowing that they had lost out on the chance to be dubbed the sexiest man alive. Instead, PEOPLE Magazine’s award for the man who is objectively the sexiest goes to John ‘Jim from the Office’ Krasinski.

“Yeah, not going to lie, I’m pretty disappointed,” said 43-year-old bachelor and retired dog-euthanasiologist, Barton Meegles, from Michigan. “I know I’m not anyone famous or anything, but I think I’m pretty sexy.” Meegles then demonstrated by flexing a negligible bicep. “How can they tell he’s actually the sexiest though when they didn’t even take a look at me? This really sets my game back another five years.”

PEOPLE Magazine did, however, conduct extensive research on men up and down my wife’s ‘free pass’ list. Tests included a grueling five-mile obstacle course, a tax audit, a date with PEOPLE Magazine editor Wendy Naugle, and a blood test to discern the nominee’s midi-chlorian count.

Once the data was in, years of discussion and analysis by some of the world’s top scientists, mathematicians, and beauticians determined that indeed Krasinski is mathematically the man most filled with sex, narrowly beating notorious sex addict and convicted pervert, Slippery Steve.

Having successfully murdered the previous winner, Chris Evans, in a battle to the death, Krasinski now wears the crown for a year until his inevitable defeat by next year’s sexiest man.

The results of the most important election this year were announced during The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, accompanied by an instructional video skit explaining how you too can be sexy that is genuinely hilarious… what? Game recognize game.

PEOPLE’s Sexiest Man Dead award will be announced later in the year, with Elvis Presley, Genghis Khan, and Joe Biden pegged for the top spots.

Emily Blunt could not be reached for comment.

Dear Dairy,

Hey, it’s me again, you’re buddy Joseph Robinette Biden. Well, Dairy, things have come around pretty fast for old Joe, let me tell you. So, here’s the deal, I’m now officially the president un-elect and pretty soon I won’t even be that anymore!

In a couple months Don-Don (worst frienemy ever) is going to take my job and so I’m not sure what I can do until then. Am I even allowed to make laws? Am I just supposed to keep the seat warm until he gets here?

I’ve been real stuck looking for things to do, Dairy. I went outside to play for a bit but that got boring real quick. I already tidied my room like Jill (biden) told me to. She said I don’t want to leave it messy for the next guy but what if I don’t even like the next guy!!!!!

Although, maybe it would be fun to play a few pranks… hmm… Maybe I could hide the nuclear codes or stack the Supreme Court or… Ok, how about this, I slip a little whoopie cushion under a chair here, a mattress there. Dumb Don won’t even know until… Trump! Haha. Now, that’s comedy.

Kamala’s not being any fun anymore either. If I was ever bored she’d come over and have a laugh but I don’t think she’s left her room since she lost the big competition that I wasn’t allowed to even enter because I’m too old which I don’t think is fair because I’m only a little bit too older than Don-Don. Sigh. Mega-big HUGE sigh.

What to do, Dairy, what to do… I could play on my new DS. Well, it’s an old DS I got it in a flea market but it still works and it’s really good and it came with Animal Crossing: Wild World already in it. I’ve almost saved up enough bells to get the tartan rug from Tom Nook.

Oh! That reminds me, I need to ask what furniture Don’s going to keep and what I can take with me. I think last time Melania threw it all out so I’m going to ask if I can keep the curtains because I think they’ll look really cute in my new… wait, where am I even going to live? Oh.

Oh, Dairy there’s just so much to think about but nothing to do! January 20th can’t come any sooner. Anyways, bye-bye for now!

Love, Joe (biden)

Like an imminent rabid raccoon ambush, election day is nearly upon us. In these final moments, Donald Trump is busy securing crucial résumé experience should November 5th not go his way.

Trump already established himself as a “highly motivated individual” when he successfully caused an E. coli outbreak during one McDonald’s shift. But now he seeks to demonstrate that he is “highly flexible and a quick learner” by taking up the role of garbage man.

Don-ing a safety vest (orange, mais bien sûr) over his shirt and tie, Trump elegantly hopped aboard a refuse truck and posed for a photographic opportunity. The former president hopes that this will be evidence enough of his work experience and fill up any outstanding gaps in his employment history. Should any employer need further evidence of being a garbage man, Trump thankfully can cite multiple sexual assault allegations.

Speaking about his work experience at the following rally, Trump said he said, “How the hell do you get into this truck, it’s way up high, it’s a big one. This was a beauty! I said you didn’t have to buy it that big, right? You have to get it that big?”

