2024 | Wall Street Memes

Just yesterday Donald Trump said he would not be removing ‘Jerome’ ‘Jay’ ‘Powell’ from his position as chairman of the Federal Reserve. Today, however, the president-of-Christmas-future announced that he would in fact be replacing Jay with someone who’s, “A very smart girl, a lot of business sense. She’s pretty but she’s also got a good head on her. Brains too. Tremendous numbers. And she knows those numbers and she’s going to help us run the economy of this country. Here she is, Hawk…? Hawk Tuah? …what kind of a name is that?”

Hawk Tuah Girl, also known as ‘Haliey Welch’ is an internet ‘personality’ who went viral, like, years ago for humorously simulating a sex act that is too explicit to name here. Now she’s ahead of the rest as she’ll likely head up the Fed as the Fed’s head head.

(And just as an aside, I’m not making this up but the Wikipedia page for Hawk Tuah begins with an explanation of the Ancient Greek word for spit. “Onomatopoeia for spitting sounds have been attested since time immemorial,” who writes this stuff?)

The news comes after Hawk has been accused of running a pump-and-dump crypto scam with her memecoin, HAWK, which has dropped a massive 91% since its first release. Billions have now lost their life savings and Tuah is facing multiple disgruntled looks from fans and distant cousins alike.

“She’s someone you want running your economy. They’re calling her a scam but if she got money that’s not a scam that makes her smart. The people in my government are going to be people who make money, not lose money. I don’t need losers. And Hawk-Girl is not a loser. She’s a winner.”

Hawk Tuah runs a podcast cleverly titled Talk Tuah and a dating advice app not-so-cleverly called Pookie Tools. I don’t get that last one, is that a pun or what? She’s not had Trump on the podcast but she was once asked if she would hawk-tuah Donald Trump, which is a normal thing to ask a person, and she said, “It’s a no from me.”

We are barely weeks away from the end of 2024 and God shalt not let mine soul rest. There’s always time for a topical crossover. We have to squeeze every last drop of 2024 memes out of this year. In the split seconds before the clock strikes twelve on New Year’s Eve we’ll all be writhing on the floor chanting Hawk Tuah crypto Donald Trump Jake Paul memecoin until our lungs give out. It’s called synergy and it’s what we do now.

Now that Thanksgiving has officially run its course and all thanks have been suitably expunged, the nation is free to return to its natural unthankful state. “But what if I’m more than unthankful?” I hear you ask. “What if I’m not just unthank, but have pure hate writhing in my forsaken soul?” Well, then sir you, like most Americans would do well to know of the great seasonal tradition of ‘Hatesgiving’, a little-known national holiday that runs every year from roughly today until the day before Thanksgiving.

Many are unaware of Hatesgiving, but the tradition goes back to the first Thanksgiving which was immediately followed by the indiscriminate slaughter of billions of Native Americanos, solidifying this hateful holiday in the bowels of history.

Today Hatesgiving is celebrated across the world as a period to really just seeth with contempt and spite. For some, it can be hard to know where to begin but there are countless people for you to hate, a high school bully, a politician you don’t like the look of, a member of another race perhaps, anyone is fair game this Hatesgiving.

Christmas (which was technically invented after Hatesgiving) does represent a challenging injection of joy over the Hatesgiving period, however technically the two simply cancel each other out leading to a purely neutral state throughout December. If anything, Hategiving adherents can help fight the holiday spirit with a healthy dose of humbug, cynicism, and “Christmas gets earlier every year” comments.

A crucial component of any Hatesgiving is of course going ‘trick or tricking’ in which children go from house to house dressed as their favorite tax bracket and spit in the faces of unsuspecting adults.

Children may also partake in orchestrating convincing bomb threats, the burning of the Easter Bunny effigies, and giving one-word answers to parents who really genuinely just want to know how you’re doing. Just really get stuck into the true meaning of the season.

Again, this holiday runs effectively all year round.

