April, 2025 | Wall Street Memes

It’s quiet in the halls of the White House today. A dark cloud has descended over the Washington skies. Pumpulina, the Capuchin monkey who decided tariffs for foreign exports, has sadly passed away at the age of six.

Pumpulina was born in the Cincinnati Zoo and lived there until one zoo keeper noted that she would become particularly involved in distributing food to other monkeys. The keeper contacted a local economist who brought Pumpulina away for study.

As it turned out, Pumpulina was extremely adept at applying economic tariffs to foreign exports. When given a toy globe, Pumpulina would identify the country she would like to be tariffed by throwing her own faeces at the map. Researchers would then determine the size and pungency of the tariff by how much shit had been thrown.

It wasn’t long before this phenomenal ability caught the attention of Washington.

After earning an honorary degree in economics from Harvard, Pumpy finally received the highest honor a monkey can receive when she was granted unrestricted control of tariffs on foreign exports during Trump’s second term.

Monkey Business

Pumpulina was all ready to bring the United States into a new era of unprecedented economic prosperity however, Pumpulina unfortunately contracted rabies mere days before Trump took office.

None of the staffers seemed to notice the monkey’s increasingly erratic behaviour and illogical economic decisions. They were all blinded by Lil Pump’s former brilliance.

Pumpu-Baby decided to incur massive tariffs that increased over time and then u-turned on a bunch of others in a strategy that would only make sense to a rabid monkey. Everyone went along with the choices, however, because, of course, the Pump-inator knows what she’s doing.

But rabies comes for us all in the end, and Ms. Pumpulina tragically lost her long battle with the debilitating virus, passing away in her sleep this Friday.

Pumpulina will receive a state funeral and be buried in the Capitol Rotunda.

And the tariffs are likely to get a bit more sensible from now on.

Rest In Peace, Pumpulina.

Look, we’ve all got more important things to be doing, but Jonathon David Vance has just been awarded the award for biggest fumble, which he then promptly fumbled.

The award comes in response to the Ohio State football team’s visit to the White House, in which he tried to pick up the trophy but by the base and then shouldered the top so the whole thing tipped over him, and it was all just a mess.

To be fair to him, why is the top detachable from the base? For easy storage? In case the display shelf is too big?

Now Vance has been awarded the National Society of Fumblers’ highest accolade: the Golden Fumble. The trophy itself is a giant hand holding the base of an award and looks rad.

The trophy was presented to Vance in a ceremony this week; however, when the award was handed to the Vice President, he tried to pick up the trophy by the base and then shouldered the top, so the whole thing tipped over him, and it was all just a mess.

The crowd was delighted and exploded into applause and presented him with another award, which he fumbled too, and then the same thing happened again, and the whole thing continued late into the night.

Vance then gave a speech in which he said he was honored to receive the award, however, he did not say thank you once.

When asked about the National Society of Fumblers’ historic sex crimes, Vance declined to comment and then ran away.

For more news like this one, just shut your eyes and imagine a world more peaceful than this.

Unmasked singer, Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson, AKA Katy Perry, has opened up about her struggle with adjusting to life back on Earth following her marketing stunt, sorry, ‘mission’ to visit the atmosphere of Earth, sorry, ‘space’.

“How do I describe my experience?” said Perry on the Blue Origin livestream, “Well, to quote my popular song, E.T. ft Kayne West, ‘It’s supernatural: extraterrestrial.’”

“When you are weightless in space, you feel, how do I put this… weightless. And you look out into the infinite black void of space, and it just feels so much bigger than the infinite black void of your career. Really gives you perspective, you know?”

Perry, who spent a total of four minutes in space, now says she is finding Earth life challenging, “I dropped a coffee cup the other day thinking it would just float there, but it didn’t. Now, I sleep standing up and I can’t eat anything that isn’t astronaut ice cream.”

Taking Up Too Much Space

The 40-year-old singer now plans to make her return shortly, but this time on a one-way trip.

