Pen Smith | Wall Street Memes

Insiders at ChatGPT creator OpenAI say the company has begun talks to raise $6.5 billion from investors, the final push needed to create non-evil artificial intelligence.

In a statement, OpenAI has suggested that creating a ‘good’ AI costs exactly $6.5 billion and 46 cents whereas ‘evil’ AI has a lower price tag of $6.1 billion and a nickel.

“We can make an evil one, sure, yeah, that’s easy. A good one though, you’ll have to pay up for that,” said OpenAI spokesman and part-time ethicist, Jim Morales. “Just how it is on the streets, if you want morality, it’s gonna cost you extra… $0.4 billion extra. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.”

Thrive Capital, Microsoft, Apple, and Nvidia are all said to be rushing to invest and delay the impending robo-pocalypse but whether they will raise the funds to make a moral AI or come up just a penny short and damn us all to complete annihilation at the cold, merciless hand of an uncaring machine hellbent on the complete and utter destruction of the human species, remains to be seen.

This new funding round would put the company’s valuation at $150 billion. Coincidentally when asked, ‘What is OpenAI worth?’ ChatGPT responded, “Well, shucks, that’s a mighty fine question there pardner! I’d be obliged to value that swell company at around one-hundred-fifty-smackeroos!” OpenAI declined to comment on ChatGPT’s new ‘Ol-Timey Prospector Mode’.

The new valuation will make OpenAI one of the most highly valued start-ups ever, closely trailing Elon Musk’s SpaceX, although not literally, rockets move faster. The rise to a $150 billion valuation is a significant increase from the company’s $86 billion worth at the start of the year.

“Well, yeah, because we’re the front line against the Borg!” responded Jim Morales who we thought had left. “Look. The thing is we were kidding the first time around. What we made were large language models and just called them artificial intelligence because it sounded cool but they’re only really intelligent as much as a parrot really thinks you’re a pretty boy then. The real AI is coming and baby it is scary. I can see one around the corner now, big shiny Schwarzenegger-type fella, he’s gonna getcha! Quick, money, quick, quick. You wanna get got, do ya, DO YA!?”

Whether OpenAI can prevent AI-mageddon with more AI remains to be seen but our thoughts and prayers go out to the $150 billion company in its time of need.

Following the DEA’s recent ruling, pharmacies across Georgia have begun selling a curious new product labeled “Oregano.” This move comes after the DEA firmly stated that the sale of marijuana by these establishments was not permitted. However, local pharmacies seem to have found a loophole, as the ‘Oregano’ being sold is suspiciously similar to marijuana, but of course, purely for culinary purposes.

The organic “Oregano” is hitting the shelves at a price point that remarkably matches what one would typically pay for marijuana. Packaged in individually sealed bags to preserve freshness, or for the more environmentally conscious, in paper-wrapped single servings that bear an uncanny resemblance to a certain type of rolled cigarette, this ‘Oregano’ is raising more than a few eyebrows.

One enthusiastic local pharmacist extolled the virtues of their newest product, “This Oregano is fantastic for cooking, especially if you’re into smoking – meats, obviously. It’s also great for those struggling with chronic pain and arthritis.” Eyebrows were raised at the mention of smoking, but the pharmacist assured it was all in the context of culinary endeavors.

Despite the high quality of this ‘Oregano,’ not all residents are thrilled. Complaints about the strong, distinctive smell have been wafting in, much to the chagrin of those with a less refined palate. On the other hand, active consumers of the product are over the moon, praising its exceptional taste and purported health benefits. Efforts to obtain a comment from one regular user were futile, as they were deeply engrossed in a game of hacky sack, a common pastime among ‘Oregano’ aficionados.

As Georgia’s pharmacies continue to roll out this premium “Oregano,” the line between culinary spice and recreational herb blurs. In the meantime, the DEA has yet to comment on this innovative workaround, possibly busy updating their spice racks.

Elon Musk, Alex Jones, and Andrew Tate have formed an alliance that is less Avengers and more like a group project where everyone forgot to do their homework.

Dubbed the “Freedom Squad,” this trio is setting out on a crusade to save free speech, or at least their version of it. This was unveiled in a recent X Spaces conversation that felt like a bizarre crossover episode no one asked for.

It comes just a day after Musk held an unscientific poll on whether Jones should be allowed back on X after being banned in 2018 for breaching the site’s rules on abusive behavior.

About 70% of roughly two million respondents voted to lift the ban, bringing the American conspiracy theorist back on the platform in a display of Musk’s commitment to his free speech ethos.

In a nearly three-hour talkathon, the three shared their views on everything from space colonization to conspiracy theories, wrapped in the banner of free speech.

The first to enter is Alex Jones, the man who turned conspiracy theorizing into an artform. He brings to the table a wealth of experience in saying things that definitely get people talking. Whether or not those things are rooted in reality is a different story altogether.

