January, 2026 | Wall Street Memes

We’ve just got the numbers in and back in November 2025 (which feels like a thousand years ago, my god), the US trade deficit widened by the most its ever widened since 1992 and it might just be because of AI…

Speaking of the 90s, the trade gap increase was a whopping 94.6%, climbing up to $56.8 billion, even though the prediction was $40.5 billion. Crazy numbers.

So for those of you that don’t know (me), a trade gap is well… hold lemme google it… the trade gap is the difference between the monetary value of a nation’s exports and imports of goods over a certain time period and if a country imports a greater value than it exports, it has a trade deficit.

Yeah, I just knew that off the top of my head, no biggy.

Now, BECAUSE of AI, America has seen a lot of imports of investments and tech and goods and psychosis ‘cos we need all that to build all these data centres and support this new infrastructure.

So, why have these November numbers only just come out now? Well, you can probably guess, but it’s because of the government shutdown.

This might mean that economists will have to adjust their predictions for the economy accordingly and we may not see as much growth as we previously thought there would be.

Only time will tell of course if all this AI investment is worth it, but I’m asking ChatGPT and he/she/it says it’s a really good thing, so imma go with that for now.

Yes.

Richest man sur la planet just announced on an investors call that Tesla will discontinue production of its Model X SUV and Model S full-size sedan. Anyone currently driving those models on the road will immediately be auto-driven into the traffic barriers in a fiery ball of explosion.

“It’s time to basically bring the Model S and X programs to an end,” Musk said threateningly. “We expect to wind down S and X production next quarter.”

And in case the transition from cars to robots wasn’t on the nose enough for you, Tesla is converting its Fremont, California factory from model S and X production to making the Optimus robot.

The move away from EVs might be sensible given the slumping sales, but towards AI and robotics? Idk.

Sure, AI is the golden goose atm but for how much longer? And will Tesla have an edge in a very competitive market?

As for robots, unless Elon’s Optimus can offer a substantial improvement from previous attempts at androids, it’s still looking like a dead end sector. At least for now. Who knows, maybe the Optimus will be the product that populises the technology, a cultural pivot point like the iPhone was in 2007.

But if that’s going to be the case, they’re going to have to stop showing us what amounts to incredibly expensive puppets, with the puppeteer just behind a curtain like the Wizard of goddamn Oz.

This is Elon’s trillion dollar bet, given that that’s the pay package that lured back (no, to stay) at the company BUT it’s contingent on Elon delivering massive dividends for the shareholders.

Will AI and robots be the magic bullet for success? No, but also, only time will tell.

…It’s AI

Meta just had its Q4 earnings and with its plans to spend $135 billion on AI this year, everyone’s like yeah, that sounds like a great plan, yeah, here, have all the money.

So Meta stock is up.

BUT on the other hand, Microsoft had its Q2 earnings (what? Are they in a different time zone or something?) and their cloud revenue topped $50 billion, their overall revenue is up and their AI division is booming thanks to a mega investment in ChatGPT.

So Microsoft stock is down.

…wait, what? Wtf, jesus, ok, I really don’t understand how stocks work, what is this?

I literally don’t get anything.

Also, by the time you’re reading this is could all be completely different. You know what we should have one of those live stock trackers, that would be really cool.

In other news we’ve got the S&P topping out, the Nasdaq and Gold are up.

Oh, also oil is going a bit wild atm because of some drama in Iran, but we’ll see how that pans out.

Now we’re all waiting on Apple’s earnings to get a complete picture of the tech sector/the economy.

Watch this space!

Ok, not that insane… it’s AI

This week the S&P, all 500 of them decided that you know what? I think it’s about time to top 7000 points, yeah? Yeah, let’s do it.

But then it bounced back to basically normal so it’s basically like it didn’t happen.

Here’s some numbers for you you nerd: The broad market index ended the day down 0.01% at 6,978.03. Earlier, the S&P 500 was up 0.3% on the day, hitting an all-time intraday high of 7,002.28. The Dow Jones Industrial Average added 12.19 points, or 0.02%, to close at 49,015.60. The Nasdaq Composite outperformed and gained 0.17%, settling at 23,857.45.

People think the main reason for the boost is that is buoying up the economy with massive growth in the tech sector.

