Reportedly, Iran is prepping for their upcoming negotiation with President Trump by frantically studying Trump’s 1987 business book, ‘The Art of the Deal’.
“There’s some really good stuff in there,” explained Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Hosseini Khamenei whilst desperately flicking through the pages. “I’m currently on the chapter about ‘hard selling’ and it’s really illuminating. They say if you want to know your enemies, you must think like your enemies.”
Iran’s plan is that by reading Trump’s ghost-written book, they will learn the insides and the outsides of Trump’s mind. By studying his techniques, Iran might know Trump’s weaknesses in order to manipulate him during negotiations towards evil.
On the other hand, Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu has been spotted bingeing old episodes of The Apprentice.
“There’s some really good stuff in there,” explained Netanyahu whilst desperately fast forwarding through the show. “I’m currently on the episode where Meat Loaf gets fired, and it’s really illuminating. They say if you want to know your friends, you must think like Meat Loaf.”
President Trump left the G7 summit in Canada early this week in order to return to Washington and deal with those meanies over in the Middle East.
Despite being a long-time ally with Israel, Trump’s primary allegiance is to American national interests, and with Israel continuing further and further into pariah state territory, it is unclear how long Trump and Bibi can remain besties.
But Trump never liked Iran for some reason and since he was a child has rallied against them gaining nuclear weapons. But then again he pulled out of the Iran nuclear deal so you know what, I don’t get it, it’s confusing, it’s complicated, and there are a lot of moving pieces.
Maybe studying the Art of the Deal is the best way to know what’s going on…
US Rep. (Rep) MTG (Marjorie Taylor Greene) has responded to accusations that she bought shares in Palantir just days before stocks surged from a $30m ICE contract in the biggest potential insider trade since Nancy Pelosi shorted the whole US economy.
“How could I be insider trading when I’m a political outsider?” Taylor is rumored to have said. “I’m not one of those Washington Fat Cats, so how dare you accuse me of being an insider when I have worked my entire life to make sure I am very much on the outside.”
Rumors about the trades began on X in April and have since been confirmed
“They won’t even let me in the room for some meetings, I have to put my ear to the door if I want to listen. And at lunchtime, they won’t even let me sit at their table. I have to eat off the dirt outside like a dog. They say, ‘Marjorie, there are other tables, you don’t have to do that’, but they don’t know what it’s like to be a political outsider.”
Taylor Greene claims that she gave her financial advisor full control of her financial portfolio and that she only learned of the trades when the press reported on them.
“That’s how much of an outsider I am, I don’t even know what’s going on. I can barely do my job.”
Although Marjorie Taylor Greene sits on the House Committee on Homeland Security, she does not sit on the subcommittee that oversees ICE, she sits on the Subcommittee on Counterterrorism and Intelligence instead.
Although she did buy shares days prior to the massive contract that gave Palantir a 60% stock bump, it is unclear that she knew and acted upon any information that was not public. As the US Securities Exchange Act of 1934 states, trading on potentially market-moving info that hasn’t been made public is illegal, but this might just be a big coincidence.
Here’s MTG’s full statement below:
“After many successful years of running my own business, I ran for Congress to bring that mindset to Washington. Now that I’m proudly serving the people of Northwest Georgia, I have signed a fiduciary agreement to allow my financial advisor to control my investments. All of my investments are reported with full transparency. I refuse to hide my stock trades in a blind trust like many others do. I learned about my Palantir trades when I saw it in the media.”
BREAKING: In a controversial statement, a top bank has claimed that ‘money‘ (such as coins and bank cards, and all that) is still a vital part of everyday society.
In a memo that immediately tanked Dogecoin 6%, this top bank, which has chosen to remain anonymous, boldly stated:
“Despite the rise of crypto, clout tokens, and limited edition NFTs of Elon Musk’s left eyebrow, traditional money still plays a non-zero role in economic transactions.”
The news stunned the fintech community, which had recently pivoted to “vibe-based valuations” and “emotional liquidity” as part of the post-fiat enlightenment.
“Honestly, I thought we left ‘money’ behind with Blockbuster and physical touch,” said Chad Etherton, founder of the startup VenmoButForFeelings. “This is like saying we need gravity to walk.”
Markets reacted swiftly, as always, and without thinking. The Dow Jones rose 400 points in a straight line before remembering inflation exists and immediately spiraled into a trust-fall-style collapse.
