John Combs | Wall Street Memes

KITTANNING, PA – A mother of three has been arrested after paying for her groceries with an illegal campaign donation from presidential nominee Donald Trump.

The woman was shopping for her three sons when Trump, who was also shopping for his three boys, stepped in to offer a government subsidy for her groceries.

“Here, it’s going to go down a little bit,” said Trump jovially as he splashed the cash. “It’s just gone down a hundred bucks!” Trump added, referring to his own bank account.

Moments after the former president had left the store, the mom was tackled to the ground by a passing IRS operative.

The operative demanded she pay the relevant taxes on her sudden windfall but the mother explained that since she had already spent the money on groceries the best she could offer was a couple of bananas.

The tax collector was then tackled by a passing FEC operative who explained that the Federal Election Commission had jurisdiction over the IRS in this situation. After a brief altercation, the matter was settled and it was decided the mother would receive the full force of the law for accepting a political bribe.

Three dozen eggs, two loaves of bread and various other groceries were seized as evidence and will likely be presented at the trial next Thursday. The accused party also had her accounts frozen to avoid any further political manipulation.

Trump was visiting Kittaninnining, Pennsylvania on his way from a town hall in Smithton where he started a fight with a deer. Wait, no, ‘Deere’, sorry, he wants to raise taxes on John Deere if they move manufacturing to Mexico. He’s not fighting any animals.

Before heading over to a rally in Indiana (not the state) Trump passed a sign for the local neighborhood grocery store, ‘Sprankles’ and started chanting, ‘Sprankles! Sprankles! Sprankles!’ until the driver pulled over to buy some popcorn.

After spending $100 on a bag of popcorn and one vote, Trump is not the only Republican overpaying for groceries this week as JD Vance recently spent $4 on $2 eggs.

The Democrats also made a pitstop on the campaign trail, stopping at a Pennsylvania gas station, ‘Sheetz’ last month. In an effort to appeal to working-class voters, Gov. Tim Walz distracted the clerk as VP Kamala Harris shoplifted six family-sized bags of Doritos.

Californian citizens were shocked today after a 14-fingered Gavin Newsom announced a U-turn on his deepfake regulation.

After speaking at a press conference to defend the recent laws, Governor Newsom left the stage but returned immediately via a video call to monotonously say, “Hi guys. It is me. ChatGPT. No, just kidding it is Gavin Newsom. Parody.”

The Californian governor had just moments before expressed worry about the spread of political misinformation in the run-up to November’s election, now appeared completely unphased by the issue, sporting a many-toothed grin as he blurred in and out of a tree.

“Please ignore everything I said before about AI. I am actually very pro deepfakes very much. They make me happy. I hereby reverse my AI disinformation ban effective immediately. No follow-up questions. Thank you. Parody. Goodbye.”

Newsom then slurped down an entire plate of spaghetti before flying away on a jetpack.

Lawmakers immediately scrambled to scribble out Newsom’s previous laws before Newsom could change his mind again. It remains unclear how long before the law takes un-effect. With this article for example… can I post it now or… or should I wait…?

The reversal comes after a lawsuit against Newsom’s original ruling was filed by the Ronald Reagan who had created a fake campaign ad of Kamala Harris in which she admitted that she was running for president. Citing freedom of speech and parody laws, Reagan claims Newsom is curtailing freedom of speech and parody.

Newsom had previously banned Pixar’s Ratatouille for disseminating false information about rats being able to cook. “Rats can’t cook. Clearly,” Newsom said in a statement. Whether 647 confiscated DVDs of Pixar’s Ratatouille will be incinerated as planned is still in question.

“I’m just annoyed I got 4,725 years bad luck for nothing,” said Gustav Espinosa one of the workers tasked with destroying carnival mirrors for creating fake images.

ChatGPT declined to comment on the issue.

Sparked by a recent hoax claiming Haitian migrants in Ohio are capturing and eating household pets and local wildlife, Presidential nominee Donald Trump’s photoshoot with a goose and a kitten this morning ended in bloodshed.

