John Combs | Wall Street Memes

OAKS, PA – Donald Trump has revealed plans to open a disco in the ‘swing’ state of Pennsylvania riding the success of his DJ set at a recent rally in which two people fainted.

Half an hour into the former president’s town hall, an attendee fainted due to the high temperatures inside the expo center. When the event’s moderator suggested the attendees sit down to avoid further incidents, Trump encouraged everyone to stand up and dance.

“Let’s not do any more questions,” said Trump. “Let’s just listen to music. Let’s make it into a music fest.” He then insisted on playing guaranteed floor-fillers, nothing but wall-to-wall bangers, real toe-tappers such as ‘Ave Maria’, ‘Hallelujah’, ‘Nothing Compares 2 U’, and ‘Time To Say Goodbye’. Invigorated by these sick beats the crowd gently swayed back and forth, mumbling the half-remembered lyrics while Trump stood silently on stage for 39 minutes watching everyone slowly leave.

It was this electric energy that has inspired Trump to enter the music biz. Trump envisions a building in which it’s always a music fest. A ‘club’, if you will, that opens at ‘night’, a ‘nightclub’, for disco dancing, a ‘disco’, if you will. A place where people can dance and sing along to their favorite upbeat hits such as Jonny Cash’s ‘Hurt’, ‘The Lord’s Prayer’ and ‘Royalty Free Funeral March Number 4’.

The purpose-built nightclub, dubbed, ‘Truth Social Club’ is due to break ground next week so voters can break down before the election. Attractions will include indoor crazy golf, voting booths, and a bar serving water and orange juice to keep the atmosphere going. Paramedics will of course be on hand should any other medical emergencies occur.

Trump has already guaranteed a personal appearance to show off moves such as the ‘fist pump’ and the ‘Trump weave’ and suggested he might be able to persuade JD to DJ.

Fourteen notable music artists have already come out to object to the project, preparing pre-emptive cease and desist letters should Club Trump-icano play any of their songs. In the case of any successful lawsuit, the disco may be forced to revert to playing non-stop Kid Rock.

Trump has suggested that potential licensing issues could be worked around by using exclusively parody soundalikes such as, ‘I’m Still Standing (Despite Two Assassination Attempts)’, ‘Water-Felon Sugar’, ‘Smooth-ish Criminal’ and ‘Trump Up The Jam’.

Should Trump lose the presidential race he has hinted he might dedicate himself to managing the club full time. In the case he does win the presidency, however, Trump has stated that he will dedicate himself to managing the club full-time.

At a Trump rally this weekend, Elon Musk deployed his new anti-assassination technique: jumping up and down really fast.

Former president, Donald Trump returned to Butler, Pennsylvania twelve weeks after the failed assassination attempt on his life. During his speech, Trump invited Elon Musk onto the stage to speak. The billionaire proceeded to jump up and down in what initially appeared to be an impromptu performance of ‘the YMCA’ but was actually a defensive technique against a potential assassination attempt.

“He’s been practicing for months,” explained former Olympic high jumper and Musk’s personal trainer, Robyn Bobbin, “When Elon heard the rally was coming up, he said he wanted to be able to dodge bullets and I told him, when you’re ready, you won’t have to.”

“It’s the same technique I use at the Olympics or at the dentist and to this day I’ve not been shot more than twice,” Ms. Bobbin continued. “The principle is very simple, by jumping up and down you create a moving target, that’s number one. Number two is you’re confusing the shooter because they’re looking at you going, ‘what the hell are they doing?’ and you can’t fire a gun when you’re confused.”

By all accounts, the technique was successful with no incidents at the event. As amateur historian, Derbert Monfreese, explained, “Had Abraham Lincoln jumped up and down, maybe he’d still be with us today.”

After tuckering himself out from jumping, Musk proceeded with his speech. “Hi everyone. As you can see, I’m not just MAGA, I’m ‘dark MAGA’,” Musk said, referencing both his black ‘Make America Great Again’ hat and the ‘dark MAGA’ meme. You see, whereas MAGA hats are normally red, Musk’s hat was black, or ‘dark’, like the meme. Ordinarily, if you have to explain the joke, it’s not funny, however, this is not true with the elevated humor of Elon Musk.