Next on the campaign trail, Trump hopes to speed-run multiple occupations by visiting his local KidsZania with his dressing-up box. Trump is set for future rally appearances as several varied occupations including: optometrist, cosmetic surgeon, swamp drainer, gumball machine repairman, lexicographer, crossing guard, court jester, Republican Presidential nominee, Faberge egg manufacturer, hot dog specialist, race car driver, Wall Mart greeter, disco dancer, project analyst, air hostess, Bible salesman and horse.

Meanwhile, Kamala Harris has done NOTHING to demonstrate that she is a common man and unlike Trump has no backup option should she lose the race. It remains unclear whether she will be able to retain her job as Vice President in Trump’s White House.

Here’s hoping she can gain some much-needed extra credits before this coming Tuesday when the runaway freight train of flaming manure that is this election collides with the soft and squishy brains of the American electorate.

‘Tis the season to be dressed up! ‘Tis. All halloooooween’s eve is almost upon us and that means children and opportunistic adults alike should all be preparing their tricking and/or treating attire. But if you haven’t been thinking much about getting out and having fun then we’ve got you covered… in a Halloween costume that is!

10. The Joker

An oldie but a goldie. What better way to memorialize the tragic death of a beloved actor from over a decade ago than by slapping on some face paint and calling it a day? Thankfully there’s a new iteration of this iconic character every year so this low-effort costume never goes out of style.

It’s quick and simple and gives you the opportunity to dig out that mediocre impression that you can do. The presence of this creepy murderer will be sure to make you the life of the party, just don’t forget your knife!

9. Guy Who Couldn’t Think Of A Costume In Time

A variation of the classic ‘guy who doesn’t like halloween’, guy who couldn’t think of a costume in time lets you wear whatever you like so long as it looks like regular clothes. The more unwashed with a little stain the better. The aim is to be ironic and cool and as detached from the festivities as possible!

8. A Jar Of Lard

Here are two things that lard and you have in common: no one likes you. We’re talking gross, we’re talking slimy, we’re talking just completely pointless and lard is all these things as well. Dressing up as a big fat jar of lard is just an all-time perfect fit for someone like you. Do it, loser.

7. A French Person

Now, before we get sued again I just want to clarify: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH FRENCH PEOPLE. All of my best friends are French and there’s nothing to say that you reading this right now are not also happening to be a French. Having said that, it would be just a bit weird, wouldn’t it, you know to dress up as a French for the hallows? Just a bit strange. Like, what? And that makes it the perfect costume.

6. Nebraska’s Fourth Congressional District

This one’s a topical one! We’re coming up to the election period night, so how better a way to remind everyone of their need to get out and vote please than by a human version of Nebraska’s 4th congressional district? Yes, this district became obsolete in 1963 but that’s exactly why no one else will have thought of this congressional district for a Halloween costume.

5. Elvis

He’s dead, move on Terry. No, you can’t have ‘ghost of dead Elvis’ either. Wait, I’ve lost track of whether I’m recommending these costumes or just dunking on Terry. But seriously though he doesn’t listen to anything else. And he goes as Elvis every year. Stop.

4. A Slutty Avacado

Oooh, so sexxxy! There’s nothing sluttier than a juicy, fruity avocado! Avocados are the sluttiest of vegetables/fruits! Round and plump! Purple, green, red, orange, brown they’re all delicious! Smooth and buttery! Hard inedible secret inside bit! Yes! Just don’t forget your knife!

3. A Pun

Here’s the pitch, you’re a box of Cheerios buuuuuut you’ve got a knife! No! You’re a CEREAL killer of course! Great, it’s perfect and original. Guaranteed to have everyone exhaling out of their noses slightly in laughter! Just don’t forget your knife!

2. Your Mother

Your mother is a saint. She was always there for you from grave to cradle and tonight is your chance to pay her the respect she’s owed. Sneak into her house. Remove choice items of clothing and makeup from her wardrobe. Buy a cheap wig with a vaguely similar hair tone and boom: the perfect Halloween costume/general casual dress. Just don’t forget your knife!

1. Yourself

In the mirror stares back cold, haunted eyes that seem unfamiliar. Maybe they were once yours but there’s no laughter there. Surely this isn’t you? New clothes feel like deception but old clothes reek of faded nostalgia. It’s not just the fabrics: the food you eat, the work you do, the media you watch, none of it ever felt like a choice you made. Everything is a costume. It frightens you. But far more frightening is the unshakeable feeling that if you ever take the costume off, there will be nothing underneath.

