Pen Smith | Wall Street Memes

President Donald ‘Jesus’ Trump has officially won full custody of Joe Rogan following his unexpected divorce from tech-dabbler and part-time Mars enthusiast, Elon Musk.

The highly publicized breakup, sparked by a heated argument over Trump’s ‘Big Beautiful Bill’, concluded with Trump emerging victorious in the battle for podcast visitation rights, NFT revenue splits, and one (1) human MMA commentator.

“He’s A Good Boy. He Loves Me More.”

At a joint press conference held beside the smoking wreckage of Trump’s old Tesla, the president confirmed that Joe Rogan, the human kettlebell and absence-of-thought-provoking bro-phet, would be “living with Daddy Donald full time.”

“Look, Joe needs a strong male role model who can teach him about winning,” said Trump. “Elon’s weak. He’s a weak man. I thought I liked Elon, but then he was mean, very mean, you can’t be mean and be a good parent to little Joe.”

Rogan, seen shirtless and oiled up in the background next to Alex Jones and a live elk, declined to comment but nodded aggressively while doing kettlebell swings and microdosing.

[NB: The preceding paragraph has been selected for preservation in the ‘Museum of Paragraphs That Would Send a Victorian Child Into A Coma’]

The Trump Musk Settlement: A Breakdown

According to leaked documents (posted on 4chan, confirmed on Substack, and denounced by Fox News for not being angry enough), the divorce terms are as follows:

Joe Rogan: Sole custody awarded to Trump.
Neuralink prototype nicknamed “Brain Daddy”: Goes to Joe Rogan for future guest testing.
The phrase “Alpha Male”: Joint custody, but must be used in alternating podcast appearances.

Musk took to X (formerly known as ‘relevant’) to express his feelings.

“I will respect the court’s decision, though it was clearly made by NPCs running on outdated firmware. I’ll just build another Joe Rogan using Tesla Bot v3.14. This one’s going to do jiu-jitsu and run a $10B SPAC.”

Bro Custody: A New Legal Frontier

Legal experts (none of whom passed the bar but all of whom have watched Suits) say this case sets a dangerous precedent for celebrity bromances.

“This is the first time in U.S. history that a man has won legal custody of a podcast host,” said Dr. Chadston Gains, professor of Meme Law at the University of Reddit. “We may see more cases like this, especially if Jordan Peterson and Ben Shapiro ever settle who gets to not keep Andrew Tate.”

Trump Gains, Musk Lames

While the dust settles, Rogan’s podcast has already been renamed “The Trump Experience”, with new segments like “Peak Testosterone Tuesdays” and a daily Alpha Index comparing Putin to various brands of blenders.

Insiders say upcoming guests include Eric Trump discussing DMT, Kanye West debating with ChatGPT-4.5, and Hunter Biden arm-wrestling Candace Owens over a barrel of pre-workout.

In the words of Trump, “Joe’s in good hands. We’re going to make podcasts great again.”

Just like everyone else, Wall Street Memes Dot Com predicted this breakup way back in November last year. Click here to read more: Trump Officially Files For Divorce From Elon Musk

Once upon a time, there was a little boy who liked to cause all sorts of mischief and had a lot of fun playing tricks on the people around him.

Those fun tricks meant that everyone talked about the boy so that he became very famous, and then, when everyone needed someone to be in charge of the largest economy in the whole wide world, they chose the little boy.

One day, during a very boring economics briefing, the little boy decided to play a little trick. Suddenly, he shouted, “125% tariffs!”

Everybody jumped up, and all the markets started to panic, and a lot of people started to talk about these very big tariffs.

But when they came to see the naughty little boy and ask about the tariffs, he put a 90-day pause on all the tariffs.

Everybody told the little boy not to yell tariffs if there weren’t any tariffs, and the little boy said he wouldn’t, so then everybody went back to their lives.

But then the next day, it seemed that no one was paying the little boy any attention and had forgotten he was very powerful and that the tariffs were a really good idea actually. So then, once again, he cried, “Tariff! Tariff!” and once again, everyone came running and the markets went crashing down and everyone set their prices very high.

Once again, however, when they came to see the little boy, he said he had reduced retaliatory tariffs down to just 10% so that there were barely any tariffs at all.

So then everyone went back to their lives and tried to get a good night’s sleep and pretend that they had never heard the word ‘tariff’ in the first place.