Unable to ‘block’ the ‘X’ owner ‘IRL’, rallygoers and Trump listened to Musk’s expression of free speech as he proceeded to recount the gruesome details of the failed Trump assassination (exciting) before lecturing about the importance of registering to vote (boring). Once concluded, Musk bunny-hopped off stage.

Reportedly the United States military has contacted Musk about the possibility of deploying his patented ‘jumping’ technique in the field. However, it remains to be seen whether Trump himself will apply Musk’s move at future public appearances or just stick to his signature ‘fist dance’ to bamboozle any potential assassins.

With this month’s addition of a second ‘mini-moon’, Earth’s original moon, the Moon, has opened up about feeling “unwanted and replaced” in an exclusive interview.

“It just feels like the moment you reach 4.53 billion years, no one wants to hear from you,” the Moon admitted this weekend. “Why else would this mini-moon be suddenly getting all the headlines? I do think it’s ageism, I do. Mini-moon? More like mini-slut.”

The Moon is referring to 2024 PT5, the asteroid that recently entered Earth’s orbit where it will remain until the end of November. The mini-moon is not visible to the naked eye as it is only 10 meters across, but it is there, we promise.

“‘Petite’, they call it,” continued the Moon between cocktail sips. “I was never called ‘petite’. I have a diameter of 2,000 miles for god’s sake! And you know what? I’m proud to be big-boned. I’d like to see that PT5 bitch influence the tides with its itty-bitty waist.”

“How can you even call that a moon? I’ve seen more meat on a Saturn V rocket. You’re telling me Pluto is too small to be planet but this pocket-sized hussy gets to be called a moon? I’m the moon. I’M THE MOON.”

This development comes amid growing tensions between the Moon and the Earth. The astronomical bodies continue to drift apart at a rate of about 1.5 inches a year.

Last week the Moon Tweeted (‘X’d’, whatever), “YOU DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY!!! I’m not made of cheese, I’m not a golf course, I’m not someone’s bare ass. I have feelings but half the time it feels like you don’t even know I exist. I’M DONE. I’M GONE.” However, at the time of posting, it was unclear if the Moon actually went anywhere since it was the middle of the day.

In related news, astrologers are said to be “shitting bricks” over the new moon. “New-new moon-moon rising? Is that what we’re calling it?” Carter Bungleslim, Head of Astrology at NASA said in leaked emails. “This is going to f*** up lunar birth signs for everyone. I’m calling it, any kids born right now are going to be retarded.”

When reached for comment, 2024 PT5 did not reply. Because it’s a rock. And rocks don’t speak. Obviously.

Disgraced rapper, P. Diddy and Sam Bankman-Fried, the founder of collapsed crypto exchange, FTX, were reportedly seen playing the children’s card game, UNO in their shared jail cell last night.

In what feels like the world’s worst crossover episode, yesterday former music mogul Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs was moved into the same dormitory cell as crypto mogul Sam ‘Bankman’-Fried.

According to reports, Diddy immediately approached SBF aiming to complete his lifetime goal of having a connection to every celebrity on the planet.

At first, it seemed they had little to discuss but the two quickly found common ground in their experience with ‘liquidation’. SBF is known for crashing the crypto market whereas SDC is known for crashing the baby oil market.

After sharing investment advice and bonding over their shared expertise in ‘screwing people’, the de-crowned crypto king then invited Diddy for a friendly game of ‘UNO Show ‘Em No Mercy’. “I’m an ‘Uno Bro’ now,” explained SBF.

Diddy and SBF were joined in the game by fellow cellmates, Garcia Luna (Mexico’s former secretary of public security) and Juan Orlando Hernández (the former president of Honduras).

Using a deck left behind by former inmate, R. Kelly, SBF’s new BFF, PD, began strong, playing a ‘plus four’ followed by an ‘UNO reverse’. By the midgame, however, Luna and Hernández had cashed out and SBF was closing in on ‘uno’.

