Trump Demands Recount, Wants More Votes

Despite winning the 2024 United States presidential election, Donald Jonathan Trump has demanded that all the votes be recounted in what political commentators are describing as “a really dumb move.”

Tweeting from his Truth Social X account Trump wrote, “I WON and by MUCH MORE THAN THE FAKE NEWS is saying I did. WE WON EVERYWHERE!!!! STOP THE STEAL!!!!!!!”

Although advisors close to the president-elect have urged him to “take the w” and accept the sweeping republican landslide, reportedly Trump has refused, claiming the election was rigged in his favor but not in his favor enough.

“Yeah, he’s not going to let this one go,” said Preston Mobisher, senior advisor to the Trump campaign. “He really, really wanted to win Dixville Notch, New Hampshire. He was pissed when that came in as a tie and don’t think he’s going to accept the election until he gets it.”

Mobisher says Trump plans to refuse the invitation to his own inauguration and was last seen deleting congratulatory DMs from world leaders before heading to bed.

“If he… um, if he doesn’t want it, can I have it?” asked Vice President Harris in response to Trump’s refusal. “That’s how it works right? Because I’ll take it, I’ll settle for sloppy seconds, I’m not proud! *laughs maniacally*”

Weighing in on the controversy, current (yes) President Joe Biden commented, “Please Don, just take the job, I’m gonna be 82 this month. Just let me quit. Please.”

Some states have already rushed to fulfill the presidentially mandated request. One Nevada counting center was reportedly seen shaking up its giant, novelty-sized abacus to start counting all over again.

Many Americans stayed up late to find out the election results and now hope the recount won’t take too long as one voter put it, “I would very much like to sleep now please.” News hosts expressed a similar sentiment after Wolf Blitzer passed out live on air, bringing the virtual results map crashing down with him and accidentally calling the election for Al Gore in the process.

Whether counters will be able to find Trump’s missing 100% of the vote remains to be seen but one thing is for certain this may indeed turn out to be one of the most consequential, eventful, important, significant, and historicious elections of the past couple of weeks.

Back to you in the studio, Rolfe.

Latest news

Marge Incall• November 6, 2024D

Trump Demands Recount, Wants More Votes

Despite winning the 2024 United States presidential election, Donald Trump has demanded th...
Politics
Marge Incall• D

Trump Demands Recount, Wants More Votes

Despite winning the 2024 United States presidential election, Donald Trump has demanded th...
Politics

Nation Braces Itself For Exciting Night Of Paper Counting

Tonight’s the night! Election night! Like Christmas Eve but shit! America waits with bated breath. Will the country scamper down the stairs tomorrow to a brand-new bicycle or a lump of coal covered in shit?

There’s only one way to find out: stay up all night watching numbers go up very slowly. Maybe, if you’ve been extra good this year, you’ll get to see footage of rooms of people counting bits of paper. It’s like if math was a sport or the DMV had live television coverage.

So, why not get into the festive spirit and play along at home? Here are some easy steps for recreating the perfect election night right here in your living room (yes, I am hidden somewhere in your living room).

First, gather all of your friends and family into your house and have them stand in disordered lines for hours. Feel free to spice things up with a little pushing and shoving depending on what hats people are wearing. Next, cut up 150 million pieces of paper into little strips, set yourself down at the table, and count every single one of them one by one. Once you’ve counted them all, congratulations you’ve found the winner! But oopsy, the loser doesn’t like the results and demands a recount so start all over again!

To add extra realism, allocate a friend or stranger to stand in the corner shouting their guesses about how many bits of paper you might count and how you will count it. 5,672? 7.8 billion? 4? Maybe you’ll count the ones on that side of the room first and the ones on the other side later, that’s what you did last year, that will be fun, you should do that.

It’s just a bit of fun, but also don’t forget that the entire future of everything is at stake. One simple way to recreate that election night fever and ensure everyone is on edge throughout the night is to serve only espresso but spike one with a slow-acting poison. Don’t tell your guests who has been poisoned but do tell them that the number of the correct vote count is also the code to the safe containing the antidote. So get counting guys!

If done correctly your guests will leave with the perfect blend of exhaustion, boredom, and fear, regardless of who won. Who wouldn’t be excited to do this all over again in four years’ time?

Merry Electionmas everybody!

Latest news

Marge Incall• November 5, 2024D

Nation Braces Itself For Exciting Night Of Paper Counting

Tonight’s election night and there’s only one way to find out the winner: stay up all ...
Politics
Marge Incall• D

Nation Braces Itself For Exciting Night Of Paper Counting

Tonight’s election night and there’s only one way to find out the winner: stay up all ...
Politics

Apocalypse Imminent After [INSERT NEW PRESIDENT HERE] Wins Election

The results are in and [Trump-and-or-Harris CHANGE LATER] is the new President of the United States of America. After a grueling but ultimately successful few months on the campaign trail [Kamala/Trump] has officially become the first President to also be a [woman/convicted felon].