Some say that the little boy is still yelling tariffs to this day, but now whenever he does, everyone knows not to listen because who knows what he will say the next day.

And then he got eaten by a wolf.

The End.

For more bedtime stories, click here: US Economy ‘Out Of UNO Reverse Cards’ Following Trump Tariff Block

President Donald Trump has officially banned Taco Tuesday, calling it a “deep state psyop,” “a globalist ploy to weaken American hamburgers,” and “nothing to do with that name people are calling me.”

The executive order came following #TACO started trending on X, an acronym for ‘Trump always chickens out’ referring to how he often pulls out of his tariffs, settles out of court and how he really likes to eat chicken tacos.

Speaking from the Oval Office, Trump told reporters, “Taco Tuesday? Terrible. Frankly, Tuesday is for Americans, not for Mexican food. We’re going to change it and it’s going to be called American Tuesday, how do you like the sound of that? You like that, don’t you, Jonny you commie fuck. So it’s American Tuesday, Hot dogs. Maybe a McChicken. Who knows. But not tacos.”

The executive order, signed with a Sharpie on the back of a Mar-a-Lago cocktail napkin, declares that: “Effective immediately, any Tuesday taco consumption will be considered unpatriotic, punishable by death.”

Markets React: Chipotle Stock Tanks, Margaritas Plummet

Wall Street didn’t take the news well. Chipotle (NYSE: CMG) shares dropped 11% at the opening bell, with panicked investors selling off queso futures and pivoting to “Build-Your-Own-Burrito” ETFs.

Meanwhile, margarita coin (MARG), the unofficial memecoin of Taco Tuesday, nosedived 74% after Elon Musk tweeted a crying emoji and a GIF of a sombrero catching fire.

Social Media Meltdown

X is ablaze with outrage and memes. #TacoTuesdayBan trended #1, just above #GuacGate and #FreeTheSalsa. Influencers posted protest videos eating tacos in defiance, with one viral clip showing a bald eagle swooping down and stealing a taco from a protester in D.C. “Even the birds know this is wrong,” the caption read.

AOC responded with a TikTok explaining that tacos are “intersectional, empowering, and delicious.” Trump replied with a Truth Social post calling her “the Guac Queen of Communism.”

Either way, Trump’s ban has failed to quash dissenters from mocking their leader in chief so he’s hoping the President might bring back the rich American tradition that is Taco Tuesdays soon.

For more food-related political news, click here: Trump Agrees To Billion-Dollar Saudi Chip Deal, Frito-Lay Stocks Max Out

In case you’ve not looked at the news in a while, here’s a quick update: yeeep, urrm, yeah: there is still a war on.

Which one? Oh, all of them. Maybe a couple more new ones, even. Don’t worry about it, you just go back to scrolling.

Analysts report that the situation in [insert war-torn region here] has not magically resolved itself despite months of headlines, think pieces, and extremely powerful Instagram infographics featuring pastel backgrounds and bold sans-serif fonts. The violence, destruction, and geopolitical pissing contests continue unabated.

When asked for comment, one Pentagon official said, “I mean… yeah.”

Meanwhile, markets reacted with what experts are calling “chronic numbness.” Oil prices wiggled around like a confused worm, defense stocks ticked up by a morally questionable percentage, and Raytheon sent a thank-you card to “Ongoing Global Tensions” for its record quarterly profits.

Reacting to the news, the White House released a prepared statement saying, “We are committed to a peaceful resolution,” which roughly translates to: we will continue to send weapons and vibes.

With all the wars showing no signs of stopping, most Americans have responded with their usual coping mechanism: forgetting about it entirely until it trends again.

One TikToker said, “Wait… there’s still war? I thought that was, like, last year’s vibe.” Another added, “Justice for Ukraine but also I just got promoted at McDonald’s so I haven’t really had time to keep up with that.”

What’s the solution, I hear you ask? Well, it’s complicated. Conflict is a fundamental human instinct, but those conflicts need not be bloody. The numbers are still up for debate, but in general humans’ combative instincts have been repressed in the modern era in favor of peaceful diplomacy, leading to fewer war-caused deaths.

War deaths — Ok, yes, war has been on the rise lately, but shhhh

However, armed conflict remains a viable and sometimes more effective alternative. Pariah nations will have no qualms about breaking political norms if war achieves their aims. And non-pariahs can claim innocence by funding proxy wars from the sidelines.