How do you plan on celebrating this Hatesgiving? Will you be buying yourself a traditional Hatred Spoon? Let us know by leaving a hateful comment in the comment section down below which we definitely have activated and that you can use. xoxo

Alright, let’s have some European politics, as a palette cleanser. Hear me out. French Prime Minister Michel Barnier has been ousted from his top position after pushing through a controversial budget with just three months under his belt. Why does that sound familiar…

That’s right! It’s because the same thing happened in the UK two years ago when Prime Minister (and professional lettuce impersonator) Liz Truss was forced to resign for her expired economic plan. And, although it’s not quite the same, the US government seems to be perpetually on the verge of shutdown when the budget doesn’t get pushed through in time. Much like why I’m constipated.

Anyway, back to France. So Barnier was President Emmanuel Macron’s top pick (I know, France has both, I don’t get it either, let’s move on) and that’s super embarrassing for both I bet (I don’t know, it’s not happened to me) but Macron’s probably going to be fine so that’s good for him. Meanwhile, Barnier has left the government without saying goodbye to anyone which is known as a French exit or a French leave or an Irish exit or an Irish goodbye or (if you’re French) an English exit but if I’d used that the joke wouldn’t have worked. I guess you just name an exit after whichever peoples you think are rude.

Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah, Europe’s a mess. Basically, ever since the previous election France now has these three, equally powerful political blocs, and each time one tries to do anything the other two vote it down. Like a giant game of pierre-papier-ciseaux. I guess a calcified ultra-partisan three-party system is better than a calcified ultra-partisan two-party system, right? RIGHT?

People, or at least the doom-hype train that is the news, are saying that this could spell the collapse of Europe and society as we know it. Because, you know, if France can’t get its act together maybe they won’t be all together when Ukraine needs continued support. And then Trump comes in and pulls out America’s help as well and Russia gets carte blanche to march in and take Ukraine, then Poland, then East Germany, West Germany, France, Britain and before you know it the Capitol building has a big onion-shaped dome instead of just a regular dome.

So, yeah. French politics doesn’t seem so unimportant now, huh?

In an attempt to summarize users’ listening habits, music streaming platform, Spotify has inadvertently revealed top-secret government information.

Rather than viewing their streaming figures, some Spotify users were met with a colorful presentation of CIA, NSA and FBI statistics, some of which implied war crimes, all to the tune of Chappell Roan’s 2023 hit ‘HOT TO GO!’

“Hi, America! It’s that time of year again!” the short video sequence began before displaying the message, “You conducted 3,421 undisclosed military operations this year. That puts you in the top 12% of aggressors worldwide.”

“While it’s not a competition… there is a leaderboard,” the video continued. “Your top songs were:

1. Yemeni Radio Chatter 00:84:24.4 10.08.24

2. DLL/AfterMidnight/Encoded/84_3.mp3

3. Born In The USA

4. Proj.KD.hostage.redacted.executive

4. White Noise (Spooky Version)

5. HOT TO GO!”

“Your biggest day was 12 March when 673 malware programs were successfully installed on the personal computers of Russian diplomats. Where do you find the time?”

“You conducted espionage against 46 different sovereign nations this year. But one country was on repeat, repeat, repeat… Your top country to spy on was: The United States of America. Congratulations, you played yourself.”

“You’ve changed. And so has your combat tactics. Let’s look at your 2024 Positional Implementation.” Spotify then listed 106 global coordinates linked to previously undisclosed military bases and weapons caches. “Your vibe was so Pink Pilates Princess Strut Pop.”

Users were then played a short thank-you video from Dick Cheney before the presentation concluded with, “Thanks for being complicit, until next year!”

Intelligence agencies and politicians alike have been quick to disregard the stats as entirely fabricated and called for an international arrest warrant for anyone who uses the service. One spokesperson from the CIA said Spotify’s intel can’t be accurate as agents are forbidden from listening to Chappell Roan because “She’s clearly a Russian asset”.

Since every user received slightly different information, analysts are working to decode the potentially millions of pages of government secrets now available to the public. One busy-body reporter has already pointed out that since Spotify is a Swedish company the leak may constitute an act of war.