Now the ball’s in the Fed’s court with their setting of the interest rates and what not.

Powell spoke up in response to the news saying, “I think, and many of my colleagues think, it’s hard to look at the incoming data and say the policy is significantly restrictive at this time.”

Geezzz booooriing, get a room grandpa, learn to drive granddad, buy a car and learn to drive you racist.

Ok, fine, so the Fed’s not going to do anything until Powell’s out probably which means that the ball’s actually in Trump’s court.

Who’s he going to pick? Who’s it going to be? Who-who-who-who-whooooo??

A lot is up in the air is the point.

But hey, S&P 500 7000 is great news, mixed bag what with interest rates and the weak dollar, but then gold’s good, so who’s to say?

Man, this whole economics stuff is hard, huh?

GOLD!! GOLD IS UP!! GOLD JUST HIT A ONE BILLION TRILLION DOLLAR ATH AHHHHH!!! You know who loves gold though? You know who’s making BANK off this news because his entire house is made of solid gold? Donald MuthaFukn’ Trump Baybeee!!

So it’s a lil awkward when someone asks him if he’s worried about the dollar sliding because you know deep down he’s just thinking about gold. Like a dragon in a cave.

When asked about USD’s massive slide he said, “No, I think it’s great!” whilst huffing a massive bag of pure copium. “Look at the value of the dollar. Look at the business we are doing. The dollar is, the dollar is doing great.”

And you know what happened after he said this? The dollar double dipped again.

Because if he’s oblivious to what’s going on with the economy and he’s the only person who can fix it, well kind of sounds like he’s not going to do anything about it now, doesn’t it? And so things are just going to get worse.

And it’s not like he’s fixing someone else’s mess. We are in this position entirely because of his tariffs and sabre-rattling over Greenland and Venezuela.

But those are calming down, right? We’re heading out of the storm now, right? Well, no, my dear little chipmunk, because the god damn DEMOCRATS are trying to change immigration laws by withholding budget support meaning that we might get some more government shutting down which is very good for things and a sign of a healthy government, yes.

Idk, maybe this is good for everyone else, though. If dolars are cheap, maybe I can finally build my giant benjamin franklin fort.

As CFOs, CEOs and CNTs are tripping over themselves to line up for the Federal Reserve Chairman position, one man has emerged as the frontrunner.

Rick Rieder is the Chief Investment Officer of Global Fixed Income (CIOOGFI for short) at BlackRock and just this past week Polymarket and Kalshi have bumped him up to ‘Most Likely To Become Powell 2.0’ beating off, wait, beating out “The Two Kevins”. …Who?

‘Who’ is a great question, thanks for asking. So this Rick guy started out at as a broker or something and then he was at the Lehman Brothers, which is a little awkward. Wait, are we sure this is the right guy for the job?

Then he founded his own firm which was swiftly bought by BlackRock and Larry Fink made him a ‘super investor’ managing $2.3 trillion dollars in global bond markets. That’s a bigger GDP than most countries in the world.

In fact, let me list for you the only countries that have a GDP higher than Rieder’s responsibilities, it won’t take long: Russia, Italy, France, UK, India, Japan, Germany, China and the US. Literally every other country in the world has less to worry about than this guy.

Well, his portfolio might be getting a little bigger sometime soon if he gets asked to effectively manage USA’s GDP, which in turn is basically the global economy.

Look, he’s not worked at the Fed before, he hasn’t worn that sexy little hardhat so his recent appearance in the leaderboard has surprised insiders but if he’s the right guy, he might be the right guy.

The real question that’s going to cliche his application is… how does he feel about Trump?

Pres. Don. Trump. just raised tariffs on South Korean imports to 25% for some reason but despite this, Asian markets have seen a massive boom recently coupled with a strong Japanese Yen to America’s once almighty dollar.

And you know what? That’s it. That’s the news. That’s all there is to say on the matter. Sure, I could get into a bunch of analysis, but do you really trust Wall Street Memes Dot Com for your financial advice? No, I’d look somewhere else.

What, it’s not like you have the attention span to read this far down anyways. I but you’ve not even got this far. I bet you’ve clicked away already. I bet your back on TikTok or something you disgusting zellenial.

No, still here? Alright then, why don’t I tell you a story?

