Pen Smith | Wall Street Memes

Donald “The President” Trump has reportedly hidden the official portraits of previous presidents, Barack Obama, George W. Bush and George H.W. Bush in an obscure staircase in the White House and replaced them with mirrors.

“The President thought the portraits were misleading,” explained Corniss Portiss, chairman of the official White House picture hanging committee. “He feared that guests, visitors and visitants alike would misunderstand that these were the current presidents.”

“Mr. Trump then suggested they replace all the portraits with pictures of himself. After it was explained to him that we were unable to hang the same picture multiple times, he pointed to one wall and said, ‘What about that picture of me? That’s different.’ Even though we told him that that was a mirror, he insisted that it was perfect.”

Reportedly, staff were then instructed to hang mirrors instead of the previous presidents’ portraits. It is unclear if the mirrors have any connection to the cursed mirror Joe Biden left in the White House attic for Trump to find.

“Now every wall has a mirror on it, and Mr. Trump is very happy that he can see himself in every frame.”

The moved portraits now reside at the top of the Grand Staircase leading to the White House residence, an area only used by a few staff and Obama when he wants to visit his portrait.

The location of Biden’s portrait was not given, but some suggest it currently hangs on the ceiling above Trump’s bed.

This change is just one of many Trumpifications that have been conducted at the house. Most include gilding everything, paving over rose gardens, or just generally making it all a bit more, how do I put this politely… ‘Trump’.

For more decorating tips, click here: Trump Slashes Social Security to Fund Diamond Hands Statue

After the White House said South Park, “Hasn’t been relevant for over 20 years,” both Vice President JD Vance and ICE posted stills from the controversial show ’s latest episode on X, seemingly without a drop of self-awareness.

ICE added a link to apply for a job beside a picture of the cartoon ICE agents who, in the show, go on to raid heaven and arrest all the Hispanic angels.

JD Vance, in a similar display of tone-deafness, captioned a picture of himself South-Park-ised-into-the-henchman-Nick-Nack-from-The-Man-With-The-Golden-Gun-but-with-the-face-of-the-baby-JD-Vance-meme saying “Well, I finally made it.”

It’s unclear whether either ICE or Vance have seen the episode in which both are ruthlessly mocked and criticised, but it’s possible that they have and don’t care. Either way, playing along with the joke seems in far better spirits than just saying:

“The Left’s hypocrisy truly has no end – for years they have come after ‘South Park’ for what they labeled as ‘offense’ content, but suddenly they are praising the show. Just like the creators of ‘South Park,’ the Left has no authentic or original content, which is why their popularity continues to hit record lows.” …like what the White House did.

“President Trump has delivered on more promises in just six months than any other president in our country’s history – and no fourth-rate show can derail President Trump’s hot streak.”

Like, ew, that’s just cringe. Was there ever a possibility that a cartoon could derail the President? Because no one thinks that until you deny it’s possible. They said you had a small penis, bro, I get told that all the time by my wife but do you see me crying about it to major news organisations? Yes. But have they responded to my emails? No. So get over yourself.

It makes you look thin-skinned, is my point. Man up and play along like JD Vance or ICE… oh god, did I just compliment ICE?

South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone responded to the initial criticism from the White House by saying, “We’re terribly sorry.” And in response to the latest episode’s response, quote-X-ed the ICE X-post with, “Wait, so we ARE relevant? #eatabagofdicks.”

The episode also takes pop shots at Homeland Security Chief Head, Kristi Neomoe who is seen in a recurring gag taking pop shots at small dogs in probably the funniest joke in the episode. I didn’t need to mention that, I just thought it was funny.

Idk, guy, I enjoyed it and as a man with a small penis, that takes a lot of bravery to come out and say.

For more JD Vance news (because I know that’s the only reason you’re here), click on this: JD Vance Pleads Not Guilty To Pope Murder

The White House has just announced that actress and internet obsession Sydney Sweeney will be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the nation’s highest civilian honor, for saving the economy, having good genes/jeans and for her “tireless commitment to maintaining the average male dopamine level in the 21st century.”

