Robert | Wall Street Memes

In a stunning display of collective muscle memory, millions of people across the globe confirmed this week that they are still writing the date as “2025” on documents despite it being very much 2026 now.

Experts say the phenomenon is most common on checks, work forms, and any situation where accuracy suddenly matters more than it did two seconds earlier.

“I know it’s 2026,” said one office worker, confidently crossing out the date for the fourth time, “but my hand refuses to believe it.”

Psychologists explain that the brain requires anywhere from three weeks to six months to accept a new year, depending on caffeine intake and how fake January feels.

Banks report a sharp increase in paperwork rejected for being “chronologically confused but emotionally understandable.” Teachers, meanwhile, have already given up correcting students, admitting that even the syllabus still says 2025 “out of spite.”

The issue appears most severe among adults who still think 2020 was “just last year,” despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Some have attempted to fix the problem by pausing before writing the date, only to confidently write 2025 slower.

Tech companies briefly proposed auto-correcting dates, but scrapped the idea after realizing people would simply fight the correction out of instinct.

One analyst described the mistake as “harmless,” noting that society has already agreed that January is a fake month where nothing counts, and you can sleep with your cousin, it’s fine.

At press time, experts warned the problem may persist until at least March and potentially into next year.

After entering into a very public spat with Marjorie Taylor Greene (green? And is it hyphenated? There’s no way of knowing…) over the release of the Epstein Files, or as I like to call them, the Epstein DOCUMENTS, Trump has now about-turned and is urging all Republicans to vote in favor of releasing the so-called Epstein documents because he definitely isn’t in them and wasn’t campaigning to keep them secret which kind of looks like he’s in them and no one wants to think that you’re best friends with a pedofile (peadophile? Is it hyphenated?) anyways the point is that Trump just realised he’s not in the Epstein file (s) because he took a close look himself and got his name removed so now if they get released he’s not in them haha, take that Democrats, he just needed a moment just to check on some things **quickly scrubs out name**, Ok, it’s good to go now, you can vote in favor of the release but only because that’s what I was planning to do the whole time and not because I removed my name from them that would be crazy and illegal? No, when the President does it, it’s not illegal.

Is that enough for an intro paragraph? Yeah? Ok.

Keyword: Epstein

I mean, that’s it, there’s not much else to say. What do you want from me you want me to embellish more? You’ve not read this far, I know you’ve not read this far. You have the attention span for the first half a second of a tik-tok video and then you black out, no way you’re reading even a hundred words.

What’s that? I still have to reach a word count? Jesus Christ, this is supposed to be my day off and I’m very drunk… Alright, FINE, chatgpt, take the wheel:

Trump Decides He’s Not In The Epstein Files, Actually
By The Unnamed Yet Deeply Exasperated Political Desk

In a surprise press conference held somewhere between a golf course and a courtroom, former President Donald J. Trump announced Monday that, upon careful review of the newly released Jeffrey Epstein files, he has determined that he is, in fact, not in them—despite several entries that appear to contain his name, handwriting, and what experts have called “a very Trump-shaped silhouette.”

“I looked through the documents very strongly, very powerfully,” Trump told reporters. “And I can tell you, with tremendous certainty, many people are saying I’m actually not in there. If anything, they put my name in as a compliment. A tribute, really.”

Trump then held up a stack of papers that, upon closer inspection, were blank except for the words “NOT ME” scribbled in Sharpie at the top of each page.

‘It’s Just People Who Look Like Me,’ Trump Explains

Asked about references to “Donald Trump,” “DJT,” and “Trump + 2” in flight logs and phone directories, Trump dismissed them as “ridiculous coincidences,” adding that “Trump is a very common name, like Smith, or Caesar.”

He continued, “There are lots of Donalds out there. It could be anyone. Could be Donatello from the Ninja Turtles. Could be Don Draper. You don’t know. Very unfair to assume it’s me.”

Trump then briefly suggested the documents may have been forged by the Biden administration, the FBI, the deep state, the shallow state, and “possibly Disney.”

Advisors Back Him Up, Sort Of

A senior aide speaking on condition of anonymity confirmed that the campaign’s official position is that Trump is “not in the files unless there’s something positive in there,” at which point they reserve the right to say “he’s always been in the files, more than anyone.”

Another advisor noted that Trump believes his presence in any document is voluntary.

“Mr. Trump views documents the same way he views subpoenas,” the aide said. “He’s only in them if he agrees to be.”

Crowd Reaction Mixed, Confused

At a rally held later that evening, supporters embraced the announcement with the same enthusiasm they typically reserve for merch tables and conspiracy theories.