So that’s our list! Comment below with what you’re wearing for Halloween!

PHILADELPHIA, PA — A local McDonald’s is facing complaints after drive-thru traffic ground to a halt this weekend. The delay was reportedly caused by an untrained new hire who slowed service by talking at length to customers.

Franchise owner, Nads Mescling explained that, “He seemed like a nice enough guy, liked to talk a lot. I don’t want to blame his age but his performance just isn’t up to the standard we expect from Feasterville McDonald’s. We might think twice about hiring convicted felons in the future.”

The line of cars stretched for miles as hungry drivers waited to be fed in an unusually high turnout for the local fast-food chain. The main cause of the delay appeared to be the employee trying to upsell his own crypto tokens, hats, and bibles. At one point service ceased entirely when the employee opted to play music and stand and sway for 40 minutes instead of working.

Thankfully there were only two heat-stroke fatalities.

The employee responsible for the delays has not been identified but McDonald’s has assured customers that he was let go less than an hour into his shift.

“At first I thought he might be overqualified,” commented ‘customer experience leader’ Brasing Edemma, “I mean who turns up to work at McDonald’s in a suit? He even wore a matching red tie, like, that’s crazy.”

“But turns out he’d only ever worked in, like, a bank or selling watches or something? So he had to be shown everything. Yeah, you have to salt the fries, no, you don’t get to eat the fries. And he kept calling them freedom fries but they were just regular fries.”

Witnesses say that the employee only wanted the job to prove he could do better than an obscure, unnamed student employee who worked at the restaurant in the 1980s. Evidence of who that student was or whether they even worked at McDonald’s has yet to come to light making this the first time anyone has argued for McDonald’s to be kept on their CV.

What should have been a minor local news piece has exploded into a hotly debated issue. Weirdly, political pundits have weighed in with their opinion on this distinctly apolitical event. Democrats claim the whole scenario was ‘desperate’ and ‘embarrassing’ whereas Republicans claim this random employee’s actions were ‘emboldening’ and ‘relatable’. And, like …OK?

While many photographers were on the scene to photograph the event for some reason, publications opted to use AI-generated images instead because no one could really tell the difference.

This week NASA launched its Clipper mission to find life on the distant planet of ‘Earth’, specifically within the residence of one ‘Joe Biden’.

The long-awaited mission was initially delayed by Hurricane Milton and when NASA lost Biden in a supermarket. Now the SpaceX Falcon Heavy has launched directly upward and, after a quick flyby of Europa, will come straight back down to study the White House.

NASA hopes to detect signs of life within the current President, where scientists have long known about the presence of liquid water. However, researchers remain cautious about finding organic compounds or even consciousness. Life signs are rare in the cold, dead vacuum of Washington D.C.

Critics of the mission point out that if Biden happens to stay very, very still when the instruments scan the White House, NASA might not be able to pick up a life signature.

“This is the first mission we’ve ever sent to study a living president,” said NASA head-nerd, Boden Gobsunt. “We sent the Apollo missions in the 60s to study the crater in JFK’s head but we didn’t find any life then.”

Gobsunt neglected to mention the failed ‘Dodo’ missions sent to study the Trump presidency as the spacecraft was immediately shot out of orbit by Trump’s Space Force.

“Whatever we find or don’t find will fundamentally change our understanding of the presidency,” Gobsunt continued. “If we find life it will be a great relief to the American people and if we don’t find life it will also be a great relief to the other half of the American people.”

Mr. Biden is unaware of the mission, but then again, he’s unaware of a lot of things. When asked whether this mission was in good taste, the NASA spokesperson declined to comment.

Here’s the deal: he’s old. That’s the joke. It’s funny to make fun of old people. I don’t know what else you want me to say. It’s called ‘punching down’ and it’s always funny AND tasteful. He’s a little slower than he was, maybe a little less intelligible. That’s what happens to old people and it’s funny to look at him and say, “Haha, he’s a little slower than people who are younger than him”. Laughing at bad things means we don’t have to feel sad instead. Laughing means the bad things will never, ever happen to us. It’s called, ‘humor’, look it up. I’ll fight you.

OAKS, PA – Donald Trump has revealed plans to open a disco in the ‘swing’ state of Pennsylvania riding the success of his DJ set at a recent rally in which two people fainted.