Meanwhile, Bitcoin influencers gathered on a live Twitter Space titled “Fiat is Mid – Emergency Meeting.” One speaker, known only as @SatoshiButHot, passionately argued,
“We were promised a decentralized utopia where the only currency is nachos and Discord Nitro. This is betrayal!!”
Cash Matters? Based.
In a further twist, the bank clarified that “money” includes both “real money” (like dollars) and “less real money” (like whatever Robinhood says you have). Analysts from McKinsey & Company quickly translated the announcement into a 92-slide PowerPoint deck titled “Cash: The Original Crypto?”
After the dust settled, economists realized that all the bank was saying was that money is important and therefore they are still important, which is the same as not really saying anything at all really.
Retail investors, confused but eager, began panic-buying loose change. Nickel futures surged 19%, and the average Chuck E. Cheese token is now worth more than a Venezuelan Bolívar.
In other news, the Federal Reserve announced it would be “taking a long, hard look at vibes” as part of next quarter’s monetary policy. Chairman Powell reportedly said, “We’re not saying vibes are real, but… we feel like they might be. And that’s enough for rate hikes.”
It’s not funny anymore. You had your fun. You did your little ‘memes’ but now real people are getting real hurt, OK?
The big Dollar-Gee-Em-Eee: GameStop is going Game-Flop with a share price that’s more tanked than a T110E5 in World of Tanks.
That’s right, even though they gamestopped selling games and pivoted to buying ALL of the bitcoin, Gemy stock has slumped 11%, all the way down to an almost $25 share price.
This sucks for me in particular because I only just got round to watching that movie with that kid who plays the Riddler in it. Not Jim Carrey, you know, the new one with the Twilight guy, what’s his name? What’s that, Paul Dano? No, I’m pretty sure he’s called Robert Patterson.
Anyway, I watched that movie, the meme stock movie, and I thought, yeah, maybe I should get in on this whole GameStop hype. To the moon, am I right?? So I bought everything I could, I’m talking life savings, mortgages, even the last few buttons I found down my couch.
I’ve never bought shares before, but I knew this was a sure thing, so I went all in, like, yesterday, and what do I find this morning? Gone. It’s all gone. I don’t want to lose anymore, so I cash out everything just to save myself any extra damage.
So yeah, that’s where I’m at now. Not sure the Riddler’s going to make a movie about me, but at this point I think it’s the only way I’ll recoup my losses.
What was I talking about? Oh yeah, so GameStop’s lost basically all of its gains. Potentially, they could bounce back or get another gang of sweaty internet types to rally and save it again, but is a joke funny if you do it twice? Is a joke funny if you do it twice?
Maybe they’ll cash out their Bitcoin to refloat the boat or maybe, just maybe, they’ll start selling games again…
The world is still irradiated from the fallout of Elon Musk’s “really big bomb” dropped on Friday, saying that Donald Trump “is in the Epstein files. That is the real reason they have not been made public.” Which is weirdly becoming Musk’s go-to comeback.
But who hasn’t had a toxic ex accuse them of being a paedophile?
But now Musk has rescinded his words, X’ing, “I regret some of my posts about President @realDonaldTrump last week. They went too far.” he has deleted the original Tweet-shit-‘X’, and given a formal explanation for the accusation.
These will be ancient texts future historians will pore over. Poor bastards.
“I mistyped,” explained Musk. “Obviously, I meant to say Ronald Prump is in the Epstein files. He’s a completely different person who has no relation to Donald Trump. It was an honest mistake.”
Musk Frames Prump
Reportedly, federal agents tracked down a Mr. Ronald Prump in Wausau, Wisconsin, and coordinated a full-scale SWAT operation on his property. In the raid, officers arrested the individual, seized over 4GB of personal computer data, and accidentally shot his dog.
Mr. Prump is currently detained and awaiting trial.
“It’s not every day that you get to catch a big fish like this,” explained an officer involved in the raid. “But this Prump fella’s the worst of the worst. Big time pedo. We got a tip off that goes all the way to the top, so you know it’s legit.”
Mr. Prump’s lawyer denies all exculpations: “The only Epstein my client knows is his Epstein EcoTank ET-4810 A4 Colour Multifunction Inkjet Printer, C11CK57401.”
