Pen Smith | Wall Street Memes

It’s a debate as old as video games themselves. Does violence cause video games or can video games be created peacefully? Well, new research from a team of scientists suggests that yes, violence is in fact essential to video game creation.

According to a new paper published in Nature and Gizmodo, the international team of top-notch scientists conducted a study that involved punching a child repeatedly in the head and then forcing that child to design a brand new MMORPG (massively multiplayer online role-playing game) from scratch.

In every case, the child that was repeatedly punched produced a fully-playable game whereas children that weren’t punched didn’t make shit and only partially because they weren’t involved in the experiment.

The ‘scientists’ plan to use the profits from the MMORPG sales to fund further research.

People have long believed that violence causes video games ever since Pong was developed with the aid of ritualistic satanic sacrifices, but until now, this connection was only hearsay.

Despite this, game companies have long made use of this connection in a practice known as ‘crunch’ in which developers and coders are severely beaten and deprived of sleep in order to produce a successful game.

When asked whether the reverse was true and a violent video game could potentially make a player violent, the researcher spat at me and beat me until I also created a successful MMORPG.

For more video game news, you should probably go somewhere else, we don’t tend to write about that.

Eventually, every party has to come to an end, no matter how cool and popular.

Elon Musk’s mission to shut down every government agency has finally reached the essential Department of Satirical Articles, which funds this here website and keeps my fourteen children fed.

Tuesday night, I received an email from DOGE that simply read, “What the hell do you even do?” I had a week to respond or risk losing my job. I was very busy with all the hilarious fake news I have to make up but when a slow news day came around I responded with an itemised list of every single one of the two things I had done this year.

I realize now that this wasn’t enough for the old Musky Man and I received my letter of resignation just today (delivered by hand of course because USPS has been shut down too).

LEGALIZE COMEDY! I shouted in protestation. I’M BEING CANCELLED! Is another thing I cried. THIS IS CENSORSHIP! I yelled as they dragged me away. But alas, it was not enough.

I’m sure you’re surprised to discover that yes, Wall Street Memes Dot Com, the website that initially appears to be a front for an online casino, is in fact just a front for the United States Government’s propaganda arm. But if you look closely, really closely, you’ll see it’s not that surprising, and in every article ever written, we’ve been subtly pushing a pro-deep state agenda.

Kindly cast your eyes over an article, any article. Now, take the first letter of the title and every paragraph. What does that spell? Yeah. Exactly.

Elon, I hold my hands up. You got me. Fair enough, I’ll bow out like a gentleman but I will be taking the office Nespresso machine with me.

Finally, before I go, I’d just like to thank every one who supported me through the years, Clarence Ogilvy, Fortonis Whizzicum, Donald Trump himself (without whom none of this would have been possible), Elon Musk (despite everything), nine of my fourteen children, Jesus, and of course my wonderful team of writers, Bill Fold, Ima Short, John Combs, (Ms!) Marge Incall and, of course, the indutible Max Profit.

Each and every single one of you deserves your own parody article! But until then, the best I can offer is a short and sweet… thank you.

Everyone (my parents included!) has been asking about the future of Wall Street Memes Dot Com. I’m sorry, but since this will be my last article for Wall Street Memes Dot Com and I’m not personal friends with the Musk, so going forward, I’m not sure whether the whole site will be shut down or if it will continue in another form entirely. Just be warned, if any new articles appear (even if under my name!), please understand that they have nothing to do with me and no longer represent the suggestive manipulations of the CIA and United States Government.

There it is. Now, there’s nothing left to do but sign off with the same catchphrase I’ve had ever since my first article here, all those twelve years ago: God rest and good riddance!

The war is finally over! After seemingly endless fighting, Ukraine has finally declared an end to the hostilities with its long-time rival, the United States of America.

On Tuesday, Ukrainian and US officials sat down and finally had a cordial discussion in which Ukraine agreed to accept, in theory, a potential 30-day ceasefire. Not with the US, with Russia, but hey ho, you have to start somewhere.

The US has now restored essential aid and intelligence sharing to the war-torn country, which was not in any way used to blackmail Ukraine in the first place. The agreement also mentioned the minerals agreement in which the US would get 50% of Ukrainian mineral export profits. Again, not blackmail.