A President with these credentials will surely bring about the destruction of America as we know it. In the next few weeks expect to see riots, skyrocketing inflation, and even the beginning of World War III all thanks to [Kamala/Trump].

Despotic dictators around the world have already phoned in to announce how pleased they are with the electorate’s destabilizing choice. Russian President Vladimir Putin congratulated [Kamala/Trump] on [her/his] victory saying, “Everything is proceeding as planned. Our loyal puppet will now bring about the New Russian Order! Huzzah!”

The defeated candidate returned to their home in [idk the White House??/Florida] and has already [accepted/challenged] the results. [Republican/Democratic] protests broke out across the country but [Kamala/Trump] clamped down on their political opponents in what is being dubbed by many as the end of free speech.

The economy has already spiraled out of control with the price of gas at much higher than an all-time high and the value of the dollar at much lower than an all-time low. The price of eggs is now the price of ham and the price of ham is now the price of most clothes-still-on sexual favors.

COVID. Remember that? Yeah, that’s back too, and all because they [followed/didn’t follow] the science. People are now dying and coughing at the same time again and it’s all [Kamala/Trump]’s fault.

[PICK ONE: Kamala has immediately fulfilled her campaign promise of “We’re not going back” by unleashing a totally new, hitherto unimagined hell upon this country. OR: Trump has immediately fulfilled his campaign promise of “Make America great again” by making America as great as it was during the Great Depression.]

Newly elected Vice President, [Tim Walz/JD Vance] has yet to be seen doing much of anything.

[TEMPLATE. DO NOT FORGET TO CHANGE ON WEDNESDAY DON’T DO WHAT YOU DID LAST TIME WHEN YOU PUBLISHED THE UNEDITED VERSION AND GOT YOURSELF IN A RIGHT-OLD TIZ YOU SILLY GOOSE. THIS IS IMPORTANT ALRIGHT, DEMOCRACY ITSELF IS AT STAKE HERE YOU HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO YOUR READERS TO GET OUT FACTUAL INFORMATION AND …you’ve already hit publish, haven’t you?]

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Marge Incall• November 4, 2024D

Apocalypse Imminent After [INSERT NEW PRESIDENT HERE] Wins Election

The results are in and [Trump-and-or-Harris CHANGE LATER] is the new President of the Unit...
Politics
Marge Incall• D

Apocalypse Imminent After [INSERT NEW PRESIDENT HERE] Wins Election

The results are in and [Trump-and-or-Harris CHANGE LATER] is the new President of the Unit...
Politics

Local Man Looking Forward To Election Finishing So He “Can Go Back To Thinking About Birds”

With just a few days away from election night both presidential candidates have been ramping up their appearances and political rhetoric but there’s one man who’s looking forward to ramping down.

Local man, Tony Fallose has been following both election campaigns closely ever since they began back in a few weeks ago.

“I don’t even like politics, I just feel like I have to and it’s there, I guess,” explained Fallose in an unverified statement. “But then the more you read the more you start to form an opinion, then you get invested and before you know it it’s the only thing you can think, talk, or dream about. It’s like a baseball game that you can’t help but look at because you paid tickets to go see it.”

Tony works a regular job, just like you or me, he has a pet turtle called Oblong, just like me or you, and takes his daily COVID vaccine, just like you or I. But unlike I or you, Tony Fallose is looking forward to when the politics is over and he can return to his true passion: thinking about birds.

“I’m just sick of it, you know? Every day there’s politics. Every day! It’s exhausting. The name-calling, the war, the other war, the economics, the pretending to be interested in my taxes. No one likes economics, are you kidding me? I can’t wait for it to be over then I can just sit here and think about birds.”

“Falcon. Partridge. Rhinoceros hornbill. Now those are things people like. I don’t care about other people, what, you think I want to think about illegal immigrants or Kentucky coal miners or Tim Walz? No. I want to think about how the Florida Grasshopper Sparrow tends to have darker plumage and a larger bill than the Grasshopper Sparrow.”

Mr. Fallose will likely achieve his goal of thinking about birds come November 5th however he seemed unaware that the politics would in fact continue after the election.

“You’re kidding me, right? Then what the hell am I voting to end? Next thing you’re going to tell me that they’ll do this again in four years’ time… wait, THEY WHAT?!”

Latest news

Marge Incall• November 3, 2024D

Local Man Looking Forward To Election Finishing So He “Can Go Back To Thinking About Birds”

With just a few days away from election night both presidential candidates have been rampi...
Politics
Marge Incall• D

Local Man Looking Forward To Election Finishing So He “Can Go Back To Thinking About Birds”

With just a few days away from election night both presidential candidates have been rampi...
Politics