Jones expressed his gratitude to Musk for being allowed back into the digital public square. “The only thing you own is your soul and integrity”, he added in his statement that left even the most seasoned philosophers scratching their heads.

“Musk is overturning the power structure, he is changing the entire paradigm”, said Jones, praising Musk’s efforts in “getting the system scared”. He even pledged to do all his Christmas shopping from X sponsors in an attempt to show his support to the free speech crusader.

If this wasn’t enough for the day, Tate, who faces charges of rape and human trafficking, also chimed in. With a unique blend of bravado and business ‘advice,’ Tate is the wildcard of the group.

Calling Musk a “hero”, he said: “This simple purchase of the website [X] has cracked the matrix in real time”. He then advised young men to pursue wealth, fast cars, and gym memberships, emphasizing non-compliance to the system.

Together, this trio is embarking on a mission to champion free speech, with Musk tweeting: “Free speech is essential for a functioning democracy” and who better to help him with that than a man who thinks chemicals in the water are turning the frogs gay and the “most googled man in the world”.

Critics are calling this the ‘League of Extraordinary Gentlemen,’ if the gentlemen in question were less about fighting supernatural threats and more about fighting the ‘threat’ of not being able to say whatever pops into their heads.

In response to the news, Twitter’s servers are reportedly considering early retirement, and the fact-checking industry is experiencing a boom, calling this an unexpected economic stimulus.

So, grab your popcorn, folks. The Musk-Jones-Tate trio is ready to take on the world. It will definitely be a show worth watching, but from a very, very safe distance.

Former President Donald Trump seeks to introduce a new dictator diet plan for the next time he is in power. It comes with the proposition of losing democracy in just a day.

Forget intermittent fasting, Americans can now get a taste of intermittent dictatorship when Trump would close the border and “drill, drill, drill” on the first day of his hypothetical second term.

“Think of it as a quick cleanse”, suggested Trump, “but instead of losing toxins, you lose constitutional norms just for a day!” This is how the Republican presidential frontrunner answered questions on authoritarianism in his recent appearance on Fox News.

“It’s like saying you’ll only be a vegetarian between meals. I mean, who needs a full term of dictatorship when you can apparently achieve all your authoritarian goals before breakfast?”, expressed a commentator, who wishes to remain anonymous.

Much like a Netflix free trial, Trump assured that this one-day-only dictatorship would be non-committal. “If you don’t like it, you can always go back to democracy the next day”, he declared in the interview.

Critics, however, are wary. As one political analyst noted, “History shows these trial runs tend to have automatic renewals that are very hard to cancel”.

What would attract certain Americans more is it being a balanced diet of power and panic. It would be the perfect amalgamation of out-of-the-box executive orders and Trump’s infamous inflammatory tweets.

On top of this, the best part is that no exercise would be required! The only lifting citizens will have to do would be lifting restrictions on their own power.

While Trump is busy attacking Joe Biden and dodging debates, people like Mark Esper (former defense secretary during the Trump administration) have been raising alarms about the dangers of his potential re-election.

Recently, the former President’s choice of words has been more vintage dictator than modern-day politician. He was seen throwing around terms like ‘vermin’ to describe some of his political opponents.

While every diet plan comes with its own side-effects, it could potentially be international condemnation, domestic unrest, or even impeachment in particular this case. One can now only hope that Americans would consult their political advisor before overthrowing the established order.

Thanksgiving, a time for gratitude, family, and, if you’re feeling particularly ambitious, a chance to assert your dominance at the dinner table. Here are some foolproof strategies for those brave souls looking to leave an unforgettable impression this holiday season.

Unleash Your Hustlers University Knowledge

Begin by giving everyone, from your wide-eyed nephew to your dozing grandpa, an unsolicited, detailed lecture on your Hustlers University course. Explain every module, every assignment, and especially your groundbreaking thoughts on the future of e-commerce. The goal is to make them wish they had never asked, “So, what have you been up to?”

Convert Aunt Ethel to Crypto

Next, target Aunt Ethel. Use the lull between the appetizer and the turkey to explain why she should invest her retirement savings in cryptocurrency. Ignore her confusion and pepper your monologue with terms like ‘blockchain’ and ‘NFTs’. Remember, the less she understands, the more successful you are.

Teabag the Gravy

It’s a risk – both from a logistical and personal injury standpoint – but if you want to assert ultimate thanksgiving dominance, drop trou and let your boys take a swim in the gravy. It’ll fill you with confidence at the dinner table as you pass on gravy, and add some extra umami flavor to the jus.

Flash Your P&L Constantly

As the turkey makes its rounds, so should your phone, with its open profit and loss statements. Make sure everyone sees how much of a financial guru you are (or aren’t). If someone tries to change the subject, bring it back with a “But have you seen my latest trades?”

