Tesla’s stock in Europe just dropped faster than a Cybertruck’s panel in a wind tunnel, plunging a shocking 49% in sales across the continent. Yes, that’s right, while European EV sales were busy vibing up 28%, Tesla was doing the financial equivalent of rage-quitting.

Europe: “Elon Saulted What Now?”

The tumble comes amid growing fallout from Elon Musk’s personality, which has officially entered the “brand liability” phase of its hero arc. Sources confirm that Musk’s latest political hot takes are so radioactive they’re being stored next to French nuclear waste.

Europeans, it turns out, weren’t thrilled when Musk flirted with Germany’s far-right, and now they’re giving his cars the kind of cold shoulder normally reserved for British tourists in Barcelona.

In Berlin, locals are allegedly keying Teslas not out of anger, but out of artistic expression. One was seen engraved with the phrase: “Ich bin kein Fan von X.”

Model Y Becomes Model “Why?”

Meanwhile, Tesla’s Model Y is reportedly still Tesla’s top-selling model in Europe, which is kind of like being the best player on a losing fantasy football team. The new “refresh” version of the car hit the market like a soggy bratwurst: technically there, but nobody’s excited.

Competitors like BYD are cruising by in cheap EVs like the “Dolphin Surf” (which sounds like a Nintendo character but costs less than Elon’s daily caffeine intake). The Dolphin’s starting price of €19,999 means you can now buy two Chinese EVs for the price of a Model 3 and still have change for a baguette.

Tesla’s European Stock Chart Resembles a Ski Slope

Wall Street analysts tried to put a brave face on things, but one was seen whispering, “We were promised Mars” while sadly scrolling through a BYD brochure. Tesla’s share of the European car market is now 0.7%, which ironically is lower than Dogecoin’s chance of replacing the Euro.

Scott Galloway even called the Musk era one of the “greatest brand destructions in history,” which is professor-speak for “bro, what are you doing?”

Europe is sending Elon a message loud and clear and it’s not written in Morse code. It’s written in plummeting sales figures.

Stay tuned. Stay memed.

The United States economy has officially run out of UNO Reverse Cards, according to a leaked Federal Reserve memo released early this morning. This comes just hours after the US trade court blocked the sweeping tariffs of one, President Trump, saying that he had ‘exceeded his authority’ as Ultimate Emperor of all the Universe.

This comes as a blow to Trump, who had his next five decades of 5-dimensional chess moves planned out. But as the ruling represents a reversal of a reversal of a reversal of a reversal on the tariffs, many economists are saying that reserves of reverses are now at a critical low point.

“For years, we’ve been able to respond to every global economic slap with a hearty ‘NO U,’” explained Fed Chair Jerome Powell while nervously flipping through an empty deck of colorful cards. “But now, we’re all out of reverses, skips, and we accidentally played our last Draw Four on Canada.”

Tarot Cards Not Working Either

The crisis deepened after the Department of Commerce attempted to reverse the tariff block by tweeting “+2 China, your move.” Unfortunately, China responded by slamming down a counterfeit Wild Card and banning all imports of American-made cars, movies, oil, steel, jeans, whiskey, ideas, memes, and problematic Alpha-Male influencers.

In response, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent held an emergency press conference, where he proposed introducing a new economic stimulus package consisting entirely of Monopoly money and unopened Pokémon booster packs.

“At this point, they’re both less volatile than the dollar,” he admitted while aggressively bubble-wrapping a holographic Charizard for national reserves.

Trump, ‘Keeping Cards Far From Chest’

President Trump, reached for comment at his self-declared “Oval Office” in the Mar-a-Lago breakfast buffet line, defended the move. “I play 8D chess, 4D UNO, and 2D checkers. These tariffs are tremendous. China’s been playing Draw Two for years. Well, now they’re gonna draw these hands,” he declared while attempting to trade a pancake for stock in GameStop.

When asked whether he had considered the economic fallout, Trump responded, “Look, if the economy needs more cards, I’ll print them myself. Executive Order: every American gets one Reverse Card. Boom. Solved.”