“If Trump says he’s not in the Epstein files, then the Epstein files are wrong,” said Linda Harper, waving a sign that read “DOCUMENTS LIE.” “Besides, he said he didn’t know Epstein that well—just, like, in all those photos.”

Others expressed uncertainty.

“I mean… I saw the documents,” said Ray Mullins, wearing a “Make America Document-Free Again” cap. “But I also heard Trump say he’s not in them. So I guess reality’s split 50–50 right now.”

The Conclusion: A New Presidential Doctrine

Trump ended the day by unveiling what he called the “Trump Doctrine of Documentation,” which states:

Any document that mentions him negatively is fake.
Any document that mentions him positively is true and historically significant.
Any document he doesn’t like will be replaced with a document he wrote himself.

“From now on, I will be deciding which documents contain me,” Trump said. “No more surprises.”

He then departed the stage to thunderous applause, or possibly the sound of reporters head-desking—sources disagree.

If you’d like, I can also generate a shorter version, a harder-hitting satirical op-ed, or a parody news broadcast to accompany it.

NO, no thanks ChatGPT, that’ll do, I don’t care. Publish.

Peloton (PTON) just took a massive stock dip of 6% after the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission (those snakes) reported that they were recalling 833,000 bikes.

The bikes in question are called the Bike+ (more like Bike minus amiright?), sold between Jauary 2020 and April 2025 but get this the recall was sparked by just three complaints.

Ok, yes, of those three complaints, two customers were injured, and yes, of those two injuries, one was fatal and yes, regarding that one fatal injury I did make up that last detail but 833,000 bikes, a massive amount of money and lord knows how much good will thrown down the drain? Phaw!

Peloton injury diagram — yeah you can freaking die from these things so let that be a lesson to ya

“The integrity of our products and our Members’ well-being are our top priorities,” Peloton spokesperson Stephanie Tackach said in an emailed statement to TechCrunch. “We are taking this opportunity to make replacement seat posts available to all affected Bike+ users and we encourage them to contact us to receive the redesigned seat post as soon as possible.”

Awks.

Peloton? More Like ‘Lost-A-Ton’

But really this is nothing. As you might remember, back in 2023 Peloton were forced to recall an insane 2.2 MILLION exercise bikes due to similar reports of injuries.

At this point maybe Peloton should just admit their whole scheme. Get everyone hooked on Peloton and then murder them.

Yes, there’s probably more efficient ways to bump off bike riders but don’t forget that Peloton is in the pocket of big automobile who started this whole brand to get cyclists off the road. The next logical step is to simply kill them.

…Don’t ask me for my sources!

I don’t have any related articles, so here’s an article that happens to have the word ‘bike’ in it: Trump’s Son-In-Law Buys Electronic Arts For $55bn

President Donald Trump has announced new sanctions on two of Russia’s biggest oil companies after talks were recently delayed. The news caused a massive price hike in oil, surely a big nuisance to fans of cars, plastics, and well-lubricated bicycle chains.

The sanctioned companies are called Rosneft and Lukoil. Not sure that’s useful information, but it’s there, so do with that what you will.

The EU and UK have followed this with similar sanctions, which is nothing new, but Trump’s position seems to be a reversal of his somewhat Russia-friendly policy that he’s previously had had. Had had? No, that can’t be right… that he previously have had had… shut up, whatever.

The move is sure to delight Vladimir Putin, no, Vladimir Zelekinsky, sorry, I always get those two mixed up. Yeah, the Ukrainian PM has been gunning for this kind of a sanction for months. But like, does he not use oil?

Hardest hit by this news will be the largest single user of oil in the US: Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs.

Baby oil is reportedly hit as well by the sanctions as Russia is also one of the largest exporter of babies. Diddy has reportedly cancelled all 14 of his upcoming freak offs due to the sanctions and also because he’s in prison but mostly because of a the sanctions.

“I just can’t afford it anymore. What was Trump thinking?” Diddy said in a note snuck out to us from prison. “He’s certainly lost my vote.”

I’ll tell you what he was thinking Diddler: he was thinking about the children. He was thinking about you, he was thinking about me, he was thinking about a world without war, a world where everyone lives in peace, and Trump has a World Peace Prize for his efforts. Isn’t that a world that YOU want to live in? Isn’t a slightly more expensive tank of gas not worth it?

Yeah. You think of that next time you look in the mirror, you selfish ass.

If feels like when you’re buying a Ferrari (which I do all the time) half what you pay is spent on that sound. That rrrrrMMumumumumRRRRRRUUUHHHNNNmmm. You know what I mean?

