Month: October 2023

TALLAHASSEE, FL – Governor Ron DeSantis has decided to swap his infamous boots for a more “down-to-earth” Halloween costume this year. Sources close to the Governor’s mansion have leaked that DeSantis will be dressing up as none other than one of the Seven Dwarves.

For those out of the loop, a recent viral video showcased the Governor donning a pair of boots that suspiciously seemed to have heel lifts, presumably to add a few inches to his stature.

Critics were quick to point out that the boots might be a compensatory measure for DeSantis’s height, or lack thereof. The Governor, however, has remained tight-lipped about the video, choosing instead to let his Halloween costume do the talking.

“It’s a bold move,” commented Tallahassee resident, Patty Simmons. “I mean, going as one of the dwarves? After that video? It’s like he’s saying, ‘I see your jokes and raise you a costume.'”

But the choice of a dwarf might not just be a nod to the recent boot debacle. Insiders speculate that this could also be a subtle jab at Disney amidst their ongoing legal tussle with the state. With Disney’s headquarters located in the heart of Florida, and Snow White being one of their iconic characters, DeSantis’s costume choice seems to be more than just a coincidence.

“Is it a coincidence? Maybe. Is it hilarious? Absolutely,” remarked local comedian, Jake Hernandez.

While the Governor’s office has yet to release an official statement about the costume, Floridians are eagerly awaiting Halloween night. Many are curious to see if DeSantis will fully commit to the role, complete with the oversized ears and purple hat.

One thing is for sure, this Halloween, DeSantis is set to be the talk of the town, and for once, it won’t be about his boots.

In an astonishing display of economic acumen, the United States, under the infallible guidance of Bidenomics, has successfully bolstered its national debt to a near staggering $1.7 trillion, marking a fiscal year that historians might one day refer to as “The Great Accrual.”

Sources report that White House staffers, in a burst of innovative problem-solving, have been seen digging through the cushions of sofas, desperately seeking any spare change to contribute to the national coffers. “We were hoping for loose dollars, maybe a forgotten Lincoln or two,” one anonymous staffer shared, a sense of disappointment palpable in their voice as they held up a bag of inexplicably found substances. “But all we’ve found so far is some dusty cocaine. We’re holding onto it for… uh, evidence. Yes, evidence.”

Meanwhile, the Federal Reserve has taken a more traditional approach, revving up the money printers and preparing for a fresh batch of crisp, newly minted bills. “Who needs a budget when you have an endless supply of paper and ink?” commented a Fed insider, the sound of printers whirring like music in the background. “It’s eco-friendly too; we’re recycling the economic plans from the 1920s.”

In international affairs, President Zelensky has reportedly been leaving voicemail after voicemail, puzzled why his once-frequent calls with President Biden have suddenly gone unanswered. Sources suggest the new, trendy war in Gaza has taken precedence, with funding whimsically redirected in a display of geopolitical ‘hot potato’ budgeting.

The fiscal year did indeed close with a flourish, the deficit hitting a high note at $1.695 trillion, a figure achieved through meticulous planning, such as a casual $457 billion drop in revenue and a modest cut in expenses by $137 billion – because who needs revenue when debt is the new black?

As the national debt hovers around a cool $33.6 trillion, up $10 trillion since the pre-COVID days, nostalgia for the pandemic’s simpler times is palpable. “Remember the good old days when we only had a health crisis?” mused a Treasury official while signing a $659 billion check for the interest payment on the debt.

Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen, reaffirmed the administration’s iron-clad commitment to, eventually, consider possibly thinking about addressing the long-term fiscal challenges. “We have strategies,” she announced, waving a colorful array of pie charts and bar graphs, “and we expect they might reduce the deficit, theoretically, at some point over the next decade.”.

All this economic pageantry has coincided with President Biden’s humble request for just a smidge more funding – $105 billion, give or take – for humanitarian aid amidst the latest Middle Eastern conflict.

As staffers continue their sofa excavations and the money printers hum in harmonious symphony, the nation waits with bated breath to witness which economic marvel Bidenomics will unveil next.

In a courtroom drama that’s already making headlines around the globe, the ongoing trial of Sam Bankman-Fried (SBF) has taken an even more bizarre twist. Known for its unprecedented nature, given the collapse of the FTX crypto exchange and the billions lost by its investors, the trial has now introduced a new, rather hairy artist to its proceedings.

In a world-first, and perhaps in a bid to capture the essence of the trial’s unique character, the US court has employed a chimpanzee to paint portraits from the courtroom. Yes, you read that right—a chimp with a paintbrush, dabbling in the fine arts right in the middle of one of the most talked-about trials of the decade.

The decision to use a chimp, according to inside sources, was an attempt to maintain the level of intellect of the average FTX investor while ensuring objectivity. After all, chimps are well-known for their indifference to the volatile world of cryptocurrencies. “It’s a well-known fact that chimps prefer bananas over Bitcoin,” one courtroom observer quipped.

However, early images emerging from the courtroom have raised eyebrows and elicited chuckles. The portraits, while undeniably unique, have led some to speculate that the chimp artist might be…intoxicated. Brush strokes that resemble more of a wild dance than a calculated movement, colors splashed with reckless abandon, and what appears to be the occasional banana smear have all added to the intrigue.

“It’s clear that this chimp might have had one too many fermented fruits before his courtroom debut,” said a local art critic, trying to stifle his laughter.

While the world waits for the outcome of the SBF trial, one thing is certain: the chimp’s artwork will be remembered for years to come, serving as a colorful (and slightly blurry) reminder of the time when the worlds of crypto, law, and primate artistry collided.

In the end, whether SBF is found guilty or not, the chimp has already stolen the show, proving once again that in the world of finance and trials, expect the unexpected. And maybe, just maybe, keep the fermented fruits away from the artist.