Pen Smith | Wall Street Memes

Now that Thanksgiving has officially run its course and all thanks have been suitably expunged, the nation is free to return to its natural unthankful state. “But what if I’m more than unthankful?” I hear you ask. “What if I’m not just unthank, but have pure hate writhing in my forsaken soul?” Well, then sir you, like most Americans would do well to know of the great seasonal tradition of ‘Hatesgiving’, a little-known national holiday that runs every year from roughly today until the day before Thanksgiving.

Many are unaware of Hatesgiving, but the tradition goes back to the first Thanksgiving which was immediately followed by the indiscriminate slaughter of billions of Native Americanos, solidifying this hateful holiday in the bowels of history.

Today Hatesgiving is celebrated across the world as a period to really just seeth with contempt and spite. For some, it can be hard to know where to begin but there are countless people for you to hate, a high school bully, a politician you don’t like the look of, a member of another race perhaps, anyone is fair game this Hatesgiving.

Christmas (which was technically invented after Hatesgiving) does represent a challenging injection of joy over the Hatesgiving period, however technically the two simply cancel each other out leading to a purely neutral state throughout December. If anything, Hategiving adherents can help fight the holiday spirit with a healthy dose of humbug, cynicism, and “Christmas gets earlier every year” comments.

A crucial component of any Hatesgiving is of course going ‘trick or tricking’ in which children go from house to house dressed as their favorite tax bracket and spit in the faces of unsuspecting adults.

Children may also partake in orchestrating convincing bomb threats, the burning of the Easter Bunny effigies, and giving one-word answers to parents who really genuinely just want to know how you’re doing. Just really get stuck into the true meaning of the season.

Again, this holiday runs effectively all year round.

How do you plan on celebrating this Hatesgiving? Will you be buying yourself a traditional Hatred Spoon? Let us know by leaving a hateful comment in the comment section down below which we definitely have activated and that you can use. xoxo

South Korean President, Yoon Suk Yeol’s bid to regain control of parliament by declaring martial law has backfired and now his opponents are looking to impeach the unpopular politician. But Yoon has found a friend in Donald Trump who reportedly rang the disgraced Prime Minister to assure him that he had nothing to worry about.

Over the hour-long phone call, Trump is said to have calmed down Yoon by saying that impeachment hardly means anything anyways.

“They said I’m like a peach or in a peach or they want to put me inside of a peach and I thought that’s not very nice I don’t even like peaches. What, I bruise easily? No, I’m a tough guy. But they said, no, they want to fire me and I said let ‘em try and they did and then they failed so I’m not sure why they kept saying peach when the peach didn’t do anything so if you’re about to get peached too I’d say let ‘em do it, they let you keep the job, if anything it makes you more popular.”

Sources who heard the call said the South Korean President responded by explaining that no, this wasn’t like a pathetic American impeachment, this would probably end his career to which Trump offered him a seat in his future cabinet. They then discussed golf for the rest of the call.

Yoon will likely be disappointed not to engage with Trump in an official capacity as Yoon is said to have taken up golf for the first time in eight years to prepare to for a Trump presidency. Thankfully Yoon will likely have much more time for golf in the near future.

Yoon is also famous for crushing it in a Halloween costume competition and being a spring onion, or something, I don’t know, I can’t read.

Pundits are still discussing why Yoon even declared martial law in the first place with some suggesting that South Korea’s declining birth rate might have been a motivation. …Oh, wait that’s ‘marital’ law. He didn’t impose that. That might have made sense.

Who knows, maybe Korea will one day be able to live in peace with its corrupt politicians but until that day I’m sure we can all agree on the definition of impeachment.

Following a growing spate of wait-can-a-president-really-do-that-now moves, Joe Biden has pardoned himself of “any wrongdoing and any crimes committed in the future and present across the universe”. When asked what specific crimes he is pardoning himself for, Biden stared back, a tinge of red in the darkness of his eyes, and said, “You’ll never know.” He then smiled and left.

Why the presidential pardon exists is still a matter of debate among historians. Some claim it was the traditional pardoning of the turkey that enshrined the practice into law. Then, during the presidency of Richard Nixon, lawyers pointed out that there was nothing stopping the president from extending the law to people. Nixon went ahead and used this loophole to pardon an associate and convicted arsonist, Walther Gaté in what became known as the Walther Gaté scandal.

With a presidential pardon, a president can just wave their magic wand and remove any convictions on any individual. Like a king, you know the thing America revolted against.

With just weeks left in office, Biden has used the pardon on himself but it is unclear if these are secret crimes of which the public is unaware, or if this is a kind of pre-pardon and the soon-to-be-ex-president plans to go on an epic bender doing every kind of drug and taking a dump on various national monuments.