Half an hour into the former president’s town hall, an attendee fainted due to the high temperatures inside the expo center. When the event’s moderator suggested the attendees sit down to avoid further incidents, Trump encouraged everyone to stand up and dance.

“Let’s not do any more questions,” said Trump. “Let’s just listen to music. Let’s make it into a music fest.” He then insisted on playing guaranteed floor-fillers, nothing but wall-to-wall bangers, real toe-tappers such as ‘Ave Maria’, ‘Hallelujah’, ‘Nothing Compares 2 U’, and ‘Time To Say Goodbye’. Invigorated by these sick beats the crowd gently swayed back and forth, mumbling the half-remembered lyrics while Trump stood silently on stage for 39 minutes watching everyone slowly leave.

It was this electric energy that has inspired Trump to enter the music biz. Trump envisions a building in which it’s always a music fest. A ‘club’, if you will, that opens at ‘night’, a ‘nightclub’, for disco dancing, a ‘disco’, if you will. A place where people can dance and sing along to their favorite upbeat hits such as Jonny Cash’s ‘Hurt’, ‘The Lord’s Prayer’ and ‘Royalty Free Funeral March Number 4’.

The purpose-built nightclub, dubbed, ‘Truth Social Club’ is due to break ground next week so voters can break down before the election. Attractions will include indoor crazy golf, voting booths, and a bar serving water and orange juice to keep the atmosphere going. Paramedics will of course be on hand should any other medical emergencies occur.

Trump has already guaranteed a personal appearance to show off moves such as the ‘fist pump’ and the ‘Trump weave’ and suggested he might be able to persuade JD to DJ.

Fourteen notable music artists have already come out to object to the project, preparing pre-emptive cease and desist letters should Club Trump-icano play any of their songs. In the case of any successful lawsuit, the disco may be forced to revert to playing non-stop Kid Rock.

Trump has suggested that potential licensing issues could be worked around by using exclusively parody soundalikes such as, ‘I’m Still Standing (Despite Two Assassination Attempts)’, ‘Water-Felon Sugar’, ‘Smooth-ish Criminal’ and ‘Trump Up The Jam’.

Should Trump lose the presidential race he has hinted he might dedicate himself to managing the club full time. In the case he does win the presidency, however, Trump has stated that he will dedicate himself to managing the club full-time.

At a Trump rally this weekend, Elon Musk deployed his new anti-assassination technique: jumping up and down really fast.

Former president, Donald Trump returned to Butler, Pennsylvania twelve weeks after the failed assassination attempt on his life. During his speech, Trump invited Elon Musk onto the stage to speak. The billionaire proceeded to jump up and down in what initially appeared to be an impromptu performance of ‘the YMCA’ but was actually a defensive technique against a potential assassination attempt.

“He’s been practicing for months,” explained former Olympic high jumper and Musk’s personal trainer, Robyn Bobbin, “When Elon heard the rally was coming up, he said he wanted to be able to dodge bullets and I told him, when you’re ready, you won’t have to.”

“It’s the same technique I use at the Olympics or at the dentist and to this day I’ve not been shot more than twice,” Ms. Bobbin continued. “The principle is very simple, by jumping up and down you create a moving target, that’s number one. Number two is you’re confusing the shooter because they’re looking at you going, ‘what the hell are they doing?’ and you can’t fire a gun when you’re confused.”

By all accounts, the technique was successful with no incidents at the event. As amateur historian, Derbert Monfreese, explained, “Had Abraham Lincoln jumped up and down, maybe he’d still be with us today.”

After tuckering himself out from jumping, Musk proceeded with his speech. “Hi everyone. As you can see, I’m not just MAGA, I’m ‘dark MAGA’,” Musk said, referencing both his black ‘Make America Great Again’ hat and the ‘dark MAGA’ meme. You see, whereas MAGA hats are normally red, Musk’s hat was black, or ‘dark’, like the meme. Ordinarily, if you have to explain the joke, it’s not funny, however, this is not true with the elevated humor of Elon Musk.

Unable to ‘block’ the ‘X’ owner ‘IRL’, rallygoers and Trump listened to Musk’s expression of free speech as he proceeded to recount the gruesome details of the failed Trump assassination (exciting) before lecturing about the importance of registering to vote (boring). Once concluded, Musk bunny-hopped off stage.