For those of you living under a rock where it’s warm and quiet and you don’t have to hear about any of this, the Epstein files (AKA the (se)X-files, AKA the pedo-files) are a collection of documents relating to ex-sex-pest J. Epstein, potentially listing numerous high profile individuals involved in his crimes.
The release of these files could potentially reveal irrefutably that Donald Trump was in cahoots with Epstein in a way that evidence like photographs, videos, flight logs, and public statements declaring their friendship never could.
Betting Degens Rejoice: Privacy, Bitcoin, and Bad Life Choices, All in One Place
If you’re looking for the best anonymous casinos in 2025 with no KYC and all the best games, well you’ve come to the right place. We’ve gathered the top crypto playhouses with more degen crypto games than you’ll ever need.
Tired of government forms asking for your blood type just to spin a roulette wheel? Sick of submitting passport photos to play virtual dice? You’re not alone. Welcome to the golden age of no KYC crypto casinos, where your wallet address is your ID, your VPN is your best friend, and your decisions are probably tax-free (and logic-free).
For the true anonymous crypto betting degens out there, we’ve rounded up the top private Bitcoin casinos of 2025 where you can ape into slots, blackjack, and more without ever revealing your real name, face, or browser history.
Let’s dive into the digital shadows.
BC.Game: The No KYC Degen Disneyland
Tagline: “Verify your vibes, not your identity.”
One of the OGs of the no KYC crypto casinos movement, BC.Game is a leading crypto casino known for its innovative features. With hundreds of games, huge community contests, and full support for Bitcoin, ETH, SHIB, and coins you’ve definitely never heard of, this place is an altcoin gambler’s paradise.
BC.Game is consistently ranked among the best no KYC casinos, making it especially appealing for privacy-focused players who value anonymity and fast, secure transactions.
Instant sign-up, no KYC required.
Built-in shitcoin swaps (because why not bet with PEPE?).
Daily bonuses, deposit bonus offers, and lucky spins that feel suspiciously addictive.
Widely considered a legit no KYC casino thanks to its security, privacy, and fast withdrawals.
BC.Game is also popular among users seeking anonymous betting sites and anonymous gambling experiences, offering a private and secure environment for crypto enthusiasts.
WSM Casino is an anonymous casino built for the true degen, offering a quick and private sign-up with no paperwork, just crypto-fueled gambling and instant action. If you’ve got a MetaMask and a dream, you’re in. Brought to you by meme legends and degen kings, this is where memes meet money… and blackjack.
If crypto casinos are a theme park, WSM Casino is the main event, the rollercoaster everyone’s lining up for. With a 5-star rating and a reputation as one of the top crypto casinos, WSM Casino delivers a buffet of casino games that’ll keep even the most restless degen entertained. From classic slots and table games to immersive live dealer games, there’s something here for every flavor of online gambling enthusiast.
Anonymous registration process, minimal info needed, privacy prioritized.
No KYC. You’re in faster than your last rug pull.
Crypto in, crypto out: BTC, ETH, USDT, and more.
Instant payouts: get your winnings fast, no waiting.
Full casino buffet: slots, roulette, live dealers with suspiciously good lighting.
Turbo-fast withdrawals because waiting is for boomers.
WSM Casino is pure memes, so if you can’t handle a doge or two with a side of pepe, you might be on the wrong side of the tracks, brother.
CoinPoker is what happens when decentralized tech meets Texas Hold ‘Em and tells KYC to go touch grass. No forms, no shady audits, just clean hands, cold wallets, and that sweet, sweet rakeback. For poker enthusiasts, CoinPoker stands out among top bitcoin gambling sites, offering a secure and private experience.
Anon tables, just like Satoshi would’ve wanted. CoinPoker is one of the most trusted anonymous casinos for poker.
Real poker with smart contracts (read: no backroom BS).
Instant crypto deposits and cashouts in USDT with the ability to withdraw funds quickly and easily.
Frequent tourneys, juicy pots, and community vibes.
CoinPoker is featured on many crypto casino sites as a leading option for anonymous play.
Vave Casino: Online Gambling, Sports Betting, and Web3 Vibes
Tagline: “Because who needs paperwork to lose a parlay?”
If you’re a sports degen who also likes blackjack at 3 AM, Vave might be your temple. This sleek, user-friendly platform is optimized for mobile betting degeneracy and supports anonymous crypto betting with zero KYC barriers. Vave stands out as a leader in sports wagering and crypto sports betting, offering a comprehensive experience for both casino players and sports enthusiasts.