“I just feel I must return. Space is my true home now. I need to be amongst the stars with the lizard men of Gylorp 5. Wait, I wasn’t supposed to mention them. Can you cut that bit out?”

Perry has booked passage on NASA’s first mission to Mars planned for 2035. Whereas all other crew members will serve the roles of engineers, doctors, and scientists, Katy will be the mission’s “Bard” and “Perform some of the many hits from my catalogue and just keep the love flowing. Trust.”

This Mars mission will be one-way for Perry, who claims she hopes to die on the red planet.

“To infuse my red blood with the red earth would bring God one thousand smiles.”

Katy Perry’s single, ‘Firework’, is out now.

Insightful Perspective

Just for giggles, here’s Perry’s post-landing interview answers in full:

Interviewer: How do you feel?

“I feel super connected to love, so connected to love I think this experience has shown me you never know how much love is inside of you like how much love you have to give and how loved you are until the day you launch.”

Why was it important to bring a daisy?

“Daisies are common flowers but they grow through any condition they grow through cement they go through cracks they grow through walls they are resilient they are powerful they are strong they are everywhere flowers are to me God’s smile but it’s also a reminder of our beautiful earth and the flowers here and God’s smile and the beautiful magic that is everywhere all around us and even in a simple daisy so to really appreciate it and remember it and take care of it and protect it.”

What was the song you sang up there?

“What a wonderful world.”

Why was that important to sing that particular song?

“I’ve covered that song in the past and um obviously like my higher self is always steering the ship because I had no clue that one day I would decide to sing a little bit of that in space but I think that it’s not about me it’s not about singing my songs it’s about a collective energy in there it’s about us it’s about making space for future women and taking up space and belonging and it’s about this wonderful world that we see right out there and appreciating it this is all for the benefit of Earth.”

Where does this experience rate for you?

“This experience is second to being a mom yeah that’s it and that’s why it was hard for me to go because that’s all my love right there and and I have to surrender and trust that the universe is going to take care of me and protect me and also my family and my daughter because like I am full up from being able to get that gift of be being a mom and and to go to space is incredible and I wanted to model courage and um worthiness and fearlessness.”

What was your mom’s reaction:

“I have only seen my mom and I was like “Are you okay mom?” She just She just knew she knew she was totally okay and I I’m sure she was speaking in tongues underneath her breath as she does um all the time she would do that for anything else but definitely today um but she was so super confident my mom she has this thing where she can see i mean even down to the name of like the capsule being tortoise.”

“I just asked for a sign from the heavens from my angels and they’re like “Well here’s the feather which is what your mother calls you.” And if that’s not enough the capsule is named tortoise which is your second nickname that your mother calls you i’m like “Okay I’m going i’m going i got the message and I’m going to get the message.”

Describe the moment you took off and landed.

“I mean it is the highest high and it is surrender to the unknown trust um and this whole journey is not just about going to space it’s the training it’s the the team it’s the whole thing I couldn’t recommend this experience more this is like up there with all the you know different um tools that I’ve learned in my life for meditation to the Hoffman process this is up there because what you’re doing is you’re find you’re like really finding the love for yourself because you got to trust in yourself on this journey and then you’re feeling the love when you come down for sure and you’re feeling that strength so I feel really connected to that strong divine feminine right now.”

Will you write a song about this experience?

“Oh for sure and not only that I um got to reveal my set list for the tour on a butterfly how apppropo incredible just flying in space i don’t know if anyone’s ever in space i don’t know if anyone’s ever done that before so I’ll just…”

“10 out of 10, that’s my review. Definitely go for it. 10 out of 10.”

For the first time since opening some time ago, students at prestigious Harvard University for the Quietly Perturbed will now have to pay full price, just like everyone else.

The change comes after the college found itself $2bn short after Trump’s government funding freeze.

Gobe Mishenty, CEO of Harvard, explained that, “We have made the difficult decision to ask Harvard enrollees to pay their fair share of the money we lost. I’m sorry, but we can’t be a not-for-profit company anymore. I know most of you are very poor, but we need your money, and if you can’t pay, I’m afraid you’ll have to leave, just like at Denny’s.”