Well, imagine that iconic sound but completely silent.

Yeah, pretty cool, right?

That’s what Ferrari are banking on with the Ferrari Elettrica EV, their left turn into the electric vehicle market. Look out Tesla!

Aaaaand their stocks are down 16%, 13.5 billion euros. Oops.

That’s a bit of a spanner in the works for their 9 billion euro revenue target. “I think people were expecting a higher top line – but I think it is important that we execute what we say, we cannot commit on something we cannot achieve,” said CEO Benedetto Vigna like I’ll know what that means.

Hey, it good be worse, they could be Jaguar.

But look at that thing, it doesn’t even have wheels or a seat or doors or cupholders. Obviously, the stock price fell, call that a Ferrari? It’s not even red! This isn’t a finished car, this is a piece of crap. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?

Oh wait, it’s not even a full car it’s just a chassis, the actual car will come out later. Oh well, you know what I meant.

Why is this news?

Whatever, I feel like that’s all there is to say. More stories below, click them if you want, or don’t, I’m not your Uncle.

The United States Government Of The United States Of North America has officially shut down, maybe for good. Federal employees are currently being retrained as full-time rioters, and gold just reached an ATH, all this and more coming to you live from Wall Street Memes Dot Com.

This just in: there is no more government, long live the government.

After failing to reach an agreement over the federal budget, the government gears have ground to a halt and everyone’s been told to go home.

This is the first time this has happened since 2013 (I know it feels like the government’s always shut down, though). How and why can a government simply shut down, I hear you ask? Don’t we need a government to keep running, I hear you ask? If a government can just shut down like this, then do we really need a government ever, I hear you ask?

Great question.

So, a government shuts down when the politicians can’t agree on the federal budget. Given how little politicians seem to agree these days, it’s surprising the government isn’t always shutting down.

Over the shutdown period, hundreds of thousands of workers will be furloughed, which is a word I haven’t heard since them COVID days…

Meanwhile, gold prices quietly hit an all-time high this week thanks to uncertainty in uncertainty, cementing the precious metal’s status as the only adult in the room.

Traders cheered the news by panic-buying gold bars, commemorative coins, and, for some reason, Pokémon cards, while lawmakers celebrated by leaving early for golf and publicly debating whether or not Washington should be considered “essential.”

“Markets are reacting to the realization that our leaders couldn’t pass a group project in community college,” said financial analyst Brent Callahan, polishing his tenth gold necklace of the morning. “When the people printing money are also the people threatening to stop showing up to work, investors want something shiny they can bury in their backyard.”

Meanwhile, U.S. Treasury officials attempted to calm nerves by reminding citizens that “a government shutdown is just like a vacation, except everyone loses pay, services collapse, and the world starts questioning whether we’re a serious country.”

At Costco locations nationwide, shoppers were seen loading carts with g-old Krugerrands, canned beans, and AR-15s, a survival kit financial advisors now refer to as the “Freedom ETF.” One shopper was heard muttering, “If Social Security checks stop, at least I can barter my way through the apocalypse with this 10-ounce bar.”

Wall Street insiders confirmed that hedge funds are even more excited about the shutdown, as it provides another opportunity to short America itself. “We already bet against student loans, healthcare, and the postal service,” said one hedge fund manager. “Shorting Washington is just vertical integration.”

Asked about giold’s surge, Senator Chuck Grassley reportedly replied, “Back in my day, you could buy three farms, a Chevy, and a wife for one ounce of guld. Now it just gets you a front-row ticket to society’s slow-motion collapse.”

House Republicans, meanwhile, announced they were planning a “Shutdown Gold Gala,” where donors can purchase influence with either bullion or Venmo. Democrats responded with a sternly worded group text that immediately leaked to Politico.

Economists predict that goold could soar even higher if the government continues to confuse “running a nation” with “an improv exercise performed by sleep-deprived interns.” Bitcoin advocates, however, remain optimistic that digital goouild will eventually replace real geld, although most admitted they’d still rather have something heavy enough to bash open a can of beans.

For more on this story, click here: Cramer Says Don’t Worry About Government Shut Down, Government Shuts Down

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Robert• January 3, 2026D

BREAKING: Millions Still Writing Date As 2025 By Accident

Robert• D

BREAKING: Millions Still Writing Date As 2025 By Accident

Trending News

Latest news

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Keyword: Epstein

‘It’s Just People Who Look Like Me,’ Trump Explains

Advisors Back Him Up, Sort Of

Crowd Reaction Mixed, Confused

The Conclusion: A New Presidential Doctrine

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