Beginning as an unsubstantiated rumor on X, campaigners were quick to frame Trump as the candidate to protect animals from their natural enemy: foreigners. This spawned a trend in which users generated AI images of Trump hugging ducks, a meme the former president appeared to endorse when he changed his X handle to ‘Donald Duck’.

Seeking to recreate the meme IRL, Trump staged a photo shoot this morning in which he cradled a kitten and an initially docile goose. However, when the former president lent in for a kiss, the goose proceeded to hiss and attack the Republican party’s nominated candidate for the position of President of the United States of America.

Experts analyzing the incident now claim that had Trump not turned his head at the last moment, he might be dead. Instead, the goose only managed a little nibble at the businessman-turned-president, removing most of his left ear.

The ex-president/ex-businessman jumped away from the bird and only narrowly escaped with what little of his lobe was left. Using his quick wit and ingenuity, Trump threw the kitten as a distraction for the bloodthirsty goose to feast upon. The Secret Service sprang into action and after a mere 20 minutes, snipers had shot and killed the goose until it was dead and not breathing, protecting the presidential hopeful from losing another appendage.

SURPRISE BIRD FACT: geese are technically also birds.

Goose handlers were on hand to handle anything getting out of hand however they held up their hands and said, “It was out of our hands,” when approached for comment. Donald J. Trump Sr. laughed off the incident, spluttering through a mouthful of blood, “Wow, this bird is seriously dangerous but beautiful. I’ll never eat another goose so long as I live.”

This marks the third time Trump has been publicly attacked by a bird following a bald eagle in 2015 and Nancy Pelosi in 2024.

Trump has since changed his X user handle back to ‘Donald Jeff Trump’.

Former President Donald Trump won a landslide victory over his debate partner, “the mania-induced hallucination of Joe Biden” in their first televised debate.

Although Trump was scheduled to spar against the current Vice President, Kamala Harris, Trump insisted throughout the night that he was in fact witnessing the hazy apparition of the current President and therefore won.

As the debate began, Harris approached Trump for a handshake but the Republican nominee seemed reticent and walked behind his podium. Psychologist and amateur paranormal investigator Dr. Ellen Shpochman has since explained that “The handshake was the moment when the dissonance between his mind and his vision became too extreme and Trump’s brain formed an illusion of Joe Biden to prevent further mental anguish. You will note that Kamala introduces herself but Trump does not, clearly busy reconciling her words with what he wants to hear.”

To Trump’s great advantage, the pulsing Biden-shaped light was an unskilled debater and would only respond to the moderators’ questions with unintelligible moans, much like the real Joe Biden. Trump was able to mock Biden’s economic plan of “four sentences”, label him guilty in his “documents case” and criticize him for approving the Nord Stream 2 pipeline, all points to which the indistinct Biden-like blur offered no rebuttal.

Gradually, however, the illusion began to fade and Biden’s ethereal face slipped into the nether world revealing briefly the vision of Kamala Harris. But Trump, still haunted by the Ghost of Presidents Present could only repeat, “She is Biden… She is Biden!” To which Harris replied, “Clearly I am not Joe Biden.”

As the multicolored kaleidoscope of Biden-ness seemed to leave the debate stage, it was apparent that Trump would lose his advantage. Once again at odds with reality, Trump lamented Biden’s fading specter, “Where is our president?” he cried of the vision, “We don’t even know if he’s a president.” And then, in a moment of touching empathy for his former rival, “They threw him out of a campaign like a dog,” Trump mourned and in realization whispered, “We have a president that doesn’t know he’s alive.”

This moment of concern, like a teardrop awakening a sleeping princess, was powerful enough to restore the Biden hallucination and Trump was back in the debate. Throwing zinger after zinger, Trump accused the fragmented memory of Biden and the hallucination of his son (who had also materialized on stage) of taking money from China and Ukraine and in the final sentence of his closing argument called him, “the worst president in the history of our country.”