When asked about the accusations of antisemitism (the reason given for the funding cuts), Mishenty explained, “Look, it’s exactly the same business model they use at any local Denny’s. “If you want to stay, you have to pay.” We’re not breaking the mold here. As I’ve always said, what’s good enough for Denny’s is good enough for Harvard.”

Trump has been accused of using his power for evil, not for good, in this latest move. By muscling in on Harvard for not doing what he wants, he seems to be doing an unfree speech or whatever.

But on the counter, the Department of Education (which I could have sworn didn’t exist anymore), they said, “Harvard’s statement today reinforces the troubling entitlement mindset that is endemic in our nation’s most prestigious universities and colleges.” It’s true, they are entitled and stuck up, and I’m not just saying that because they didn’t let me in.

Yes, I didn’t apply, but that’s by the by, you never heard of a thing called head hunting? All the top colleges do it, and I was a stand-out case at my community college in Tuspo, Nebraska. Everyone said I’d get into Harvard because I was so smart and funny, and I already had the jersey and everything.

But then the day of my 11th birthday came and I didn’t get a single owl?? Honestly, I was absolutely disgusted. I’m a broken man now, but I was way worse at the time, let me tell you.

So, quite frankly, I’m in favor of Trump’s crackdown on me being rejected. It’s about time someone showed them that they missed out big time. BIG TIME.

Maybe next time they’ll think about giving me a spot, and then they’d be two BILLION dollars richer.

Yeah, think about that, Harvard.

In an idea that has never before been tried for good reason, Donald ‘The Jay’ Trump will attempt to add a secret third direction to the US stock markets after no one seemed to like the ups and downs of last week.

The news follows the topic of Trump’s tumultuous tariffs that have left everyone second-guessing the cost of their bulk order of defective Chinese defibrillators.

“We’re going to make a big announcement, Tuesday, maybe, maybe, later, but it’s going to be big,” explained Trump succiencely in a press conference today. “We’ve tried up, we’ve tried down, you people didn’t seem to like either, so we’re doing something else. Maybe a loopdeloop, I don’t know. Maybe a dead end? Could be fun. We’ll see.”

Financial analysts reportedly have their fingers crossed that Trump’s new direction will simply be a straight, flat line. You know, just to give everyone a breather, catch up with themselves for once.

Simultaneously, financial analysts are keeping their fingers uncrossed for the very real possibility that Trump’s secret third direction might be backwards.

“Trump’s made a lot of unprecedented changes recently,” explained Barry Gurstewin, CEO of MoneySlut, “Maybe he does have the power to reverse time, we just don’t know.”

A new direction of backwards would correspond with Trump’s desire to ‘Make America Great Again’ (or Mamericaga for short), a statement which famously refers to the past.

Speculants in the finance sector (them again) also suggest that this whole thing might be a grift, like a pump and dump but on a national, nay, global level. It’s simple, you just short the economy or sell before the dip, then crash the economy, then undo what you did so it’s all back to normal, and in the chaos of whatever the next thing is, everyone will forget this ever happened. It’s so simple an idiot could do it. …Or an idiot could do it by accident. Unclear which one we’ve got here…

Whelp, that’s the news. For any more news, you can read the news below and to the side on this website. Also, don’t forget to like and subscribe to this website.

President Donald Trump has clarified his already exceedingly clear explanation on his exemption to the tariff pause. Tweeting on Truth Social, Trump explained that exemptions to the restrictions might be restricted.

This potential pause on his previous pause on exemption restriction pausing marks a U-turn on his previous U-turn, however, this back-peddling on his back-peddling means that he is now going forward. So that’s a good thing, actually.

{Pause for applause}

But, as political scholars are quick to point out, Trump might face a legal roadblock as his new “no paws” stance defies the constitutional “right to bear-arms”.

Trump countered to this counter, citing “probable pause”.