The announcement, made via an emergency press briefing and a shirtless Jake Tapper TikTok duet, sparked celebration across Reddit threads, X accounts with anime profile pictures, and the offices of every hedge fund junior analyst named “Chad.”

Sweeney, 27, known for her roles in prestige television and for somehow turning a simple tank top into a nationwide distraction, reportedly accepted the award with humility and a cryptic Instagram caption that read, “🍒✨thank you Mr. Prez✨🍒.”

Financial markets reacted immediately. WallStreetBets declared a temporary truce on their AMC vs. Tesla civil war to launch the $SWEEN ticker, a new meme stock backed by nothing but gifs and raw testosterone. Within minutes, shares had surged 420% before immediately crashing when it was revealed the ticker was actually just someone’s Robinhood typo.

Meanwhile, TikTok financial influencers called the Medal of Freedom award a “strong bullish indicator.”

“This is basically the government confirming what the free market already knew,” said @stonks_gawd69 in a video captioned “$SWEEN TO DA MOOOON 🚀🚀🚀.” “Sydney Sweeney is America’s GDP now. She’s the only thing keeping this entire economy from collapsing into a pile of lithium-ion dust.”

Not everyone welcomed the move. Critics pointed out that Sweeney has yet to release an NFT, start a skincare line, or host a podcast with Logan Paul—standards traditionally required for true American heroism in 2025. A White House spokesperson confirmed those concerns were “valid,” but added that “not every legend has to sell supplements to count.”

According to leaked documents from the Department of Homeland Security, the Medal ceremony will include a 21-thirst salute, and all major streaming services will temporarily rename their “Trending Now” section to “Sydney’s Sizzle.”

When reached for comment, Sweeney simply smiled and said, “Freedom looks good on me.”

For more shitty content, click here: Coldplay Uncovers Epstein List At Concert

Stop the presses! The Epstein List has been found, and by none other than the greatest sleuths of our generation, the masters of deduction from whom no secret is safe. That’s right: Coldplay.

During an innocent kiss cam at their latest concert, Coldplay spun the camera round to a government agent who happened to be in the crowd reading a particularly dense dossier.

“What are you reading there, a newspaper?” quipped the band’s front man, Chris Martin. “It better not be the Epstein Files!”

Even though Martin meant this as a joke, from the agent’s panicked expression and failed attempt to cover up the document, fans assumed that this was in fact the Epstein client list after all.

Nearby concert goers then rushed the agent and managed to prize the pages out of his hands, before posting pictures of it online, confirming the nature of the files.

For the full contents of the Epstein Files, click here: 10 Revelations From The Epstein List That Someone Just Emailed Us

Precisely why someone brought the files to a concert, Coldplay or otherwise, why a government official was even attending a concert or why he was wearing sunglasses are all questions that will be answered in the fullness of time, but either way one fact remains clear: no secret is safe from Coldplay.

For more on this story, click here: Epstein List Revealed To Be Written In Sharpie: Trump’s Screwed

I don’t know what to tell you guys, there’s just no news. I’m sorry, I know you came here for the latest stories, but phhff we’re simply out.

I know it seems like there’s a lot going on with the wars in Gaza and Ukraine and New York, but yeah, weirdly, they just dipped today. Every single person in these conflicts just took a brief moment not to do much, so there’s nothing new there.

What else we got… Trump, he’s always good for a laugh. What you been up to? …Not much? More of the same? Ok, ok, cool.

Musky-boy, me ol’ pal Elon, can always rely on you for some good banter, right? What’s happening? …Right, right, slow for you too, huh. Okeee…

Financial newsifications: businesses looking pretty much the same. There are numbers but they’re not very interesting.

And in entertainment, yeah, there’s some new releases tomorrow, but for now, just a bit of a lull really.