What do you think? Is Apple Music the superior streaming service? Let us know in the comments.

Bitcoin has finally surged to a new record value of $100,000 per coin and in completely unrelated news, McDonald’s is experiencing a staff shortage as crypto bros up and down the country quit their jobs en masse.

“Everyone’s leaving, I don’t get it,” commented one flummoxed manager whilst frantically trying to take my order and man the fryer simultaneously. “People are saying crypto’s hit big, but I don’t think so and I should know, all my money’s in Tether and that’s barely changed.”

Although this manager assured me the mass walkouts were unrelated, as we spoke one employee started jumping up and down, shoving their phone screen in people’s faces and yelling, “I’m RICH!!! I’m fucking RIIIIIICH!!!! Suck my massive green candle, Derek!!” He then ripped off his shirt, threw it down on the floor, and tossed his hat into the fryer which immediately exploded.

The McDonald’s company has released a statement in an attempt to cool down the situation. “The McDonald’s family wishes to sincerely apologize for any delays experienced during this sudden staff shortage. We can assure you that not every crypto bro works at a McDonald’s, although we know it appears that way.”

“We have no intention to close any restaurants as dozens of team members have remained at their posts. I know, I guess some just like it here. However, if you could help us out by ordering less food or even heading down to Shake Shack instead for a bit that would really do us a solid. Thank you, and as always: we are hiring.”

McDonald’s has long had a love/hate relationship with the crypto market. During the 2022 crash, they mockingly Tweeted out, “how are you doing people who run crypto twitter accounts” and even put up a billboard that read, “Hey Crypto Bro’s WE ARE HIRING” (which is definitely is real and the apostrophe typo is definitely just an aesthetic choice). Well, oh, HOW the Uno reverses, LOOK who’s hiring now, huh?

McDonald’s will likely never financially recover from this.

A, definitely real, McDonald’s ad from 2022

South Korean President, Yoon Suk Yeol’s bid to regain control of parliament by declaring martial law has backfired and now his opponents are looking to impeach the unpopular politician. But Yoon has found a friend in Donald Trump who reportedly rang the disgraced Prime Minister to assure him that he had nothing to worry about.

Over the hour-long phone call, Trump is said to have calmed down Yoon by saying that impeachment hardly means anything anyways.

“They said I’m like a peach or in a peach or they want to put me inside of a peach and I thought that’s not very nice I don’t even like peaches. What, I bruise easily? No, I’m a tough guy. But they said, no, they want to fire me and I said let ‘em try and they did and then they failed so I’m not sure why they kept saying peach when the peach didn’t do anything so if you’re about to get peached too I’d say let ‘em do it, they let you keep the job, if anything it makes you more popular.”

Sources who heard the call said the South Korean President responded by explaining that no, this wasn’t like a pathetic American impeachment, this would probably end his career to which Trump offered him a seat in his future cabinet. They then discussed golf for the rest of the call.

Yoon will likely be disappointed not to engage with Trump in an official capacity as Yoon is said to have taken up golf for the first time in eight years to prepare to for a Trump presidency. Thankfully Yoon will likely have much more time for golf in the near future.

Yoon is also famous for crushing it in a Halloween costume competition and being a spring onion, or something, I don’t know, I can’t read.

Pundits are still discussing why Yoon even declared martial law in the first place with some suggesting that South Korea’s declining birth rate might have been a motivation. …Oh, wait that’s ‘marital’ law. He didn’t impose that. That might have made sense.

Who knows, maybe Korea will one day be able to live in peace with its corrupt politicians but until that day I’m sure we can all agree on the definition of impeachment.

Elon’s got a lot to jump for joy about right now. Having successfully bought his way into the next presidential administration, along with several successful rocket launches recently, now Musk is in discussions to sell insider SpaceX shares that could rocket the company to a valuation of $350 billion. This would make it the most valuable start-up on the planet(s) and enable Musk to finally achieve his dream: of buying Mars.

Now, it seems like that would be a lengthy process but since no one currently owns Mars, the purchasing method is actually quite simple: you do some bribes, baby!