Shadow-Biden pulsed silently for a moment then said inexplicably, “Tomorrow I’m doing 9/11” before fading out of reality. Trump left the debate stage the clear winner with a final score of 32 to 1.

Tax amnesia seems to be running in the first family as latest reports have exposed Ashley Biden owing thousands in income taxes.

In doing so, the daughter of the US president has joined her brother, Hunter Biden, who is supposed to pay at least $1.4 million for years 2016 through 2019.

After all, the Biden family is known for their heartwarming tales of unity and love. But, the charming display of sibling rivalry comes with not-so-much of a competition as Ashley opted for a more modest sum of $5,000.

In the parallel storyline of her brother, Hunter is the trailblazer in the family, especially when it comes to money matters. He is the reigning champion with his high-profile tax escapades setting a rather lofty standard.

Ashley’s approach, on the other hand, revolves around the subtle art of oversight. Where Hunter’s tax narrative reads like a thrilling novel, Ashley’s is more of a short story.

“It’s all about baby steps for Ashley. Why go big on tax evasion when you can start small and work your way up?”commented a family advisor who wishes to remain anonymous.

In a family where dinner table conversations should presumably revolve around tax fairness and fiscal responsibility, the Bidens would rather be laughing at the ones paying taxes.

Sources close to the family say that Ashley might have misunderstood her father’s speeches on tax evasion as ‘family advice’ rather than political rhetoric.

With a professional background in social work and activism, one can only wonder how she ended up in the midst of a tax oversight saga.

Perhaps Ashley is just trying to empathize with the common Americans’ struggle with tax codes. Or maybe she is bringing forth a new “Do As We Say, Not As We Do” policy.

Whatever is the case, the sibling duo have now become pioneers of a financial approach that blends forgetfulness and avant-garde accounting in the White House. It has definitely set a new bar for fiscal responsibility—or lack thereof.

Experts have unveiled a new exercise trend that’s sweeping the nation: literally running away from responsibilities. This innovative approach to fitness, aptly named “Responsibility Evasion Cardio Treatment” (RECT), is being hailed as the ultimate solution for those looking to burn calories and avoid the daunting tasks of adult life.

The founder of RECT, Jenny Sprinter, explains, “We’ve found that the adrenaline rush from dodging responsibilities is a fantastic calorie burner. Plus, it’s way more exhilarating than a treadmill.”

Participants of RECT are encouraged to create a list of their most pressing responsibilities, ranging from paying bills to answering work emails. Once the list is complete, they are instructed to physically run in the opposite direction whenever they think about these tasks.

Early adopters of the trend report significant weight loss, increased stamina, and an unparalleled sense of freedom. “I’ve never felt more alive,” says Mark Evader, a long-time practitioner. “As soon as I feel the urge to clean my house, I just put on my sneakers and run to the nearest coffee shop. The pounds are melting away!”

However, not everyone is on board with this unconventional fitness method. Critics argue that while RECT may offer short-term health benefits, it could lead to long-term life complications. Financial advisor Penny Saver warns, “Those miles might be piling up, but so are your unpaid bills.”

Despite the controversy, RECT classes are popping up in gyms across the country, offering a sanctuary for those looking to combine fitness with a carefree lifestyle. The classes typically end with a group cool-down session, where participants relax and share tips on how to evade more responsibilities.

As this new fitness craze continues to gain momentum, it’s clear that running away from responsibilities might just be the path to a healthier, albeit more chaotic, life.

The Biden-Harris administration heralds its new flagship student loan repayment plan as one of the “most affordable” to ever exist. Aimed at lowering monthly payments for millions of borrowers, the “Saving on A Valuable Education” or SAVE initiative even sets payments to $0 for some students (They may have read our guide to student loans).

On the flip side, the Republicans were quick to bash the plan, tagging it as a “free college scheme”. In September, Senator Bill Cassidy introduced a joint resolution with other congressional Republicans to overturn Biden’s “reckless income-driven repayment (IDR) rule”.