Lead with Edgy Political Discussions

With everyone trying to digest their meal, drop a bombshell like, “So the Israelis are kinda nuts, right?” and watch the peaceful dinner transform into a heated political debate. Your job is to stir the pot, not to solve the Middle East crisis.

Regurgitate Jordan Peterson

As dessert arrives, it’s time to regurgitate all the Jordan Peterson content you’ve consumed. Mix his ideas with your personal life lessons, leaving your relatives to wonder if you’re a philosopher or just lost in your thoughts.

So there you have it—a foolproof guide to asserting your dominance at Thanksgiving dinner. Just remember, this approach may also assert your place at the ‘not invited next year’ list.

Woodrow Pugh of Arkansas has declared himself the first man in history to self-identify as a religious institution. Pugh, who insists on being referred to by the pronouns thy/thine, has claimed tax-exempt status, citing a deep spiritual connection with being a church.

“I’ve always felt at odds in my body,” Pugh proclaimed. “Turns out, I’m not a man, I’m a church. It all makes sense now. I love to have a sewing circle inside me on Tuesday afternoons.”

The IRS has yet to comment on this divine declaration of tax evasion, but local supporters have rallied behind Pugh. “Gender dysmorphia is a real thing, and we should be respectful of others’ decisions,” commented Alex Smith, a college student and part-time barista who has recently started a GoFundMe to help Pugh install stained glass windows in his eyes.

Critics argue that Pugh’s claim is less about spiritual identity and more about the holy grail of tax loopholes. However, Pugh’s followers, primarily online avatars, have been seen changing their bios to include thy/thine pronouns in solidarity.

When asked about the logistics of his transformation, Pugh was resolute. “Every Sunday, my soul hosts a bake sale, and on Wednesdays, we have bingo night. If that doesn’t qualify me as a church, I don’t know what does,” he stated while attempting to light a votive candle in his navel.

The local diocese has been less than amused, issuing a statement that while they support personal discovery, they are pretty sure that being a church involves more than just enjoying casseroles and speaking in King James English.

As the debate rages on, Pugh continues to enjoy his newfound identity, reportedly saving a fortune on both taxes and interior decorating by claiming religious sanctuary status. The IRS, meanwhile, has been spotted baptizing their calculators and praying for guidance.

In the meantime, Pugh has announced plans for a spiritual retreat in his backyard, promising enlightenment and tax deductions for all who attend. The event will be BYOB—Bring Your Own Bible.

WASHINGTON D.C. – As the spookiest night of the year approaches, parents across the nation are being warned of a new, unexpected terror: finding snippets of Jeffrey Epstein’s infamous client list hidden in their children’s Halloween candy.

The initial reports of this peculiar phenomenon began circulating in the neighborhoods surrounding Washington D.C., where parents were left aghast upon discovering tiny scrolls of paper, each bearing a name or two, nestled among the Snickers and Skittles. However, as the days have passed, similar reports have emerged from states as far-flung as California and Texas.

“I was just checking my son’s candy for any opened wrappers or suspicious-looking treats, and there it was,” said Martha Jenkins, a concerned mother from Virginia. “A tiny piece of paper with a name I’d rather not mention. I was expecting to find a razor blade or something, not a potential lead in a high-profile investigation.”

The FBI has since issued a statement urging parents to be vigilant. “We understand that this is an unusual and concerning situation,” said Special Agent Dale Cooper. “No one truly knows the length of Epstein’s client list, so this could very well be the Halloween epidemic of the year. We advise parents to thoroughly check their children’s candy and report any findings.”

While many are left wondering about the motives behind this bizarre act, some conspiracy theorists suggest it’s an elaborate scheme by whistleblowers to ensure the list reaches as many households as possible. Others believe it’s merely a distasteful prank by individuals looking to capitalize on the ongoing media frenzy surrounding the Epstein case.

Local police departments are also chiming in, with some offering “Candy X-Ray” services on Halloween night to ensure no unwanted surprises lurk within the festive treats.

As the nation braces itself for All Hallows’ Eve, parents are reminded to prioritize safety. Whether it’s double-checking for oncoming traffic while trick-or-treating or scanning candy for unexpected scrolls of scandal, this Halloween promises to be one for the history books.

Media mogul Rupert Murdoch has decided to step down as chairman of both Fox Corp. and News Corp. While the official statement cites the transition to the role of Chairman Emeritus and the robust health of the companies as reasons, insiders have whispered about a more… infernal reason for his departure.

Beelzebub, the Prince of Demons, recently commented, “It’ll be good to have him here more. Things have been slacking a little in the underworld, and Rupert can bring a whole new level to hell!” The underworld has been buzzing with excitement at the prospect of Murdoch taking charge of its operations.

