Month: October 2024

A new court filing against presidential hopeful, Donald Trump, claims that he attempted to have the results of the 1892 presidential election overturned. 

“Grover Cleveland was a coward,” said Trump in a Tweet presented as evidence in filing. “WORST PRESIDENT EVER. Should never have been elected the second time!! STOP THE STEAL!!!”

The Supreme Court recently ruled that presidents should be immune from prosecution when carrying out their official duty, however, prosecutors now claim that Trump’s continued complaints that Benjamin Harrison was “robbed” constitute a private action.

According to former staffers, Trump insisted any portraits of Cleveland be removed from the White House. Upon finding a book mentioning the 19th-century president, Trump ripped out the page saying, “Hash-tag, not my president. Not my president! Grover was a dawg. He rigged the vote. Everybody knows it.”

The reason for Trump’s objection to Grover Cleveland remains unclear but legal scholars maintain it might stem from Trump’s longstanding policy of maintaining the 1890 McKinley Tariff, whereas Cleveland campaigned to lower it.

Trump accused Cleveland of using rigged voting machines, widespread voter fraud and a consistent de-platforming of the Prohibition Party. Trump has asked for a recount on multiple occasions despite having it explained to him that this was over a hundred years ago, the votes don’t exist anymore.

Democrats claim Trump’s complaints are tantamount to treason and that the January 6th riots were partially motivated to have both the 2020 and 1892 elections overturned.

“If I had a time machine, I’d go back to 1892 and count the votes myself. But I can’t. But I am the president. So I’m gonna get his name out of the history books and everyone says the name ‘Benjamin Harrison’ instead. I’d settle for James B. Weaver, whatever, just not Cleveland.”

Why Trump does not seem to object to Cleveland’s original election in 1884, he has yet to explain.

The trial date has not been set and will likely not take place before the election in November. Until then, the legacy of Grover Cleveland and indeed, Adlai Stevenson I, hangs in the balance.

Errr. Israel has declared war on Sweden in a move strategists are calling, “Really very stupid.”

Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu announced the invasion this morning following a preemptive air strike using extra-long rockets so they could reach further. Tanks are reportedly on their way but are currently driving through Lebanon so it’ll take a while for them to get there.

Swedish forces were fast to respond, destroying their pagers and assembling flatpack munitions in a matter of minutes. However, missing hex keys are holding back a full retaliation as generals search junk drawers for the right size.

The international community responded with bewilderment to the development. “What?” said US diplomat Justin ‘Cheeky’ Chavez, “Who are we supposed to send arms to now? Both sides? I mean, I guess we could do that. We’d need to check if Amazon ships to Sweden.”

Iran, now dazed by Israel’s unprecedented tactic, expressed similar confusion. “My enemy’s enemy is my friend, but what if my enemy’s enemy is my friend’s enemy? Is my friend now my enemy? Am I my own enemy?” Iran then promptly declared war on itself.

‘Why?’, ‘For what purpose?’ and, ‘To what end?’ are also good questions, to which analysts have speculated that maybe Israel had a world map folded over and thought Sweden was much closer. Other theories suggest Israel is applying the ancient military tactic of ‘bamboozle’, a risky strategy involving making the least expected move, especially if it’s a very bad one.

Some have suggested more novel explanations such as amateur historian and massive nerd, Derbert Monfreese, who explained the move by saying that, “The Bible doesn’t clarify the exact coordinates of the promised land so who’s to say it isn’t in Scandinavia?” Everyone, Derbert, that’s who’s to say. That makes no sense, Derbert, shut up.

The United Nations has condemned the Swedo-Israeli conflict in a new statement, “Come on, guys, this is just all too complicated now. Alright, new rule, everyone gets to fight one war at a time and that’s it, OK? No exceptions.”

In response to the new, ‘only one war’ rule, Israel then floated the idea of having just one mega-war, a ‘world’ war, if you will, that everyone could join and no one would miss out on. Germany vetoed the motion.

During Tuesday’s televised debate, JD Vance and Tim Walz superbly displayed their qualification for the VP role by remaining uncontroversial, under the radar and uninteresting.

Millions of Americans grabbed their popcorn and tuned in to watch their second favorite politicians go head to head in a bloody fight to the death. Unfortunately, both candidates stuck to the issues and did little sniping or insulting so why did they even bother to show up?

Vance in an effort to balance Trump’s unhinged, rambling brashness was polite and thanked his debate partner multiple times even at one point offering to pick Walz’s kids up from school. Walz and Vance agreed with each other on crucial issues such as gun deaths, hurricane relief and who should run for president.

Both candidates seamlessly avoided answering questions directly like professional politicians but like amateur entertainers. No one watches NASCAR to see the cars not-crash.

At times it seemed like the debaters might go head to head, but the moderators had a lot to discuss so they had to move on.