According to them, the SAVE scheme could leave taxpayers on the hook for as much as $559 billion, making it the costliest regulation in US history. In the Congressional Review Act (CRA) resolution, the conservative critics argued that the Biden administration was just promoting the SAVE scheme “as a solution to America’s broken student loan system”:

“The only difference between President Biden and a snake oil salesman is a title……In reality, the SAVE scheme is a desperate effort to curry favor and buy votes ahead of the next election.

On late Wednesday, the Senate floor heard Cassidy commenting on the plan saying: “Where is the forgiveness for the guy who didn’t go to college but is working to pay off the loan on the truck he takes to work? This is irresponsible. It is deeply unfair.”

However, the Democrat-controlled Senate managed to narrowly strike down this Republican-led effort. They voted majoritarily along party lines in a 49-50 vote, making the latest challenge to Biden’s generous repayment plan null and void.

On the occasion of the measure failing to pass the house, Senate Majority Leader Charles Schumer said: “I’m very glad this chamber had the good sense to defeat it. This is a real victory for our young people and for the future of America.”

Earlier in the same week, the President had indicated in a memo that he would veto the joint resolution anyway in case it passes Congress and reaches his desk.

The new repayment plan has already attracted nearly 5.5 million borrowers, according to the Education department as of November. Out of this, about 2.9 million have their payments set at $0. The interest for borrowers and base monthly loan repayments are capped according to their incomes and family sizes.

The press release further stated that the borrowers enrolled in SAVE are saving an estimated $102 a month ($1,224 a year) compared to what they would have paid on the Revised Pay As You Earn (REPAYE) plan. Calling this the “most affordable repayment plan ever”, Education Secretary, Miguel Cardona, was quoted as saying:

“Under President Biden, the Department created the SAVE Plan so that young people and working families can climb the economic ladder without unaffordable student loan debt weighing them down. I’m thrilled to see that in less than three months, nearly 5.5 million Americans in every community across the country are taking advantage of the SAVE Plan’s many benefits, from lower monthly payments to protection from runaway student loan interest.”

Jim Cramer, the renowned CNBC personality known for his bold Wall Street and finance segments, might have just sealed our financial doom. Cramer, who has become a bit of a financial Cassandra (only in reverse), is infamous for his often misguided market predictions, leading to what many traders wryly refer to as the “inverse Cramer effect.” This curious phenomenon suggests a simple yet bizarre strategy: do the exact opposite of what Cramer recommends.

Sell everything. It’s over pic.twitter.com/Jn5jT5na2K
— Not Jerome Powell (@alifarhat79) November 15, 2023

from Not Jerome Powell on x.com

This week, following the release of the Consumer Price Index (CPI) data that hinted at a decrease in inflation, Cramer took to his show with his usual flair. He made a bold prediction about Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell orchestrating a “soft landing” for the economy and spurred talks of an imminent market rally. Under normal circumstances, this would be cause for celebration. However, in the bizarro world of Cramer’s financial forecasting, this is the equivalent of sounding the alarm bells.

Why, you ask? Because Cramer’s track record reads like a how-to guide on being spectacularly wrong. His latest prophecy has left seasoned investors and market watchers in a state of high alert. The fear is palpable – if Cramer says up, history suggests the market is about to take a nosedive down.

So, what does this mean for the average Joe and Jane with their 401(k)s and modest portfolios? In the words of financial analysts who have learned to read the tea leaves of Cramer’s forecasts: brace yourselves. We might be on the cusp of not just a hard landing but a full-blown, buckle-your-seatbelts, hold-onto-your-hats, prolonged bear market, and potentially a recession that could make the 2008 financial crisis look like a hiccup.

In light of this, the new market mantra might just be “Cramer says buy; we say bye!” As unconventional as it sounds, in a world where up is down and left is right in the realm of financial predictions, doing the opposite of what Jim Cramer suggests could be the safest bet for your financial health. So, when Cramer says it’s time to rally, perhaps it’s really time to batten down the hatches and prepare for a financial storm.

