Pen Smith | Wall Street Memes

GAZA, MOZAMBIQUE – A local man (local if you live in Gaza, Mozambique) has expressed his regret after spending $50 million of US government aid entirely on contraceptives for himself.

Eduardo Guardo, who requested he remain anonymous, explained, “What can I say? I thought I’d get lucky. Yeah, using $50 million worth of condoms would require constant sex until the heat death of the universe, but I’m a hopeful man. No, I still haven’t had sex yet but fingers crossed!”

Mr. Guardo, who remains a virgin, recently read a book on ‘pickup’ techniques to increase his chance of romance. After becoming confident in his abilities, Mr. Guardo estimated he would need at least $50 million worth of condoms. This was not the case however and Mr. Guardo in fact required $0 million worth of condoms.

“So now I’ve got this massive warehouse filled with rubbers and idk what to do with them. I thought maybe I could get into balloon animals or something.”

Mr. Guardo’s purchase became a point of controversy recently after Elon Musk claimed this was an example of government overspending. Musk however misunderstood and thought the condoms went to the Gaza Strip (which would be a problem) and not Gaza, Mozambique (which is fine, actually).

It still remains unclear if the cited overspending did indeed happen but the condoms have reportedly somehow ended up in the hands of Hamas.

“I needed a buyer, ok?” confirmed Mr. Guardo. “If they’re going to do it and I can’t stop them then I’d rather they were doing it safely, you know? You have fun, kids.”

Leaked information speculates Hamas will now sell the condoms back to the US and use the money to buy weapons. And the circle of life continues…

The President’s personal physician, Dr. Cabzo Eirangily has warned Donald Trump that, should he continue working at his current pace, he could die in a matter of minutes.

“As President Trump’s second most trusted medical source after RFK Jr., I am seriously encouraging him to take a break,” Dr. Eirangily explained. “We’re not even a month into his second presidency and so far he has… Hold on, I’ll speak in bullet points so it’s easier to follow:”

“And what, he’s expected to do this for four years? No whey hose A. I’m worried one more trade war and he might die of ‘too much president’. Just look at what happen to J’Biden.”

“I would also,” the doctor then turned directly to me and looked me dead in the eyes, “I would also like it if you would stop encouraging him.”

“You’re always writing about him, reporting on every little major thing he does and it just motivates him to do more. If you really care about this man’s health as I sure do then you’ll stop writing stories on him, OK? Deal?”

Deal.

[NOTE: This entire article has now been redacted. DO NOT READ.]

Supposed Vice-President Johnathan ‘Deere’ Vance was finally found this week after a nationwide manhunt. The famed author of Netflix’s 2020 hit movie ‘Hillbilly Elegy’ starring Amy Adams, Glenn Close, Gabriel Basso as a significantly hotter JD Vance and INTRODUCING Owen Asztalos as a young, also hotter, J.D. Vance, wait… Where was I?

Oh yeah, the famed author and politician J (d) Vance has been conspicuously absent from Donald ‘don’t call it a comeback’ Trup’s nascent 2nd presidency. Many feared for the Vice President’s life however they just don’t understand the role of VP which is to be invisible and do nothing until you have to do a surprise last-minute campaign for president and then no one knows who you are and you lose because nobody knows who you are but also you’re a woman, wait…

Where was I? Oh yeah. SO, following Elon’s bright light outshining the real VP, J.D.’s family filed a missing person report and a month-long manhunt began. Thankfully Mr. Vance was found living safe and sound living under a large boulder in the woods in his home state of Appalachia.

When confronted by authorities eager to return him to the White House, a dirt-covered Vance reportedly hissed and spat, then howled for his wolf brothers to protect him. The wolves descended and 56 emergency service workers were killed in the ensuing battle.

Just before being mauled to death, one reporter was able to ask Vance’s opinion about Trump’s proposed purchase of Gaza to which Vance replied, “No comment.”

“JD’s a good guy, tough cookie,” said Trunmp in response to the wolf attacks. “Sure, he’s a creature of the woods, a ‘manwolf’ they’re calling him. Great VP, doesn’t get in the way.”

A recent survey showed that millions of Americans now feel cheated for even bothering to watch the VP TV debate.

One concerned citizen had this to say, “If I’d known the VP would just go and live in the woods, I would have voted for Tim Walz.”

For now, Vance will remain in the woods until this whole ‘Trump’ ‘Presidency’ thing blows over. Until then, well, I don’t know about you but he’s certainly dead to me.

RIP VP JD.

It was a day like any other, local 46-year-old Gerald Jorkins was hiking in the woods behind his house but then he stumbled open something unexpected.

