John Combs | Wall Street Memes

GAZA, MOZAMBIQUE – A local man (local if you live in Gaza, Mozambique) has expressed his regret after spending $50 million of US government aid entirely on contraceptives for himself.

Eduardo Guardo, who requested he remain anonymous, explained, “What can I say? I thought I’d get lucky. Yeah, using $50 million worth of condoms would require constant sex until the heat death of the universe, but I’m a hopeful man. No, I still haven’t had sex yet but fingers crossed!”

Mr. Guardo, who remains a virgin, recently read a book on ‘pickup’ techniques to increase his chance of romance. After becoming confident in his abilities, Mr. Guardo estimated he would need at least $50 million worth of condoms. This was not the case however and Mr. Guardo in fact required $0 million worth of condoms.

“So now I’ve got this massive warehouse filled with rubbers and idk what to do with them. I thought maybe I could get into balloon animals or something.”

Mr. Guardo’s purchase became a point of controversy recently after Elon Musk claimed this was an example of government overspending. Musk however misunderstood and thought the condoms went to the Gaza Strip (which would be a problem) and not Gaza, Mozambique (which is fine, actually).

It still remains unclear if the cited overspending did indeed happen but the condoms have reportedly somehow ended up in the hands of Hamas.

“I needed a buyer, ok?” confirmed Mr. Guardo. “If they’re going to do it and I can’t stop them then I’d rather they were doing it safely, you know? You have fun, kids.”

Leaked information speculates Hamas will now sell the condoms back to the US and use the money to buy weapons. And the circle of life continues…

The President’s personal physician, Dr. Cabzo Eirangily has warned Donald Trump that, should he continue working at his current pace, he could die in a matter of minutes.

“As President Trump’s second most trusted medical source after RFK Jr., I am seriously encouraging him to take a break,” Dr. Eirangily explained. “We’re not even a month into his second presidency and so far he has… Hold on, I’ll speak in bullet points so it’s easier to follow:”

“And what, he’s expected to do this for four years? No whey hose A. I’m worried one more trade war and he might die of ‘too much president’. Just look at what happen to J’Biden.”

“I would also,” the doctor then turned directly to me and looked me dead in the eyes, “I would also like it if you would stop encouraging him.”

“You’re always writing about him, reporting on every little major thing he does and it just motivates him to do more. If you really care about this man’s health as I sure do then you’ll stop writing stories on him, OK? Deal?”

Deal.

[NOTE: This entire article has now been redacted. DO NOT READ.]

As one of his many first acts as the new king of the free world, Donald Jordana Trump has written an executive order rolling back diversity, equity and inclusion (DEI) schemes that he calls “dangerous, demeaning and immoral” and if only he’d found an ‘E’ word instead of ‘demeaning’ he could have done something clever there.

A government memo written in large Sharpie letters has told federal agencies to put all diversity staff on immediate paid leave.

“Yeah, it’s a win-win for me,” commented self-proclaimed diversity hire, Eric Trump. “I don’t have to work and I still get paid? Hell yeah, what’s not to like?”

The memo gives instructions to put staff on leave, report back with how they’ve done that, submit a plan for further staff reductions, AND report any effort to disguise DEI programs with “coded or imprecise language” whatever that means, could they be more precise?

In the kerfuffle, Elon Musk has reportedly also been put on leave. Internal documents from the Office of Personal Management (OPM) suggest that Musk might have been a DEI hire all along having ticked the boxes on his application for ‘African’, ‘probably on the spectrum’ and ‘just generally unemployable’.

So to explain for the people in the back row: the idea is that DEI is supposed to compensate for those traditionally discriminated against by gender, ethnicity, sexuality, religion, disability and trivia knowledge. Opinions on DEI predictably divide along political lines with the liberal left LAMEstream media saying it’s a necessary policy to help rectify hundreds of years of injustice and unconscious biases. The conservative right COOLstream media say that it’s fundamentally unAmerican and unDemocratic and unMeritocratic and unConstitutional, people should be hired on ability, not anything else and to do so is in fact the prejudiced option.