Full-featured sportsbook (UFC to Uzbek ping pong) with extensive online sports betting options.
Slots, live dealers, table games, all anonymous.
Supports privacy coins like XMR for real “don’t look at me” vibes.
Tailored for sports bettors seeking a wide range of betting markets.
Vave also supports anonymous sports betting with privacy coins, ensuring your data and identity stay protected.
Pro tip: Don’t tell your girlfriend you lost three ETH on Belarusian curling.
TrustDice: The OG Provably Fair Roller’s Paradise
Tagline: “Don’t trust banks. Trust dice.”
Don’t let the minimalist UI fool you TrustDice has been around long enough to see ICOs rise, fall, and get rebranded as NFTs. It’s the private Bitcoin casino for people who want provably fair games and zero KYC nonsense. TrustDice is also featured among the top bitcoin casino sites for privacy-focused players.
Original dice games still slap.
Zero personal info required, ever.
Earn crypto while you lose it (via staking and bonuses).
Wide variety of crypto casino games, including slots, live dealer, jackpots, and more.
Like Mega Dice and other dice-focused casinos, TrustDice is committed to provably fair gaming, allowing players to independently verify game outcomes for maximum transparency.
If you’ve got a MetaMask wallet and no shame, you’re good to go. TrustDice is considered one of the most secure verification casinos and operates as a verification casino with no KYC required.
Rollbit: The Casino That’s No KYC And No KFC To Boot
Tagline: “Join us. Bet with us. Lose with us.”
Rollbit isn’t just a no-KYC casino, it’s a hub for online casino gaming and part of the new wave of many crypto casinos. It’s an entire crypto ecosystem for people who are allergic to central banks and addicted to leverage. With games, NFTs, trading, and more, it’s basically if Robinhood and Vegas had an unregulated baby.
Huge game selection with instant crypto betting.
Featured on leading crypto casino sites.
Operates as an instant casino with fast, no-verification withdrawals.
Rollbit Coin (RLB) rewards that feel like Monopoly money until they don’t.
If you’ve ever said, “I do my own research,” while betting your rent, welcome home.
Metaspins: Where Vegas Meets the Metaverse
Tagline: “Gamble in style. From your mom’s basement.”
Metaspins takes crypto betting to the next level by throwing it into a pseudo-metaverse with flashy avatars and tokenized everything. As a leader in online gaming and one of the best no kyc crypto platforms, Metaspins offers no KYC, just vibes.
Create an avatar, skip the ID check.
Wager in BTC, ETH, or whatever your Metamask will tolerate.
Loot boxes, jackpot games, NFT prizes, and borderline psychological warfare.
Metaspins is considered one of the best no kyc casino options for its innovative features and privacy-focused approach.
Great for those who want to lose money and their sense of reality in the same session.
Stake: The Crown of the Stake Empire
Tagline: “Same adrenaline, fewer lawyers.”
If you liked crypto casinos but wish they were more anonymous, Stake offers you an underground hookup with no KYC. Think of it as Stake’s rebellious little brother who dropped out of college to mine Dogecoin, an anonymous casino for privacy-focused players.
Absolutely no KYC: operates as a true kyc crypto casino.
Fast-paced games with heavy provably fair mechanics.
Crypto-only deposits, instant withdrawal for crypto cashouts, and massive wins if you’re lucky (or lying).
Rumor has it this is where crypto whales go to “unwind” after a bad pump.
Roobet: The Banana Republic of Crypto Casinos
Tagline: “All bets. No borders.”
Known for its meme-friendly interface and brand collabs, Roobet is a leading crypto casino offering innovative features and crypto gambling with near-zero friction. While they’ve flirted with regulation, Roobet Originals offers no-KYC play in select zones of the crypto Wild West, making it a KYC VPN friendly platform for privacy-conscious players. Roobet also features live dealer games from Evolution Gaming for an authentic casino experience.
Provably fair games + jackpot drops, including popular progressive jackpots.
Occasional Snoop Dogg cameos (because… why not?).
No identity checks unless you win big (so keep your wins low).
KYC VPN friendly: supports secure access from anywhere.
Use a VPN. Don’t ask questions. Just spin.
7Bit Casino: The Vintage Bitcoin Vibe
Tagline: “Retro gaming. Modern anonymity.”