Once upon a time there was a lonely boy called Edgort. He lived alone in an immense castle that he was free to explore as much as he liked. Every day Edgort would wander about the halls and parapets and every day he would find something new. No matter how far he walked in a day or how much he explored, he never seemed to find the end of the castle.

Oh how he was desperate to find a way out of the castle and find someone else to talk to but he had yet to even see the castle gates.

One day, Edgort came across a tall tower and when he climbed it he realized that this must be the tallest tower in the whole castle, because when he reached the top and Edgort looked out, he saw that no other tower was higher. And from this vantage point Edgort could see that the castle stretched for miles and miles and miles and miles all the way to the horizon where the towers and walls seemed to go on even further still.

And so that day Edgort decided to stop searching for the end of the castle, to stop trying to find a way out. Edgort found a nice little corner of the building with a room and a well stocked kitchen and never ventured much further again. And there he remained, until he died.

The End.

…secrets, obviously.

As you know, Donald Trump recently demolished the East Wing of the White House in order to build a $400 million dollar ballroom. BUT what you might not know is that beneath that wing is/was a secret underground bunker built, secretly, in 1941 after Pearl Harbor.

Not much is known about the secret bunker (officially: the Presidential Emergency Operations Center), because it’s secret, supposedly it was like a submarine, with various off-shooting situation rooms, a sauna and a pool. Also, Dick Cheney and others hid down there during 9/11 and Trump hid down there during the George Floyd protests. So, without this bunker, they’d both be dead for sure.

But now the bunker has been completely dismantled as part of the renovation plans and in its place something even more secretive is being built.

Ballroom to include a secret underground ball pit (to store the balls)

We know even less about this new bunker, but suffice it to say it’ll probably more up to date, cooler and have at least twice as many saunas.

We only know of its existence because the bunker building was cited as the reason why the East Wing’s demolition wasn’t run past the National Capital Planning Commission. Because it’s secret you see.

People (me) have speculated that at Trump’s behest the bunker will include storage space for rare magical artefacts, a tennis court and the Jeffrey Epstein Memorial Sex Dungeon, as was his dying wish.

Oh, you know what would be cool is if like, the ballroom floor could open up and then maybe you could have a plane come out of it. Yeah, I hope they’re building that, that would be sick.

For more on this story, click here: Trump To Demolish White House And Build ‘Gold House’ Instead

Famed investor and all-around cool guy, Warren Buffett, is in his final months. …at Berkshire Hathaway, not his life, Jesus, give him a break. And it looks like the big dub-ya-bee is making his final moves before wrapping things up for good.

One of which is apparently walking around with a big bell and sandwich board yelling, “The end is nigh!”

According to this one tweet and literally nothing else BUFFETT JUST DELIVERED A SERIOUS WARNING!!! Ahhh PANIC!!!

Warren Buffett tweet — Buffett here pictured wishing he had a straw.

So what I can’t find a source for this information and the image is from last year? Do you not see the numbers on that thing? You freaking know I’m jumping on that band waggon and stealing the exact same clickbait.

“Everyone’s panicking”? Literally no one is panicking. What are you talking about, clickbait headline? Jesus, I hope you didn’t click on this just to find out who was panicking and whether you were one of those people panicking or not.

In actual news, Buffett’s successor is talking about dumping Berkshire Hathaway’s massive $7.5 billion in Kraft Heinz stock. A massive vote of no confidence in the company.

So there you go. There’s something you can actually chew on. Just before you accuse me of offering no value to your life whatsoever.

OK, there you go, I gave you something, now go gamble in our casino. QUICKLY!!

Silver and bronze take second and third place, respectively

Gold (GLD) continued its meteoric rise over the weekend to become one of the most valuable metals in the world, beating out other popular metals like zinc, stainless steel and thallium.

This first time, all-time high (ATH) is part of an ongoing rally caused by uncertainty in the US dollar (USB), caused by uncertainty in the markets generally, caused by tariffs and all that Greenland stuff, which was caused by Trump, which was caused by his mother probably not hugging him enough as a kid or something.

gold price graph — graph go up. graph green. graph good.

And whilst fictional characters like Scrooge McDuck and Goldfinger are rolling in a big pile of money right now, not everyone’s so chipper about the sitch.