Diddy swung the game to red, blocked SBF, and played a six-card combo. It looked like it was all over but in the last moments, SBF slammed down a ‘plus 16’ and discarded his last card for the win.

Upon inspection of the card, however, it was clear the ‘plus 16’ was written on in Sharpie. Mr. Combs immediately accused SBF of fraud, embezzlement, and racketeering. In retaliation, SBF accused Puff Daddy of manipulation, racketeering, and sex trafficking. After a tense moment in which it looked like they might either fight or kiss, Diddy broke the tension with a laugh and congratulated SBF’s “most devious deception”.

After the game, Diddy suggested they all join forces and form a supervillain team called, ‘the Freaky Four’ and “take on Spiderman or Batman or whoever got us locked up in the first place” but the other players declined.

In unrelated news, memecoin $DIDDYSBF is up 1.65%.

KITTANNING, PA – A mother of three has been arrested after paying for her groceries with an illegal campaign donation from presidential nominee Donald Trump.

The woman was shopping for her three sons when Trump, who was also shopping for his three boys, stepped in to offer a government subsidy for her groceries.

“Here, it’s going to go down a little bit,” said Trump jovially as he splashed the cash. “It’s just gone down a hundred bucks!” Trump added, referring to his own bank account.

Moments after the former president had left the store, the mom was tackled to the ground by a passing IRS operative.

The operative demanded she pay the relevant taxes on her sudden windfall but the mother explained that since she had already spent the money on groceries the best she could offer was a couple of bananas.

The tax collector was then tackled by a passing FEC operative who explained that the Federal Election Commission had jurisdiction over the IRS in this situation. After a brief altercation, the matter was settled and it was decided the mother would receive the full force of the law for accepting a political bribe.

Three dozen eggs, two loaves of bread and various other groceries were seized as evidence and will likely be presented at the trial next Thursday. The accused party also had her accounts frozen to avoid any further political manipulation.

Trump was visiting Kittaninnining, Pennsylvania on his way from a town hall in Smithton where he started a fight with a deer. Wait, no, ‘Deere’, sorry, he wants to raise taxes on John Deere if they move manufacturing to Mexico. He’s not fighting any animals.

Before heading over to a rally in Indiana (not the state) Trump passed a sign for the local neighborhood grocery store, ‘Sprankles’ and started chanting, ‘Sprankles! Sprankles! Sprankles!’ until the driver pulled over to buy some popcorn.

After spending $100 on a bag of popcorn and one vote, Trump is not the only Republican overpaying for groceries this week as JD Vance recently spent $4 on $2 eggs.

The Democrats also made a pitstop on the campaign trail, stopping at a Pennsylvania gas station, ‘Sheetz’ last month. In an effort to appeal to working-class voters, Gov. Tim Walz distracted the clerk as VP Kamala Harris shoplifted six family-sized bags of Doritos.

Californian citizens were shocked today after a 14-fingered Gavin Newsom announced a U-turn on his deepfake regulation.

After speaking at a press conference to defend the recent laws, Governor Newsom left the stage but returned immediately via a video call to monotonously say, “Hi guys. It is me. ChatGPT. No, just kidding it is Gavin Newsom. Parody.”

The Californian governor had just moments before expressed worry about the spread of political misinformation in the run-up to November’s election, now appeared completely unphased by the issue, sporting a many-toothed grin as he blurred in and out of a tree.

“Please ignore everything I said before about AI. I am actually very pro deepfakes very much. They make me happy. I hereby reverse my AI disinformation ban effective immediately. No follow-up questions. Thank you. Parody. Goodbye.”

Newsom then slurped down an entire plate of spaghetti before flying away on a jetpack.

Lawmakers immediately scrambled to scribble out Newsom’s previous laws before Newsom could change his mind again. It remains unclear how long before the law takes un-effect. With this article for example… can I post it now or… or should I wait…?

The reversal comes after a lawsuit against Newsom’s original ruling was filed by the Ronald Reagan who had created a fake campaign ad of Kamala Harris in which she admitted that she was running for president. Citing freedom of speech and parody laws, Reagan claims Newsom is curtailing freedom of speech and parody.