7Bit is what happens when 90s arcade aesthetics and private Bitcoin casinos collide. As one of the top anonymous casinos for retro gaming fans, it’s not the flashiest, but it’s been around since BTC was under $1K, and it still doesn’t care who you are.
Classic interface, fast games, retro sounds.
Featured among leading bitcoin casino sites for its game variety and privacy.
Deposits in BTC, LTC, ETH, DOGE are truly degen-approved.
No ID, no problem, just connect and gamble.
New players can claim special promotions like BTC 50 free spins to get started.
Perfect for old-school cypherpunks who still whisper “Satoshi bless me” before hitting the slots.
FortuneJack: The Godfather of Anon Gambling
Tagline: “Before there were apes, there were dice.”
FortuneJack has been around since before it was cool to say “no KYC.” If crypto casinos had a Mount Rushmore, this place would be on it, holding a dice and flipping a coin. As a legit no KYC casino trusted by players, FortuneJack stands out for its privacy and reliability.
Legacy casino vibes with a huge selection.
No KYC unless you try to cash out a Lambo.
Sportsbook, poker, table games, dice, and suspiciously generous deposit bonuses and welcome bonuses for new and returning players.
Fully licensed with a recognized gaming license and operates under a Curaçao Gaming License.
Trustworthy, anonymous, and just sketchy enough to feel exciting. Like a mullet in casino form: business in the front, degen in the back.
BetFury: When Web3 Meets a Slot Machine
Tagline: “Spin-to-earn is the new play-to-earn.”
BetFury gamifies the entire experience. Yes, it’s a casino. Yes, it’s a faucet. Yes, you’ll probably lose your stack. But you’ll earn BFG tokens while doing it so who’s really losing? BetFury is featured on top crypto casino sites for its innovative features, including a wide variety of crypto casino games such as slots, live dealer games, jackpots, and provably fair options.
Daily crypto cashback and tokenized rewards, including btc 10 weekly cashback as part of the rewards program.
No KYC, deposit in BTC, ETH, USDT, or rage.
Live games, PvP battles, a huge selection of crypto casino games, and more Web3 buzzwords than necessary.
You don’t just bet you farm, stake, gamble, and question all your life choices.
Welcome to Degen Disneyland: An Introduction to Crypto Casinos
Step right up to the wildest ride in the online gambling industry: crypto casinos. Unlike traditional casinos, where you’re greeted by velvet ropes and a pit boss with a clipboard, crypto casinos throw open the digital doors to anyone with a wallet and a dream. Here, casino games and sports betting are just a click away, no ID check or paperwork required.
Crypto casinos have flipped the script on online casinos by offering a more secure, transparent, and, let’s be honest, way more fun way to play. Whether you’re spinning slots, hitting the tables, or sweating a last-minute goal on your favorite sports betting site, these platforms let you gamble with Bitcoin, Ethereum, and a rainbow of altcoins. The result? A global playground where privacy is king, transactions are lightning-fast, and the only thing more unpredictable than the games is the price of your favorite coin.
So, if you’re tired of the same old routine at traditional online casinos, it’s time to see what the best crypto casinos have to offer. Welcome to Degen Disneyland, where the stakes are high, the games are provably fair, and the only thing you need to bring is your crypto wallet.
Crypto vs. Traditional Casinos
Unlike traditional casinos, where you’re stuck waiting for slow deposits and withdrawals or jumping through hoops for verification, no KYC crypto casinos puts you in the fast lane. Thanks to blockchain tech, every spin and shuffle is provably fair, so you know the games aren’t rigged.
Forget the endless paperwork and ID checks, here, you get instant deposits and withdrawals, letting you jump straight into the action. Plus, crypto casinos dish out generous bonuses and exclusive crypto games you won’t find at your local brick-and-mortar. In short, it’s a modern, innovative approach to online gambling that leaves traditional casinos in the dust.
The Cashier’s Cage: Payment Options at Crypto Casino Sites
With no KYC crypto casinos, the cashier’s cage is always open, and it’s all about speed and flexibility. You can fund your casino account with Bitcoin, Ethereum, and a host of other cryptocurrencies, all through your favorite crypto wallets. Deposits are instant, withdrawals are lightning-fast, and there’s no need to stress about hidden fees or long waits.
With a low minimum deposit, no KYC crypto casinos make it easy for everyone to get in on the action, whether you’re a high roller or just testing the waters. Managing your funds is a breeze, so you can focus on what really matters: chasing those big wins and cashing out whenever you want.