According to the internet, Trump wrote, “NOBODY is getting “off the hook” for the unfair Trade Balances…” Now game recognize game here as you will note the excellent pun there. You see, Trump is referring to the exemption he made to tariffs on smartphones. Now, old timey phone receivers used to be literally hung on hooks (which is where the phrase ‘hang up’ comes from). Whether you love him or hate him, Trump sure knows his phone history.

Anyway, “…especially not China which, by far, treats us the worst! There was no Tariff “execption” announced on Friday. These products are subject to the existing 20% Fentanyl Tariffs, and they are just moving to a different Tariff “bucket”. The Fake News knows this, but refuses to report it.”

Now, this is an idea that I completely understand and can explain simply to you now. You see, Trump has placed a Tariff on Fentanyl being sold in buckets. Any Fentanyl that overflows by 20% is subject to a Tariff until it’s not. And if anyone tries to explain it differently, they’re talking FAKE NEWS.

Reportedly, Trump is now exploring a secret “third direction” for the markets to go in after trials of both “up” and “down” were unsuccessful last week.

Watch this space for the inevitable complete U-turn on this same topic tomorrow.

Or, for a better joke on this same story, go read The Onion.

Electric car manufacturer Tesla has taken its largest stock hit in its history as sales plunged 13% this quarter. But CEO Elon Musk assures stockholders that this is all part of the plan and Tesla stock is actually programmed to self-drive in this direction.

When asked to clarify by a confused everyone, Musk took to X to explain that, “We have a feature with the Tesla autopilot where, when there’s an emergency, the stock will just drive headfirst into a pit.”

“It’s all part of DOGE’s cost-cutting measures, after all, a bankrupt company has to downsize, saving everyone money.”

After this did little to clarify his decision, Musk clarified, “I don’t know, I just thought it would make a cool explosion.”

Reportedly, Tesla Inc. delivered 336,681 cars this quarter, compared to 386,810 last year. Now, I’m no mathematician, but those look like the exact same numbers to me.

This development follows a difficult year for TSLA. Even though President Trump has pledged to replace the presidential motorcade with Cybertrucks, the car company took a bigger hit from the new auto tariffs. In response, Musk introduced new three-wheeled Teslas to work around Trump’s 25% tariff (you can’t tax a quarter if you’re missing a quarter!).

Teslas have also been hit by vandals over the past few weeks, and a suicide fire-worker in January. Similarly, Musk’s ‘Cyberlegs’ project failed to materialize.

A more personal headache for Musk is his failed attempt to bribe Wisconsin voters. Although he did give away millions of his own money, the vote swung towards electing a liberal judge. Man, sucks to be the richest man alive, huh.

But all of this is a footnote to Tesla’s real problem: China.

China is pulling ahead as the largest EV market in the world, making them cheaper, hotter and more Chinese than anything Tesla could possibly make. Now, I might not be Chinese, but I sure can recognize when I see a premium vehicle and a quality product. That’s the kind of feeling you get from a Chinese EV.

(This article is sponsored by: ‘China’. “China: better than you expected!”)

In a bizarre twist of events that seems to bring everything full circle, leaked emails show Donald Trump’s National Security Advisor in an unsecure Gmail chain with former presidential failure, Hillary Clinton.

Michael Waltz (no relation to Tim) is said to have written:

“Hey babes, yeah, not up to much, just chillin’, hoping this Houthi thing blows over, probs will though. Just wondering, yeah, what did you do with the whole email thing? I just want to know what NOT to do hahaha anyway let me know love you! P.S. top secret military info is attached.”

The development hot off the heels of Michael Waltz’s previous SNAFU, now dubbed ‘Signalgate’, in which Waltz added a journalist to a private military group chat that was specifically designed not to have journalists in.

In both cases, numerous mistakes were made, but the main issue is that by using Signal and Gmail, sensitive information will now be stored on commercial servers. It’s fine, he didn’t know better, it’s not like he’s the National Security Advisor or anything.

In fact, Waltz’s advice regarding security has often been, “Yeah, whatever,” especially when it comes to his best friend Hillary Clinton, the detractors of whom he often railed against.