Newsom had previously banned Pixar’s Ratatouille for disseminating false information about rats being able to cook. “Rats can’t cook. Clearly,” Newsom said in a statement. Whether 647 confiscated DVDs of Pixar’s Ratatouille will be incinerated as planned is still in question.

“I’m just annoyed I got 4,725 years bad luck for nothing,” said Gustav Espinosa one of the workers tasked with destroying carnival mirrors for creating fake images.

ChatGPT declined to comment on the issue.

Sparked by a recent hoax claiming Haitian migrants in Ohio are capturing and eating household pets and local wildlife, Presidential nominee Donald Trump’s photoshoot with a goose and a kitten this morning ended in bloodshed.

Beginning as an unsubstantiated rumor on X, campaigners were quick to frame Trump as the candidate to protect animals from their natural enemy: foreigners. This spawned a trend in which users generated AI images of Trump hugging ducks, a meme the former president appeared to endorse when he changed his X handle to ‘Donald Duck’.

Seeking to recreate the meme IRL, Trump staged a photo shoot this morning in which he cradled a kitten and an initially docile goose. However, when the former president lent in for a kiss, the goose proceeded to hiss and attack the Republican party’s nominated candidate for the position of President of the United States of America.

Experts analyzing the incident now claim that had Trump not turned his head at the last moment, he might be dead. Instead, the goose only managed a little nibble at the businessman-turned-president, removing most of his left ear.

The ex-president/ex-businessman jumped away from the bird and only narrowly escaped with what little of his lobe was left. Using his quick wit and ingenuity, Trump threw the kitten as a distraction for the bloodthirsty goose to feast upon. The Secret Service sprang into action and after a mere 20 minutes, snipers had shot and killed the goose until it was dead and not breathing, protecting the presidential hopeful from losing another appendage.

SURPRISE BIRD FACT: geese are technically also birds.

Goose handlers were on hand to handle anything getting out of hand however they held up their hands and said, “It was out of our hands,” when approached for comment. Donald J. Trump Sr. laughed off the incident, spluttering through a mouthful of blood, “Wow, this bird is seriously dangerous but beautiful. I’ll never eat another goose so long as I live.”

This marks the third time Trump has been publicly attacked by a bird following a bald eagle in 2015 and Nancy Pelosi in 2024.

Trump has since changed his X user handle back to ‘Donald Jeff Trump’.

Former President Donald Trump won a landslide victory over his debate partner, “the mania-induced hallucination of Joe Biden” in their first televised debate.

Although Trump was scheduled to spar against the current Vice President, Kamala Harris, Trump insisted throughout the night that he was in fact witnessing the hazy apparition of the current President and therefore won.

As the debate began, Harris approached Trump for a handshake but the Republican nominee seemed reticent and walked behind his podium. Psychologist and amateur paranormal investigator Dr. Ellen Shpochman has since explained that “The handshake was the moment when the dissonance between his mind and his vision became too extreme and Trump’s brain formed an illusion of Joe Biden to prevent further mental anguish. You will note that Kamala introduces herself but Trump does not, clearly busy reconciling her words with what he wants to hear.”

To Trump’s great advantage, the pulsing Biden-shaped light was an unskilled debater and would only respond to the moderators’ questions with unintelligible moans, much like the real Joe Biden. Trump was able to mock Biden’s economic plan of “four sentences”, label him guilty in his “documents case” and criticize him for approving the Nord Stream 2 pipeline, all points to which the indistinct Biden-like blur offered no rebuttal.

Gradually, however, the illusion began to fade and Biden’s ethereal face slipped into the nether world revealing briefly the vision of Kamala Harris. But Trump, still haunted by the Ghost of Presidents Present could only repeat, “She is Biden… She is Biden!” To which Harris replied, “Clearly I am not Joe Biden.”