Remember, in the topsy-turvy world of Wall Street, sometimes the best advice comes from the least expected places – like doing the exact opposite of what a famed finance guru suggests. So, as Cramer’s latest prediction of economic sunshine and rainbows makes the rounds, savvy investors might just be quietly whispering to themselves, “Sell everything.” Because, in the end, the inverse Cramer effect might be the most reliable financial advisor we’ve got.

Not financial advice.

Recently released CPI figures show the United States has seen a remarkable decrease in inflation, primarily thanks to falling gasoline and used car prices. The streets are buzzing with joy, as citizens plan to commemorate this economic milestone by buying an additional 70 inch flat screen tv on Black Friday.

As the Labor Department released figures showing a soothing 3.2% inflation rate, down from the nerve-wracking 3.7% in September, Americans everywhere rejoiced. “It’s like getting a raise without having to do anything!” exclaimed one shopper, eyeing a new TV that’s still out of her budget.

The decline in inflation, attributed largely to the easing of pandemic-related supply chain issues, has led to an unexpected surge in consumer confidence. “I thought I’d never see the day when buying a slightly used sedan would feel like a steal,” said a local dad, who has been putting off replacing the family minivan for what feels like decades.

The core prices, which exclude those roller-coaster ride-like food and energy items, rose a modest 0.2%. Economists are hailing this as a victory, with some already nominating themselves for Nobel Prizes for their accurate, albeit constantly changing, predictions.

Barclays predicts a further decrease in inflation, but Americans seem to have a different plan. “Lower prices? Great, let’s buy more stuff we don’t need!” said a consumer, who just heard the news and is now planning a celebratory trip to the nearest electronics store.

As for gasoline prices dropping by 5%, families are already planning their next road trip. “Who cares if we have nowhere to go? Gas is cheap!” said a mom, as she started packing for a trip to a destination to be decided later.

The Federal Reserve, witnessing this euphoria, is contemplating whether to raise interest rates just to dampen the party. “We can’t have too much fun now, can we?” joked a Fed official, as the money printers slowed down in the background..

As the nation grapples with this newfound economic ‘stability’, citizens are gearing up to do what they do best – spend money in celebration, because what better way to combat lower inflation than by trying to single-handedly raise it again!

TALLAHASSEE, FL – Governor Ron DeSantis has decided to swap his infamous boots for a more “down-to-earth” Halloween costume this year. Sources close to the Governor’s mansion have leaked that DeSantis will be dressing up as none other than one of the Seven Dwarves.

For those out of the loop, a recent viral video showcased the Governor donning a pair of boots that suspiciously seemed to have heel lifts, presumably to add a few inches to his stature.

https://twitter.com/MaidenUSA_/status/1719361135173140976

Critics were quick to point out that the boots might be a compensatory measure for DeSantis’s height, or lack thereof. The Governor, however, has remained tight-lipped about the video, choosing instead to let his Halloween costume do the talking.

“It’s a bold move,” commented Tallahassee resident, Patty Simmons. “I mean, going as one of the dwarves? After that video? It’s like he’s saying, ‘I see your jokes and raise you a costume.'”

But the choice of a dwarf might not just be a nod to the recent boot debacle. Insiders speculate that this could also be a subtle jab at Disney amidst their ongoing legal tussle with the state. With Disney’s headquarters located in the heart of Florida, and Snow White being one of their iconic characters, DeSantis’s costume choice seems to be more than just a coincidence.

“Is it a coincidence? Maybe. Is it hilarious? Absolutely,” remarked local comedian, Jake Hernandez.

While the Governor’s office has yet to release an official statement about the costume, Floridians are eagerly awaiting Halloween night. Many are curious to see if DeSantis will fully commit to the role, complete with the oversized ears and purple hat.

One thing is for sure, this Halloween, DeSantis is set to be the talk of the town, and for once, it won’t be about his boots.

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