The truth is both opinions are correct but who is right? Does DEI actually address inequality or does it just get abused? Can people hire fairly PURELY based on merit without any other biases getting in the way? The problem is not a disagreement with whether DEI works or is fair, the problem is that both sides aren’t in agreement with the initial premise that there even is any inequality. The left says there are still deeply entrenched disparities whilst some on the right say no, racism ended with Obama (or something, idk). Keep going right and the extreme opinion is that there is inequality and that’s a good thing, the wHites should be out on top, but now we’re into plain old-fashioned racism.

The difficulty is that all these arguments and opinions are all swirled up in each other making it hard to separate good-faith arguments from your classic bigotry. And that confusion isn’t helped by the left seeing that swirly mess and crying ‘racist’ because it’s the most hyperbolic retort like what I just did a paragraph ago.

Maybe that’s too forgiving to Trump. It’s hard to look at a mass firing of theoretically underrepresented people and not think it’s mean-spirited. Without an agreement on the initial problem and without an agreement on whether the solution works, it feels more like political flexing than an actual step to making things better.

What do you think? Email in or comment below with your favorite death threat.

Although he literally just stepped down as Canadian Prime Minister, controversial politician Justin Trudeau has announced that he will run for the Office of the President of the United States of America in 2029.

“I’ve had a lot of time to think recently,” explained the 53-year-old has-been. “And I thought my political life was over. But then I thought, where’s the one place where it doesn’t matter where you’ve come from? The one place where being a controversial politician is actually useful? The one place where being 53 is actually really really young? That’s right. The White House.”

Although Trudeau will be ineligible to run for president as, amongst other things, he isn’t American, this doesn’t mean he can’t campaign, it would just be a bit weird. But hey, if he wants to waste his money, fine by me.

“I AM THE ONLY MAN WHO CAN BEAT DONALD TRUMP,” added Trudeau even though I could have sworn he’d left. “He’s not a man he’s a monster! The only person to bring him in line will be me! ME!”

It remains unclear if Trump will even run in 2029 however as the Constitution forbids a third term but what does it know anyway? It’s just a bit of paper. And scissors beats paper.

Trudeau’s reign has been rife with controversy from corruption scandals to blackface scandals which are the worst two scandals. Since his resignation, the Canadian Liberal party has yet to announce a successor but insiders suggest they might just not bother this time.

“Do we really need a Prime Minister?” asks Kota Braly, my neighbor who happens to be Canadian and opinionated. “America doesn’t have a Prime Minister and they’re doing alright. Maybe a secondary minister, I’d settle for that, but a Prime one? Idk [sic] if that’s necessary.”

“Woah, slow down there,” oh my god, it’s Constitutional Jim, the only superhero with the same powers as a political constitution! “That’s right kids and I’m here to tell you that a political system that elects a single figurehead to power, whilst opening up an avenue for tyranny, actually can have the inverse effect of increased accountability. After all, if you can’t put a face to a political name so to speak then how would you know who to blame?”

Wow, thanks Constitutional Jim, you really cleared up that political dilemma for me. I guess my neighbor Kota is an idiot and a Canadian.

“She sure is, kid.”

Well, we sure could have done with your help when we were actually talking about constitutions rather than this later bit which isn’t as relevant.

“… Uhuh. Constitutional Jim, away!”

Alright, thanks for watching, don’t forget to like and subscribe.

Acclaimed actor, Jack Nicholson has announced he has been forced to reenter his retirement having only just said he would return to acting to play politician Mark Gaetz.

Just two weeks ago, up-and-coming President Donald Trump named Gaetz his controversial pick for attorney general. Nicholson, who has secretly played Gaetz for years announced that he would end his retirement to take on the more public role.

In a surprise turn of events, however, Gaetz was recently dropped as Trump’s pick, and having already quit his job as Congressman, he has now turned to the celebrity video platform, Cameo, for work.