Whilst he was at it, Joe Biden has also pardoned his son, Hunter Biden (no relation), just for lols. Who this ‘Hunter’ character is, what exactly he has done and why j’Biden would feel strongly enough to pardon him, all are questions lost in the mists of time. Maybe we’ll never know.

Biden now joins Trump and Clinton on the list of presidents who have pardoned their relations. Unlike those presidents though, Hunter hadn’t served his sentence yet so this one works more like a ‘get out of jail free card’.

This is a great look for any Democrat trying to say the president is not above the law and will certainly not backfire when Donald Trump is able to pardon without obstruction the historic drug crimes of one Donald Trump Jr., the historic sex crimes of one Jeffrey Epstein and Diddy, the historic animal crimes of one Joe Exotic, the historic riot crimes of everyone at January 6th, the historic fraud crimes of himself and the a-historic cybersex crimes of himself in future year 3025AD (aka CyberTrump).

For anyone interested in having their crimes forgiven please head to ‘royalpardon.com’, fill out the form with your name, crime, who you voted for, your relationship with the current or future president and they will get back to you with your pardon in 3-5 working days.

Acclaimed actor, Jack Nicholson has announced he has been forced to reenter his retirement having only just said he would return to acting to play politician Mark Gaetz.

Just two weeks ago, up-and-coming President Donald Trump named Gaetz his controversial pick for attorney general. Nicholson, who has secretly played Gaetz for years announced that he would end his retirement to take on the more public role.

In a surprise turn of events, however, Gaetz was recently dropped as Trump’s pick, and having already quit his job as Congressman, he has now turned to the celebrity video platform, Cameo, for work.

Gaetz/Nicholson is charging $500 for his Cameos in which users can pay for a personalized video message such as, ‘Happy birthday’, ‘Good luck on your veterinary exam’ or ‘I admit to paying multiple sex workers for sex acts’, whatever you feel like.

According to Jack Nicholson’s PR manager, Forston Bowls, this came as a relief to the aging actor.

“Gaetz would only pop up every now and then for a spicy congressional hearing or a sex-crime investigation so it wasn’t that much of a commitment for Jack,” Bowls previously explained. Following up on the new development he added, “Jack was pissed about having to act full-time as attorney general. I mean, he hates the character he created, feels gross just pretending to be this guy. But now it’s just doing Cameos, yeah, that’s a much easier workload for Jack. Now it can go back to being the side hobby it was always supposed to be.”

Nicholson’s performance as the congressman has earned near-universal acclaim, winning a Lifetime Achievement Oscar and a Kid’s Choice award for “Favorite Pretend Politician” narrowly beating out Meryl Streep as Nancy Pelosi.

“He began the project in the first place because I think he enjoyed the challenge,” continued Bowls. “Becoming completely immersed in a character is any actor’s dream. For this role, he only needed minimal prosthetics which was ideal. I’m still amazed so many people believe he’s a real person and not just a performance.”

Many still dispute the claim that Gaetz is Jack Nicholson with multiple ‘friends’ and ‘family members’ coming out to say, “No he just looks like that.” …but they’re probably actors too.

Acclaimed actor, Jack Nicholson has announced he has been forced to end his retirement prematurely following Donald Trump’s selection of Mark Gaetz for attorney general.

Nicholson has been playing the part of Gaetz for years but only ever saw the role as a side hobby according to Nicholson’s PR manager, Forston Bowls.

“Gaetz would only pop up every now and then for a spicy congressional hearing or a sex-crime investigation so it wasn’t that much of a commitment for Jack,” explains Bowls. “But now that this character will be attorney general, Jack’s pissed, he’s going to have to go back to acting full time.”

“I think he enjoyed the challenge,” continued Bowls. “Becoming completely immersed in a character is any actor’s dream. For this role, he only needed minimal prosthetics which was ideal. I’m still amazed so many people believe he’s a real person and not just a performance.”

Ok, so maybe Gaetz just has an odd face and well, then we shouldn’t make fun of people for how they look, they can’t control it. Unless they can… Unless Gaetz’s crazy eyebrows aren’t the result of genetics or method actor Jack Nicholson in disguise but are because of some botched botox. And if Gaetz himself has repeatedly made fun of other people for their appearance then maybe… maybe he’s fair game?

No, it’s still not ok to make fun of people for their appearance, instead we should make fun of other things like the sex trafficking allegations which Gaetz has handly avoided by resigning from Congress to head up the organization that is investigating him. A move that is now known as ‘the Trump’.

Jack Nicholson has denied all allegations.

Across the globe, millions of men cried out in pain and then immediately committed seppuku, knowing that they had lost out on the chance to be dubbed the sexiest man alive. Instead, PEOPLE Magazine’s award for the man who is objectively the sexiest goes to John ‘Jim from the Office’ Krasinski.