Surely there must be some fluff piece we can run? No endangered puppy riding a surfboard? No? Ok, crap… Idk, just play some piano music.

Aww, look how cute he is. Not news though, this picture's from years ago. — Aww, look how cute he is. Not news though, this picture’s from years ago.

Insert Interesting News Headline Here When Something Happens

Hey, you know what, though, maybe the lack of news IS news! Maybe this random black hole of topical content is notable enough to write about after all! Yeah! That’s the spirit! So here’s the news, kids: there IS NO NEWS! How exceptional and surprising is that?!

Today will go down in history along with April 18, 1930, as the most remarkable day of all days. Even more remarkable than a day filled with things happening. Everyone will remember where they were when nothing happened and comment on how the world was not the same again.

Incredible times.

(It’ll be just my luck that this’ll go live when there’s a 2nd 9-11 or something)

For more non-stories, click here: Google Forced To Sell ‘G’ and Become ‘Oole’ In Antitrust Lawsuit

“Nothing beats a Jet2 holiday and certainly not deportation,” said a Jet2holidays spokesperson in response to the White House posting a video of a man in handcuffs dubbed with the viral TikTok audio.

“I would like to remind everyone that Jet2 does not offer deportation or imprisonment as part of our selection of exotic flights and holiday packages,” continued the spokesperson.

“The White House had no right to use our copyrighted material and they can expect a lawsuit forthwith. Forth! With!”

The British travel company, Jet2holidays also cancelled their partnership with Airforce One in retaliation for the slight but say they welcome the free publicity.

Jess Glynne, the singer behind the song, ‘Hold My Hand’, that was a part of the viral audio has also condemned the White House’s usage of the meme.

“When I wrote the heartfelt lyrics, ‘darling, hold my hand’ I did not mean with handcuffs.”

Similarly, Zoe Lister, the voiceover of the original advert, has spoken out against the video.

“When I said those heartfelt words, ‘nothing beats a Jet2 holiday’, I meant it. But now those words have been used for evil, I can never forgive myself.”

It’s all a bit weird, really. Never mind the lack of humor, taste, or professionalism, why are they using Jet2 in the first place? Don’t they have their own planes and such? It doesn’t make sense.

God, what timeline are we even in?

For more meme news, check out: “CEO Affair” Becomes the Most Interesting Thing Coldplay Has Ever Released

‘Twas the night before the Tariff Deadline, when all through the White House,
Not a deal was being struck, not even with Laos (shut up, it rhymes).
The tariff rates were displayed on poster board with care,
In the hopes that St. Donald soon would be there.

The British were nestled all smug in the UK;
Happy that their deal was the first to be made.
Vietnam was next, having halved its rate;
46 to 20, is better than great.

Indonesia, Philippines, Japan then EU,
And the deal with Korea is practically brand new.
Still in talks is China, China, China, China, China,
Which, for now, has reached a trade war ceasefire.

But that leaves Canada, Mexico and India,
Big traders still deal-less, along with Australia.
Nearly 200 countries, it’s a very long list,
Don’t check it twice, or it won’t get finished.

These deals take time and care to finesse,
But at this rate, they won’t be done before Christmas.
Trump has twice had the deadline delayed,
It’s a wonder if we’ll ever see liberation day.

Then what should my wondering eyes now behold?
But a miniature POTUS, almost eighty years old.
He was dressed in a suit, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with gristle and blood (wait, what, why blood?)
A bundle of tariffs he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a pedler just opening his pack (whatever that means).

His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the tie on his neck, it continued to grow.

He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he shouted, like a bowl full of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a funny old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, because he was funny-looking.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filed out all the tariff deals; then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his motorcade, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew to Mar-a-Lago like a missile.

But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight:
“Happy Second Liberation Day to all, and to all a good night!”

For more classic literature about tariffs, click here: The Boy Who Cried ‘Tariff’

Tesla has seen its steepest sales slump in over a decade but don’t worry, our newly returned prodigal king has a plan: copy McDonald’s. Introducing the Tesla Diner!