As of press time, the U.S. economy is still floundering to come up with a strategy now that it can no longer UNO-reverse its way out of global economic disputes. The Fed is reportedly considering borrowing cards from Canada, but negotiations stalled after Canada requested a formal apology, which we’re obviously not going to do.

For more UNO news, click here: BREAKING: Diddy Loses Game of UNO To Jailmate Sam Bankman-Fried

Disclaimer: This article is satire and should not be used as financial advice unless you get tips from your cousin who “almost bought Bitcoin in 2012.”

Oh my god. What year is this? I haven’t felt a rush like this since 2021. GameStop (GME), the company best known for giving you $2.14 and a sideways look for your entire Xbox collection, just took its meme stock status to the next level by yeeting $512.6 million into 4,710 Bitcoins, sending GME’s stock 2daMOON (up 3%)!!!

Yes, you read that right. GameStop, the mall relic you forgot existed until some guy named Roaring Kitty made it the most important stock in America in 2021, is now apparently a cryptocurrency titan. According to a press release written entirely in stonks memes and GIFs of rocket ships, the company has “diversified its treasury strategy” to include 4,710 Bitcoin.

Or in plain English: they just went full crypto degen.

GameStop Bitcoin — This image doesn’t really illustrate anything I just found it funny. Why is the giant coin in a pile of sand??

From Game Cases to Digital Coins: The Glow-Up No One Asked For

Following a minor internet event you may remember as THE ENTIRE MEME STOCK APOCALYPSE OF 2021, the company has been on a soul-searching journey.

“We asked ourselves, ‘What do we actually do?’” said CEO Chad Diamondhands. “The answer was clear: We are a vibe. A movement. A cult with a logo.”

And as with any modern cult, the next logical step was obviously dumping half a billion dollars into a volatile asset. Moreover, these assets can sometimes gain or lose 10% just because a tech billionaire tweets a meme of a dog farting on the moon.

Insiders and outsiders alike report the decision-making process looked like this:

First, Roaring Kitty posted a cat meme.
Next, someone in accounting replied “LFG 🚀.”
Then, the finance department flipped a Dogecoin.
Then, a corporate vote was held in the form of a Fortnite dance-off.
And finally, $513 million was wired to Coinbase.

Wall Street Reacts: “Wait, They Have That Much Cash?”

Meanwhile, analysts on CNBC tried their best to remain calm, and Jim Cramer announced, “Gamestop causes Bitcoin to pump!”

“This is either a genius move or a live demonstration of financial schizophrenia,” said hedge fund manager Rich McCondescenderson, while sweating visibly on-air. “We were hoping they’d maybe invest in cloud gaming or retail innovation. Instead, they YOLO’d into Bitcoin like it’s 2021 and Dogecoin still matters.”

Meanwhile, over on Reddit, r/wallstreetbets exploded with celebration:

“GME just became the Federal Reserve of meme coins.”
– u/DeepStonkThot69

“This is peak capitalism. I am so proud.”
– u/ElonMuskette420

In Case You Forgot: GameStop Is Still A Game Store

Once again, let’s take a moment to remember: this company sells used video games. Or rather, sold, before they followed in Michael Saylor’s micro-footsteps and pivoted to meme stock status, launching NFTs, and now throwing real-life millions into imaginary internet money.

So now GameStop says it plans to sell the Bitcoin in-store on scratched DVDs for $4 a piece. Will this move make GameStop rich beyond its wildest dreams, or bankrupt it faster than you can say “Mt. Gox”? Either way, we’re all buckled in for the ride.

GameStop’s new slogan, revealed besides the announcement, captures it best:

“Don’t just play games. Play GME.”

Disclosure: The author owns 0.0000003 BTC and one very sad GameStop receipt from 2012. This is not financial advice. This is performance art.

And if you’re looking for more shitty content like this, click here: Bitcoin Reaches ATH, Pizza Now Worth $1bn

In a shocking display of overachieving mediocrity, 29-year-old marketing associate Tyler Brenner logged into work Monday morning at 8:03 AM, blissfully unaware that no one else was doing the same.