The meeting marks a dramatic cooling of Ukraini-Americanio tensions that heated up during that awkward sit-down between the two countries’ leaders and also JD Vance for some reason. During the discussion, Zelensky was dressed down for dressing down and not saying thank you. You know, the way a parent might treat a petulant teenager… or a petulant teenager might treat their parent.

It remains to be seen whether the pleasantries will last or if J.D. will reemerge from under his rock and PILEDRIVE Americanic-Ukraino relations to oblivion once again but for now, for now we have peace.

Meanwhile, Russia has continued its air attacks on Kyiv and hasn’t shown any signs of accepting the agreement yet. However, now that Ukraine has America as its ally once again, President of the Country Donald Trump has said he would speak with Putin later this week. Hopefully, he doesn’t come out of that conversation with his mind changed back the other way.

US Secretary of State, Marco Rubio said, “the ball is now in [Russia’s] court,” and we would like it back please.

European countries have backed this hypothetical ceasefire agreement but then again they would wouldn’t they? Losers.

Do you think Russia should take the bait on this one? Let us know in the comments below!

Every single member of the republican party was removed from the House Chamber this Tuesday after disrupting President Trump’s Address to Congress by whooping and chanting “U.S.A.! U.S.A.!” repeatedly.

House Speaker Mike Johnson banged his gavel and instructed the Republicans to “Uphold and maintain decorum in the House and to cease and further disruptions” multiple times. However, the representatives were simply too excited by Trump’s words and had to be forcibly removed from the chamber by the sergeant at arms.

The chanting and cheers continued as the republican representatives resisted their ejection in what many are now calling “reverse January 6th”.

“I don’t know why we were kicked out, sure they were disruptions, but they were positive disruptions,” explained Senator Ted Cruz outside the Capitol. “Yes, I was chanting at the top of my lungs but how could you not? It’s not everyday you get to meet your second favorite president.”

When Trump was finally able to continue highlighting his accomplishments, Rep. Johnson noted that Democrats were also disruptive by engaging in subtle and not so subtle protests against the president. Some held up signs saying, “MUSK STEALS”, “SAVE MEDICAID” and “I LIKE ROCKS” (but that last one might have been about something else) whilst others wore pink or the colors of the Ukrainian flag which really clash.

The House Speaker then called for all these members to ejected from the chamber as well and finally Rep. Johnson ejected himself for banging his gavel too loudly. This left the building entirely empty but for Trump.

Undeterred, the president continued his speech to an empty room. It is unclear what was said as no one was their to witness it. Republicans are now stumped as to what to do policy-wise as the popular riddle asks, “If a Trump makes a speech in an empty congress hall and no one is there to hear it, do his tariffs still apply?”

Rep. Al Green’s whereabouts remain unknown although he is now presumed dead.

Stick with Wall Street Meams Dot Com for more political discourse that’s up to the minute (but obviously not this exact minute, or the next one, just, I meant whatever minute I’m writing about, leave me alone.).

FOR MORE TRUMP NEWS READ: Willy Wonka To Sue Donald Trump For Stealing ‘Golden Ticket’ Idea

Breaking news: Will Smith has killed a man at this year’s Oscars. The actor who was barred from ever hitting anyone again because it’s illegal was not allowed at this year’s Oscars. He did show up to the ceremony, however, but this year… he’d been working out.

Smith took his hand and, for some reason, targeted Bowen Yang and slapped him so hard that he died. Thankfully, Smith himself was only minorly concussed and received an Oscar for his performance. Critics are lead to believe that although the incident occured only three years ago it is still topical and worthy of writing a joke article about.

Now Will Smith’s murder of Bowen Yang will likely be the thing he is remembered for and not Wild Wild West.

Conan O’Brien commenting on the scene of the crime commented, “I’m just glad it wasn’t me, ya feel?” and promptly performed a backflip.

The only individual elated by this turn of events was Jada Plinket Smith, who isn’t called that anymore because they divorced or something. Not-Smith commented, “I’m just glad it wasn’t me, ya feel?” and promptly did a backflip.

For those of you who don’t keep up with movies at all, Will Smith is the first black actor to ever kill someone live on stage at the Oscars and hopefully won’t be the last. #oscarssowhite

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the ceremony, a little someone I like to call Gremlin Boy is cooking up a storm. He’s wily, he’s timely, but I’ll tell you what he’s not: gay. That’s right, it’s Timpontee CHamletn!! Put your hands together and don’t take them apart until I tell you to!