If war is to end, it must be made a non-option. So long as the militaristic solutions are supported whilst the diplomatic options remain defanged, war will continue.

But until that happens, yeah, feel free to check in every few months to see that nothing’s changed.

We’ll keep you updated as this developing situation continues to develop exactly the way you’d expect it to develop: badly, expensively, and endlessly.

For more up to the minute news here’s another article, you slut: Israel Attacks Sweden in Desperate ‘Bamboozle’ Strategy

The Oval Office (so called because it’s round) now sports a warning sign on the front door: “BEWARE all ye world leaders who enter here! Beyond this door lies the lair of the AWKWARD ADMONISHMENT!!”

The next victim to not heed this warning is South African President Cyril Ramaphosa. On Wednesday, Ramaphosa arrived for a productive talk on trade with Trump but left questioning his life choices.

Thankfully, Cyril had clearly watched Zelensky’s awks-a-thon and wore the extra layers of a suit and tie so the dressing down wouldn’t be so exposing. He stayed calm and polite, not rising to the bait to trigger Vance’s classic attack combo, “Have you said thank you once?”

But this time, Trump had upped his game too: he’d brought receipts. Firstly, Trump had the lights dimmed so they could all watch a sizzle reel of an extremist minority opposition party leader yell anti-white rhetoric. Cyril could only watch on, bemused, wondering if maybe Trump thought this man spoke on behalf of the actual government or perhaps Trump had got him confused with another black man.

Trump then showed a clip from X of cars lined alongside crosses that Trump claimed were a mass grave with thousands of beheaded white farmers. Turns out this was a 2020 memorial for two white farmers, and each cross does not mark a grave site. Next was a collection of cherry-picked printouts of similar stories of white murder from such trusted tabloids as The New York Post and The Daily Mail.

Misrepresenting that X clip is emblematic of the whole point. These murders are happening and are a problem, but Trump is blowing them way out of proportion because that aligns with the political point he wants to make.

Trump claims that white farmers are fleeing a genocide, and it’s now the opposite of apartheid (weirdly pointing at Elon Musk multiple times). But that’s just not true, they’re much too busy making biltong and drinking brandy and Coke.

Trump’s aiming to make outlandish accusations for every country in the world, and he’s well on track to complete this goal before the end of his term. He just loves blowing single instances out of proportion because it fits the narrative: immigration bad, foreigners dangerous (unless the foreigner is the white man, in which case, scratch that, reverse it).

Someone should correct that man, I’m sure he’ll rectify himself once he knows he’s made a mistake.

At least Trump brought along some South African golfing buddies that he could talk to with some friendliness. Shall we talk about the trade agreement? Now hold on a second, we haven’t mentioned golf in 30 seconds, let’s cover that first.

For more golf news, click here: Trump Announces New Golf Course

To the horror of millions, President Donald Trump has unveiled his ‘golden dome’ live on public television.

Trump made the announcement from the Oval Office, saying he was making good on a promise he made in the campaign. What he was about to unveil, Trump explained, would immediately frighten all their enemies away, for good this time.

“Netanyahu has an Iron Dome, a beautiful dome, I’ve seen it,” continued the President. “But mine is better, I thought, how are we going to make it better? We’re going to make it gold, so now I have a gold dome. It’s very nice, very shiny.”

Trump then proceeded to drop trow and expose himself to everyone in the room and watching live at home. Anyone who witnessed the event can fill out a form online to receive $130,000 in hush money.

The White House has since clarified that this is all a massive misunderstanding and Trump was supposed to unveil a brand new missile defence system called ‘The Golden Dome’. The original plan was to build a giant dome made of solid gold metal that would cover the continental United States and protect it from missile attacks, a device reportedly inspired by ‘The Simpsons Movie’ (2007).

However, it seems that Trump’s potentially deliberate mistake might have been a masterstroke as it appears that just the sight of the President’s national treasures might be more frightening to hostile nations than any missile.

“If your President is crazy enough to do this, who knows what he would do in an all-out war,” commented North Korean spokeswoman Kim Kim-Kim. “We are immediately withdrawing all troops from our borders and declaring unilateral surrender.”

China too has reportedly signed a global peace agreement on the condition that they never have to see Trump’s ‘Golden Dome’ ever again.