Gaetz/Nicholson is charging $500 for his Cameos in which users can pay for a personalized video message such as, ‘Happy birthday’, ‘Good luck on your veterinary exam’ or ‘I admit to paying multiple sex workers for sex acts’, whatever you feel like.

According to Jack Nicholson’s PR manager, Forston Bowls, this came as a relief to the aging actor.

“Gaetz would only pop up every now and then for a spicy congressional hearing or a sex-crime investigation so it wasn’t that much of a commitment for Jack,” Bowls previously explained. Following up on the new development he added, “Jack was pissed about having to act full-time as attorney general. I mean, he hates the character he created, feels gross just pretending to be this guy. But now it’s just doing Cameos, yeah, that’s a much easier workload for Jack. Now it can go back to being the side hobby it was always supposed to be.”

Nicholson’s performance as the congressman has earned near-universal acclaim, winning a Lifetime Achievement Oscar and a Kid’s Choice award for “Favorite Pretend Politician” narrowly beating out Meryl Streep as Nancy Pelosi.

“He began the project in the first place because I think he enjoyed the challenge,” continued Bowls. “Becoming completely immersed in a character is any actor’s dream. For this role, he only needed minimal prosthetics which was ideal. I’m still amazed so many people believe he’s a real person and not just a performance.”

Many still dispute the claim that Gaetz is Jack Nicholson with multiple ‘friends’ and ‘family members’ coming out to say, “No he just looks like that.” …but they’re probably actors too.

Acclaimed actor, Jack Nicholson has announced he has been forced to end his retirement prematurely following Donald Trump’s selection of Mark Gaetz for attorney general.

Nicholson has been playing the part of Gaetz for years but only ever saw the role as a side hobby according to Nicholson’s PR manager, Forston Bowls.

“Gaetz would only pop up every now and then for a spicy congressional hearing or a sex-crime investigation so it wasn’t that much of a commitment for Jack,” explains Bowls. “But now that this character will be attorney general, Jack’s pissed, he’s going to have to go back to acting full time.”

“I think he enjoyed the challenge,” continued Bowls. “Becoming completely immersed in a character is any actor’s dream. For this role, he only needed minimal prosthetics which was ideal. I’m still amazed so many people believe he’s a real person and not just a performance.”

Ok, so maybe Gaetz just has an odd face and well, then we shouldn’t make fun of people for how they look, they can’t control it. Unless they can… Unless Gaetz’s crazy eyebrows aren’t the result of genetics or method actor Jack Nicholson in disguise but are because of some botched botox. And if Gaetz himself has repeatedly made fun of other people for their appearance then maybe… maybe he’s fair game?

No, it’s still not ok to make fun of people for their appearance, instead we should make fun of other things like the sex trafficking allegations which Gaetz has handly avoided by resigning from Congress to head up the organization that is investigating him. A move that is now known as ‘the Trump’.

Jack Nicholson has denied all allegations.

Across the globe, millions of men cried out in pain and then immediately committed seppuku, knowing that they had lost out on the chance to be dubbed the sexiest man alive. Instead, PEOPLE Magazine’s award for the man who is objectively the sexiest goes to John ‘Jim from the Office’ Krasinski.

“Yeah, not going to lie, I’m pretty disappointed,” said 43-year-old bachelor and retired dog-euthanasiologist, Barton Meegles, from Michigan. “I know I’m not anyone famous or anything, but I think I’m pretty sexy.” Meegles then demonstrated by flexing a negligible bicep. “How can they tell he’s actually the sexiest though when they didn’t even take a look at me? This really sets my game back another five years.”

PEOPLE Magazine did, however, conduct extensive research on men up and down my wife’s ‘free pass’ list. Tests included a grueling five-mile obstacle course, a tax audit, a date with PEOPLE Magazine editor Wendy Naugle, and a blood test to discern the nominee’s midi-chlorian count.

Once the data was in, years of discussion and analysis by some of the world’s top scientists, mathematicians, and beauticians determined that indeed Krasinski is mathematically the man most filled with sex, narrowly beating notorious sex addict and convicted pervert, Slippery Steve.