As the multicolored kaleidoscope of Biden-ness seemed to leave the debate stage, it was apparent that Trump would lose his advantage. Once again at odds with reality, Trump lamented Biden’s fading specter, “Where is our president?” he cried of the vision, “We don’t even know if he’s a president.” And then, in a moment of touching empathy for his former rival, “They threw him out of a campaign like a dog,” Trump mourned and in realization whispered, “We have a president that doesn’t know he’s alive.”

This moment of concern, like a teardrop awakening a sleeping princess, was powerful enough to restore the Biden hallucination and Trump was back in the debate. Throwing zinger after zinger, Trump accused the fragmented memory of Biden and the hallucination of his son (who had also materialized on stage) of taking money from China and Ukraine and in the final sentence of his closing argument called him, “the worst president in the history of our country.”

Shadow-Biden pulsed silently for a moment then said inexplicably, “Tomorrow I’m doing 9/11” before fading out of reality. Trump left the debate stage the clear winner with a final score of 32 to 1.

Tax amnesia seems to be running in the first family as latest reports have exposed Ashley Biden owing thousands in income taxes.

In doing so, the daughter of the US president has joined her brother, Hunter Biden, who is supposed to pay at least $1.4 million for years 2016 through 2019.

After all, the Biden family is known for their heartwarming tales of unity and love. But, the charming display of sibling rivalry comes with not-so-much of a competition as Ashley opted for a more modest sum of $5,000.

In the parallel storyline of her brother, Hunter is the trailblazer in the family, especially when it comes to money matters. He is the reigning champion with his high-profile tax escapades setting a rather lofty standard.

Ashley’s approach, on the other hand, revolves around the subtle art of oversight. Where Hunter’s tax narrative reads like a thrilling novel, Ashley’s is more of a short story.

“It’s all about baby steps for Ashley. Why go big on tax evasion when you can start small and work your way up?”commented a family advisor who wishes to remain anonymous.

In a family where dinner table conversations should presumably revolve around tax fairness and fiscal responsibility, the Bidens would rather be laughing at the ones paying taxes.

Sources close to the family say that Ashley might have misunderstood her father’s speeches on tax evasion as ‘family advice’ rather than political rhetoric.

With a professional background in social work and activism, one can only wonder how she ended up in the midst of a tax oversight saga.

Perhaps Ashley is just trying to empathize with the common Americans’ struggle with tax codes. Or maybe she is bringing forth a new “Do As We Say, Not As We Do” policy.

Whatever is the case, the sibling duo have now become pioneers of a financial approach that blends forgetfulness and avant-garde accounting in the White House. It has definitely set a new bar for fiscal responsibility—or lack thereof.

Experts have unveiled a new exercise trend that’s sweeping the nation: literally running away from responsibilities. This innovative approach to fitness, aptly named “Responsibility Evasion Cardio Treatment” (RECT), is being hailed as the ultimate solution for those looking to burn calories and avoid the daunting tasks of adult life.

The founder of RECT, Jenny Sprinter, explains, “We’ve found that the adrenaline rush from dodging responsibilities is a fantastic calorie burner. Plus, it’s way more exhilarating than a treadmill.”

Participants of RECT are encouraged to create a list of their most pressing responsibilities, ranging from paying bills to answering work emails. Once the list is complete, they are instructed to physically run in the opposite direction whenever they think about these tasks.

Early adopters of the trend report significant weight loss, increased stamina, and an unparalleled sense of freedom. “I’ve never felt more alive,” says Mark Evader, a long-time practitioner. “As soon as I feel the urge to clean my house, I just put on my sneakers and run to the nearest coffee shop. The pounds are melting away!”

However, not everyone is on board with this unconventional fitness method. Critics argue that while RECT may offer short-term health benefits, it could lead to long-term life complications. Financial advisor Penny Saver warns, “Those miles might be piling up, but so are your unpaid bills.”

Despite the controversy, RECT classes are popping up in gyms across the country, offering a sanctuary for those looking to combine fitness with a carefree lifestyle. The classes typically end with a group cool-down session, where participants relax and share tips on how to evade more responsibilities.

As this new fitness craze continues to gain momentum, it’s clear that running away from responsibilities might just be the path to a healthier, albeit more chaotic, life.

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