I mean, look at them, they’re a success, right? And what’s so different between a fast food company and a car company anyways? To flagship the pivot, Elon has launched the first Tesla Diner in Los Angeles which opened at 4:20 (yes) on Monday.

It’s just like Nicola always dreamed.

Nerd fans camped out for months to get some robot-served popcorn (classic diner food). Fried chicken, waffles, grilled cheese, tuna melts and a ‘Tesla Burger’ (made with real battery acid) were also on the menu but apparently the bots couldn’t handle that.

Elon tweeted that he wants the diner to become a chain, hoping to phase out production of cars and robots altogether and just focus on flipping burgers by 2027.

Elon McUsk… Elon McDonald… Elon MuskDonald… McDelon… oh god.

But let’s be honest, with Cybertruck happy meal boxes and EV charging ports around the outside, this is clearly just a marketing stunt. A cute pop-up built to make headlines and not much more. Maybe it’ll hang on as a quaint curiosity, but franchise material this ain’t.

Now I know no one cares about this, but I’m mostly thrown off by the aesthetic. It’s marketed as a 1950s diner and it’s playing The Jetsons on the giant LED screens. It’s going for that 50s Americana futurism, but it’s Tesla, so it has to be branded like background set dressing to a Bladerunner film. The result is a mess that can’t decide if it wants to exist in the future or in the past and ends up somewhere slap bang between the two, somewhere roughly in the 2000s, when everything was cheap silver plastic.

Anyway, that’s me off my soapbox. Back to finance or whatever. Tesla stock down, pop-up up.

Oh and the EU has banned EV cars or something? Idk, but it’s something bad for Tesla too. If only Elon was still in charge of the government…

Alright, that’s all the news for today! Have fun, lots of love, Jimmy Balls.

For more Tesla news, click here: Elon Leaves DOGE To Focus On Kids, No, Wait, Tesla

Federal investigators have confirmed that the long-awaited Epstein client list was not typed, but handwritten on a single, slightly damp cocktail napkin with a black Sharpie permanent marker. The revelation has led forensic analysts and cable news pundits to a single, damning conclusion: Donald J. Trump is, quote, “so unbelievably screwed.”

While the actual names on the list are still being deciphered due to what experts call “aggressive, near-illegible scrawling,” the choice of writing instrument has become the central focus of the investigation, eclipsing all other evidence.

“The facts are clear,” announced MSNBC’s chief forensic grapho-political analyst, Dr. Alistair Finch, pointing a wooden stick at a massive, pixelated image of a single letter ‘G’. “Note the bold, authoritative pressure. The inconsistent ink flow suggests it was wielded by someone of immense, perhaps world-leading, confidence. And, most damningly, the faint but distinct odor of n-propanol, n-butanol, and diacetone alcohol. It’s a signature scent profile we’ve only encountered once before: in the instruction manual for Trump: The Game.”

The news sent markets into a frenzy, with the newly-created ‘Sharpie Guilt Index’ ($SGI) plummeting 400 points. Meanwhile, shares in Newell Brands, the parent company of Sharpie, are being shorted into oblivion by Redditors on r/wallstreetbets who believe the brand is now “irrevocably tainted by presidential-level scrawling.”

“This changes the entire investment thesis,” explained Chad ‘DiamondHandz420’ Broskow, a financial analyst for MemeStonk Analytics. “We were pricing in guilt based on flight logs and circumstantial evidence. We completely failed to model for a Black Swan ink event. My God, the man signed executive orders with it. He autographed MAGA hats with it. It’s his Excalibur. Who else could it be? Biden writes with a dainty little fountain pen that probably costs more than my car.”

Social media has erupted with citizen sleuths examining every known photograph of Trump holding a Sharpie, comparing the cap-off-to-writing time with the estimated drying time of the ink on the napkin.