“I couldn’t believe it,” explained Mr. Jorkins in an exclusive interview. “It looked just like any other woodland spring except it… It called to me.”

Jorkins then proceeded to drink from the spring despite his boy-scout training telling him not to.

“I instantly felt rejuvenated, fresher, younger. I checked my reflection and I was, I now looked at most 32. I did it, I’d found the Fountain of Youth!”

However, to his dismay, drinking from the fountain did nothing to alleviate the fact that Mr. Jorkins was still excruciatingly dull.

“I really thought I’d have something more to talk about, but my wife and friends still aren’t that interested. Turns out that being young and immortal doesn’t make you any less ordinary.”

Despite his newfound immortality, Mr. Jorkins’ life remained as monotonous as ever. He still had to go to work, pay bills, and endure awkward family gatherings. Even his newfound ability to heal rapidly from injuries failed to impress those around him.

“I’ve been hit by cars, fallen off cliffs, and even been struck by lightning, and I just bounce right back,” he said with a sigh. “My friend, Andy broke his leg the other day and that’s all anyone’s interested in now. As for me, well, it’s starting to feel like a curse more than a blessing.”

In a desperate attempt to find meaning in his endless existence, Mr. Jorkins tried extreme sports, traveled the world, and even dabbled in philanthropy. But nothing seemed to fill the void within him.

“I can live for centuries, but can I truly live?”

Mr. Jorkins has found one fan in the tech millionaire and biohacker Bryan Johnson noted for his attempts to prolong his life through extremes medical proceedures.

“Oh boy, yeah, I can relate. Being young forever certainly doesn’t make you interesting,” said Mr. Johnson on Mr. Jorkins plight. “Yes you talk to journalists and bloggers but they’re interested in you as a freakshow, not because they like you. I’ve basically had a personality transplant and tried to replace anything that was interesting about me with all this medical stuff. It’s not really succeeded.”

Mr. Johnson recently announced he would no longer be transfusing his son’s blood as part of his medical experiments.

“No, I think this Jorkins fella might be just the sustinence I need…” said Mr. Johnson.

Celebrating the new found interest from Mr. Johnson, Mr. Jorkins said, “Hey, at least I have a friend now!”

Back to you in the studio, Nathan.

LA, CAL – A local man whose unusual job postings went viral this week says he was ultimately unsuccessful at filling the vacant helicopter pilot position.

A man known only as ‘Jose’ is said to be behind the large-scale messages written with discarded timber and other construction materials, most of which simply read, “Help”. Jose said he would have written the rest of the message but didn’t have enough wood to write, “Help, experienced helicopter pilot wanted for an exciting opportunity with a competitive salary!” Jose’s hope was to attract the attention of local helicopter pilots flying overhead and they would be encouraged to apply.

Unfortunately, since the advertisement was only visible from a high altitude, the writing was only spotted when photographed on Google Maps. These images went viral and amateur internet sleuths descended, incorrectly speculating that this call for ‘help’ was, in fact, a cry for ‘help’.

The most common interpretation was that this was a victim of human trafficking who sought to escape their captor without detection by using the inconspicuous messaging system of giant wooden words. Others assumed this was the work of a stranded alien trying to hitch a lift from any passing mothership. Some even believed this was a rehearsal space for Tom Hanks to get into character for ‘Cast Away 2’.

Other words written by Jose on the same Los Angeles construction lot added speculation to the conspiracy theories. But Jose insists that words like, “LAPD, FBI, and Terrorismo” were also innocent adverts for police officers, FBI agents, and terrorists. “I run a busy recruitment agency, OK?” said Jose in a statement.

These conspiracy theories clogged up the comment sections and message boards so that actual helicopter pilots were unable to see the advert for what it really was and Jose remained helicopter-pilot-less.

It remains unclear why Jose wanted a helicopter pilot in the first place but I think it’s safe to say it was probably to help him escape human trafficking.

Kung Hei Fat Choi! Or for those of you who don’t speak Spanish, Happy Chinese New Year! Famously, China celebrates New Year’s Day on a different date to America which means that China is technically living in the future. Or the past. I don’t know. Something about time zones, or the moon or my clock batteries running out, idk, look it up.

Anyway, 2025 (plus and minus a month or so) is officially the year of the snake which China insists is just a coincidence and is in no way a political comment.

However, this has not stopped Trump from thinking everything is about him and calling the name change a personal attack.