Having successfully murdered the previous winner, Chris Evans, in a battle to the death, Krasinski now wears the crown for a year until his inevitable defeat by next year’s sexiest man.

The results of the most important election this year were announced during The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, accompanied by an instructional video skit explaining how you too can be sexy that is genuinely hilarious… what? Game recognize game.

PEOPLE’s Sexiest Man Dead award will be announced later in the year, with Elvis Presley, Genghis Khan, and Joe Biden pegged for the top spots.

Emily Blunt could not be reached for comment.

Dear Dairy,

Hey, it’s me again, you’re buddy Joseph Robinette Biden. Well, Dairy, things have come around pretty fast for old Joe, let me tell you. So, here’s the deal, I’m now officially the president un-elect and pretty soon I won’t even be that anymore!

In a couple months Don-Don (worst frienemy ever) is going to take my job and so I’m not sure what I can do until then. Am I even allowed to make laws? Am I just supposed to keep the seat warm until he gets here?

I’ve been real stuck looking for things to do, Dairy. I went outside to play for a bit but that got boring real quick. I already tidied my room like Jill (biden) told me to. She said I don’t want to leave it messy for the next guy but what if I don’t even like the next guy!!!!!

Although, maybe it would be fun to play a few pranks… hmm… Maybe I could hide the nuclear codes or stack the Supreme Court or… Ok, how about this, I slip a little whoopie cushion under a chair here, a mattress there. Dumb Don won’t even know until… Trump! Haha. Now, that’s comedy.

Kamala’s not being any fun anymore either. If I was ever bored she’d come over and have a laugh but I don’t think she’s left her room since she lost the big competition that I wasn’t allowed to even enter because I’m too old which I don’t think is fair because I’m only a little bit too older than Don-Don. Sigh. Mega-big HUGE sigh.

What to do, Dairy, what to do… I could play on my new DS. Well, it’s an old DS I got it in a flea market but it still works and it’s really good and it came with Animal Crossing: Wild World already in it. I’ve almost saved up enough bells to get the tartan rug from Tom Nook.

Oh! That reminds me, I need to ask what furniture Don’s going to keep and what I can take with me. I think last time Melania threw it all out so I’m going to ask if I can keep the curtains because I think they’ll look really cute in my new… wait, where am I even going to live? Oh.

Oh, Dairy there’s just so much to think about but nothing to do! January 20th can’t come any sooner. Anyways, bye-bye for now!

Love, Joe (biden)

Like an imminent rabid raccoon ambush, election day is nearly upon us. In these final moments, Donald Trump is busy securing crucial résumé experience should November 5th not go his way.

Trump already established himself as a “highly motivated individual” when he successfully caused an E. coli outbreak during one McDonald’s shift. But now he seeks to demonstrate that he is “highly flexible and a quick learner” by taking up the role of garbage man.

Don-ing a safety vest (orange, mais bien sûr) over his shirt and tie, Trump elegantly hopped aboard a refuse truck and posed for a photographic opportunity. The former president hopes that this will be evidence enough of his work experience and fill up any outstanding gaps in his employment history. Should any employer need further evidence of being a garbage man, Trump thankfully can cite multiple sexual assault allegations.

Speaking about his work experience at the following rally, Trump said he said, “How the hell do you get into this truck, it’s way up high, it’s a big one. This was a beauty! I said you didn’t have to buy it that big, right? You have to get it that big?”

Next on the campaign trail, Trump hopes to speed-run multiple occupations by visiting his local KidsZania with his dressing-up box. Trump is set for future rally appearances as several varied occupations including: optometrist, cosmetic surgeon, swamp drainer, gumball machine repairman, lexicographer, crossing guard, court jester, Republican Presidential nominee, Faberge egg manufacturer, hot dog specialist, race car driver, Wall Mart greeter, disco dancer, project analyst, air hostess, Bible salesman and horse.