“The dots have been connected. The ink has been linked,” posted user @Q-Anonk-le-Sam on X. “They’re not even looking at the names anymore. They’re running chromatography tests on the ink. It’s over.”

The Trump campaign was quick to issue a denial. “This is a ridiculous witch hunt,” said a spokesperson in a statement. “President Trump has used many pens. Sometimes Bic. Sometimes those free ones from hotels. To suggest he has brand loyalty to a single permanent marker is frankly absurd and a distraction from the real issues, like the fact that this list was clearly written by Hunter Biden on an Adderall binge.”

When pressed for evidence, the spokesperson added, “The napkin had a slight indentation on the back, consistent with being written on a laptop keyboard. A clear sign of the Laptop From Hell.”

For now, the world holds its breath, not for the names of the powerful individuals who may be implicated, but for the results of the FBI’s mass spectrometry analysis on the felt tip.

“Forget the Lolita Express,” Dr. Finch concluded, his voice trembling with gravitas. “We’re on the Sharpie Express now. And it’s making one final, unscheduled stop at Mar-a-Lago.”

For more on this story, click here: 10 Revelations From The Epstein List That Someone Just Emailed Us

In case you’ve been living under a rock without an internet connection: Coldplay accidentally dropped their most captivating release yet: a full-blown affair involving a Fortune 500 CEO.

The band, known primarily for making music that sounds like the audio equivalent of a gentle mist, has finally achieved what critics long said was impossible for them: making people feel something. And all it took was a highly publicized romantic entanglement with a married chief executive.

The CEO of tech company, Astronomer, was caught red-faced on kiss cam with someone who apparently wasn’t his wife in a moment that’s now been completely memed out of existence.

“Honestly? Their Best Work Since ‘Parachutes.’”

“We’re not saying we condone it,” said music journalist Talia Greene, “but for the first time in 20 years, Coldplay has produced a narrative arc with actual tension. The CEO? The betrayal? The leaked Slack messages? It’s giving ‘Fleetwood Mac: Succession Edition.’”

Fans, critics, and confused shareholders alike agree: The Affair is Coldplay’s most sonically thrilling era yet, despite containing absolutely no music.

“It’s crazy,” said longtime fan @FixYouFiend. “I cried more reading that LinkedIn apology post than I ever did listening to ‘The Scientist.’ Like, there were paragraphs in italics.”

Streaming services have responded in kind. Spotify announced that “The CEO Affair (Deluxe Tabloid Version)” will be added to the band’s Essentials playlist between “Yellow” and “a surprisingly sexual Target ad jingle.”

Band Leans Into New “Drama Rock” Genre

According to insiders, the band is already working on a follow-up scandal, tentatively titled “Midnight Texts from a Shared Burner Phone”, in collaboration with Imagine Dragons and three Real Housewives.

“We’ve been exploring new directions for years,” said frontman Chris Martin, visibly glowing under the soft light of a Himalayan salt lamp. “Turns out, emotional vulnerability hits different when it’s subpoenaed.”

Meanwhile, drummer Will Champion has allegedly been seen publicly arguing with a juice bar manager in what many suspect is an early attempt to build narrative tension for the next album cycle.

Corporate Retreat Cancelled, Tour Tickets Skyrocket

The affair has done wonders for ticket sales. Coldplay’s “Music of the Spheres” tour has been rebranded to “Music of the HR Violations”, with premium VIP packages now including a nondisclosure agreement and a staged confrontation at a silent meditation retreat.

Merchandise has also taken a turn: fans can now purchase branded “Conscious Uncoupling” robes, energy crystal restraining orders, and a limited edition “Shhh, the lawyers are watching” tote bag.

Critics predict the band may never return to music at all.

“They’ve finally found their voice,” said Pitchfork’s senior editor. “And that voice is whispering, ‘You up?’ into the encrypted chat app of someone who owns a carbon-neutral jet company.”

For more music news, click here: BREAKING: Spotify Wrapped Accidentally Leaks Pentagon Secrets

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