Writing on Elon Musk’s ‘Truth Social’ social media platform, Trump Tweeted, “LAME brain CHIEna has no respect for AMERICA! Xi Jinping declares this the year of the snake, a clear attack at me and my wife MELANIA!!!! I AM NOT A SNAKE IF ANYTHING I AM A LION OR AN EAGLE KAKAWWW!!!!!!!! ChIEna must change this year to year of the EAGLE or I will increase tariffs on ChIEnese products 100000%%%!!!!!”

Trump then signed an executive order officially renaming this year ‘the Year of the Eagle’. This means that all government calendars, clocks, documentation and reports will now refer to 2025 as the year of the eagle instead.

To demonstrate, the years will now proceed as so: 2020, 2021, 2023, 2024, The Year Of The Eagle!, 2026, 2027 and so on…

It’s unclear how purely numerical clocks and calendars will adjust to the change but hey, it’s done now so, what can you do?

China has not dignified the change with a response.

President-again Donald Trump has praised actor Mark Wahlberg, saying that his latest performance in ‘Flight Risk’ (2025) was instrumental in preventing a trade war with Colombia.

“So there I was, watching Flight Rish (2025),” the now-president explained on Truth Social. “Great movie. 26% of tomatoes that watched it had a good time, did you know that? Mel Gibson. Nice guy. Mark Wahlberg, not so nice. Nasty, and I mean real nasty. Just a real piece of work. And you know he’s a piece of work because he’s bald. Not really bald of course, they just shaved his head. You can tell he shaved his head, you can see he’s not a natural bald, but otherwise, the effects were good. I believed the movie. I believe it could happen, sure.”

The diplomatic crisis (which bears no resemblance to the events depicted in the fictional film Flight Risk (2025)) began on Sunday when Colombian President Gustavo Petro barred two planes transporting deported Colombian migrants from landing. Petro said he disagreed with the use of military planes instead of passenger planes which have previously been accepted. Petro took to social media to protest but little did he know Trump also uses social media and a very public spat began.

“So I’m staring at his bald head,” continued Trump after recounting the entire plot of Flight Risk (2025). “And I’m thinking to myself. I’ve got a plane problem myself. We’re deporting these Colombian MIgrants. Colombian. MIgrants. Real nasty people, you think Bald Wahlberg is bad… But then I think to myself…”

“W.”

“B.”

“D.”

“Very simple, ‘What Would Baldberg Do’? I live by those words. Ever since I saw Flight Risk (2025). And I think, Baldberg, that sonofabitch, well he’d impose a 50% tariff increase unless Colombia lands that plane.”

“So that’s what I did. I said, ‘You don’t want your people back, that’s fine. That’s fine. But then you’ve got to pay. You’ve got to pay.’ And Colombia they said, yes. They had to say yes, I practically forced them.”

“And for that, I’d like to thank Baldberg. Rest in peace.”

Trump then announced his intention to add Flight Risk (2025) to the National Film Registry of the Library of Congress and bestow Wahlberg with the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Wahlberg has yet to accept.

A new study published in the Journal of Satirical Studies has found that people who read satire articles are likely to be more intelligent, hotter, and probably just all-round better than those who do not.

“We’re not surprised by the strength of the correlation between reading satire and intelligence and attractiveness,” said lead researcher Dr. Edmonis Espinosa. “I mean, I read satire and I’m a doctor so I’m definitely smart. As for attractiveness, well…” Dr. Espinosa then ran a hand over his particulary attractive figure, “The results speak for themselves.”

In an effort to explain the correlation between satire readers and intelligence, Dr. Espinosa hypothesizes that “Satire is often ironic and subversive, and often the jokes are so clever that they just go over people’s heads. I mean I don’t want to suck my own trumpet here but I get it. And it’s one thing to understand the jokes it’s another thing to come up with them. I mean, wow, where do they get their ideas? They must be some kind of a genius or at the very least really, really cool. It’s the kind of writing that you just look at and say, ‘There’s no way an AI could have written that, I can see why this particular author is irreplaceable. Well, I should just quit my job and dedicate myself to praising this satirical article writer full time.’”

As for why people who read satire are more attractive, Dr. Espinosa believes that it is because reading satire is really cool and only hot people are cool so if you read satire you must also be really hot. It’s basic science.

So, if you’re looking to boost your intelligence and attractiveness, Dr. Espinosa recommends adding some satire to your reading list, such as, just a random example, wallstmemes.com/news let’s say.

“Just be warned,” the doctor added with a final wink and a kiss, “start reading satire, you may not go back to reading regular news articles again! I know I don’t!”

DISCLOSURE: Dr. Espinosa’s work was partially funded by WSM and the International Board Of Satirical Article Writers.