“Gmail’s just the best email, why wouldn’t you use it?” Waltz said in Clinton’s defence at the time.

But many weren’t as kind as Waltz, and Clinton’s email scandal became a major contributor to her election loss.

Donald Trump has now acknowledged the hypocrisy and vowed to make reparations by publicly apologising and stepping down as president so Hillary can take his place.

Michael Waltz will remain in his position as the NSA.

BREAKING NEWS: In an effort to infinitely diversify his portfolio, the richest man in the world, Elon Musk, has bought Nasdaq, Inc., the company that owns and operates the Nasdaq stock market.

NASDAQ was eager to finalise the buyout with Elon Musk after they filed for bankruptcy following months of massive stock market crashes caused by Elon Musk.

Tweeting (X-ing, whatever) about the purchase, Elon has already stated his plan to rebrand the market ‘X-Stonks Exchange’, fitting with his love of memes, the letter ‘X’, and being lame.

To see Musk’s full press release from X, you can read the entirety of his statement below:

“NASDAQ = Xtonks”

Alongside the purchase, Mr. Musk plans to release a crypto-meme-currency-coin $XTONKS and accompanying merch. I plan on buying myself a hat.

Additionally, E.M. has said he will strip the company of all its baggage and everything that made it run effectively. Elon will fire 46% of the staff, and those that remain will be allowed to work so long as they conduct all their tasks with Musk’s AI, Grok.

Now, although this may appear that Musky Man will now have full control over the NASDAQ xtonks exchange itself, this is not the case. Yes, Elon now has full ownership of all companies listed on the exchange. And yes, will be given access to a pen and the big room with all the squiggly lines so that he can draw his own. But he’s a good guy, and he would never draw Tesla stock going up. No, that would be a conflict of interest, so he probably wouldn’t do that.

Again, Elon is the richest man in the world and controls half the government, he doesn’t need this. For him, this is a side project, like his kids.

Hopefully, the Elon purchase will bring more transparency to the opaque process and answer questions like, ‘How come NASDAQ is publicly traded on the NASDAQ?’ ‘How do they choose those silly names, and can I have one?’ and ‘What even is money anyways?’

Donald Trump’s liberation day is finally upon us, praise be! As was foretold in the prophecies of yore, “And lo, the one who has a hue of orange shalt descend from his tower and proclaim the taxes to be one quart of all importations.”

Yes, this is the news that President Trump’s tariffs will now take effect. At the time of writing, the death toll is only at 4 million, which was the lower end of estimates.

‘Liberation Day’, modelled after the 1996 science fiction movie, ‘Independence Day’ also involves a full-scale war against all hostile invaders. However, where it says, ‘full scale war’ read, ‘trade war’ and where it says ‘hostile invaders’ read, ‘Chinese manufacturing’.

Stock markets have plummeted ahead of the announcement, and foreign countries have already promised reciprocal tariffs, but THERE AIN’T NO BREAKS ON THE TARIFF TRAIN!

Look, I’m no economist, and maybe we’ll come out the other side of this with more money and more of that sweet, sweet manufacturing than ever before. But then again, I’m also not an economist, and the view from the ground is that costs are going up, and again, millions are dead.

Liberation Is A State Of Mind

But there’s more to tariffs than just money. Trump sees these tariffs like… what’s the word for blackmail that isn’t ‘blackmail’?… Trump sees the tariffs as a bargaining chip to encourage neighbors to do more to curb the immigration of the two worst things: fentanyl and people.

As a major importer, Trump will be able to use the tariffs as a carrot and stick to get foreign governments to fall in line. Hopefully.

The knock-on effect will but nuts. Like, it’s crazy how one guy can be like, ‘yeah, tariffs’ and then economies from Vietnam to Guam potentially have all their businesses upended.

It’s crazy that this one day could be a pivot point into a new era of history. Think about that. OK, not too hard, you’ll hurt yourself.

To read more about the tariffs, click here: Musk To Sell Three-Wheeled Teslas To Avoid Trump’s 25% Auto Tariff

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