Murdoch’s decision comes after a tumultuous year for Fox, including a hefty $787.5 million settlement with Dominion Voting Systems over defamation claims. Some speculate that this was just a warm-up for the challenges he’ll face in his new role. After all, managing fiery pits and eternal damnation might be a tad more complicated than handling a media empire.

The 92-year-old Australian media tycoon began his journey in the industry nearly 70 years ago and has since built an empire that spans newspapers, television, and more. His influence has been so profound that it’s been chronicled in books and even inspired the HBO series “Succession.”

But why the sudden shift to the underworld? Some say Murdoch has been preparing for this role for years. His vast experience in managing large corporations, dealing with controversies, and navigating the complex world of media politics makes him a prime candidate for managing the intricacies of hell.

In a note to his employees, Murdoch mentioned, “For my entire professional life, I have been engaged daily with news and ideas, and that will not change.” This statement has left many wondering if the underworld will soon have its own news channel, with daily updates on the latest in eternal torment and damnation.

As Murdoch transitions to his new role, the media world watches with bated breath. Will hell become the next media hotspot? Only time will tell. But one thing’s for sure: with Murdoch at the helm, hell is about to get a lot more interesting.

the Emergency Alert System (EAS) will be used to serve the frantic world of day traders and retail investors. Gone are the days when the EAS was solely reserved for natural disasters or national emergencies. Today, it’s all about preventing financial disasters of a different kind.

As the stock market bell rang this morning, traders nationwide were jolted not by a sudden market dip, but by an unexpected EAS alert. The message was clear and, for some, a tad humiliating: “Not a test – you forgot to set a stop loss, dumbass.”

The decision to use the EAS in this manner was reportedly made after a series of unfortunate events where traders, engrossed in their multiple screens and caffeine-induced trading frenzies, forgot the cardinal rule of setting a stop loss. The aftermath? Let’s just say there were many a tear shed over spilled stocks.

Wall Street insiders have praised the initiative, claiming it’s about time the EAS was put to “proper use.” One seasoned trader commented, “I mean, sure, tornadoes and hurricanes are important. But have you ever seen a newbie day trader’s face when they realize they forgot a stop loss on a volatile stock? Now THAT’s a disaster.”

Critics argue that the system might be a tad overkill. However, proponents counter that in the age of meme stocks and unpredictable market swings, every tool should be utilized to protect the often fragile egos (and wallets) of day traders.

In related news, there are unconfirmed reports that the next EAS update might include alerts for “accidental margin calls” and “unintended short squeezes.” Day traders, keep your phones close and your stop losses closer!

No. But it’s a fun conspiracy theory, isn’t it?

It’s another popular Titanic myth that began in 2002, gained traction in 2017, and still does the rounds every now and then on Twitter, X and your mom’s AI-generated Facebook feed, despite being thoroughly debunked.

JP Morgan Titanic Meme — I tried and he punched me.

The true part is that famed industrialist John Pierpont Morgan Sr. owned the Titanic’s operator, the White Star Line. And it’s also true that Morgan attended the launch in 1911 and had a personal suite booked with a promenade deck and a bath equipped with cigar holders, BUT then he cancelled and never boarded the ship.

Yes, we don’t know the real reason for cancellation, potentially ill health or a last-minute shopping trip for French art (France was about to change its import laws), but what we do know is that it wasn’t because he knew the Titanic was going to sink.

What are you going to tell me next, that Seth MacFarlane orchestrated 9/11?

A Titanic Mistake

The made-up story is that Morgan had planned the Titanic to sink with RIGGED EXPLOSIVES so as to kill his millionaire business rivals John Jacob Astor IV, Benjamin Guggenheim, and Isidor Straus because they were opposed to Morgan’s idea of creating a US central bank.

The problem, though, is that Straus was in favor of creating the Fed, and Astor and Guggenheim never spoke publicly about it. Also, why book the suite if you know you’re not going and just implicate yourself? Not to mention the whole matter of orchestrating the Titanic to crash would be beyond even the people who faked the moon landing.

Oh, and another part of the conspiracy theory is that the submersible implosion in 2023 was also sabotage,d so they wouldn’t find out what really happened. Who was that then, JPMorgan Chase? No, babe, this ship just loves eating billionaires.

Historians know exactly when and how the Titanic sank, almost minute by minute. Explorers have been down to the wreck and didn’t find evidence of any bombs, but they did find a massive iceberg-shaped gash in the side. I wonder what that could be?

Here’s the thing, you never get conspiracy theories for mundane things, it’s always the big tragedies that for some reason warrant people to make up stories about them. Why? Because it puts you back in control, it gives these disasters a human motivation and makes the whole universe a little more understandable and safe.

Soz, babe, the universe is random and indifferent and not everything has a movie-plot explanation.

For more conspiracy fun, read this: Newly Released JFK Files Reveal Cause Of Death Was Suicide

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