Meanwhile, Kamala Harris has done NOTHING to demonstrate that she is a common man and unlike Trump has no backup option should she lose the race. It remains unclear whether she will be able to retain her job as Vice President in Trump’s White House.

Here’s hoping she can gain some much-needed extra credits before this coming Tuesday when the runaway freight train of flaming manure that is this election collides with the soft and squishy brains of the American electorate.

‘Tis the season to be dressed up! ‘Tis. All halloooooween’s eve is almost upon us and that means children and opportunistic adults alike should all be preparing their tricking and/or treating attire. But if you haven’t been thinking much about getting out and having fun then we’ve got you covered… in a Halloween costume that is!

10. The Joker

An oldie but a goldie. What better way to memorialize the tragic death of a beloved actor from over a decade ago than by slapping on some face paint and calling it a day? Thankfully there’s a new iteration of this iconic character every year so this low-effort costume never goes out of style.

It’s quick and simple and gives you the opportunity to dig out that mediocre impression that you can do. The presence of this creepy murderer will be sure to make you the life of the party, just don’t forget your knife!

9. Guy Who Couldn’t Think Of A Costume In Time

A variation of the classic ‘guy who doesn’t like halloween’, guy who couldn’t think of a costume in time lets you wear whatever you like so long as it looks like regular clothes. The more unwashed with a little stain the better. The aim is to be ironic and cool and as detached from the festivities as possible!

8. A Jar Of Lard

Here are two things that lard and you have in common: no one likes you. We’re talking gross, we’re talking slimy, we’re talking just completely pointless and lard is all these things as well. Dressing up as a big fat jar of lard is just an all-time perfect fit for someone like you. Do it, loser.

7. A French Person

Now, before we get sued again I just want to clarify: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH FRENCH PEOPLE. All of my best friends are French and there’s nothing to say that you reading this right now are not also happening to be a French. Having said that, it would be just a bit weird, wouldn’t it, you know to dress up as a French for the hallows? Just a bit strange. Like, what? And that makes it the perfect costume.

6. Nebraska’s Fourth Congressional District

This one’s a topical one! We’re coming up to the election period night, so how better a way to remind everyone of their need to get out and vote please than by a human version of Nebraska’s 4th congressional district? Yes, this district became obsolete in 1963 but that’s exactly why no one else will have thought of this congressional district for a Halloween costume.

5. Elvis

He’s dead, move on Terry. No, you can’t have ‘ghost of dead Elvis’ either. Wait, I’ve lost track of whether I’m recommending these costumes or just dunking on Terry. But seriously though he doesn’t listen to anything else. And he goes as Elvis every year. Stop.

4. A Slutty Avacado

Oooh, so sexxxy! There’s nothing sluttier than a juicy, fruity avocado! Avocados are the sluttiest of vegetables/fruits! Round and plump! Purple, green, red, orange, brown they’re all delicious! Smooth and buttery! Hard inedible secret inside bit! Yes! Just don’t forget your knife!

3. A Pun

Here’s the pitch, you’re a box of Cheerios buuuuuut you’ve got a knife! No! You’re a CEREAL killer of course! Great, it’s perfect and original. Guaranteed to have everyone exhaling out of their noses slightly in laughter! Just don’t forget your knife!

2. Your Mother

Your mother is a saint. She was always there for you from grave to cradle and tonight is your chance to pay her the respect she’s owed. Sneak into her house. Remove choice items of clothing and makeup from her wardrobe. Buy a cheap wig with a vaguely similar hair tone and boom: the perfect Halloween costume/general casual dress. Just don’t forget your knife!

1. Yourself

In the mirror stares back cold, haunted eyes that seem unfamiliar. Maybe they were once yours but there’s no laughter there. Surely this isn’t you? New clothes feel like deception but old clothes reek of faded nostalgia. It’s not just the fabrics: the food you eat, the work you do, the media you watch, none of it ever felt like a choice you made. Everything is a costume. It frightens you. But far more frightening is the unshakeable feeling that if you ever take the costume off, there will be nothing underneath.

So that’s our list! Comment below with what you’re wearing for Halloween!

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