Sources confirmed Tyler forgot it was Memorial Day, a national holiday celebrated by grilling meats, wearing patriotic cargo shorts, and, as is written by the founding fathers in the Constitution: not answering Slack messages.

“I thought the office group chat was quiet because people were heads down,” said Tyler, who had sent three emails, updated a Google Doc, and even scheduled a Zoom call with himself.

His only reply? A solitary ‘stars and stripes emoji’ reaction from a coworker who was clearly poolside, three beers deep, and using Teams on an iPad.

Markets Closed, Tyler Open

Despite the NYSE, Nasdaq, and common sense all being closed, Tyler bravely charged ahead, unaware that the only thing trading today was bratwurst for beer across every backyard in America.

Friends and family later confirmed Tyler has also forgotten Daylight Savings, Labor Day, and once attempted to show up to a wedding a week early because he “thought it was next Saturday.” Some say he may be the real-life embodiment of the “Grindset” meme, minus the Lambos and passive income.

Employee of the Month (But at What Cost? AT WHAT COST, TYLER??)

Tyler’s boss, when reached for comment from a hammock in Myrtle Beach, simply said:

“Honestly, let him. If he wants to write Q2 strategy while I’m shotgunning White Claws, that’s a win-win.”

Coworkers were less generous, flooding the office group chat later in the day with gifs of fireworks, eagles, and a well-timed “bro, go touch grass” from HR.

Tyler is reportedly planning to “take tomorrow off to make up for it,” completely unaware that no one will notice, and nothing he did today mattered.

For more from the very specific category of ‘local-man + national-holiday news’, click here: EMBARRASSING: Local Man Recycles Resolution From Last New Year

The Oval Office (so called because it’s round) now sports a warning sign on the front door: “BEWARE all ye world leaders who enter here! Beyond this door lies the lair of the AWKWARD ADMONISHMENT!!”

The next victim to not heed this warning is South African President Cyril Ramaphosa. On Wednesday, Ramaphosa arrived for a productive talk on trade with Trump but left questioning his life choices.

Thankfully, Cyril had clearly watched Zelensky’s awks-a-thon and wore the extra layers of a suit and tie so the dressing down wouldn’t be so exposing. He stayed calm and polite, not rising to the bait to trigger Vance’s classic attack combo, “Have you said thank you once?”

But this time, Trump had upped his game too: he’d brought receipts. Firstly, Trump had the lights dimmed so they could all watch a sizzle reel of an extremist minority opposition party leader yell anti-white rhetoric. Cyril could only watch on, bemused, wondering if maybe Trump thought this man spoke on behalf of the actual government or perhaps Trump had got him confused with another black man.

Trump then showed a clip from X of cars lined alongside crosses that Trump claimed were a mass grave with thousands of beheaded white farmers. Turns out this was a 2020 memorial for two white farmers, and each cross does not mark a grave site. Next was a collection of cherry-picked printouts of similar stories of white murder from such trusted tabloids as The New York Post and The Daily Mail.

Misrepresenting that X clip is emblematic of the whole point. These murders are happening and are a problem, but Trump is blowing them way out of proportion because that aligns with the political point he wants to make.

Trump claims that white farmers are fleeing a genocide, and it’s now the opposite of apartheid (weirdly pointing at Elon Musk multiple times). But that’s just not true, they’re much too busy making biltong and drinking brandy and Coke.

Trump’s aiming to make outlandish accusations for every country in the world, and he’s well on track to complete this goal before the end of his term. He just loves blowing single instances out of proportion because it fits the narrative: immigration bad, foreigners dangerous (unless the foreigner is the white man, in which case, scratch that, reverse it).

Someone should correct that man, I’m sure he’ll rectify himself once he knows he’s made a mistake.

At least Trump brought along some South African golfing buddies that he could talk to with some friendliness. Shall we talk about the trade agreement? Now hold on a second, we haven’t mentioned golf in 30 seconds, let’s cover that first.

For more golf news, click here: Trump Announces New Golf Course

In case you’ve not looked at the news in a while, here’s a quick update: yeeep, urrm, yeah: there is still a war on.