“Yeah, not going to lie, I’m pretty disappointed,” said 43-year-old bachelor and retired dog-euthanasiologist, Barton Meegles, from Michigan. “I know I’m not anyone famous or anything, but I think I’m pretty sexy.” Meegles then demonstrated by flexing a negligible bicep. “How can they tell he’s actually the sexiest though when they didn’t even take a look at me? This really sets my game back another five years.”

PEOPLE Magazine did, however, conduct extensive research on men up and down my wife’s ‘free pass’ list. Tests included a grueling five-mile obstacle course, a tax audit, a date with PEOPLE Magazine editor Wendy Naugle, and a blood test to discern the nominee’s midi-chlorian count.

Once the data was in, years of discussion and analysis by some of the world’s top scientists, mathematicians, and beauticians determined that indeed Krasinski is mathematically the man most filled with sex, narrowly beating notorious sex addict and convicted pervert, Slippery Steve.

Having successfully murdered the previous winner, Chris Evans, in a battle to the death, Krasinski now wears the crown for a year until his inevitable defeat by next year’s sexiest man.

The results of the most important election this year were announced during The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, accompanied by an instructional video skit explaining how you too can be sexy that is genuinely hilarious… what? Game recognize game.

PEOPLE’s Sexiest Man Dead award will be announced later in the year, with Elvis Presley, Genghis Khan, and Joe Biden pegged for the top spots.

Emily Blunt could not be reached for comment.

President-elect, Donald Trump has appointed retired wrestler Hulk Hogan to the newly created role of “Secretary Of Whoopin’ Ass” ahead of his inauguration in January.

Hogan, whose real name is embarrassingly Terry Gene Bollea, will serve in the new role focused on domestic, foreign and wrestling policy.

Donning swimming goggles, a red bandana, and a red suit with the sleeves cut off, the 71-year-old addressed a crowd of reporters to accept the appointment. “I’m BACK, Hulkamaniacs! America is gonna get great again, BROTHER!!! …I hereby formally accept this governmental appointment and do solemnly vow to uphold its values… err… brother.”

“January 20th. That’s the day we’re gonna smackdown on the economy. Smackdown on terrorism. Smackdown on those stickin’ illegal border crossings. Smackdown on a diplomatic solution to the Israel-Palestine war. And we’re gonna SMACK… DOWN on abortion rights! Brrrrrotha!!!!!”

How the Hulk Machine will achieve these goals remains unclear as details are slim about the precise responsibilities of the Secretary of Whoopin’ Ass. Political experts have suggested the position would involve “asses” and that said asses would then be “whooped”, hopefully figurately.

Hollywood Hogan concluded the ceremony by leaping from the stage into the crowd of reporters, bodyslamming FOX News political correspondent, Michael Pedri to the floor and knocking Hogan himself unconscious.

Mr. Hogan’s appointment comes after a string of similar team announcements from the president-in-waiting. Tom Hogan (no relation)… wait, sorry, Tom Homan, with an ‘m’, and Elise Stefanik were most recently added to the team. Neither are wrestlers.

Still waiting to be picked for the team like kids lined up in the playground are desperate-to-go-viral billionaire Elon Musk and desperate-to-no-longer-be-viral politician Robert F Kennedy Jr. Neither are wrestlers.

Trump’s picks are hard on the border, hard on foreign policy but soft if left unrefrigerated. The appointments are scheduled to expire within the first few months of the administration just in time for the traditional “changing of the guard”, a staple of Trump’s government.

In other wrestlo-politicale news, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson has officially endorsed the Harris campaign commenting, “I’m not too late, am I?”

Dear Dairy,

Hey, it’s me again, you’re buddy Joseph Robinette Biden. Well, Dairy, things have come around pretty fast for old Joe, let me tell you. So, here’s the deal, I’m now officially the president un-elect and pretty soon I won’t even be that anymore!

In a couple months Don-Don (worst frienemy ever) is going to take my job and so I’m not sure what I can do until then. Am I even allowed to make laws? Am I just supposed to keep the seat warm until he gets here?

I’ve been real stuck looking for things to do, Dairy. I went outside to play for a bit but that got boring real quick. I already tidied my room like Jill (biden) told me to. She said I don’t want to leave it messy for the next guy but what if I don’t even like the next guy!!!!!

Although, maybe it would be fun to play a few pranks… hmm… Maybe I could hide the nuclear codes or stack the Supreme Court or… Ok, how about this, I slip a little whoopie cushion under a chair here, a mattress there. Dumb Don won’t even know until… Trump! Haha. Now, that’s comedy.