On the other hand, Russian President Vladimir Putin said he was impressed by Trump’s strongman gesture and plans to reveal his ‘Steel Dome’ in the coming months.

Who’s to say if this peace will last or if Trump will have to reveal additional gilded body parts in the future, but for now we have world peace, all thanks to Trump’s golden dome.

For more missile news, click here: Elon Unveils Rocket Catcher, Has 14 Missed Calls From Netanyahu

In a move that has taken things way too far, Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell has been uninvited from Donald Trump’s “Annual Birthday Barbecue Fun Day”.

The decision comes amid escalating tensions between Powell and President Trump over interest rates, tariffs, and the appropriate ratio of coleslaw to pulled pork.

Jay Powell has remained steadfast against Trump’s polite requests to alter the inflation rate, but the president has been unable to fire the chair or conduct any meaningful punishment because of stupid things like ‘laws’.

Trump has been left with no choice but to hit Jay where it’ll hurt hardest: right in the ribs.

The BDAY-BBQ, a longstanding tradition aimed at fostering camaraderie among the nation’s top officials, will proceed without any camaraderie fostered with the Fed Chair. Attendees can expect the usual fare: grilled meats, patriotic playlists, and spirited debates over monetary policy, but now with one less dissenting voice.

However, the White House assured reporters that this is not retaliation, but merely because he brought a fruit salad last year, and that’s just not on.

“The President just wants to ensure a fun, relaxed atmosphere, and nothing kills the vibe like a Jerome Powell.”

Powell, known for his steadfast commitment to the Fed’s independence, has stayed silent on the matter. However, insider reports suggest he was seen at a local Whole Foods, purchasing a modest selection of artisanal cheeses and a single bottle of kombucha, perhaps signaling plans for a solo picnic.

When reached for comment about this, the White House simply stated, “We wish Chairman Powell all the best in his future culinary endeavors and nothing else.”

Onlookers have begged Trump to end the hostilities. “Things have gone way, way too far,” hyperventilated political pervert, Morris Causden. “I thought he’d done his worst when Trump called Powell ‘Mr. Too Slow’, but I had no idea he could stoop even lower. To uninvite someone from a barbecue? Who would do such a thing? I’m going to hurl.”

“Please end the war! Enough bloodshed!” Mr. Causden added once he had returned from the bathroom. “Can’t we all live in peace?!! AAHHHH!!!”

Well, that’s the news. You can go home now.

For more on this story, click here: Trump Denies Plan To Fire Powell, Tesla’s New ‘Fed-Bot’ “Just For Decoration”

You might think you know your ETH from your elbow but how do you stack up against everyone else? Keyword: Crypto.

Try our quiz below to find out and don’t forget to share your scores on social media using the hashtag #QUIZ because I really need the answers, help, my interview’s in like five minutes and I don’t know shit. QUICKLY!

A. What is “blockchain”?

A long string of Legos.
A video game for (and by) children.
When you haven’t been able to use the toilet in a while.
All the above.

B. Which of the following is NOT a type of cryptocurrency?

Bitcoin
Ethereum
Solana
Dogecoin

C. What is “mining” in cryptocurrency?

When you dig into the ground and you find cryptocurrency.
A video game for (and by) children.
When you claim crypto to be yours.
All of the above.

D. What is a “cryptocurrency wallet“?

A wallet.
Not a wallet.
Like a wallet.
A wallet for cryptocurrency.

F. What does “decentralized” mean?

Doesn’t have a center.
Idk, look it up, you’ve got Google right?
Hard to pin down for Thursday margaritas.
It’s not illegal anymore.

D. What is Bitcoin’s (BTC) primary purpose?

To make coins smaller.
Conquer the world.
To make money.
All the above.

7. What is the term for transferring cryptocurrency from one wallet to another?

Transferring.
Cybersex.
Sending money to you, babes.
Venmo.

69. What does “ATH” stand for in cryptocurrency trading?

A sneeze.
Aggressive Thanks, Henry
Arms, Throat, Head
All Together, Henry!

K. What is a “smart contract”?

A contract that you can sign on your phone.
A contract that’s actually decent, like one you might make with a buddy.
A timeshare.
A contract that is smarter than you.

4.5 Which of the following is a common risk associated with investing in cryptocurrency?

Getting mega-rich.
Losing touch with the common man.
Getting egged while you’re sleeping.
Dirt.