Which one? Oh, all of them. Maybe a couple more new ones, even. Don’t worry about it, you just go back to scrolling.

Analysts report that the situation in [insert war-torn region here] has not magically resolved itself despite months of headlines, think pieces, and extremely powerful Instagram infographics featuring pastel backgrounds and bold sans-serif fonts. The violence, destruction, and geopolitical pissing contests continue unabated.

When asked for comment, one Pentagon official said, “I mean… yeah.”

Meanwhile, markets reacted with what experts are calling “chronic numbness.” Oil prices wiggled around like a confused worm, defense stocks ticked up by a morally questionable percentage, and Raytheon sent a thank-you card to “Ongoing Global Tensions” for its record quarterly profits.

Reacting to the news, the White House released a prepared statement saying, “We are committed to a peaceful resolution,” which roughly translates to: we will continue to send weapons and vibes.

With all the wars showing no signs of stopping, most Americans have responded with their usual coping mechanism: forgetting about it entirely until it trends again.

One TikToker said, “Wait… there’s still war? I thought that was, like, last year’s vibe.” Another added, “Justice for Ukraine but also I just got promoted at McDonald’s so I haven’t really had time to keep up with that.”

What’s the solution, I hear you ask? Well, it’s complicated. Conflict is a fundamental human instinct, but those conflicts need not be bloody. The numbers are still up for debate, but in general humans’ combative instincts have been repressed in the modern era in favor of peaceful diplomacy, leading to fewer war-caused deaths.

War deaths — Ok, yes, war has been on the rise lately, but shhhh

However, armed conflict remains a viable and sometimes more effective alternative. Pariah nations will have no qualms about breaking political norms if war achieves their aims. And non-pariahs can claim innocence by funding proxy wars from the sidelines.

If war is to end, it must be made a non-option. So long as the militaristic solutions are supported whilst the diplomatic options remain defanged, war will continue.

But until that happens, yeah, feel free to check in every few months to see that nothing’s changed.

We’ll keep you updated as this developing situation continues to develop exactly the way you’d expect it to develop: badly, expensively, and endlessly.

For more up to the minute news here’s another article, you slut: Israel Attacks Sweden in Desperate ‘Bamboozle’ Strategy

Outperforming gold, oil, and several blue-chip stocks, ‘good… (and I’m just being told this now) vibes’ is officially the most solid investment option of the year.

What started as a fringe belief among yoga influencers and crypto bros has now found its way into serious investor portfolios.

“We’re bullish on vibes,” said Chase Freedom, lead analyst at YOLO Capital. “They’re intangible, inflation-resistant, and unlike NFTs, they can’t be screenshotted.”

In fact, the Federal Reserve has already added “100 positive aura” to its list of monitored economic indicators, just after unemployment and somewhere between TikTok’s total scroll distance and Mercury’s retrograde schedule.

“Shit, I mean we’ve been using ‘numbers’ and ‘math’ to work it out this whole time,” explained Fed Chair, Jerome Powell, “But it turns out vibes are just as good.”

Analysts ‘Not On The Vibe’

Some analysts remain skeptical. “This makes no sense,” said economist Dr. Linda Rationale, before promptly being booed off CNBC for suggesting people diversify into actual assets.

Meanwhile, Jim Cramer has declared “Good Vibes” a “bogus stock” on six separate episodes of Mad Money, meaning that it’s 100% going to the moon.

Money aka vibes — “Money. It’s all just vibes anyway, bro.” – Adam Smith

Gen Z Leading the Charge

Leading the charge is Gen Z, who have converted traditional portfolios into vibe-centric holdings. Robinhood now offers a new “Aura Index Fund” tracking 500 influencers with above-average serotonin levels.

One 22-year-old investor, who goes by the username “@ZenDaddy420,” described his investment strategy: “I wake up, sage my apartment, and dollar-cost average into gratitude.”

He reportedly made a 140% return last quarter, mostly from a TikTok that went viral featuring him staring into the sun and whispering “alignment.”