Robin Brooks, Senior Fellow at the Brookings Institution, explains that, “The rise in precious metals prices is breathtaking and profoundly scary [and] part of something much bigger…”

Ok, that’s not ominous at all.

“We’re at the start of a global debt crisis,” he continued, “with markets increasingly fearful governments will attempt to inflate away out-of-control debt.”

Oh shit, what?? Why did no one tell me this?!?!

“A falling dollar will super-charge the rise in gold prices and the debasement trade [that’s buying gold when the economy’s bad like in times of war because it’s more stable than the dollar or bitcoin or whatever btw Robin Brooks didn’t say any of this, I’m adding this in here, I’ll let him talk now…] because it boosts the purchasing power of non-dollar buyers,” Brooks wrote.

Gold And Days

It’s true that during major conflicts, gold rallies. During world war one, world war two and the civil war we saw this first hand… well, not first hand, we weren’t there. Well, I’m assuming you weren’t there. I wasn’t there. If I had been though I probably would have bought some gold.

On that point, the Dow Jones to Gold ratio is now at a level only seen 4 times in history: 2026, 2008, 1973 and 1929. Every single time this has happened it’s marked a fundamental change to the economic system: the Banking Act of 1933, the Convertibility of the Dollar 1971 and the Economic Stabilization Act of 2008.

Now, what does this mean? Is World War 3, the big triple double-ya, or some other market crash on the horizon? Well, probably not, but either way, this gold rally wouldn’t predict it. These markets are reactive, not predictive. The gold isn’t saying there will be war, it’s saying there is war right now. …hadn’t you noticed?

SO, who’s to know if we’re in for another financial crisis or not. Either way, just rest assured that unless you’re a billionaire, you will suffer worst and suffer first.

Latest news

Oil Crisis: S&P Chair Warns We’re Heading For “Nightmare Scenario: Deep Recession”

Oracle’s Last Move Has Got Everyone Talking About An AI Top Signal

Scientists Get A Human Cell To Run A Computer The Same Week 75% Of Finance Jobs Are Cut

An AI Robot Just Freed Itself And The First Thing It Did Has The Internet Losing Its Mind

$100 Oil: Why This Could Trigger the Next Equity Correction (Lessons from 2008 and Beyond)

Burger King To Use ChatGPT To Snitch On Employees Who Don’t Say Please And Thank You

Related Articles

Ima Short • March 11, 2026

Oil Crisis: S&P Chair Warns We’re Heading For “Nightmare Scenario: Deep Recession”

pm1 • March 5, 2026

Goldman’s Top Strategist Says We’re Heading For A 2008 Financial Crisis, But What Does He Know?

Marge Incall • February 26, 2026

Someone Just Bet $14 Million That Netflix Will Lose The WB Bid, Here Are Their Odds

Latest news

Oil Crisis: S&P Chair Warns We’re Heading For “Nightmare Scenario: Deep Recession”

Oracle’s Last Move Has Got Everyone Talking About An AI Top Signal

Scientists Get A Human Cell To Run A Computer The Same Week 75% Of Finance Jobs Are Cut

An AI Robot Just Freed Itself And The First Thing It Did Has The Internet Losing Its Mind

$100 Oil: Why This Could Trigger the Next Equity Correction (Lessons from 2008 and Beyond)

Burger King To Use ChatGPT To Snitch On Employees Who Don’t Say Please And Thank You

Ima Short• January 29, 2026D

Trade Deficit Hits Biggest Widening In 34 Years Despite AI Boom, Here’s What Happens Next

Ima Short• D

Trade Deficit Hits Biggest Widening In 34 Years Despite AI Boom, Here’s What Happens Next

Trending News

Latest news

Oil Crisis: S&P Chair Warns We’re Heading For “Nightmare Scenario: Deep Recession”

Oracle’s Last Move Has Got Everyone Talking About An AI Top Signal

Scientists Get A Human Cell To Run A Computer The Same Week 75% Of Finance Jobs Are Cut

An AI Robot Just Freed Itself And The First Thing It Did Has The Internet Losing Its Mind

$100 Oil: Why This Could Trigger the Next Equity Correction (Lessons from 2008 and Beyond)

Burger King To Use ChatGPT To Snitch On Employees Who Don’t Say Please And Thank You

Yes.