A recurring critique from Vance was to ask why Harris had not delivered her presidential campaign promises whilst she has been vice president. Perhaps JD overestimates the power he will have in office or no one told him that the role of the vice president is to not do anything, that’s the point. No one had even heard of Kamala Harris until she ran for president, not even Joe Biden. Even JD had to introduce himself at the start of the debate to make sure the moderators hadn’t booked the wrong guest.

As the nearly two-hour debate dragged on, viewers reported to finding more entertainment watching the background slowly fade from blue to a slightly lighter blue and then back to blue.

Journalists too bemoaned the lack of insubstantive content with one New York Post reporter saying, “There wasn’t even a fly landing on anyone’s head to spice things up. What am I going to write about now? What they said? Like, their words? Ugh. Boring. Bor-ING.”

In post-debate surveys, viewers agreed that Tim Walz has a squishy face and JD Vance has blue, blue eyes. When asked who they thought won the debate, swing voters unanimously agreed that yes, there was a debate that happened.

The civil, policy-focused debate may have been a victory for democracy but it was an immense failure for television networks and insult enjoyers everywhere.

We’re out of time and I am afraid there are still a number of subjects to discuss, so we will end it there, thank you.

Yesterday Donald Trump announced a plan to lynch shoplifters over “one really violent day”, apparently taking campaign strategy from the movie franchise, ‘The Purge’.

At a Pennsylvania rally, Trump described the new policy to combat shoplifting by allowing police to act as Batman, enacting violent retribution against petty criminals, but for a limited time only.

Self-proclaimed movie buff and ‘Purge Historian’ (not a real job), Derbert Monfreese explained that, “The six films and one television series that constitute the Purge Cinematic Universe depict a future in which all crime is legal for 24 hours. What Trump describes however is just a period in which the police can do whatever they want to criminals. Technically, that’s not the purge, that’s just a regular day in LA.”

When asked whether the nerds couldn’t let us just have one fun thing without running it with technicalities, Derbert replied, “No.”

In response to whether Trump’s idea was, “maybe closer to ‘Kristilnact’, then instead, can we do that?” Derbert said, “I’ve not seen that movie.” So, I think we’ll go with that analogy instead. Hold on, I’m looking it up… no, that’s like the exact opposite thing. Ugh! Great, well this article’s ruined. I’m going to have to rewrite this whole thing now! God, I hate you Derbert, you ruin everything and you suck.

Trump’s suggestion appeared founded on the claim that, “In San Francisco, $950 you’re allowed to steal. Anything above that you will be prosecuted.” However, Derbert tells me, even though I didn’t ask him, that, “Actually, Trump is misremembering a Californian law from ten years ago in which some violent crimes (including shoplifting a value below $950) were reclassed as misdemeanors.”

The Republican nominee continued to assert that, “You saw kids walking with calculators… They didn’t want to go over the $950, they’re standing with calculators, adding it up.” He then mimed holding an old-timey brick calculator from the 80s. Maybe he saw that in a movie too because when was the last time a kid used a calculator instead of their phone?

Video clips and quotes from the rally give the appearance of Trump’s words being taken out of context but I didn’t make this up, Derbert! He really said this, look, here’s the portion of the speech with the rambling bits crossed through so you can see nothing’s cut out.

“We have to let the police do their job and if they have to be extraordinarily rough. And you know the funny thing with all of that stuff, look at the department stores, same thing. They walk into a– you see these guys walking out with air conditioners with the refrigerators on their back. The craziest thing. And the police aren’t allowed to do their job. They’re told if you do anything, you’re going to lose your pension, you’re going to lose your family your house, your car. The police wanna do it, the border patrol wants to do it. The border patrol, they’re incredible. They wanna do it. They’re not allowed to do it because the liberal left won’t let ‘em do it. The liberal left wants to destroy ‘em and they wanna destroy our country.”

“You know if you have one day like one real rough nasty day with the drugstores as an example, where when they start walking out with, you know she created something in San Francisco, $950 you’re allowed to steal. Anything above that you will be prosecuted. Well, it works out that the 950 is a misnomer ‘cos you can steal whatever you want, you can go way above but you’d see it originally, you saw kids walking with calculators. They would calculate. They didn’t want to go over the $950 they’re standing with calculators, adding it up. You know these are smart, smart people, they’re not so stupid but they have to be taught.” 

“Now if you had one really violent day like a guy like Mike Kelly put him in charge, congressman kelly put him in charge for one day. Mike would you say, you right here. He’s a great congressman. Would you say Mike that if you were in charge you would say, ‘Oh, please don’t touch them, don’t touch them, let them rob your store, let–’ all these stores go out of business right? They don’t pay rent the city doesn’t have money the whole, it’s a chain of events that’s so bad. ONE. ROUGH. HOUR. (and I mean real rough) the world will get out and it will end immediately. End immediately. You know? It’ll end immediately. Crooked Joe Biden…”

You happy now Derbert, you goddamn nerd?

‘The Purge: Election Year’ is available to stream now on Netflix and CSPAN.