Why No KYC Is King in 2025
Let’s be real: after 18 months of global regulations trying to tame the wild world of DeFi, privacy is the new yield farming. No KYC crypto casinos stand out among online gambling sites by offering enhanced privacy features, minimal identity verification, and the ability to play without intrusive checks.
In contrast, KYC casinos require extensive identity verification, which can compromise user privacy and slow down the process. The online gaming industry is rapidly shifting toward privacy and crypto integration, with no KYC crypto casino sites gaining popularity among players who value anonymity and quick transactions.
These platforms are also known for their flexible withdrawal limits and seamless deposit and withdrawal processes, making them attractive to high-stakes and privacy-focused users. When considering bonuses, always check the wagering requirements and specific wagering requirement multipliers, as these impact how easily you can cash out your winnings.
Players are constantly searching for the best crypto casino that combines no KYC requirements with top-tier features and reliability.
Whether you’re in it for anonymous crypto betting, pure gambling nostalgia, or just want to lose Bitcoin without judgment, these three casinos bring the heat and none of the paperwork.
Security and Safety: Is Degen Disneyland Safe?
When it comes to online gambling, security is non-negotiable, and no KYC crypto casinos take it seriously. The platform uses advanced encryption and SSL technology to keep your data and crypto transactions locked down tight. Licensed and regulated by a respected gaming authority, no KYC crypto casinos operate under strict standards to ensure fair play and player protection.
But it’s not just about keeping your funds safe. No KYC crypto casinos are committed to responsible gambling, offering tools and resources to help you stay in control of your gaming. Whether you’re a casual spinner or a full-time degen, you can play with confidence knowing you’re in a secure, player-first environment.
FAQ:
What does ‘No KYC’ mean?
No KYC means you don’t need to upload your ID, proof of address, or submit to any creepy background checks. You sign up, deposit crypto, and play — all without doxxing yourself. Total freedom, baby.
Are No KYC casinos legit?
Many of them are. The top names (like the ones in this list) use provably fair games, blockchain tech, and have active communities. Just DYOR (do your own research), avoid shady new projects, and don’t go full degen on a site with zero reviews.
What coins can I use?
Most top no KYC casinos accept: Bitcoin (BTC), Ethereum (ETH), USDT/USDC, some even have their own tokens (like $CHP for CoinPoker). WSM Casino, for example, is meme-fueled and supports a range of crypto deposits.
Do I have to pay taxes on my winnings?
Short answer: Yes. Long answer: Depends on your country, how you report income, and how well you understand the art of not getting rekt by the IRS (or your local tax man). This article isn’t tax advice — talk to a professional if you’re cashing out big.
Are the games provably fair?
Most top-tier no KYC casinos use provably fair algorithms — meaning you can verify each game’s randomness. It’s not magic, it’s math. If the casino doesn’t mention “provably fair” anywhere? 🚩🚩🚩
Final Thoughts: Bet Responsibly (Or At Least Privately)
The new motto of 2025? “Not your keys, not your KYC.”
Stay safe, stay private, and may your wallet always bounce back after a 12-spin losing streak.
Disclaimer: This is not financial advice. It’s not even life advice. It’s barely even a useful article. Follow Wall Street Memes for more degen finance, crypto chaos, and hot takes.
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LOS ANGELES, CA — The Palestinian Authority has announced plans to send aid to parts of LA in an effort to help ease growing unrest and conflict.
“We took one look at the state of things and knew they needed help more than we do,” explained General Al-Khatib. “It’s a civil war over there, and something needs to be done. People are getting hurt.”
Upon seeing Palestinian flags in the protest, the Hamas government has reached out to Governor Gavin Newsom to offer support.
“Whilst we don’t negotiate with terrorists,” said Newsom, “We will accept their free stuff if they’re offering.”
The rioting began last week after protests against immigration deportations spiraled out of control. The protesters/rioters (depending on which side of the fence you’re on) are reported to have been looting and burning self-driving cars that were not programmed to handle this kind of situation.
President Trump has sent in the National Guard, but then they got a bit too excited so now he’s had to send in the Marines to fight off the National Guard. Reportedly, the Coast Guard, the ASPCA, and Space Force are on high alert.