“Vibes Is Not Short For Vibrator” – Warren Buffett

In response to the hype, major corporations have started rebranding. Amazon’s Prime Day will now feature “Energy Drops,” and Goldman Sachs just launched a new division called GS Feelings™, which advises clients based on horoscopes and color therapy.

BlackRock has filed for an ETF under the ticker $VIBE, which includes a diversified basket of crystals, guided meditations, and affirmations that “resonate with your higher self.”

“I mean, if you think about it, money was only ever just vibes anyways,” commented BlackRock CEO, Dwayne ‘TheBlackRock’ Johnson.

Missing The Warning Vibes?

Not everyone’s convinced this bull run is sustainable.

“It’s starting to feel like the tulip bubble, but with incense,” said one bearish investor. “I just want to buy some bonds without being told to ‘heal my inner child.’”

Despite concerns, markets continue to rally. Nasdaq closed up 3% today after Beyoncé posted a smiling selfie captioned “Feeling aligned 🌞✨.” Bitcoin responded by surging $4,000 in five minutes.

What we’re really saying is it’s all just guess work, it’s all just vibes so invest in yourself, friend. Be the vibe you want to see in the world.

Disclaimer: Obvs, this article is for entertainment purposes only. Please consult a licensed spiritual guide before making any vibe-based investment decisions.

For more garbage, click here: This Week’s Top 6 Ponzi Schemes To Invest In

Happy Bitcoin Pizza Day, everybody! No, wait… Happy BTC ATH, everybody! It’s that time of year again, yes, rising from the blockchain every May like a crusty phoenix from a wood-fired oven, it’s the traditional recalculating of the cost of the most expensive pizza in human history!

But it’s extra fitting since Bitcoin just hit a new all-time high, so it’s time to ask the real questions: what is 10,000 BTC worth today? And more importantly, how many toppings did Laszlo actually get?

For any gen Z degens who think Satoshi was a TikToker, here’s a quick history lesson:

On May 22, 2010, Laszlo Hanyecz made history by trading 10,000 BTC for two Papa John’s pizzas. Yes, really. It was the first real-world transaction using Bitcoin, and yes, they were large pies, not personal pans. Laszlo was just a hungry coder with too much BTC and not enough garlic dipping sauce.

Bitcoin pizza — One would presume this is what the famous bitcoin pizza looked like

At the time, 10,000 BTC was worth about $41. Today? Let’s do some totally unnecessary, deeply painful math.

Let’s Crunch the Bitcoin Numbers (and Laszlo’s Soul)

Current BTC Price: $108,996.20 (give or take when I checked this)
Total BTC Spent on Pizza: 10,000
Total Value of Pizza Today: 1 billion freaking dollars
Value Per Slice (assuming 16 slices): ~$62.5 million
Value of the Garlic Sauce (adjusted for inflation and emotional damage): Priceless

Laszlo didn’t just buy pizza. He bought a cultural meme that resurfaces every year like a blockchain Groundhog Day, where crypto bros gather to remind themselves that patience is a virtue, and food is temporary, but trauma is forever.

What Could $1bn Buy in 2025?

An actual island (and the Web3 DAO to govern it)
Every single Bored Ape, plus therapy for their owners
5000 Lambos (and enough gas for, like, a week)
Twitter. Again.
Or… 2 more pizzas at current NYC prices

Was It Worth It?

Yes. Because without that pizza, Bitcoin may never have taken its first steps into the real world. Without Laszlo’s sacrifice, we might still be trading satoshis for Magic: The Gathering cards and hoping CNBC takes us seriously.

So let’s raise a slice this May 22. Not just for the pizza. But for every single crypto bro who’s ever looked at an old wallet and whispered: “If I’d just held…”

To read more about this story, click here: Bitcoin To Change Ticker To ATH After Massive Gains

To the horror of millions, President Donald Trump has unveiled his ‘golden dome’ live on public television.

Trump made the announcement from the Oval Office, saying he was making good on a promise he made in the campaign. What he was about to unveil, Trump explained, would immediately frighten all their enemies away, for good this time.