Reportedly the United States military has contacted Musk about the possibility of deploying his patented ‘jumping’ technique in the field. However, it remains to be seen whether Trump himself will apply Musk’s move at future public appearances or just stick to his signature ‘fist dance’ to bamboozle any potential assassins.

With this month’s addition of a second ‘mini-moon’, Earth’s original moon, the Moon, has opened up about feeling “unwanted and replaced” in an exclusive interview.

“It just feels like the moment you reach 4.53 billion years, no one wants to hear from you,” the Moon admitted this weekend. “Why else would this mini-moon be suddenly getting all the headlines? I do think it’s ageism, I do. Mini-moon? More like mini-slut.”

The Moon is referring to 2024 PT5, the asteroid that recently entered Earth’s orbit where it will remain until the end of November. The mini-moon is not visible to the naked eye as it is only 10 meters across, but it is there, we promise.

“‘Petite’, they call it,” continued the Moon between cocktail sips. “I was never called ‘petite’. I have a diameter of 2,000 miles for god’s sake! And you know what? I’m proud to be big-boned. I’d like to see that PT5 bitch influence the tides with its itty-bitty waist.”

“How can you even call that a moon? I’ve seen more meat on a Saturn V rocket. You’re telling me Pluto is too small to be planet but this pocket-sized hussy gets to be called a moon? I’m the moon. I’M THE MOON.”

This development comes amid growing tensions between the Moon and the Earth. The astronomical bodies continue to drift apart at a rate of about 1.5 inches a year.

Last week the Moon Tweeted (‘X’d’, whatever), “YOU DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY!!! I’m not made of cheese, I’m not a golf course, I’m not someone’s bare ass. I have feelings but half the time it feels like you don’t even know I exist. I’M DONE. I’M GONE.” However, at the time of posting, it was unclear if the Moon actually went anywhere since it was the middle of the day.

In related news, astrologers are said to be “shitting bricks” over the new moon. “New-new moon-moon rising? Is that what we’re calling it?” Carter Bungleslim, Head of Astrology at NASA said in leaked emails. “This is going to f*** up lunar birth signs for everyone. I’m calling it, any kids born right now are going to be retarded.”

When reached for comment, 2024 PT5 did not reply. Because it’s a rock. And rocks don’t speak. Obviously.

Disgraced rapper, P. Diddy and Sam Bankman-Fried, the founder of collapsed crypto exchange, FTX, were reportedly seen playing the children’s card game, UNO in their shared jail cell last night.

In what feels like the world’s worst crossover episode, yesterday former music mogul Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs was moved into the same dormitory cell as crypto mogul Sam ‘Bankman’-Fried.

According to reports, Diddy immediately approached SBF aiming to complete his lifetime goal of having a connection to every celebrity on the planet.

At first, it seemed they had little to discuss but the two quickly found common ground in their experience with ‘liquidation’. SBF is known for crashing the crypto market whereas SDC is known for crashing the baby oil market.

After sharing investment advice and bonding over their shared expertise in ‘screwing people’, the de-crowned crypto king then invited Diddy for a friendly game of ‘UNO Show ‘Em No Mercy’. “I’m an ‘Uno Bro’ now,” explained SBF.

Diddy and SBF were joined in the game by fellow cellmates, Garcia Luna (Mexico’s former secretary of public security) and Juan Orlando Hernández (the former president of Honduras).

Using a deck left behind by former inmate, R. Kelly, SBF’s new BFF, PD, began strong, playing a ‘plus four’ followed by an ‘UNO reverse’. By the midgame, however, Luna and Hernández had cashed out and SBF was closing in on ‘uno’.

Diddy swung the game to red, blocked SBF, and played a six-card combo. It looked like it was all over but in the last moments, SBF slammed down a ‘plus 16’ and discarded his last card for the win.

Upon inspection of the card, however, it was clear the ‘plus 16’ was written on in Sharpie. Mr. Combs immediately accused SBF of fraud, embezzlement, and racketeering. In retaliation, SBF accused Puff Daddy of manipulation, racketeering, and sex trafficking. After a tense moment in which it looked like they might either fight or kiss, Diddy broke the tension with a laugh and congratulated SBF’s “most devious deception”.

After the game, Diddy suggested they all join forces and form a supervillain team called, ‘the Freaky Four’ and “take on Spiderman or Batman or whoever got us locked up in the first place” but the other players declined.

In unrelated news, memecoin $DIDDYSBF is up 1.65%.

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