…Just as an aside, ‘President Trump sends National Guard to LA to stop rioters burning self driving cars’ is a headline you’d see scroll through the background of some shitty sci-fi movie, not an actual reality we’d have to live through, but here we are…
Speaking of worst timelines, I’ll let ChatGPT finish the rest of this article because honestly, just cba with all this:
Meanwhile, the Palestinian aid convoy—comprised of surplus UN trucks, a DJ booth, and crates of za’atar-flavored MREs—has successfully landed at LAX Terminal 5. Early footage shows one truck being immediately looted by UCLA students who mistook it for a food truck activation.
General Al-Khatib, speaking from a makeshift command tent outside Erewhon, clarified that the mission was “strictly humanitarian,” although he did admit to being “a little curious” about how oat milk costs $14.
The Coalition Grows
Inspired by Palestine’s bold intervention, several other groups have announced similar plans to assist LA:
Vatican City has pledged three priests, a rosary drone, and a pallet of holy sparkling water.
North Korea offered one nuke and a mixtape.
The Swiss, staying neutral, have launched a hotline for therapy appointments priced in gold.
Meanwhile, Qatar Airways announced a direct humanitarian flight into Burbank, filled with influencers, conflict photographers, and at least one camel named “Peaceboy.”
A Tale of Two Californias
Governor Newsom, still in a Patagonia vest and surrounded by a ring light, held a press conference beneath the Hollywood sign (which now reads just “HOOD” after being partially torched by rioters).
“California welcomes all peaceful aid,” Newsom said. “We’re building back better—with help from literally anyone who can spare a drone or a decent WiFi connection.”
When asked about the Trump administration’s role in the chaos, Newsom replied, “At this point, I’d rather be governed by a sentient Roomba.”
Wall Street’s Take
Markets initially dipped on the news before violently rebounding after rumors surfaced that Ray Dalio was planning to go long on LA anarchy futures. Robinhood briefly listed a new ETF: $RIOTX, tracking social unrest, meme stock activity, and used Tesla prices.
Jim Cramer screamed “BUY EVERYTHING” before being tranquilized live on-air.
What Now?
At press time, the Palestinian convoy had successfully set up a “conflict resolution booth” outside a Trader Joe’s in Silver Lake. Early reports indicate that a ceasefire was temporarily achieved when both rioters and National Guard soldiers stopped to enjoy free hummus and freestyle poetry readings.
As the situation continues to unravel with all the dignity of a crypto investor’s Twitter feed, one thing is clear: LA may be down, but it’s not out. And with a little help from Palestine, maybe—just maybe—it’ll make it to Q3.
…There you go, was that fun for you? Did you have fun? Sure you did, things you recognise in unusual contexts is always fun.
President Donald ‘Jesus’ Trump has officially won full custody of Joe Rogan following his unexpected divorce from tech-dabbler and part-time Mars enthusiast, Elon Musk.
The highly publicized breakup, sparked by a heated argument over Trump’s ‘Big Beautiful Bill’, concluded with Trump emerging victorious in the battle for podcast visitation rights, NFT revenue splits, and one (1) human MMA commentator.
“He’s A Good Boy. He Loves Me More.”
At a joint press conference held beside the smoking wreckage of Trump’s old Tesla, the president confirmed that Joe Rogan, the human kettlebell and absence-of-thought-provoking bro-phet, would be “living with Daddy Donald full time.”
“Look, Joe needs a strong male role model who can teach him about winning,” said Trump. “Elon’s weak. He’s a weak man. I thought I liked Elon, but then he was mean, very mean, you can’t be mean and be a good parent to little Joe.”
Rogan, seen shirtless and oiled up in the background next to Alex Jones and a live elk, declined to comment but nodded aggressively while doing kettlebell swings and microdosing.
[NB: The preceding paragraph has been selected for preservation in the ‘Museum of Paragraphs That Would Send a Victorian Child Into A Coma’]
The Trump Musk Settlement: A Breakdown
According to leaked documents (posted on 4chan, confirmed on Substack, and denounced by Fox News for not being angry enough), the divorce terms are as follows:
Joe Rogan: Sole custody awarded to Trump.
Neuralink prototype nicknamed “Brain Daddy”: Goes to Joe Rogan for future guest testing.
The phrase “Alpha Male”: Joint custody, but must be used in alternating podcast appearances.
Musk took to X (formerly known as ‘relevant’) to express his feelings.
