Author: Ima Short

… And it didn’t work! The ratings firm Moody’s has just downgraded the US’s credit rating from AAA to Aa1 (which is worse apparently… even though it looks better imo).

As a result, the dollar has slid (again) and longer-dated treasury yields rose 5%… whatever that means. Don’t look at me, I’m a letters guy, not a numbers guy.

Markets reacted exactly how you’d expect: with complete and utter confusion. The Dow dipped slightly before bouncing back, like a toddler who fell down and forgot why they were crying. Bitcoin spiked for absolutely no reason (as usual), and someone on CNBC tried to explain the bond market using a whiteboard and a metaphor involving avocado toast.

Moody’s In A Bad Mood With Trump

Mr. Moody himself released a statement saying that this downgrade, “Reflects the increase over more than a decade in government debt and interest payment ratios to levels that are significantly higher than similarly rated sovereigns.” But clearly this bitch ain’t never heard of ‘you’ve gotta spend money to make money’.

Economists warn that the downgrade could raise borrowing costs for the government, which sounds bad, though to be fair, the government borrows money the way college students do: with zero intention of ever paying it back.

Naturally, Trump defaulted to his tried and true method: blame Biden. Taking to the political equivalent of yelling into a mirror (Truth Social), Trump posted, “AMERICA’S CREDIT SCORE WAS PERFECT UNDER ME!!! BIDEN RUINED EVERYTHING. SAD!!!”

The White House replied to the news, saying, “If Moody’s had any credibility, they would not have stayed silent as the fiscal disaster of the past four years unfolded.” So true. I, for one, had never heard of Moody’s until this very moment.

Big, Beautiful Bust

This awkward news follows Trump’s “big, beautiful” budget bill getting shot down on Friday by none other than five of Trump’s own Republicans. Mega awks.

The proposed bill would have cut taxes by $3.72 trillion over ten years, cut Medicaid spending and cut tax on tips. Dissenting Republicans felt the cuts did not go far enough whereas Democrats said the cuts went too far. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.

Republicans have vowed to bring back a “better, more Trumpy” version of the budget, including bigger, more beautiful tax cuts, military spending increases, and a line item for “Space Force Merch.” Democrats responded with their own proposal: “No.”

Still, Trump remains undeterred. When asked what his next move would be to fix the economy, he answered confidently: “We’re looking into NFTs. Very classy ones. George Washington in a MAGA hat. Tremendous value.”

Stay tuned, folks. America’s credit might be downgraded, but the drama? Perpetually AAA.

You want more of this slop? Here, eat up little piggy: US Cuts Chinese Tariffs By 115% Which Is Impossible Because You Can’t Have More Than 100 Out Of 100 It’s Just Simple Math