So, how did you do? You can check your answers by emailing them to me, john@wallstreetmemes.com and I’ll let you know if you got them right after my interview!

Please, I really need this.

For more fun and games, try out our other quiz: If You Can Read This, You Might Have Brain Rot

PREVIOUSLY on America…

Can you believe it’s only been 100 days of Trump’s second term? Me neither. And already he’s changed so much. In case you just woke up from a coma, here’s a recap of the 100 most best things that he’s done since entering the White House.

1: Donald Trump has increased tariffs.

2: Donald Trump has decreased tariffs.

3: Donald Trump has increased the stock market value.

4. Donald Trump has decreased the stock market value.

5. Donald Trump has fired everyone but Jerome Powell.

6. Donlad Trunp has replaced the Pope with JD Vance.

7. Donld Trump has shut down Harvard and replaced it with Trump University.

8. Donad Trup bought Greenland for the low, low price of shattering diplomatic relations.

9. Donled Trunup makes Signal an official government communication tool so no one did anything wrong there, OK?

10. Doald Trimp released all the files related to the murder attempt on JFK (not Jr. this time)’s life.

11. Dolel Tryuinp deported 1 billion people to an El Salvador torture prison.

12. Donald J. Trump saved Sandra Bullock from being lost in space forever.

13. Donald Jay Trump solved the Ukraine war.

14. Dalon Jin Tremp solved the Palestine war.

15. Donald Trump made America great.

16. Donald Trump made America great again.

17. Donad Trump made America great again, again.

18. Donnd Trump made America great again, again, again.

18. Donnnd Trump made America great again, again, again, again, again, again… I could do this all day.

19. Donald Trump launched a new cryptocurrency.

20. Donald Trump pardoned the January 6th rioters who were totally peaceful.

21. Donald Trump DEI fired DEI hires.

22. Shit, we’re only at 22? I thought this would be easy, ok, erm, Donald Trump won the presidency. That’s an achievement. Oh, wait, I’ve got another one.

23. Donald Trump removes Kamala Harris from the history books. (Like, seriously, she was all we could talk about for ages, now where is she. Space?)

24 – 67. Donald Trump took a golf break (fair enough, he’s a busy guy).

68. Donald Trump became legally allowed to do anything.

69. Nice.

70. Donald Trump wrote into law that the number 83 will henceforth be referred to as the number 100.

71. Donald Trump, oh, remember when he almost got shot? I know that wasn’t in the last hundred days, but that was crazy, huh? Man, it’s been a crazy time.

72. Donald Trump put America first and Armenia second and Belize waayy down at number thirteen. If you want to see his full rankings of every country, follow along for Part 2.

73. Donald Trump probably did more things, but honestly, this is one hundred items for one hundred days, so I have to list one thing he’s done every day, that’s crazy, how am I supposed to think of that?

74. Donald Trump went to the toilet. Definitely at least once.

75. Donald Trump took a shower. He definitely did that; these count as achievements, come on.

76. Fuck, ok, god, really scraping the barrel here… erm… something about healthcare, something, something.

77. Donald Trump.

78. Donald Trump killed a man. But in a war way so it’s fine and legal.

79. Donald Trump did President.

80. Donald Trump set an example to all Americans.

81. Donald Trump might run for a third term. God help us all.

82. Donald Trump did a little dance.

100. Donald Trump will definitely be just as busy for the next 100 days.

And there we have it! 100 achievements by Donald ‘the President’ Trump in just 100 days in office. Suck it, Joe Biden.

Jay Dee ‘JD’ Vance has pleaded not guilty to the murder of Pope Francis despite being the last man to see him alive and having a compelling motive.

The Vice President met with THE Pope to admonish him for not wearing a suit and not saying thank you mere HOURS before he died of an unrelated lung something.

The Vatican will now hold a Conclave to solve the crime of the murder of the Pope. Just like in that movie, oh, what was it called? Oh yeah, the Da Vinci Code. So that’s pretty fun. Although a man did die, so that’s not fun.

Pope Francis previously objected to Trump’s anti-migration policies, so it was a lil awks with the Vance. A lil tense.

Some are saying this is maybe motive enough, but to me, that’s a red herring. I reckon the real murderer was the person you least expect, like God.

Alright, that’s enough of that, back to the news.