“Netanyahu has an Iron Dome, a beautiful dome, I’ve seen it,” continued the President. “But mine is better, I thought, how are we going to make it better? We’re going to make it gold, so now I have a gold dome. It’s very nice, very shiny.”

Trump then proceeded to drop trow and expose himself to everyone in the room and watching live at home. Anyone who witnessed the event can fill out a form online to receive $130,000 in hush money.

The White House has since clarified that this is all a massive misunderstanding and Trump was supposed to unveil a brand new missile defence system called ‘The Golden Dome’. The original plan was to build a giant dome made of solid gold metal that would cover the continental United States and protect it from missile attacks, a device reportedly inspired by ‘The Simpsons Movie’ (2007).

However, it seems that Trump’s potentially deliberate mistake might have been a masterstroke as it appears that just the sight of the President’s national treasures might be more frightening to hostile nations than any missile.

“If your President is crazy enough to do this, who knows what he would do in an all-out war,” commented North Korean spokeswoman Kim Kim-Kim. “We are immediately withdrawing all troops from our borders and declaring unilateral surrender.”

China too has reportedly signed a global peace agreement on the condition that they never have to see Trump’s ‘Golden Dome’ ever again.

On the other hand, Russian President Vladimir Putin said he was impressed by Trump’s strongman gesture and plans to reveal his ‘Steel Dome’ in the coming months.

Who’s to say if this peace will last or if Trump will have to reveal additional gilded body parts in the future, but for now we have world peace, all thanks to Trump’s golden dome.

For more missile news, click here: Elon Unveils Rocket Catcher, Has 14 Missed Calls From Netanyahu

Electric car batteries get a bad rap for suddenly EXPLODING (scared you there). Well, here’s a car battery that’s MEANT to explode… financially speaking.

CATL, China’s Contemporary Amperes Technology Co. Limited (so it should really be CCATCL) just went public and received a massive jumpstart, again, not good for a battery.

CATL does not make CATL-itic converters (that’s a car joke), no they make more than a third of all EV batteries supplying Tesla, Volkswagen, Toyota and maybe even the Chinese military. Out of those, we obviously had to put Tesla in the headline because we are being secretly paid by Elon to promote his brand.

They raised $4.55bn from the listing which is crazy. Like, there’s no joke here, can you imagine that kind of money? That’s small country GDP kind of money. Imagine getting all the money in a DAY?? Whoah. I don’t even know.

Despite their global presence, China is 70% of CATL’s total revenue which just goes to show how massive the Chinese EV market is. So maybe think about that, Elon. (Yes, he reads this site.)

Because of this, CATL is likely not too bothered by ‘Trump’s Terrific Tariffs’, as 2025’s biggest IPO just goes to show.

Now you might not have heard of CATL (not the cow) before so, just for fun, here are some CATL facts:

FACT! CATL employs 100,000 people (which, if you ask Elon, is too many)!
FACT! CATL has 13 production plants worldwide! All arranged in a pentagram with Beijing at the center.
FACT! CATL was founded in 2011!
FACT! 2011 was 14 years ago!
FACT! 2011 is closer to the year 2000 than it is to now!
FACT! You are old!
FACT! CATL is an anagram of ‘clat’!

Well, would you look at that, you learn something new everyday. Now you can go out there and impress your friends. Have fun, son!

Lots of love,

Dad.

For more words to beam directly into your brain, click here: Musk To Sell Three-Wheeled Teslas To Avoid Trump’s 25% Auto Tariff

Tesla Battery Supplier EXPLODES (…18% In Biggest IPO Of The Year)

Latest news

Tesla Stock in Europe Crashes Harder Than Your Uncle’s Crypto Portfolio

US Economy ‘Out Of UNO Reverse Cards’ Following Trump Tariff Block

GameStop YOLOs $513M into Bitcoin

Local Man Forgets Memorial Day, Discovers He’s Been Working for Free All Morning

BREAKING: Yes, War Still Going On

Trump Ambushes Another World Leader, On Track To Win G20 Knock-Out Bracket

Europe: “Elon Saulted What Now?”

Model Y Becomes Model “Why?”

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