Kamala’s not being any fun anymore either. If I was ever bored she’d come over and have a laugh but I don’t think she’s left her room since she lost the big competition that I wasn’t allowed to even enter because I’m too old which I don’t think is fair because I’m only a little bit too older than Don-Don. Sigh. Mega-big HUGE sigh.

What to do, Dairy, what to do… I could play on my new DS. Well, it’s an old DS I got it in a flea market but it still works and it’s really good and it came with Animal Crossing: Wild World already in it. I’ve almost saved up enough bells to get the tartan rug from Tom Nook.

Oh! That reminds me, I need to ask what furniture Don’s going to keep and what I can take with me. I think last time Melania threw it all out so I’m going to ask if I can keep the curtains because I think they’ll look really cute in my new… wait, where am I even going to live? Oh.

Oh, Dairy there’s just so much to think about but nothing to do! January 20th can’t come any sooner. Anyways, bye-bye for now!

Love, Joe (biden)

Following the untimely death of the squirrel influencer, Peanut (P’Nut to his friends), President-elect Donald Trump has announced that a state funeral will be held in the pet’s honor.

Peanut’s owner and OnlyFans model, Mark ‘Squirrel Daddy’ Longo has retained possession of the body which will be embalmed and, after a funeral procession through Washington will lie in state in the Capitol’s rotunda for two weeks so the nation may pay its respects.

A squirrel ambassador was spotted visiting Vice President Harris prior to her concession speech, apparently in order to negotiate the appearance of the squirrel delegates at Peanut’s funeral.

Incumbent President Joseph Robinette Biden refused to comment saying, “Trump can’t do that you know, I’m still the president. He can’t just start having state funerals for anything he likes. I’m supposed to have the next one, not some rabid tree rat.”

Foreign dignitaries from around the world are expected to attend including the ambassador to Nigeria (that’s a really good get).

In New York it is illegal to keep wild animals as pets however Longo sought to classify Peanut as an educational creature because, I guess, he promotes pornography and that’s educational? After a dramatic raid of Longo’s property, Peanut was seized and euthanized in order to test for rabies, like how my half-brother Guiseppe died when he had a blood test but that was more of an accident because they forgot to turn the valve off or something and they sucked all the blood out of him like a raisin. RIP G.

Peanut then became a martyr for supporters of Donald Trump because… wait I don’t get it, what’s the connection? Hold on, I’ll look it up… Ok, so it’s about government oversight, Trump supporters don’t agree with the government coming for illegally held individuals like migrants or… wait no, that’s not right.

Ok, well, whatever, it doesn’t matter. Point is, now everyone’s all about this dead squirrel which is normal and now they’re going to have a big ol’ funeral with an iddy-biddy coffin it’s gonna be adorable and maybe we’ll finally get to see Trump cry.

There was another animal that was also euthanized after the seizure, a raccoon named Fred. Fred however will not receive the same funeral as he was thrown into a pit off the interstate.

Like an imminent rabid raccoon ambush, election day is nearly upon us. In these final moments, Donald Trump is busy securing crucial résumé experience should November 5th not go his way.

Trump already established himself as a “highly motivated individual” when he successfully caused an E. coli outbreak during one McDonald’s shift. But now he seeks to demonstrate that he is “highly flexible and a quick learner” by taking up the role of garbage man.

Don-ing a safety vest (orange, mais bien sûr) over his shirt and tie, Trump elegantly hopped aboard a refuse truck and posed for a photographic opportunity. The former president hopes that this will be evidence enough of his work experience and fill up any outstanding gaps in his employment history. Should any employer need further evidence of being a garbage man, Trump thankfully can cite multiple sexual assault allegations.

Speaking about his work experience at the following rally, Trump said he said, “How the hell do you get into this truck, it’s way up high, it’s a big one. This was a beauty! I said you didn’t have to buy it that big, right? You have to get it that big?”

Next on the campaign trail, Trump hopes to speed-run multiple occupations by visiting his local KidsZania with his dressing-up box. Trump is set for future rally appearances as several varied occupations including: optometrist, cosmetic surgeon, swamp drainer, gumball machine repairman, lexicographer, crossing guard, court jester, Republican Presidential nominee, Faberge egg manufacturer, hot dog specialist, race car driver, Wall Mart greeter, disco dancer, project analyst, air hostess, Bible salesman and horse.

Meanwhile, Kamala Harris has done NOTHING to demonstrate that she is a common man and unlike Trump has no backup option should she lose the race. It remains unclear whether she will be able to retain her job as Vice President in Trump’s White House.

Here’s hoping she can gain some much-needed extra credits before this coming Tuesday when the runaway freight train of flaming manure that is this election collides with the soft and squishy brains of the American electorate.

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