Anora.

Oh boy, we’re in for a real evening tonight [insert Oscars transcript here later] [but then actually change it to make the first joke work, like, add the Will Smith thing back in here]

[If you end up watching it and find something more topical, maybe switch out this article.]

[Also not sure about the Gremlin Boy thing? I don’t really get it.]

[Sidenote: are you OK right now? I don’t know, a lot of your work has really declined in quality recently. I don’t know if you’re using AI or just high or something, but this one in particular seems like a low point, and if you need help with your workload or anything, you can always reach out. Just let me know – Tim.]

SPRINGFIELD, IL—Local(ish) man Dorish Jallos III was shocked and embarrassed and disgusted to learn that he had been pronouncing the word “crypto” incorrectly his entire life.

“I’ve always said it how it’s spelt, ‘cry-pto’. Why would I possibly think it was any other way?” Jallos said. “But then I went to this Greek restaurant with my friends, and one of my friends, who isn’t Greek, but could be, said it like ‘crypt-o’, and I said he was wrong because he’s Greek, it’s ‘cry-pto’ and he fucking laughed in my fucking face then spat on me.”

Jallos’ friends explained to him that the correct pronunciation is actually crypto not crypto. Jallos was stunned.

“I couldn’t believe it,” he said. “I’ve been saying it wrong for like, 30 years (I got in on the ground floor). I guess I’ve only ever seen it written down or heard it spoken in a thick, thick Uzbekistani accent. I’m definitely not going to tell them how I pronounce ‘gif’.”

Jallos said he is now determined to learn how to pronounce crypto correctly. He has been practicing saying it over and over again, and whilst he is yet to master the subtleties of the inflection points, he is confident that he will eventually get it right.

“I’m never going to make that mistake again,” he said. “I’m going to be the cri… shit. The crap-o, shit… I’m going to be the crEepto pronunciation master.”

When asked why he had never questioned his pronunciation of “crypto” before, Jallos simply shrugged and said, “I’ve never really talked to anyone about it before.”

“Wait, how do you say DOGE? Like doggy, right?”

Jallos’ story is a cautionary tale for anyone who has never even questioned how to pronounce the word ‘crypto’. Turns out it’s really not how you would expect it to sound. Don’t be like Dorish Jallos III. Educate yourself today.

This article is sponsored by Skillshare.

The estate of the late chocolatier, William K. Wonka has filed a lawsuit against Donald K. Trump regarding his latest plan to offer ‘Gold Card’ Visas to the wealthy.

The Wonka estate claims that Trump, “Plagiarised the golden ticket idea fully, wholeheartedly and with malice. We demand full compensation and a golden ticket for ourselves.”

Trump’s idea differs from the master chocolatier’s promotional factory tour since the Gold Card visa cannot be discovered in a chocolate bar but must instead be purchased for $5 million. The plan aims to increase government cash flow and raise the number of immigrants entering the country, wait, no, that’s not…

“I don’t care if they’re completely different,” continued the Wonka lawsuit, “Wonka Co. has long held a trademark on the word ‘gold’ and the Trump organization has repeatedly flounced that legal ownership. We demand full ownership of Trump Tower and every gold Trump-branded item immediately, please.”

Legal experts say that Wonka is unlikely to win any such case. The lawsuit follows an increasingly litigious streak from the company after Wonka filed a claim against an unlicensed Glaswegen Wonka immersive experience last year.

Meanwhile, Trump’s gold card program is expected to launch in two weeks and adds an important new color to the ‘card’ system. You see, whilst there already exists a green card visa and a red card may be used to end a conversation, the world has never seen anything as powerful as a magic gold card before.

When asked specifically about Russian oligarchs buying the card for some reason, Trump said, “Yeah, possibly. Hey. I know some Russian oligarchs that are very nice people,” which is a normal thing for an American president to say.

The gold card will replace a similar scheme called the EB-5 which is almost identical to the gold card but has a lower price tag and doesn’t have the word ‘gold’ in it so this one’s much cooler I guess.

Meanwhile, Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory continues to… wait… what’s that? Oh no, it’s… it’s… IT’S THE UNKNOWN! AAARRRGGHGGHHHH!!!