“I will respect the court’s decision, though it was clearly made by NPCs running on outdated firmware. I’ll just build another Joe Rogan using Tesla Bot v3.14. This one’s going to do jiu-jitsu and run a $10B SPAC.”
Bro Custody: A New Legal Frontier
Legal experts (none of whom passed the bar but all of whom have watched Suits) say this case sets a dangerous precedent for celebrity bromances.
“This is the first time in U.S. history that a man has won legal custody of a podcast host,” said Dr. Chadston Gains, professor of Meme Law at the University of Reddit. “We may see more cases like this, especially if Jordan Peterson and Ben Shapiro ever settle who gets to not keep Andrew Tate.”
Trump Gains, Musk Lames
While the dust settles, Rogan’s podcast has already been renamed “The Trump Experience”, with new segments like “Peak Testosterone Tuesdays” and a daily Alpha Index comparing Putin to various brands of blenders.
Insiders say upcoming guests include Eric Trump discussing DMT, Kanye West debating with ChatGPT-4.5, and Hunter Biden arm-wrestling Candace Owens over a barrel of pre-workout.
In the words of Trump, “Joe’s in good hands. We’re going to make podcasts great again.”
The financial world was rocked today as CNBC’s loudest oracle, Jim “Inverse ETF” Cramer, assured investors that “the banks are fine,” prompting immediate panic, mass withdrawals, and the sound of short sellers gleefully clicking “Buy.”
“Look, I’ve seen this before,” shouted Cramer on Mad Money, veins pulsating with the passion of a thousand margin calls. “The fundamentals are strong, balance sheets are pristine, and I swear, this is not another 2008!”
Markets took this as an omen of biblical proportions.
Within 30 minutes of Cramer’s statement:
Wells Fargo stock dropped 9%, then glitched and turned into a Spirit Airlines voucher.
Bank of America issued a press release titled, “We Definitely Have Your Money, Please Stop Asking.”
Regional banks began rebranding overnight into sandwich shops, citing “a higher yield on mayo.”
“Every time he says something is ‘fine,’ I short it like my rent depends on it,” said Reddit user @StonkJesus420, currently up 600% on a leveraged inverse-Cramer ETF that doesn’t technically exist, but somehow still trades on Robinhood.
The Federal Reserve, when asked for comment, stared blankly into the abyss and slowly backed into a broom closet. Jerome Powell was last seen speedwalking to his bunker with a suitcase labeled “Plan Z.”
Meanwhile, SVB’s former marketing team has launched a new startup called “Definitely Not A Bank,” which promises your deposits are “emotionally supported, if not technically insured.”
Cramer, undeterred, went on to recommend First Republic Bank as a “strong buy” before it was promptly sold to Chase for a box of expired Lunchables and a signed photo of Jamie Dimon riding a unicorn.
“Honestly, I feel good about the economy,” Cramer said later in the program, moments before a Nasdaq server burst into flames and began playing Nickelback on loop.
Disclaimer: If Jim Cramer says your house isn’t on fire, please check your smoke detector immediately.
Once upon a time, there was a little boy who liked to cause all sorts of mischief and had a lot of fun playing tricks on the people around him.
Those fun tricks meant that everyone talked about the boy so that he became very famous, and then, when everyone needed someone to be in charge of the largest economy in the whole wide world, they chose the little boy.
One day, during a very boring economics briefing, the little boy decided to play a little trick. Suddenly, he shouted, “125% tariffs!”
Everybody jumped up, and all the markets started to panic, and a lot of people started to talk about these very big tariffs.
But when they came to see the naughty little boy and ask about the tariffs, he put a 90-day pause on all the tariffs.
Everybody told the little boy not to yell tariffs if there weren’t any tariffs, and the little boy said he wouldn’t, so then everybody went back to their lives.
But then the next day, it seemed that no one was paying the little boy any attention and had forgotten he was very powerful and that the tariffs were a really good idea actually. So then, once again, he cried, “Tariff! Tariff!” and once again, everyone came running and the markets went crashing down and everyone set their prices very high.
Once again, however, when they came to see the little boy, he said he had reduced retaliatory tariffs down to just 10% so that there were barely any tariffs at all.
So then everyone went back to their lives and tried to get a good night’s sleep and pretend that they had never heard the word ‘tariff’ in the first place.
Some say that the little boy is still yelling tariffs to this day, but now whenever he does, everyone knows not to listen because who knows what he will say the next day.
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