First up on the bribe list is the big boys: the NASA. This shouldn’t be so hard since you have something they don’t: leverage. You see they need something you have which is: big rockets. Without them, they can’t do: space exploration. Which they love. AND they are always desperate for one thing: funding. So it’s easy, slip them a couple of Benjis to say, “Yeah you can buy the Mars, why not?” and they’ll be golden.

Next onboard the bribe train is… I don’t know. Who’s in charge here? The UN? Sure. We’ll bribe them, too, just in case.

And finally, the most important people to pay if you want to own Mars: the Official Star Registration Organization. Now this is the only universal authority to actually recognise interplanetary purchases: you get a certificate and everything. So, if Elon wants Big Red: this is a must bribe.

Once that’s all in place (and he should still be under his $350 billion budget) he can start sending rockets, baby. Now I’m no rocket scientist but Elon if you’re listening, I’d suggest sending the big ones first that way you can get more equipment across there faster.

You’re going to need a town hall: that’s a first-up, no-brainer. This will be the place where all the legal sessions will take place so you’ll want to get that settled from the start. I’m thinking of going for a classic colonial brick style, but that’s up to you.

Next, you’ll need to think about resources. If you plant wheat seeds by a water source it’s only about twenty minutes before they’re ripe for plucking which will generate gold and occasionally drop crystals which you can spend on cosmetics and level-ups. I know that doesn’t seem important right now but if you want to sustain a Martian colony that’ll really come in handy in the long run so Musk, I’d really suggest investing in this EARLY.

I mean, then you’re golden! You own the Mars. You’ve got yourself a stable economy. And you’re still a wealthy man. Who knows maybe you could rename yourself Elon Mars? I don’t know, just a suggestion.

Following a growing spate of wait-can-a-president-really-do-that-now moves, Joe Biden has pardoned himself of “any wrongdoing and any crimes committed in the future and present across the universe”. When asked what specific crimes he is pardoning himself for, Biden stared back, a tinge of red in the darkness of his eyes, and said, “You’ll never know.” He then smiled and left.

Why the presidential pardon exists is still a matter of debate among historians. Some claim it was the traditional pardoning of the turkey that enshrined the practice into law. Then, during the presidency of Richard Nixon, lawyers pointed out that there was nothing stopping the president from extending the law to people. Nixon went ahead and used this loophole to pardon an associate and convicted arsonist, Walther Gaté in what became known as the Walther Gaté scandal.

With a presidential pardon, a president can just wave their magic wand and remove any convictions on any individual. Like a king, you know the thing America revolted against.

With just weeks left in office, Biden has used the pardon on himself but it is unclear if these are secret crimes of which the public is unaware, or if this is a kind of pre-pardon and the soon-to-be-ex-president plans to go on an epic bender doing every kind of drug and taking a dump on various national monuments.

Whilst he was at it, Joe Biden has also pardoned his son, Hunter Biden (no relation), just for lols. Who this ‘Hunter’ character is, what exactly he has done and why j’Biden would feel strongly enough to pardon him, all are questions lost in the mists of time. Maybe we’ll never know.

Biden now joins Trump and Clinton on the list of presidents who have pardoned their relations. Unlike those presidents though, Hunter hadn’t served his sentence yet so this one works more like a ‘get out of jail free card’.

This is a great look for any Democrat trying to say the president is not above the law and will certainly not backfire when Donald Trump is able to pardon without obstruction the historic drug crimes of one Donald Trump Jr., the historic sex crimes of one Jeffrey Epstein and Diddy, the historic animal crimes of one Joe Exotic, the historic riot crimes of everyone at January 6th, the historic fraud crimes of himself and the a-historic cybersex crimes of himself in future year 3025AD (aka CyberTrump).

For anyone interested in having their crimes forgiven please head to ‘royalpardon.com’, fill out the form with your name, crime, who you voted for, your relationship with the current or future president and they will get back to you with your pardon in 3-5 working days.

