Frito-Lay Takes $5.5 Billion Hit After Trump Bans Chip Exports

Snack company, Frito-Lay has claimed it’s going to lose $5.5 billion dollars (USD) after Washington has placed new restrictions on the export of H20 chips, which I guess is just plain salted flavor?

Ok, I’m reading it now… the H20 chip is an ‘artificial chip’? So I guess it was grown in a lab? Yeah, still not clear what flavor it is, but I guess base level it’s salted, right? Apparently, the Chinese couldn’t handle the more powerful H100 chip, so I guess that one was super spicy.

It was this H20 chip that developers of DeepSeek snacked on whilst building their breakthrough AI model so who knows what they’re going to eat now. Pringles? Ew.

But how can this be profitable for Frito-Lay? I hear you ask. Well, that’s just the point, it can’t. This sucks. This fucking sucks. Frito-Lay is the greatest snack company I can name. They got Doritos, they got Lays, they got them cheesy Cheetos. And to see them take a 14-point stock dive on this? My god. I vomited into my underwear. If America can’t look after the bastions of its snack industry, then is nothing sacred anymore?

“THIS IS DISGUSTING!” claimed Chinese snack connoisseur Steven Steven. “CHIPS ARE A HUMAN RIGHT!”

Look, Steven’s right, chips are a human right and China eats a lot of chips and if you’re going to let Frito-Lay die? I’m going to come for you.

The snack-pocolyse is the latest tremor in Trump’s trade tariff trauma. He’s cut down on cars, steel and greebling. Put on your hats kids, because it’s only got to get more shaky from here.

Oh, and Nvidia’s also hit too, or something, I guess.

Anyway, I’m hungry now.