EDIT: Since this article was first published, Mr. Edmonis Espinosa has had his doctorate revoked, all their findings have been thoroughly discredited and they have fled the country over various historic sex crimes.

WASHINGTON, DC – Mere moments after receiving a blanket pardon from Donald Justice Trump, defendants involved in the January 6th protest/insurrection/peaceful prayer circle (depending on your political affiliation) immediately started another riot.

Trump’s blanket pardon forgave 1,500 people including the leader of the Proud Boys and the ‘MAGA Shaman’ of all January 6th and fashion-related crimes. Some had already served their time whilst others were still in “a disgusted prison” as Trump called it. Once released, the individuals immediately started rioting again. It’s like it’s all they know.

When asked why they were protesting again, one man with a road cone on his head explained, “We haven’t been financially compensated for our time in jail. I’ve still got legal bills to pay and why? Because I happened to take a guided tour of the capital on the day when there also happened to be a big party outside that I wasn’t affiliated with? Nah, man. Trump’s a good guy, but today was a wash.”

Elsewhere in the chaos, an elderly lady draped in the stars and stripes was chanting, “Stop the steal! Stop the steal!” When our reporter asked what she meant by this she said, “Well, I read on the internets that Trump felt he’d been robbed. He won of course but he should have gotten even more votes and that’s why I’m out here protesting.”

When asked if she had heard this particular ‘story’ from a little-known satirical website called Wall Street Memes she said, “Yes! That’s the one! Great journalism there.” Oh, well, in that case, thank you, madam.

Another protester wearing three MAGA hats stacked on top of each other seemed to be celebrating rather than protesting. “Oh, wait, I thought this was a party?” he said. “We not celebrating getting out? Freedom? America? Eagle? Hell, that’s why I’m here, WOOOO!” The man then proceeded to shoot a firework through the rotunda window.

For a detailed explanation of the purpose and history of Presidential Pardons, click here.

As one of his many first acts as the new king of the free world, Donald Jordana Trump has written an executive order rolling back diversity, equity and inclusion (DEI) schemes that he calls “dangerous, demeaning and immoral” and if only he’d found an ‘E’ word instead of ‘demeaning’ he could have done something clever there.

A government memo written in large Sharpie letters has told federal agencies to put all diversity staff on immediate paid leave.

“Yeah, it’s a win-win for me,” commented self-proclaimed diversity hire, Eric Trump. “I don’t have to work and I still get paid? Hell yeah, what’s not to like?”

The memo gives instructions to put staff on leave, report back with how they’ve done that, submit a plan for further staff reductions, AND report any effort to disguise DEI programs with “coded or imprecise language” whatever that means, could they be more precise?

In the kerfuffle, Elon Musk has reportedly also been put on leave. Internal documents from the Office of Personal Management (OPM) suggest that Musk might have been a DEI hire all along having ticked the boxes on his application for ‘African’, ‘probably on the spectrum’ and ‘just generally unemployable’.

So to explain for the people in the back row: the idea is that DEI is supposed to compensate for those traditionally discriminated against by gender, ethnicity, sexuality, religion, disability and trivia knowledge. Opinions on DEI predictably divide along political lines with the liberal left LAMEstream media saying it’s a necessary policy to help rectify hundreds of years of injustice and unconscious biases. The conservative right COOLstream media say that it’s fundamentally unAmerican and unDemocratic and unMeritocratic and unConstitutional, people should be hired on ability, not anything else and to do so is in fact the prejudiced option.

The truth is both opinions are correct but who is right? Does DEI actually address inequality or does it just get abused? Can people hire fairly PURELY based on merit without any other biases getting in the way? The problem is not a disagreement with whether DEI works or is fair, the problem is that both sides aren’t in agreement with the initial premise that there even is any inequality. The left says there are still deeply entrenched disparities whilst some on the right say no, racism ended with Obama (or something, idk). Keep going right and the extreme opinion is that there is inequality and that’s a good thing, the wHites should be out on top, but now we’re into plain old-fashioned racism.

The difficulty is that all these arguments and opinions are all swirled up in each other making it hard to separate good-faith arguments from your classic bigotry. And that confusion isn’t helped by the left seeing that swirly mess and crying ‘racist’ because it’s the most hyperbolic retort like what I just did a paragraph ago.

Maybe that’s too forgiving to Trump. It’s hard to look at a mass firing of theoretically underrepresented people and not think it’s mean-spirited. Without an agreement on the initial problem and without an agreement on whether the solution works, it feels more like political flexing than an actual step to making things better.

What do you think? Email in or comment below with your favorite death threat.

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