In a shocking discovery that has shocked scientists and sent shockwaves through the scientific community, a research team has discovered that the earth’s core is not spherical as previously thought but is in fact, now get this, you won’t believe this, are you sitting down? Ok, the earth’s core is actually… a banana (in shape).

So this comes from the same self-proclaimed ‘scientists’ who recently used earthquake waves to work out that the earth’s core had recently started spinning in the opposite direction (phff, yeah, sure). And as if that wasn’t crazy enough the latest info says that the core can actually change shape (oh, yeah, pull the other one) and though once a sphere, the core may now be closer to banana-shaped (mmhmm, ok, I’ll believe it when I see the peer-reviewed paper).

A handy diagram of what is clearly a giant underground banana.

“Great, now I have to throw out all these schoolroom geology posters,” exclaimed Preston Menaris, local geology professor. “Banana is stupid and silly, why couldn’t it have been an egg? Then at least I could have just drawn the new shape over the top of the old one. A banana? That’s nothing like an egg!”

The finding has naturally fuelled conspiracy theories. Mr. Orten Mavish, High Priest of the Cult of the Banana, is one of the few excited by the news. “The Cosmic Ape is real and this proves it!” said Mavish who believes that the universe was created by an almighty, Donkey-Kong-like figure. “He’s hungry for banana! Soon we will be chimp food! Yes, soon! SOON!”

Core Values

The research also found that this is far from the core’s first shapeshift. The molten center of our planet has previously taken the shape of a diverse range objects such as a cube, an oblate spheroid, a jar of Nutella, a two-dimensional hexagon and a perfect 3-dimensional representation of Mark Wahlberg’s bald head as featured in Flight Risk (2025).

Scientists assure me that the impact of this fluctuation will be minimal and only countries like the United States, China and much of Europe will face unprecedented volcanic activity that will kill millions.

For more erotic science and tech stories hit the ‘follow’ button below.

GAZA, MOZAMBIQUE – A local man (local if you live in Gaza, Mozambique) has expressed his regret after spending $50 million of US government aid entirely on contraceptives for himself.

Eduardo Guardo, who requested he remain anonymous, explained, “What can I say? I thought I’d get lucky. Yeah, using $50 million worth of condoms would require constant sex until the heat death of the universe, but I’m a hopeful man. No, I still haven’t had sex yet but fingers crossed!”

Mr. Guardo, who remains a virgin, recently read a book on ‘pickup’ techniques to increase his chance of romance. After becoming confident in his abilities, Mr. Guardo estimated he would need at least $50 million worth of condoms. This was not the case however and Mr. Guardo in fact required $0 million worth of condoms.

“So now I’ve got this massive warehouse filled with rubbers and idk what to do with them. I thought maybe I could get into balloon animals or something.”

Mr. Guardo’s purchase became a point of controversy recently after Elon Musk claimed this was an example of government overspending. Musk however misunderstood and thought the condoms went to the Gaza Strip (which would be a problem) and not Gaza, Mozambique (which is fine, actually).

It still remains unclear if the cited overspending did indeed happen but the condoms have reportedly somehow ended up in the hands of Hamas.

“I needed a buyer, ok?” confirmed Mr. Guardo. “If they’re going to do it and I can’t stop them then I’d rather they were doing it safely, you know? You have fun, kids.”

Leaked information speculates Hamas will now sell the condoms back to the US and use the money to buy weapons. And the circle of life continues…

The President’s personal physician, Dr. Cabzo Eirangily has warned Donald Trump that, should he continue working at his current pace, he could die in a matter of minutes.

“As President Trump’s second most trusted medical source after RFK Jr., I am seriously encouraging him to take a break,” Dr. Eirangily explained. “We’re not even a month into his second presidency and so far he has… Hold on, I’ll speak in bullet points so it’s easier to follow:”

“And what, he’s expected to do this for four years? No whey hose A. I’m worried one more trade war and he might die of ‘too much president’. Just look at what happen to J’Biden.”

“I would also,” the doctor then turned directly to me and looked me dead in the eyes, “I would also like it if you would stop encouraging him.”

“You’re always writing about him, reporting on every little major thing he does and it just motivates him to do more. If you really care about this man’s health as I sure do then you’ll stop writing stories on him, OK? Deal?”

Deal.

[NOTE: This entire article has now been redacted. DO NOT READ.]

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