Author: Marge Incall

Columbus, Ohio — In a pivot from its conservative roots, Ohio is now emerging as the unlikely epicenter of progressive policies. With the legalization of marijuana and the expansion of abortion rights, the state’s unofficial new slogan, “Come for the Weed, Stay for the Abortions,” is causing both uproar and applause nationwide.

The shift began subtly but has since grown into a full-blown cultural and legislative revolution. Skeptics and traditionalists voice concerns about the state attracting a new demographic of “abortion tourists” who might choose to overindulge in the legalized cannabis. “It’s like we’re rolling out the red carpet for them,” complained a long-time resident of Dayton, reflecting the unease among some community members.

However, the progressive faction in Ohio has embraced these changes wholeheartedly. Ethel Brown, a local baker in Columbus, has become a symbol of this new era. She’s pioneering a line of cannabis-infused baked goods, offering everything from THC-laden brownies to controversial “Happy Abortion Day” cakes. “It’s about freedom of choice and expression,” Brown states, as she decorates a cake with her signature green-leaf icing.

The economic and cultural ripple effects are already being felt. Analysts anticipate a significant uptick in sales of recreational items like hacky sacks, and snack items. Surprisingly, contraceptives might see a downturn in sales, a side-effect of the relaxed stance on abortion rights.

The societal impact extends beyond economics. Ohio’s universities are witnessing a rise in applications from students eager to partake in this new social experiment. “It’s like we’ve become the new hotspot for young progressives,” notes a professor at The Ohio State University.

Conversely, the state’s more conservative residents are grappling with this rapid transformation. Town hall meetings and local forums are buzzing with debates and discussions about the long-term implications of these policies.

As Ohio charts this bold new course, it stands as a curious case study for the rest of the country. Will it become a beacon for progressive values, or is this just a momentary deviation from its traditionally conservative path? What remains clear is that Ohio, once a middle-of-the-road state, is now at the forefront of a cultural shift that defies easy categorization. Only time will reveal the true impact of its decision to say, “Come for the Weed, Stay for the Abortions.”

Are you tired of being a mere mortal among the corporate gods? Do you dream of swimming in a Scrooge McDuck-style money pool but find yourself paddling in a bowl of pennies? Fear not, my underpaid friend, for we have the secret sauce to catapult you from dining on ramen to feasting on caviar. Here are the top five absolutely sure fire ways to negotiate a better salary that are guaranteed to make you the talk of the water cooler—if not HR.

1. Choose Violence

it’s a time tested method to getting what you want, so go nuts. Tear the office to shreds, assault HR, take a dump on your bosses desk. If you can think you can overcome security, you’re surely on to a winner.

2. Blackmail

This ones a bit more sneaky, but obtain some sensitive material on the board, partners, or your boss (in the business we call it leverage). If you’d like to avoid violence, and stick more to clandestine practices this is the one for you. Illicit photos are the media of choice, but secret debt, weekend fetishes, and illegitimate children / secret families all work well.

3. Be Someone’s Son

Difficult to achieve, but if you are lucky enough to be the owner’s son, then you’re pretty much guaranteed a decent salary for doing sweet FA. Why not shoot for the stars and go for quarterly raises, a per diem, and a company Porsche while you’re at it? Side note: this method probably also allows you to take a dump on the bosses desk, or assault HR.

4. Suck Some D

I mean, this one is pretty self explanatory. It’s a dirty job, but you can’t argue with the results. It’s also the only one of these methods you can do without using your hands, and on your knees.

5. Actually Doing the Work

Keep your head down, and do the work. This is by far the longest and least likely to get you a raise. It’s not recommended, and we couldn’t find anyone actually willing to step forward to admit they have successfully negotiated a better salary employing this method.