Although Donald Trump is not the president yet and the Department of Government Efficiency (or ‘DOGE’ for short if you would like to save time and be more efficient about it by just using a shortened version of the name by taking the first letters of each word and combining them together into another pronounceable word, AKA (also known as) an ‘acronym’, then you can) is not yet up and running, Elon Musk has already started to save government time by having his followers bully government employees off social media.

Last week, Elon Musk, the world’s richest (and most beloved) man reposted two X posts with the names of four government employees. Those employees were then subjected to negativity from some of Musk’s 206 million followers, leading to at least one of the employees to delete their social media accounts.

Musk has not commented on whether the cyberbullying was performed in an official DOGE capacity or a happy byproduct. Either way, one harassed government employee has saved hundreds of hours a day, hours that they can now use to do their job. Mission accomplished.

But it isn’t just death threats and deleting their X accounts that government officials are afraid of, it’s also their jobs. Simply by ‘X’ing about any government position Elon could put pressure on an employee to leave their career without proper review. Is this too much power for one man to have? I don’t know, is over 300 billion dollars too much power for one man to have? Meh, probably fine.

Musk re-’X’ed an X from an X account called @fentasyl with a screenshot of an obscure government position and said, “So many fake jobs”. The job in question: the director of “Climate Diversification” at the United States International Development Finance Corporation (and, OK, that is a mouthful). But it makes you wonder though, does Musk think this person’s job was diversity and inclusion as many of his followers seemed to think? Or does Musk know that the job involves financial diversification, spreading assets, you know, something a successful businessman might understand? Something that, if we’re talking about climate, might direct funds to Musk’s own Tesla car company?

There’s a chance he’s right, and this specific job isn’t necessary, but there’s no chance he’s IN the right, judging someone’s necessity by their job title alone. And he’s certainly not in the right flippantly Xing about the problem and doxxing someone in the process.

When it comes to directing the internet’s anger, maybe X is a little too efficient.

Acclaimed actor, Jack Nicholson has announced he has been forced to reenter his retirement having only just said he would return to acting to play politician Mark Gaetz.

Just two weeks ago, up-and-coming President Donald Trump named Gaetz his controversial pick for attorney general. Nicholson, who has secretly played Gaetz for years announced that he would end his retirement to take on the more public role.

In a surprise turn of events, however, Gaetz was recently dropped as Trump’s pick, and having already quit his job as Congressman, he has now turned to the celebrity video platform, Cameo, for work.

Gaetz/Nicholson is charging $500 for his Cameos in which users can pay for a personalized video message such as, ‘Happy birthday’, ‘Good luck on your veterinary exam’ or ‘I admit to paying multiple sex workers for sex acts’, whatever you feel like.

According to Jack Nicholson’s PR manager, Forston Bowls, this came as a relief to the aging actor.

“Gaetz would only pop up every now and then for a spicy congressional hearing or a sex-crime investigation so it wasn’t that much of a commitment for Jack,” Bowls previously explained. Following up on the new development he added, “Jack was pissed about having to act full-time as attorney general. I mean, he hates the character he created, feels gross just pretending to be this guy. But now it’s just doing Cameos, yeah, that’s a much easier workload for Jack. Now it can go back to being the side hobby it was always supposed to be.”

Nicholson’s performance as the congressman has earned near-universal acclaim, winning a Lifetime Achievement Oscar and a Kid’s Choice award for “Favorite Pretend Politician” narrowly beating out Meryl Streep as Nancy Pelosi.

“He began the project in the first place because I think he enjoyed the challenge,” continued Bowls. “Becoming completely immersed in a character is any actor’s dream. For this role, he only needed minimal prosthetics which was ideal. I’m still amazed so many people believe he’s a real person and not just a performance.”

Many still dispute the claim that Gaetz is Jack Nicholson with multiple ‘friends’ and ‘family members’ coming out to say, “No he just looks like that.” …but they’re probably actors too.

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Hawk Tuah To Replace Jerome Powell as Fed Chairman

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Thanksgiving Is Over, Hatesgiving Begins

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